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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to spend Christmas with my family abroad while I am suffering with morning sickness?

33 replies

Vespar7 · 18/12/2015 20:31

I live abroad (where DH's family come from) and am currently back in the UK for a month for the Christmas period. This was planned a while ago and DH is due to join me for 2 weeks of the trip. I am currently 7 weeks pregnant with DC3 and am having awful morning sickness again. Last time I was admitted to hospital and was put on a drip a number of times. I would have totally cancelled the trip but my best friend is getting married and I am bridesmaid and my son a page boy. DH is now complaining that he doesn't want to come to the UK just to sit around with the kids as I have said that I most probably won't be up for going on day trips. 2 years ago when I was pregnant he ruined Christmas by being such a miserable sod that I will probably tell him to do what the hell he wants but IABU to think he should support me when I am feeling so awful and have been looking after the kids alone for the past 2 weeks while he has been back home? I guess I am after feedback before I have a massive row! Thanks

OP posts:

aprilanne · 18/12/2015 20:39

personally i would have a good time with kids and family and leave him to it but thats me .no point in everyone being miserable

mintoil · 18/12/2015 20:41

He doesn't want to spend Christmas with his pregnant wife and children?

What a charmer

WiIdfire · 18/12/2015 20:44

You dont want to go on day trips, so he takes the kids out for days out while you relax wherever you are staying. Win-win.

missingmumxox · 18/12/2015 20:44

Why does he need to sit around for the 2 weeks because you are ill? Can't he go out and take the children with him? Just as it sound like you both would have done if you where well.

Original poster

Vespar7 · 18/12/2015 21:19

Sorry I wasn't clear. DH wants to come over for 3 days for Christmas and then go back home rather than spend 2 weeks here as planned. He doesn't want to take the children out by himself and says he would rather look after them at home where I suspect he would take them to his parents and then go to work. I am struggling looking after the kids at the moment and could really use his help but he thinks I am being silly staying for the wedding. It is really important to me and I don't want to let my friend down.

OP posts:

PegsPigs · 18/12/2015 22:00

He steps up to support his pregnant suffering wife and HIS kids. He needs to get over here pronto and take them out to give you a break while you create HIS child. Not sure why you're having another child with this man but there you go.

ScarlettDarling · 18/12/2015 22:49

He sounds like a spoiled brat to be honest. He's a father now and needs to realise that his wants don't come first anymore, he needs to start putting his children first. That means coming to spend Christmas with them, making it fun and not moaning that you can't pander to his needs.

You need to tell him straight how very unreasonable he is being.

DontMindMe1 · 19/12/2015 01:44

so basically he doesn't want to 'parent' and look after his own kids

why did he choose to have them then? are you a brood mare for his posterity or something?

tell him to get his arse in gear and BE a dad! He doesn't get to 'opt out' whenever it suits him!

i don't know what possessed you to have another child with this selfish man but i do hope you're not planning on having anymore with him.

Wagglebees · 19/12/2015 03:41

He sounds awful. Yanbu at all.

Don't row about it though. He isn't worth the stress. Agree and tell him not to bother himself coming over at all, sounds like he makes a misery of it anyway. Have a really nice Christmas surrounded by people who will look after you and will be fun to be around.

I'm sure someone here will be able to advise you on what to do after that.

DesertOrDessert · 19/12/2015 04:16

So, you and kids currently in UK, yes?
He must be coming over soonish, so maybe you can discuss when he's actually seen the state your in.
Could you all compromise, and he stays a week, then takes the kids back earlier than planned, leaving you to rest, and go to the wedding?
He really needs to man up, but I can see why he would want to be at home, rather than stay away (with his PiL?) and a struggling wife, however he needs to support you?

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 19/12/2015 05:35

A couple of thoughts- where are you staying in the UK? Hotel? With friends or with parents? My DH wouldn't want to stay at my parents' house for a fortnight and the cost of a hotel would be huge.

Secondly- how much holiday does he get from work? If he can do some days between Christmas and New Year then that will leave more flexibility for when the baby comes or for other unforeseen situations during the year.

I would have stayed at home for most of the time if I were you and just gone over to the UK for three or four days alone for the wedding and to see your parents.

I don't think DH is unreasonable as it doesn't sound like much fun for him; days out in the UK in December are cold, dark and lots of places are closed anyway. Not everyone's cup of tea. The children will be ok wherever, as long as whoever they are with isn't stressed.

oneowlgirl · 19/12/2015 05:56

YANBU - he should be supporting you & his children. I do often wonder when I read threads like these though as to why on earth women decide to have multiple children with men like this, as from what you've said, you've seen his true colours already & yet you're pregnant with his 3rd child .

NoahVale · 19/12/2015 06:33

you are over in the uk so you can be a bridesmaid but you think you wont be able to manage with your kids? and your dh would prefer to be in another country with the kids?
i can see his point. he wont know what to do and where to go, alone without you

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 19/12/2015 06:49

So are you so sick you might be in hospital or unable to move from the sofa or looking forward to your mate's wedding? Because it can't be both, surely? I'm kind of seeing his point tbh.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 19/12/2015 06:51

Why do people marry and have children with men like this?

I can see where some more DH friendly responses are coming from, but at the end of the day it seems like this was an agreed thing between you, and now he is saying he can't be fucked, so will sod off back home and leave you to it.

If he goes home early then he should be taking the children back with him. You've already been looking after them alone for two weeks, now it's his turn to give YOU a break. Also: doesn't want to take the kids out? Would just dump them at his parents'?

Why do women stay with men who won't be equal parents to their children?

WHY?!?!?!?

Pidapie · 19/12/2015 09:14

:o He should absolutely stay by your side like a proper man!! Oh this made me a bit angry!

Pidapie · 19/12/2015 09:17

That is not the smiley I wanted!

BlackeyedSusan · 19/12/2015 09:28

not much fun for him? doubt morning sickness is much fun for the op to befair. stay here. with your mum and the children ifhe can not be bothered to look after them.

Theoretician · 19/12/2015 09:48

So he doesn't want to have a horrible two weeks in a foreign country to enable OP to go to a wedding?

He's not refusing to look after the children, just asking to do it where he's comfortable?

I think I'd feel the same, in his position.

LIZS · 19/12/2015 10:13

If you are not up to day trips will you be up for the wedding? Will he even be able to change travel arrangements. I think you need to decide what you are up to on an as and when basis rather than write all the stay off. Can't he take the dc out alone?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 19/12/2015 10:17

If you're too stick to go out, will you even be well enough to go to a wedding?

I think it's understandable that, in this situation, he would rather be at home than in a foreign country with his in-laws, tbh.

honeyroar · 19/12/2015 10:36

I've lived abroad for a few years, so I appreciate how lovely it is to spend time at home with friends and family. Your husband should appreciate that you don't see them often and want to go to this wedding, and should be there to help you, even if that does mean staying with in laws etc. And there is so much stuff to do with kids in December in the UK on day trips. It's not always easy moving to another culture for a partner, you did it for him, this is time for him to show he appreciates it/you and pay you back a little. That's what a good relationship does...

LucilleBluth · 19/12/2015 10:42

I actually agree with the DH here. Reverse the genders here. I wouldn't want to be hanging around with my in laws when I could be at home. I think the three days is a good compromise.

NoahVale · 19/12/2015 11:09

i think if you are planning to be a bridesmaid you should plan to go on day trips, dont be pessimistic about the day trips. cross that bridge when you come to it, look on the bright side, and if you find you feel ill when the day in question arrives, so be it. but to plan on being too ill for day trips but ok for a wedding sounds like a cop out to me and your dh.

SpecialistSnowflake · 19/12/2015 11:23

Lol at 'Reverse the genders here.' when I was just thinking that if my boyfriend was ill and needed me I'd move heaven and earth to get to him and take care of him. And that's just 'ill', in this case it's complications arising from her growing his latest child. She's being ill partly to benefit him...

Reversing the genders here would generally lead to a very different situation, because women don't tend to get away with acting like overgrown spoiled children well into their adult years. The poor baby won't get to go on any day trips, and he'll be in danger of having to parent his own children? The absolute horror of it all. Don't worry, he'll probably fly his Mummy over with him!

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