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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my MIL is being unfair

69 replies

listsandbudgets · 20/12/2015 21:02

We are going to my mum's for Christmas. As MIL would otherwise be alone she has invited her to come and stay from lunchtime Christmas eve until tea time on boxing day when DSIL will be coming to pick her up. We will then pick her up on the 29th and take her home with us until 4th January.

We are going to my mum's on the 22nd. MIL has repetaviely phoned me, my mum and DP asking to be picked up on the afternoon of the 22nd as she wants to spend more time with her grandchildren - we've all said no as we have plans for the 23rd, its another hours drive from my mum's to go and get her (so 2 more hours driving after a 3 hour drive) and we dont want to put any extra pressure on my mum.

This morning she phoned my mum saying if she wasn't welcome she wasn't coming at all. I've told DP to talk to her but fuming.

Before anyone asks we can't easily go to her instead as she has a one bed flat

OP posts:
corlette · 20/12/2015 22:08

Your DP needs to talk to his mother.
It's been arranged she's coming on the 24th, you have plans up until then and she's been told no, not possible to collect her before then when she asked. That should be the end of it and she shouldn't repeatedly ask.
If she decides that she's not coming at all because others already have plans and it doesn't suit her, then that's her look out.

Hatethis22 · 20/12/2015 22:10

Is this kind of behaviour from her a shock to you?

RideEmCowgirl · 20/12/2015 22:13

OP - what did your mum reply to her?

coffeeisnectar · 20/12/2015 22:13

Extremely rude. Your poor mum.

Perniciousness · 20/12/2015 22:19

Wow, that's rude. Is it new behavior or is it normal for her?

I would leave it to your DH

Sedona123 · 20/12/2015 22:23

How old is your MIL? We had a sort of similar issue with our lovely Nan a few years ago. Whenever we mentioned Christmas Day, she would say that she didn't want to go to my Sister's house, then 10 mins later say that she wasn't invited. 🙁 On the actual day, she refused to leave her house, saying again that she didn't want to go, and when we all popped around to see her later, said again that she hadn't joined us all as she hadn't been invited. 🙁

My Nan's long, and medium term memory was fantastic, but her short term memory was obviously failing. Is it possible that your MIL is getting a little confused?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/12/2015 22:25

Call her bluff.

LucilleBluth · 20/12/2015 22:28

She sounds lonely.

holeinmyheart · 20/12/2015 22:32

Hang on, before someone tells the OP to go NC and calls the MIL unspeakable names, maybe she has a good reason for kicking off.

I almost always have a little soft spot for us MILs on MNET as we get such a hammering. And usually it is from people who are not MILs themselves and have not got much idea what it is like to be one. it is not an easy relationship to get right.

More often than not MILS have to fit in with a DILs agenda. Perhaps this MIL feels marginalised and hurt. Perhaps she has been sidelined in the past. Who knows.

Without exception, all my friends who have sons say exactly the same thing. A relationship with your DD and their partner and children is NOT the same as with your DILS and your son. Everyone knows the old adage so I won't repeat it.

The MIL is getting two and a half days. On one of the half days she will be in the car. Yes, it is due to the kindness of her DILs' Mother, but it is not long is it ? Especially if she is usually alone and a long way from her DGC. The OP is staying much longer ( 7days) with her own DM.

I think the OP is dictating terms to this MIL and is inflexible and if I was her MIL I would know that I wasn't really welcome. The OP is telling her that they have plans that don't, and won't include her. Even though this woman has begged to be included, the OP is still refusing. Mmmmm Christmas. Couldn't her DH drop her off at her Mums and then go and get his Mum.

It is sad really, as I am sure that the OP thinks she is being really kind and generous to her MIL. She is also having to put up with the poor woman for a few days over New Year. From the tone of the the OPs post it all sounds a bit 'martyr'

Anyway, what ever happens now, Christmas is ruined for someone in this family. They all need to chill out and get some relationship counselling.

Thank God that I have daughters as well as sons.

Mmmmcake123 · 20/12/2015 22:38

Are the plans for the previous day more exciting? Is MIL feeling she is getting the obligatory invite but missing out on a family trip to see Santa or something else just as previous?

roaringfire · 20/12/2015 22:40

what are you on about hole the MIL is being hosted from 24 Dec - 4 jan, with both her children. She wants extra time before xmas with op's dm.
She is being unreasonable!

LuluJakey1 · 20/12/2015 22:45

So she is expecting to be looked after from 22nd December until 4th January by one or the other of her children? If that is right, she is very unreasonable.

Neither DH not SIL would be doing that. PIL are comng up on Christmas Eve from Yorkshire to stay at SIL's, near us, and will return home on 31st December and I think that is over-doing it but they want to be here for our Ds's first birthday on 30th which is fair enough. We will entertain them between us while they are and they are very nice and very easy but when you just want a bit of time to yourself, it is a bit much. DH and I have both said if we didn't have SIL to split it with , it would be too much. Your MIL sounds like hard work.

chillycurtains · 20/12/2015 22:46

I have completely zero tolerance with this kinda shit emotional blackmail. Don't give in. If you do, she will do it every time she wants something. I know from experience with MIL.

Rivercam · 20/12/2015 22:47

Hole - mil is staying with op's mum for two days, then going to her daily, and then back to op. She is not missing out. It was rude to invite herself longer to op's mother.

rumbleinthrjungle · 20/12/2015 23:01

Er - she is being collected on Christmas Eve to join her DS and DiL's celebrations as a guest, being collected by her DD on the 26th to stay as a guest with them until the 29th when her DS and DiL will take her home and be hosting her until the 4th Jan. How the heck did that become poor little abandoned MiL?

By any social standards she is behaving appallingly. Why should the OP and her mother (who has invited her for 2 nights anyway) be expected to throw aside everyone else's feelings, wants and plans to accommodate MiL's?

Inertia · 20/12/2015 23:05

Take her at her word.

Ohfourfoxache · 20/12/2015 23:07

I get what you're saying Hole and as a mum of 1 (Ds) I pray that I'll be an exception to this rule. My relationship with my own mil is fraught despite 15 years worth of effort and I can only hope that I'm lucky enough to have a good relationship with any dil or sil I may have in the future.

But in this case the mil sounds spectacularly entitled. Imagine it was another relation - an aunt or a distant relative. Calling to emotionally blackmail a host is really, really not a good start to the festive season, especially when she is going to be spending more "alone time" with he DC than op's mum will (48 hours vs a few days)

AyeAmarok · 20/12/2015 23:26

Very rude of her to phone your mum.

Is this behaviour out of character for her?

Jux · 20/12/2015 23:28

MIL is behaving atrociously. Your mum has been kind enough to include her from Xmas eve to Boxing day, but MIL wants more.

Just keep saying no. She's not going to be alone at Xmas. Is she likely to be brattish while she's there if she doesn't get her own way? Because if so, perhaps she could go and be brattish at her own daughter's place, instead of at your parents.

Witchend · 20/12/2015 23:29

She wants to make sure her dgc don't get longer with other grandparents... Or that's how it comes across to me.

Bahhhhhumbug · 20/12/2015 23:29

Am going to go against the grain a little here but do you think your DMIL could have dementia or onset of it. I have looked after three out of four of my DPILs and DPs that have had dementia and they all to varying degrees would pull these sort of toddler tantrums. They became very childish and difficult and totally unreasonable at times. Just saying !

Theworldmakesnosense · 20/12/2015 23:33

If you absolutely believe she is just being an arse I would tell your mum to ring her and say how extremely pissed off she is that her kindness has been thrown back in her face. People have mentioned dementia which is obviously a different matter and should be treated accordingly

Original poster
listsandbudgets · 20/12/2015 23:33

Thank you all for responding especially those giving the view of a MIL which is helpful prespective.

Usually we have spent christmas with my mum and MIL has always been invited. Some years she's come along and other years she's decided to go to my SIL. As I said in OP going to her would be difficult as she has a one bed flat. We have suggested a couple of times we try to stay in a nearby pub which has rooms and spend Christmas with her but she sayss she'd rather we didn't. We would actually quite like to have Christmas at home but this would mean not seeing most of our extended family as on both sides they live 3-4 hours away (thankfully in the same direction) so we've always gone to them IYSWIM.

She nearly always comes to us for about a week over new year. I'm actually quite happy with this as we get on well and normally have a similar sense of humour.

MIL in her late 80s. She's not normally like this, on reflection I'm more worried than angry. DP phoned her earlier and found her quite apologetic and saying she does want to come for Christmas but just felt a bit left out. DP has explained to her why she can't join us on 23rd - I don't want to give detail here as its a private matter to do with my sister. She is now saying she's coming and I'll phone my mum in the morning to sort it out.

OP posts:
mintoil · 20/12/2015 23:36

She sounds intolerably rude. Does she have form for pulling this sort of stunt?I agree DH should deal but only if you can count on him telling her firmly she has been invited and if it's not good enough for her then you will have to see her after Christmas as planned.

Toddler tantrum!!

Ohfourfoxache · 20/12/2015 23:43

Hmm - late 80's and not normally like this? Has anything happened recently that could have dented her confidence?