To tell my mother to FOTTFSOFO if she so much as mentions it

[Coldlightofday]

I will be without my DC for the first time this Christmas, post separation. I'm thinking of going to my lovely DSis and family. My mother (many, many ishoos with our relationship)has already started with the ' it will be so sad for me to see you but not to see DC'.
She's not local, she never sees us, she's a nightmare.

I just think her saying it on Christmas day repeatedly might make me stabby wibbly and I need a plan.

You are, that is brilliant !

Mummy Christmas will be great cold -we are doing "bonus Christmas" for my DPs kids and they are so excited, plus we aren't bound by any rules or expectations so we can make our own traditions!

Happy to be of use Cold . Do check in here on the day if she it gets too much - there's bound to be plenty of sympathisers more than willing to help you keep your chins up.

Get your sister to put a large piece of paper on the wall with a marker pen next to it, whenever she says it one of you get up ostentatiously and put a big cross on the paper. When she asks what you're doing tell her you've got a bet on about how often she's going to say it, she needs to carry on a bit longer to help you win.

Great minds Dip! I was just going to say, take a roll of lining paper and blu tax it to the wall. Attach a marker pen on big blob of blu tac and start a 5 bar gate at the first mention.

It's a shame you can't get a nice big click counter that dings when you press the button. Would make a lovely centrepiece and you and your sister could both reach it:o

Do you get on with your ex-dp? Maybe either way suggest your mother goes and spends Christmas afternoon/morning with him and the kids!! Offer to drop her off if its such a big deal. Or is that antagonising..?

Klaxon idea but with jingly bells to keep it festive. Along with large wall tally chart.

What does FOTTFSOF mean?
To be useful, I second the wine bingo idea!

Make yourself a prize chart..

1-5 mentions = a glass of wine
6-10 mentions = an extra mince pie & a glass of wine
11-15 mentions = New foundation/a bottle of something

So on and so forth. Then if she asks tell her you either want to win the wine or the counselling grand prize so could she do her best to do one or the other.

I love the idea of turning it into a game. Get dsis on board. Every time she mwntions dgc, ye both have to down a glass of wine. And burp.

You have my sympathies Coldlight & Waiting - that is my mother also :( From what i've learn't in the last few years, Mums like this are "it's all about me" people because they either have narcissistic tendencies or just are narcissistic .. I think diversion tactics & acceptance can be used to keep yourself sane & beat them at their game of bringing it all back to themselves (as they just will never be able to put you first, so no point thinking you can change their behaviour)
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Am so not looking forward to Christmas as my Dad died this year and my mum still wont make a day for us to all scatter his ashes, and I just know will make the whole day about her. Sometimes diversion & games have worked well in the past, so I will be using that this again this year. We all go out for an hour or two before the Christmas dinner to play with all the children in the family.

We all go out to give her a break, to put her feet up, of course Love the wine bingo idea, with the bells & wall chart to keep festive- now Christmas with family is solved

Oh my god, you could be me. My mum is exactly like this, it's almost refreshing to see posts from someone who gets it!

It's impossible to tell people with a normal functioning parent how exhausting and all encompassing it is. And no - there's nothing you can do except eye-roll at your sister and if possible, change the subject to one about her and watch how fast her grief stops: "oh I love your dress". "Your hair looks nice though." "How's MrsX (her mortal enemy down the road and a perfectly nice human being) doing?" ... I've watched my mum witter on for actual hours as I compliment random things. It's all about low self esteem after all.

Alternatively, if you can brace yourself throughout the day for an unemotional nod, possibly sympathetic "mmmm", and no further reaction, she'll realise there's no drama and sympathy to be had and find the next thing to needle you over move on.

Overall though there's nothing you can really do and it's fucking wearying so you have my sympathies! At least you know there's one more "you" out there battling the same thing. Perhaps we should have a narcissistic bingo thread on the day

I should also add, I've had more success in recent years by just assuming that my mum cannot interpret normal emotions and sometimes needs to be told.

I have said really stark and calm things like, "I can see that you are [emotion] about X, but I don't feel the same way and I really don't like to hear you talking about it. Please stop." And repeat. Maintain eye contact and stay calm. Honestly it's worked a few times when in the old days there would have been a full scale meltdown on both sides.

It's so sad when I think about it all. I don't think my mum's the devil incarnate or anything, she's just self-obsessed and messed up its due to her childhood own issues etc. She sometimes cannot see how inappropriate it is to say and do the things she does...

Same here Kacie, my Mum can be lovely, and is very vibrant and outgoing, but very very insecure underneath it all, hence the issues of bringing it back to her, feeling the need to compete with and constantly advise her own daughters on clothes fashion/weight, and so on . .

Also had the melt down both sides in the old days, now distraction/diversion and keeping calm and almost detached from the issues, emotionally, works well, usually. It's like opening a can of worms , sometimes just best to play it cool and observe the bullshit around you, rather than become upset by the crap dished out

In amongst my Christmas shopping today there is the Yes/No game. This comes with a dingy bell, like you found on hotel receptions in the 1970s.

I'm thinking I can deffo integrate this into some of your ideas

Playing it cool sounds sensible. Soooooooo hard though...

My mother's like this - she can only think of her own feelings/needs. Reasoning with her doesn't work because she has absolutely no insight.

I find advanced sarcasm the best outlet so, in this case, "Yes, it must be absolutely terrible for you, Mother. So much worse than it is for me. Thank you for not letting us forget that my DC aren't here."

I'm not saying it's the mature approach, but it occasionally pulls her up short by distracting her into being huffy and - if nothing else - it makes me feel better

It's impossible to tell people with a normal functioning parent how exhausting and all encompassing it is

YY. People are always telling me to explain to my DM, assuming that the problem is that she doesn't understand my feelings. Wrong: it is because she doesn't care. This sounds harsh because she doesn't mean to be uncaring, she just can't manage empathy. She can be very kind if she feels like it, but she can't empathise. Our relationship has been far better since I understood and accepted this, instead of constantly trying to get her to acknowledge my feelings and being disappointed.

I'm a massive fan of the use od advanced sarcasm shiny, unfortunately my mother responds to it with a wibbly lip and a huge portion of poor little me, I'm so much the victim..

GAH.

When your mother starts, give in to your feelings and cry. Cry everything you've ever wanted to cry, about the children being elsewhere, about the relationship/s you've had/not had, about your parents, about little lambs being made into dinners - anything that needs a cry, cry about it.

You'll feel a lot better. She won't be the centre of attention. She might think its not worth risking that again.

In amongst my Christmas shopping today there is the Yes/No game. This comes with a dingy bell, like you found on hotel receptions in the 1970s.

So instead of the 'It's a Wonderful Life' quote "every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings"

It's "every time a bell rings, my mother's said something stupid"

Lottie is there going to be a Christmas bingo thread for faux pas? I think that would be great.

Op, so sorry you're having your first Christmas without your dc, that must be really tough. Hope you guys have a lovely early or late Christmas, I'm sure it'll be just as lovely even on a different date.

Your mother sounds exactly like mine - I was once hospitalised after going into anaphylactic shock, and apparently taking me home after spending the night hooked up to machines was a massive inconvenience since she had a headache! Clearly more serious than stopping breathing. When we told her ds is autistic her first thought was whether or not she'd still love him! Beyond frustrating. What has helped me is realising she has no filter and that she is just a child really, and so I treat her like one. I tell her when she says something stupid or hurtful (not that she will take any responsibility for it), but keep calm and measured while doing so, then explode when she's gone. There is always booze the day my mother leaves us! We have played bingo for years and it really helps. I'd recommend making up a couple bingo boards for you and whoever else will be there, with alcohol and chocolates for the winner.

Good idea, shall I start one?