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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask ds to wear a pull up this Xmas

67 replies

RedHead80 · 20/12/2015 09:18

We are staying with my SIL this Xmas (24 to the 27th).

My 12 yo ds still wets the bed most nights but has stopped wearing pull ups because he is embarrassed by them. I perfectly understand so just use a mattress protector and tolerate wet bedding.

However I think it's unfair on my SIL and her husband if he doesn't wear a pull up. I also think it would be more embarrassing for him to wet someone else's bed.

I'm worried that just by asking him he will get upset.

OP posts:

AtSea1979 · 20/12/2015 10:03

Couldn't your family come to you instead? If this was happening every night I'm not sure I'd want to put DS through having to stay over at someone else's house especially for more than one night. Maybe reconsider your plans as your DS is probably going to find it awful whatever you decide to do with bed.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/12/2015 10:05

Personal Experience

Huggies Dry-Nites age 9-15. Explain in an adult way how it would be unfair to expect his aunt to have to deal with his wet bedding, and how difficult it is to wash and dry duvets especially at this time of year.
Explain that you all understand that this is not his fault, but that the grown up thing to do is to lessen the impact on others.

Sell the pull-ups as the grown up option.

(It worked on DS - he finally stopped wetting age 11)

kormachameleon · 20/12/2015 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Borninthe60s · 20/12/2015 10:09

Only if you wear one so he doesn't feel punished by something that's outside his control.

WyrdByrd · 20/12/2015 10:13

I think Milk puts it a good way - perhaps adding that it's a lot easier for you to discreetly dispose of tena pant or similar than deal with wet bedding.

From a longer term POV, has the clinic he's attending suggested neuro linguistic programming (NLP) at all?

My DD was dry before 2.5 but had serious bed wetting issues for several months at 4.5 and 6yo (possibly anxiety related) and it worked unbelievably well and very quickly, even with me doing it with her rather than her actually seeing a therapist.

Might be worth asking about.

Original poster

RedHead80 · 20/12/2015 10:14

I'm surprised he's too embarrassed to wear a pull up but not too embarrassed to have wet bedding and pjs which is surely far less discreet.

It's because he sees pull ups as nappies which he thinks is more babyish than wetting the bed.

He wets the bed about six out of seven nights and is more likely to do it if he stayes up and drinks a lot of fizzy drink (which he will do over Xmas).

They also can't really come to us as our house is a building site at the moment (part of the reasons we are going to theirs).

OP posts:

TeaFathers · 20/12/2015 10:16

i know its not his fault and its very distressing, but he needs to compromise.
if i was him, i'd rather wear pull-ups for a few nights than wet someone's bed.
he'll be mortified if he wets the bed in someone else's house. can he not see that? it sounds like he's blocking out his condition.
and you'll be on edge throughout your stay wondering if he's going to wet the bed or not.

its good that you're seeing a specialist though.

TeaFathers · 20/12/2015 10:18

i wouldn't let him have any fizzy drinks after 6pm.
and i'd cut back all other liquids at that time too.

specialsubject · 20/12/2015 10:18

it's not his fault, but like all conditions it neeeds managing. So he needs the appropriate protective wear and precautions. It can be dealt with discreetly, the whole house doesn't need to know.

that's the grown-up thing to do - sell it to him like that.

Original poster

RedHead80 · 20/12/2015 10:18

From a longer term POV, has the clinic he's attending suggested neuro linguistic programming (NLP) at all?

They haven't. He has only been once so far and they suggested an alarm. That however didn't work. I'm hoping they will start to think about medication or counselling on his next visit.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 20/12/2015 10:32

One of my dnephews had this problem and every time they came to stay I was driven mad by their reluctance to manage the problem. Yes, he didn't like wearing a pull up but I have to say I wasn't mad on all my bedding getting saturated every night...and my bath towels which my SIL decided made good incontinenece pads .

Can I be clear I had no issue at all with my nephew or the bed wetting but with this inability to deal with it appropriately.

So, need to have a calm chat and decide together what works. Pull ups and a pad? Take all your own bedding and do a lot of laundry ( although other children will very likely notice this and comment).

The question you are asking is 'Am I being unreasonable to ask him?' and the answer is YES! Of course YABU because how can he make a decision on the matter if you don't ask? By framing it very matter of factly and making it a practical matter to be decided the embarrassment will be a million times less mortifying than wetting the bed when away from home.

Hope it goes well.

Creiddylad · 20/12/2015 10:33

The charity ERIC have loads of advice on their website. They also sell pj's with built in pads, they might be a solution.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 20/12/2015 10:40

Yes, do. I've done the same with my boys, but they are younger.

Also if your SIL is not used to it, if he wets it might prompt unkind comments. My mum was very upset when both my twins wet the bed when we stayed and literally sat them down and asked them to 'try harder' to not wet the bed as it upset her . I did tell her it was a bit unfair when they literally can't help it but the damage was done.

Wolpertinger · 20/12/2015 10:52

Why not have a chat with him about how he would like to manage it with you - making it clear that leaving SIL to clear up soggy bedding is not an option.

If he feels in control he may be more amenable to sensible ideas?

yorkshapudding · 20/12/2015 10:53

You mentioned he's under a specialist, I assume this is the Enuresis clinic? Have they suggested Desmomelts (Desmopressin tablets)? They can be really effective and it sounds as if the other interventions they've suggested aren't cutting it if he's still wetting most nights. Your GP can also prescribe something in the short term to get you through this visit. This may be the best option, especially if he'll be expected to share a room during the visit, in which case it will be difficult to be discreet.

I agree with previous posters that sitting your DS down for a grown up chat to talk about his options might be less embarrassing and more supportive than simply asking him to wear a pull up. If he associates the phrase 'pull ups' with being babyish, embarrassment etc then maybe don't present that as an option but discuss the use of incontinence pads (probably more effective at his age anyway) or the pyjamas with a built in pad that a pp mentioned. Tena do incontinence pants that work like pull ups but are designed for adults, which may make it more acceptable to him, assuming you can find some to fit. If he's too small for those then I would go for a pad over a pull up, with an additional layer of protection over the sheet for peace of mind. I second the recommendation of puppy training pads (to be placed over the sheet, underneath his bum), they're just as effective as the pads sepcifically designed for bed-wetting but usually cheaper.

leb33 · 20/12/2015 10:58

I did it until my late teens at least, got medication in the end and probably took it longer than I should have. Eventually took the decision to stop them and it hasn't happened since.

Strangely I didn't used to do it in someone else's house (it's as if I knew I couldn't) however I would have loved a solution like a pull up for staying over with someone, he will feel far more comfortable over the whole break and enjoy it more without anxiety.

Original poster

RedHead80 · 20/12/2015 11:02

He is very small for his age so I'm not sure about tena pads. I was going to use the larger size of drynites. Ds2 who is 7 wears the smaller size and has no problem with leakes but am now doubting them.

OP posts:

Chewbecca · 20/12/2015 11:06

I'm sorry to sound unsympathetic but I wouldn't be very happy at all if my DN wet the bed in my house because DSis didn't want to discuss/deal with it. I think you've gotta do something.

BeyondJinglebells · 20/12/2015 11:12

How much does he wee? Just to potentially warn you, I've just had to change ds2 (3.8) back to pampers pull ups (largest size) from the dry nights (tried both small and medium), as the pull ups hold more wee and the dry nights were leaking.

TheLesserSpottedBee · 20/12/2015 11:13

The fact that you can readily buy pull ups for older children in supermarkets tells you there is a huge number of children who need them but somehow not being able to control your bladder when you are asleep is something to be ashamed of.

Ds1 wet the bed until he was 10. Ds2 was dry from 2 1/2. I wet the bed until I was 4.

We tried the alarm route with some success but he was prescribed Desmopressin which worked. Children and adults should produce a hormone called vasopressin which suppresses urine production whilst you sleep. That way you don't get a full bladder which needs emptying. Desmopressin is the fake hormone. You cannot control when you start to produce this hormone.

Ds responded really well to it but we were not willing to medicate him daily so under the advice from the GP we only used the medication whilst we were on holiday or any school residential trips.

I wholeheartedly recommend the ERIC website mentioned above. We monitored our son's liquid intake and output. The more liquid they consume, the bigger their bladder capacity meaning it can hold more. Don't reduce liquid intake.

And yes, I would ask your son to wear a pull up. There are lots of helpful products on incontinence sites on the web too to help with beds.

Spilose · 20/12/2015 11:16

He needs to be wearing them when staying there. Obviously you can't force him but I would absolutely be having a conversation with him about it and heavily suggesting their use. At 12 he is old enough to take some responsibility in this situation and make a compromise.

Sallystyle · 20/12/2015 11:39

Your 7 year old is still wet during the night and has to wear pads as well as your 12 year old?

There is a history of bed wetting in my family for children up to teen years, so I'm guessing it can be genetic? Thankfully mine escaped that problem.

At 12 he is old enough to understand that he needs to wear a pad when he is staying over someone else's house. I hope the clinic helps and this can begin to be solved, or better managed soon. I bet it is just awful for your son and you

Idefix · 20/12/2015 11:43

Really would recommend a trip to the gps before you go and discuss the possibility of trailing ds on desmomelts

We found the alarms completely useless for ds and after trying different medications found desmomelts stopped the wetting.

Have you looked at the www.eric.org.uk/
There is a board for children that may help your ds to cope/understand his feelings.

Bed wetting is for most to a sign of having SN or psychological issues it is often related to a lack of a particular hormone called vasopressin, nightly wetting is one of the signs that this is the case.

Does your sil know? Can you take ds own bedding if he insists on no continence aid?

Idefix · 20/12/2015 12:04

Sorry meant to bed wetting is not a sign of SN or psychological problems

WaitingForSnow · 20/12/2015 12:32

The medication doesn't always work. Even the top dose didn't for my Ds. He is back on the loudest alarm they have but despite the whole house waking he doesn't!!

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