to have just had the most awful, terrible, heart-rending realisation?

[HookedOnTurkey]

At some point in the not-so-distant future my babies might not want to be with me at Christmas.

maybebabybee so you and your 3 sibs spend every Christmas with your mum? This is meant to give OP hope? Suppose she's the DP's mum in your scenario - who only ever gets to see her own child on 27th and never Christmas Day? I think you are being horribly selfish (mother of boys here obviously)

Yes! My siblings are younger than me though so this may change.

Not remotely selfish, that's what my DP wants too. My mum is a single mum and Christmas is a big deal for us. DP's parents are together, not bothered about Christmas and generally go away for it anyway.

Wouldnt care if it was selfish anyway, if DP wanted to go to his parents for Christmas he would be more than welcome to, but I'm not leaving my mum.

I will never have this problem as 6yo DS has promised he will never leave me, he is, and I quote, 'going to stay with me forever'.

Isn't it Homer Simpson in a santa hat? [santa]

i,m 42 and i have spent maybe 2or 3 xmas,s not at my parents in my whole life dh has no family so he is happy to go to my parents they usually have at least either me or my sister and our families usually both!

Yes, completely selfish. You are never going to have Christmas away from your mother. You have a child on the way so that child will never see his other grandparents on Christmas, only his maternal grandmother. And if your DP wants to see his child on Christmas, he has to go to your mother's too.

On what planet is this not selfish?!

What happens in the future when your child has children? And says "I can never see you at Christmas because my DP will only ever go to their parents and not you"?

I also have various fairly conplicated MH issues which mean I find it hard to be away from my family, but you judge away.

As neither DP nor his parents have any issues with the arrangement, I see no reason why you should

And - so as not to derail the thread completely - if OP ends up as the DP's parents in your situation, her heart rending realisation will have been correct.

My DP prefers to be with my family on Christmas day. Shocking though it may be to you we have actually discussed this umpteen times.

I don't have any issues with your arrangement. It's your life, live how you want. I said it was selfish, which it is. Doesn't bother me at all.

Oh and also my mum has invited my PIL for Xmas a few times - they don't want to come. They're quite happy doing their own thing.

Well, as we have modelled taking it in turns which set of grandparents are invited here each year, I presume our DCs will do the same, which means I'll get to spend every other year with one of them, I kind of hope they dont do alternating, as it might be nice to have one big year with both DCs and their partners/any DGC they produce, then have a year when DH and I eat party food in our PJs and watch crap on telly or go away etc...

PIL only have boys, they have only had one year without at least one of the boys, it was the year I was in labour with DC1 so obviously we didn't go over. They'll be here Christmas day. Last year DBIL, SIL and DN went to them.

If I never got to spend christmas with my DCs, that would be depressing, but every other year would be ok. Mind you, I intend to be a fabulously lovely MIL so any DIL/SonIL adores me and would rather be with me anyway...

We have generally alternated. We did a few years of one lot for Christmas and another for new year as our parents are 400 miles apart. That stopped after an 8 hour journey in the snow with two little ones. I would like them to come to us but no spare room and my parents are hamstrung too by very elderly relatives who cant travel.
I think you have to be fair though. Dreadfully selfish to insist on the same scenario every year to the advantage of one parent. That's not what partnerships are about.

Op you may be lucky, I would genuinely love to have my parents or mother in law but despite the fact we are both only children neither deem us or their grandchildren suitable company this year. In fact if you are jettisoned in future years just pm me you can come here bring wine

Very much agree with educatingarti tbh.

Two sets of our family friends are having to deal with the truly awful, terrible, heart-rending fact that they will never spend Christmas with either of their sons again.

One lost their son to cancer just last week - he was in his early forties. The others lost their son (their only child) four months ago completely out of the blue at the age of 39.

It's Christmas, so I won't suggest you get a grip as I realise it does stir up all kinds of emotions, but perhaps concentrating a little more on the here and now and counting your blessings would be a good idea.

This is a really interesting thread. MNers accounts from all aspects are a great insight. Thanks.

Our DSs and GCs all go to DILs parents every year on the insistence of DILs.

I wonder if the other GPs / in laws, ever think that we might like to see our DSs and their families for Christmas Dinner?

We are all in a 10 mile radius and could put everyone up? Can't rock the boat though.

I think it's really odd the dil insists on going to her parents. Don't most people alternate? That's what I always thought anyway. But I won't go to either anyway as I don't want the dcs to remember Christmases in the car, we spend it at home and invite whoever wants to come.

Ones an only child the other from a big family.

That's truly awful Wyrdbird

On an entirely separate note [santa] is 2 toilet rolls in a Christmas hat. Obviously. I only discovered it this afternoon but intend to try to use it in every post til 25th

2 toilet rolls with a cheap Father Christmas hat on the top just is Christmas, on so many levels [santa]

As an old person (nearing 60) with one DS, we are taking Christmas to DMiL, who is 86 and 290 miles away, then going on to DM who is only 80 afterwards, to catch up with the nieces and nephews. We talk about our Christmas in the sun every year, but it's not happening until neither of them is left around. And that will be a sad day. In years gone by, they have all come to us but now they can't drive, this is what's left. We shall alternate in years to come, as many as are left to us, but it's tough on our son who is only 16 and would probably like to see his friends. Christmas is always a negotiated settlement.

Christmas is, in fact, always over hyped, emotionally overloaded, and stupidly stressful. Even without thinking about cooking and presents. The expectations and emotions and resentments and over thinking people hang on to that one day of the year is ridiculous.

[santa] toilet roll and a cheap santa hat...

Is there a phrase that goes something like.... A daughter's a daughter all her life, a son's a son till he finds a wife?

Silver we spend every Christmas with DH's parents because they do Christmas better (which for me means more informally and mostly focussed around food, drink and kids) and are more hands on with the kids. At my parents' its all about duty and routine and artificially created traditions and church, church and more church.

Do Christmas better, and if the adult child wants an extended family Christmas they will probably come to you at least one year in two, and maybe every year if your DIL's parents do a dreary Christmas and have other kids living around the corner from them anyway [santa]

My siblings and I are all in our 30s and my parents always have at least one of us for Christmas. They always see my brother as sil's family live abroad. My grandmother always spent Christmas with one of her two sons until she died in her 90s. So it's not inevitable!

This is the first year one of the dcs isn't going to be home for Christmas - dd2 is going to her boyfriend's this year. It will be strange...