To think my MIL is being unfair

[listsandbudgets]

We are going to my mum's for Christmas. As MIL would otherwise be alone she has invited her to come and stay from lunchtime Christmas eve until tea time on boxing day when DSIL will be coming to pick her up. We will then pick her up on the 29th and take her home with us until 4th January.

We are going to my mum's on the 22nd. MIL has repetaviely phoned me, my mum and DP asking to be picked up on the afternoon of the 22nd as she wants to spend more time with her grandchildren - we've all said no as we have plans for the 23rd, its another hours drive from my mum's to go and get her (so 2 more hours driving after a 3 hour drive) and we dont want to put any extra pressure on my mum.

This morning she phoned my mum saying if she wasn't welcome she wasn't coming at all. I've told DP to talk to her but fuming.

Before anyone asks we can't easily go to her instead as she has a one bed flat

I think you need to find a way to make one Christmas about your mil and not just fitting around your family. Or at least your husband needs to.

Hmm, yes, at that age, and normally nice, then I'd worry that something has happened recently.

I do wish that ONLY people who are MILs and have also have been DILs, would respond to these sort of threads.
To try and explain what having a baby feels like to someone who has never had one is impossible, isn't it? A professional may be able to relate the theory but without a child of their own, they won't really know.
Equally, to explain to someone what it feels like being a Mil is also impossible. I didn't know until I became one.
And yet, off the Mumsnetters go, ranting and name calling. I can tell immediately that they have no experience of the difficulties involved in the MIl/DIL relationship.
It is all so well documented as well.
Try not to make your MILs feel left out as one day it might be you.

Anyway, in this case, all is resolved. Good! and I hope they have a lovely Christmas as a family, as they are all Family.

If this is not normal behaviour I would talk to her and see what is going on. Maybe she has been ill, maybe a special friend has died and she is feeling vulnerable. Being older things can be quite difficult, lots of friends die off and one may feel a bit left on the side. I agree her behaviour is rude but I also think if this is not usual behaviour you should see if something has started it off.

All the best.

Explaining what having a baby feels like very much depends on the kind of birth you had. There are people who have quick, textbook labours and those that have horrific experiences and suffer with birth trauma. If the first group told the second to just try harder it wouldn't be helpful in any way.

If she is not normally like this, and you say you usually get on, then I would be more worried than cross. In her early 80's my mil developed mild signs of dementia as a side effect of Parkinson's , which led to a tendency for exactly the type of behaviour you describe.

listsandbudgets my mum has dementia and prior to that we thought she had parkinsons. One thing that totally changes her behaviour is to have a urine infection. This can be tested for very easily. Because of the 'plumbing work' of older ladies urine infections are much more common in older ladies than younger ones, or than urine infections in men.

Had anyone told me that a urine tract infection would dramatically affect my mum's behaviour I would not have believed them, but now I have seen it, I know, and my mum (who is 84 and in a home) is tested regularly for these.

patient.info/health/urine-infection-in-older-people

"About 3 in 100 men in their 60s, and about 1 in 10 men in their 80s, will have a urine infection. Urine infection is much more common in women... Infection also becomes more common as you get older. Half of all women will have a urine infection that needs treating in their lifetime."

But Hole there are so many variations on the relationship. For example, my sister gets on so, so well with her ILs (as do I!) and I know that her mil got on extremely well with her mil. Across 3 generations, the relationship was/is harmonious.

Whereas on my side, my ILs exclude me at every possible opportunity and only tolerate me when they have to or if I bend over backwards for them. I've taken their son away and they are not in control of his life or mine. Similarly by gran hated my mum - again, because she lost control of her son.

I do completely understand what you mean re everyone "jumping" on a mil and, automatically, she must be the one at fault and you're right - it isn't helpful. But someone who has never had a shit mil/dil relationship will never be able to appreciate just how heartbreaking it can be (and someone who has never had a lovely relationship will, in my experience, spend a lot of time being incredibly jealous).

In essence, even if responses were limited to posters with both mil and dil experience, relationships are so complex that you can't really generalise iyswim

Op it might also be worth considering if this could be medication induced - my gran had a starting point of being selfish, aggressive and batshit which became markedly worse with squiffy sodium levels with diuretic use.

holeinmyheart You've lost perspective on MIL issues because of your own experiences. Surely you realise that even if ONLY MILs who have been DILs responded, there would still be a huge range of answers to each thread? Because not every relationship is the same?

Incredibly rude. You cannot let her win now

ohfourfoxache my MIL was impossible. She was brought up in a hall with servants and told me that she didn't want me to marry her son, immediately she felt that there was a hint that we were getting serious. My husband would not discuss her or her shenanigans with me, ever.
His argument was, we are not going to see much of her and I married you, despite my DM, didn't I?
So I am not pronouncing on the MIL from my own experience otherwise I would be joining in with the calls ' to burn the witch'

Kakifruit neither you nor ohforfoxache are MILs, I just know. How do you feel about someone who has no children of their own, telling you how to parent your child?

I think if you have been both MIL and DIL then your reply is possibly more balanced.
Yes, the MIL in this case is behaving in a batty way, but she is in her late 80's, which means she may be nearly NINTY, ffs, and a widow who lives alone.
There are some really cruel answers.
The OP even gets on with her MIL and says she is nice.
It is Christmas and the OPs response to this women begging for an extra day in company,( this woman is supposed to be family) is to refuse, and post on Mumsnet, about essentially how generous she and her family are being to someone that they don't see much of.

i also get on well with my DILs. They all came to stay last Christmas and are coming for New year this year. I make them go to their in laws alternate years. My DDs prefer to be with me, but it is only fair.
Although I couldn't conceive of demanding anything of them ATM, perhaps when I am a widow, nearing 90 and don't see much of my son and GC, I might ask for an extra day.
Actually, knowing myself, I would rather die than be thought of as a burden.
Old, aging cantankerous parents can become a bit of a burden.
But who knows. I hope I peg it, before I get to be passed around like a parcel that nobody wants.
Anyway I have DDs. Yippee.

Hole you are massively projecting.

Hole

If you have had only good or only bad experiences with ILs, you view is NOT going to be more balanced - you're going to be influenced by your own experiences. Ergo, posters who have been both a dil and a mil will not automatically have a "more balanced view".

Ok, so you had a crap mil and get on well with your dils - do you really, truly think your opinion or advice more valid than Kakifruit's or mine? Or do you think there may be a tiny, minute chance that we may have some clue as to what we're talking about?

Nah, fuck it. I'm only a dil desperately trying to get on with her ILs. So absolutely no idea of what I'm talking about.

So I'm fucking off this thread.

Lists I really really hope things get sorted and that Christmas is peaceful and that your mil is ok. When dh's gran felt most vulnerable, she asked my mil (her dil) for help getting dressed (I'm not going into what happened, suffice to say mil was horrified and refused point blank to help ). Might be a similar situation? If so I hope she gets her confidence back, and I'm sorry to derail

ohfourfoxache well you don't get on with your ILs so arn't you projecting? And arn't you stating the obvious, that most people on here respond from their own experiences.

If you are a MIL and you have also been a DIL, then at least you have experienced both sides. Isn't it helpful to have experienced both sides?

Most of the awful vitriol on MNet about MILs, comes from young DILs.
My own MIL was a person with a lot of issues, but I wasn't exactly blameless either as I have a lot of issues.
With hindsight, although I think she should have kept her mouth shut, I did look for hidden meaning in practically everything she said.
She confessed to being jealous of me and I was jealous of my husbands love for her ( I know, very shallow )

Anyway there is no going back as she is demented now. I just wish she and I could have got on better.
I was too immature and defensive when we met and she was full of angst.

I think you and kakifruit have every right to write whatever you like and express whatever you like. I am doing the same.
I am sorry you are struggling with your in laws.... But I don't think it is an easy relationship to get right. It takes a lot of willingness and understanding.

Of course yours may be mad anyway, and then you are sunk.

maybebaby well, how about hearing your opinion instead of commenting on mine!
The accusation of projecting is levelled on most threads and maybe your right. However I would have thought unless you are a behavioural professional, it would apply to most of us.
My house was devastatingly flooded on the 5th of December. Do you think I am going to know more about what that feels like, than someone who it hasn't happened to?
Make sure that you all contribute to a Flood relief collection by the way. My neighbour had to shoot her horse because it was affected by having to stand in the flood water for hours. ( she is grief stricken)
My lovely house and village are devastated.