Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

party invites frustration!

53 replies

mummymummums · 18/12/2015 19:08

It is my daughter's 9th birthday in January, and she is allowed 10 friends to her party which is at a local venue. She has one 'friend' at school who is a child I cannot warm to (and from what I gather I am not alone) - she is well known for being spiteful and unkind, and she makes a big show of who is and is not her friend that day. Children seem to try and stay on her 'good side' for an easy life. Have never understood what my daughter sees in her, as all her other friends are lovely, but it's her choice.
DD insisted that she wanted to invite this girl to the party, and apparently the girl told my DD that she was inviting DD to her own forthcoming party, and has been quizzing DD about her party to make sure she gets invited.
So we did the invites and they were handed out on Monday. This girl apparently immediately accepted and is very excited (the venue is pretty cool). On Tuesday my daughter came home disappointed, because this girl handed out her invites, making a big show of doing so, for her own birthday party, at another well liked local venue. But my daughter is NOT invited. This girl is now repeatedly discussing her own party whenever my daughter is in earshot, and basically making sure she rubs her nose in it, along with a couple of others she has left out.
I am sooooooooo irritated. I am so not looking forward to the party with this little horror sat in the middle of it, probably being a right royal pain (she is v badly behaved). I just cannot think of a way to uninvite her.
Don't get me wrong - this isn't the first time a thing like this has happened, but usually it's been a few months after. Whilst I understand that almost 9 year olds have their own minds, nonetheless I would tell my daughter that if she was accepting an invite to a party, around the same time as her own, she ought to invite the child to her own party and if she doesn't want to, she should decline the invite. AIBU???? Both me and daughter wish this girl had never been invited but I guess we're stuck with it now???

OP posts:

abbieanders · 18/12/2015 21:14

I think this is one where your daughter must decide. Is there any way she can be otherwise engaged on the day of the other party, so even if she had been invited, she would have to have regretfully declined?

shebird · 18/12/2015 21:19

I think it would be bad to uninvte this girl because you DD was not invited to her party. Although its mean to lord it over your DD it might have been her parents who decided or maybe limited numbers due to cost etc.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 18/12/2015 21:25

I wouldn't feel confident labelling an 8 year old 'the bratty one' or a 'manipulative bully' based on the second hand pieces of information we've got in here.

You could say that about anything posted on MN surely. We respond to in information given and that is generally second hand isn't it??

Well no, a lot of threads on MN are from posters conveying first hand info "this man said this to me - was he rude or was I?", "I don't want PILs to come for Xmas dinner" etc. The OP only knows what her DD has told her and, though I'm sure what she has heard is the truth, it's never the same thing as being there. You don't get the full picture. That's why hearsay is inadmissible in court isn't it? Also, the manipulative bully or little madam or whatever is 8 years old. I can't get into the name calling tbh.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2015 21:25

Exactly, yes 8 year olds can bully, one of my bullies when I was 7 made me stand in a spot and wee all over me, I still feel humiliated 30 years later. monty it is bullying, what tge girl did to op dd was incredibly nasty and spiteful, I would be talking to the teacher about the girls behaviour. The integers are scared of her, her behaviour needs dealing with, or it will continue. Op use this holiday to help your dd be more assertive towards this girl and to help her self esteem. Tell your dd that if this girl is mean to her she has to tell the teacher.

Original poster

mummymummums · 18/12/2015 21:26

I was just wanting other perspectives on it, as it was on my mind so much, (couldn't see wood for trees) and when someone mentioned bully it made me think that is quite right. But I don't think she's ever physical. I think she's history from my family's perspective. Hurrah

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2015 21:27

That is why monty op has to take it up with the teachers. If what op dd is saying is true than its unacceptable!

Bahumbug · 18/12/2015 21:27

Womb, I understand what you are saying but at who's expense? I would not allow this child to get away with that behaviour at my dd's expense and would promptly uninvite her.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2015 21:29

What she did to op dd, was extremely nasty, it is something that op dd will remember for a long time, and when she looks back will probably feel sad. It might even affect her self esteem. Thus needs dealing with, that bully woukd not be welcome at dd party.

Supermanspants · 18/12/2015 21:29

I will assume you have never had to deal with this sort of behaviour directed towards your DC Monty

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2015 21:30

I am sure op has seen this girl in action as well, so supports what her dd tells her.

Original poster

mummymummums · 18/12/2015 21:37

Yes, she's been here. I've seen her in action, and I have helped in school and on trips and seen it. But I try to let DD make her own decisions re who to invite, though I'd insist she invited someone if she'd just been or was going to theirs. I will talk to teacher when they start back, so she's aware.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2015 21:43

Good plan op, support your dd.

theycallmemellojello · 18/12/2015 21:49

Sorry, I don't think uninvolved her would be the right thing to do or the right example to set to your dd. Just back your dd up and keep an eye on the girl at the party. I think talking te situation through with your dd and giving her strategies for distancing herself without cutting off the girl might be an idea. Tbh she is probably pretty unhappy to be acting like this so I wouldn't feel like she is 'winning'.

theycallmemellojello · 18/12/2015 21:52

I'm also uncomfortable labelling the showing off about a party bullying in a nine year old. It really might not be aimed at your dd. Doesn't mean she doesn't need to learn to be more sensitive and kind, but not necessarily bullying.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 18/12/2015 21:52

If your DD and the girll fall out (which is very likely after this little stunt that she's pulled) would she still want to go to your DD's party?
There might be enough time for her to dustance herself from the idea.

Or if she does attend, make sure that you have everyone's numbers ( parents of 9yo don't stay at parties ) and the second she plays up, phone her Mum/Dad to take her home.
You don't want your DDs party spoiled by this behaviour and it might do the girl good to see she won't be tolerated and humoured.

What happens though if your DD gets an invitation to the girl's party? If someone drops out or her Mum reads MN?

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 18/12/2015 22:01

Superman, DD isn't at school yet so no, I've never had to deal with anything like this. Does that make my opinion invalid now? Shall I just go away..?

I have been bullied (quite badly) myself, and I repeat, for the third time, that if the OP thinks her DD is being bullied (as she now says she does), she should speak to the school. OP didn't think the girl was a bully till she came on here, so the fact that people who have never met either of these children seem to be sure enough that this girl is a manipulative bully to label her such is surprising to me. Either way, the OP now says she is, so, (if my opinion is worth giving), I would probably be having a word with he school and uninviting the girl. I don't think I would host a child at a party while also reporting them for bullying my child iyswim.

Aeroflot, what happened to you sounds hideous. I'm very sorry to hear that.

Original poster

mummymummums · 18/12/2015 22:01

DD won't get an invite 70isa - party is Sunday. But if she did we'd have to decline as its time for distance. But if she comes and plays up or upsets anyone with her usual antics I'll be onto her Mum. Still hoping they miss the deadline though!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2015 22:12

It was monty I beat myself up over it. Why did I just stand there, why did I just take it. I was only 7 and so was the boy in question. It was like I was dirt

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 18/12/2015 22:15

Aeroflot for you. What an awful thing to go through. (Obviously) it was not your fault in any way at all.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2015 22:21

Thanks monty tgere were other things too. Not as bad, even at primary level, bullying exists.

Tate15 · 18/12/2015 22:30

chances are the mean girl will try and spoil your daughters party or keep referencing her own party saying hers is better and generally taking the limelight of your daughters special day and you can have zero tolerance and call the mother to collect her early for misbehaving.

Probably about 15 minutes into the party from the sound of things.

Original poster

mummymummums · 18/12/2015 22:45

Yes Tate15 I think you're right! They still might miss the deadline and anything bad in between and I'll message her Mum before and stop her coming.
Sorry to hear about your experience Aeroflotgirl. Children can be so cruel.
I think with our situation, the girl concerned does cause upset and her behaviour could be very upsetting. But like I said, my daughter is mostly bullet proof and usually doesn't dwell. I believe other parents have had to go to school over this child though and have construed her behaviour as bullying, not physical but the general excluding certain kids thing, and telling children who they're allowed to play with, which is horrible

OP posts:

Supermanspants · 18/12/2015 22:55

Monty
I base my opinion on the information the OP has given and yes, this girl sounds manipulative. Hardly name calling is it. Do you not believe that an 8 or 9 year old can be manipulative? Why does this suprise you? It is simply another form of human behaviour. The OP wanted opinions and she got them. The OP has explained clearly why she is has this dilemma because her DD is wary of this girl as are others based on what the OP has said. Perhaps direct your confusion at the OP.

Perhaps when your child has been on the receiving end of persistent social exclusion to the point that her experiences in primary school have had a continued damaging effect into late teens then you can call people out on their interpretation of the events described by the OP. IMO yes, your opinion is somewhat invalid but that is just my opinion. Rather petty to suggest that you should just go away don't you think.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2015 23:47

Yes bullying can happen in primary school, at 9 the girl bloody knows what she is doing. That ok mummy, I was trying to highlight hw adty some primary kids can be, don't think they can't or don't understand. For that alone, this girl is absolutely spiteful and nasty. It was Probably planned, not done without thought.

Original poster

mummymummums · 19/12/2015 00:06

I absolutely agree Aeroflotgirl. Anyone who knows this girl would understand she is spiteful and nasty, but she spreads it wide so everyone gets a bit depending on which way the wind blows. As far as I can tell she doesn't just target one or two! On the last school trip I went on she got taken out of the final (fun) activity for nastiness. But I guess my daughter had to come to the realisation herself and now has. I will overrule DD in future though if she wants to invite her to something! But I don't think she will....DD is very sunny and cheerful and bounces well but I don't think she'll forget this incident.

Grateful for everyone's opinions - feel a bit less cross. First thread I've started and it was cathartic, thank you!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread