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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what on earth do I do with this letter?

59 replies

usernamesandgingerbreads · 20/12/2015 19:32

Name changed for obvious reasons.

For history exh and I split over a decade ago. For the first couple of years he came monthly to see the children and then became less and less until nothing at all for the last six years. Things were not good when I was at home with him and my son remembers things in the house being damaged by him in temper although I shielded them from a lot.

He has never paid money for them although he has been on sickness benefits for many years but has afforded many other things and has often worked cash in hand, very rarely do they get gifts at Christmas or birthdays from him certainly nothing in the last four years.
He has mental health issues and says he can not cope with seeing them because it upsets him too much. He contacts by email.

I have however despite all this encouraged them to leave the door open.

I have just found a letter from one of my children from him and I do not know what to do. The children are just teens.

Dear Dad
I have thought a long time about writing this letter. I am asking you not to write or contact us anymore. You say that it hurts you when you see us and that is why you cannot see us but it hurts us a lot more when you do not see us or ring us. It hurts us when we hear nothing from you and then you message Mum after months and months and do not even ask about us. It hurts when other people are getting cards or presents from Dads at Christmas and we have nothing and when you let us go to the bank for birthday money and it was not there. It hurts when you got all that money and Mum asked you for money for new clothes for us and you said you needed to get clothes for yourself and bought lots of designer stuff.
You told us to pick loads of stuff out in the shops that you said you would buy us but then you spent the money on yourself.
You do nothing for us, X is just Mums friend but every year he comes and brings us presents because he knows you don't and every week he messages to check how we are and is proud of how we are doing at school, he encourages us and praises us and you do nothing.
You are not our Dad you do nothing for us are just someone that upsets us and we don't want it anymore.
Love Dc1 and DC2

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 20/12/2015 20:20

take a photocopy so you have it as a reminder of how he made your DCs feel. Then if they want to send it, send it. Adults shouldn't be protected from seeing the negatives of their behaviour to children.

HermioneWeasley · 20/12/2015 20:22

Of course it won't make him have a road to Damascus moment about what a shit he's been - these twats always rewrite history because the truth of their behaviour is too painful to acknowledge

EponasWildDaughter · 20/12/2015 20:26

It doesn't sound as if it's anything other than exactly what it seems. Young people are very good at articulating their feelings without an agenda. I don't think they want to send it in the hope that he'll change, i think they want to voice their feelings to him and that is their right.

Let them send it.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/12/2015 20:27

(I was tempted to add my X deserves a similar letter. But that would have made me sound bitter. So i didn't.)

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 20/12/2015 20:28

It won't make him change.
It will make him angry.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 20/12/2015 20:29

OP, what will happen if he gets angry?

Should the children not speak their truth because of his anger?

abbsismyhero · 20/12/2015 20:29

absent parents always blame the resident parent for apparently "slagging them off" because children cant see piss poor parenting for themselves can they! my dd has had no contact off her dad for years about ten years now nothing he wont pay child support he ignores her in the street etc etc ive had to contact them about child support because it has changed to cms and they want us to do a family based agreement suffice to say we got nothing but abuse off his wife dd got it low level i got it both barrels then she went after my friends slagging me off massively (for context she has never met me) im thinking im going to leave the whole idea of child support it would have been nice it is seriously not worth the hassle selling avon is less drama

EponasWildDaughter · 20/12/2015 20:29

What will happen if he gets angry OP?

He's not a 'physical' presence in their lives, so how will he show this anger? How will it affect them?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/12/2015 20:31

I very much doubt they expect your husband to change in response to this letter. I think it means exactly what it says - they don't want him in their lives.

So what if he gets angry? It's the truth.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/12/2015 20:33

"I have however despite all this encouraged them to leave the door open."
Why?

AgentZigzag · 20/12/2015 20:34

'he ignores her in the street'

I've never heard of anyone doing that to their own child Shock

That's appalling.

skankingpiglet · 20/12/2015 20:36

So what if he gets angry - that's not why they are sending the letter. They are sending it because they have had enough of the pain caused and don't want further contact. If he doesn't respect this and gets angry, block him. If he turns up, as a PP said, call the police.

StDogolphin · 20/12/2015 20:41

You must be incredibly proud of your children, I know i would be!

KakiFruit · 20/12/2015 20:43

Wow, reading this was quite startling as I did the same when I was about 10 - wrote a letter to my mostly-absent father detailing all his failures. My mum found it and posted it and I was horrified. I had written it as a sort of catharsis, never intending him to see it. His partner opened it (no idea why she opened and read his mail) and then called my mum to discuss it (still think she had no right getting involved) and it was all a bit horrible. I stopped seeing him soon after and in the 15-ish years since, he has never tried to get in touch.

So I beg you, please don't send this without your children's permission!

Dipankrispaneven · 20/12/2015 20:43

Am I the only person wondering what on earth you are doing reading your children's letter and publishing it to thousands of strangers on the internet?

DinosaursRoar · 20/12/2015 20:47

If he's not a physical presence in their and your life, is his anger only going to mean some nasty e-mails/texts/calls or is he likely to turn up and try to physically hurt you/the DCs? You said he broke things when he lived with you, and it does seem that you are still afraid of him and fear his reactions. If he can't get to you to hurt you, what does it matter what he feels? Or if you genuinely feel that he's a danger to you/the DCs, then perhaps you should sit them down and explain who dangerous it would be to send this. (and if he is dangerous, then you shouldn't be encouraging them to keep the door open).

Hissy · 20/12/2015 20:48

My son could write that letter, and if be proud of him if he did.

If talk to him about it and I'd ask him what he wanted to achieve. If he knew it would change nothing in a positive manner but still wanted to send it, i would support him in that.

He may be my son, but I am raising a man, not a child. It's important that they have a feeling of control in their lives and that their opinion matters.

I also believe that when they are treat piss poorly, they have a right to voice their upset at this and the culprit needs to be pulled up on it.

lorelei9 · 20/12/2015 20:48

How old are they? If 12+ I'd say they should go ahead and send it.
He may try to appear in person
He may feel relieved and think he's been let off the hook
All sorts of possibilities but I think their approach is quite right
A good friend, in similar circumstances, asked her dad to quit with occasional visits when she was about 13. She's now 35 and has never regretted it, he left when she was little, never paid towards her etc. That's not a father, better to make a clean break and get on with the good things in life.

Rivercam · 20/12/2015 20:53

I would talk to your children about the letter and see whether they want to send it or not.

I also wondered where you found the letter? Was it put away in a drawer, on top of a desk? Do you think they put it somewhere for you to find it? If so, maybe they want to imitate a conversation about the subject?

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 20/12/2015 20:53

Where i encouraged them to leave the door open because i didn't want them to close the door and regret it and wanted the children to remember i tried and tried so they didn't fall for his crap later on.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/12/2015 20:55

I wondered why she read the letter Dip, then a millisecond later thought it's because she cares about her DC and concerned about their welfare.

Tons of stuff is posted on the net, it's hardly identifying is it?

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 20/12/2015 20:57

He has temper issues. When he fell out with his new partner it was very angrily played out in a very nasty way online. I could block online but it might play out in person if i did that. Hes not the type of person to accept no for an answer.

OP posts:
Creampastry · 20/12/2015 20:57

I think they should send it if they are teenagers and old enough to understand. I wouldn't care what the ex feels.

abbsismyhero · 20/12/2015 20:58

yes Agentzigzag he ignores her which is surprising because she looks just like him and his wife commented on how alike they are so why is it both him and her walk right past her in the street she has been alone with friends and with me not a vague acknowledgment even a hand flap in her direction his brothers say hello as does his mom i could sort of understand if there had been any issue between us over contact/paternity etc but the original reason was because his wife had lost a baby and i told him to spend as much time with her as possible i thought it would be for a month or two that was 10+ years ago now its all my fault i lived in the same house for eight years and the same phone number everything for eight years i gave up in the end i had to move he knew where we moved to he never bothered still

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 20/12/2015 21:00

Letter was left out where i would find it btw.

OP posts:
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