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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have argued with DH over presents...

36 replies

redcarrot1 · 17/12/2015 23:28

Just had a blazing row with DH over present buying for his family. He is under the impression it's ok for his mum in her 70s to get the presents for his siblings/their OHs on behalf of us and presumably wrap them and sign them off from us? In the past we've done some of it ourselves (except stuff he's got collaboratively with his 3 brothers) but I draw a line at being left out of the process completely. I want to know what I'm supposedly giving, plus I want to actually write on the tag 'from him, me & dd' like it means something and we're an actual fucking family. Christ I can't fucking see what the problem is with calling up your brother to ask what he and his wife want directly rather than deferring to his mother. Fucking child!
Aibu?
Vent over.

OP posts:
cailindana · 17/12/2015 23:31

Why are you even getting involved? Why not just wash your hands of the whole thing or just go out and buy presents yourself?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 23:31

YANBU it sounds like this is something she's done since they were kids and it's not stopped for some odd reason.

What I'd do is just choose something myself and give that...ignoring his Mum's choice and letting her do her thing.

Unless she expects you to give the money for what SHE chose?

theycallmemellojello · 17/12/2015 23:32

Erp idk, unless you're offering to do the calling and buying, I think yabu. My mum does stuff for me sometimes, not because I'm a child but because she's retired and happy to do it and I'm busy and stressed. I wouldn't be happy if my dh insisted that I do these tasks myself, but if be fine with him offering to do them.

Maryz · 17/12/2015 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 17/12/2015 23:40

I wouldn't bother getting involved to be honest. It just wouldn't be something I would see as an issue at all.

If his mother is happy to do this then let it happen. Why create stress needlessly.

Original poster
redcarrot1 · 17/12/2015 23:41

I'm in my late 30s, I don't need a woman in their 70s doing this for me.

OP posts:
Domino777 · 17/12/2015 23:43

I'd let it go but have a joke with BIL and SIL saying you can't believe DH does that!

theycallmemellojello · 17/12/2015 23:43

Ok, so tell her you don't need the presents...

Domino777 · 17/12/2015 23:44

Or say to mil 'next time you must let DH do his own gifts as he's not a boy'

Original poster
redcarrot1 · 17/12/2015 23:44

I suppose I feel touchy because I haven't been asked whether I want In or out and if my child is going to give something to someone I want to be part of the process.

Maybe I am too touchy...

OP posts:
Maryz · 17/12/2015 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 17/12/2015 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
redcarrot1 · 17/12/2015 23:52

Yes, I could do that Maryz.

I still think it's rude to discount someone from the process without asking.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 17/12/2015 23:55

Fucking hell that's the bit that annoys you? You not being consulted?

I'd be more pissed off that I was married to someone who was happy to leave buying presents to his MUM in his 30s and I certainly wouldn't want it passed to me! What a child.

theycallmemellojello · 17/12/2015 23:56

Tbh I think she probably assumes that you are responsible for your side of the family and dh is responsible for his. So she is doing it for him, not you. But I'm sure you can just tell her you like doing it yourself.

Maryz · 17/12/2015 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
redcarrot1 · 18/12/2015 00:04

This seems to split views down the middle. I like to feel like the present comes from us three as a family, not via someone else. It's like the whole day is for the grandmother's benefit.

OP posts:
Maryz · 18/12/2015 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhitePhantom · 18/12/2015 00:12

Do your Dh's siblings know that your mil is doing this and that ye didn't actually pick out the gifts? And does your Dh receive gifts supposedly from his siblings that his mother had bought?

It seems like a strange way of doing things, but hey if it works for them and is what they've always done then let them off!

5Foot5 · 18/12/2015 00:12

I am with you on this OP. This sounds like your DH and his bros have been quite happy to leave it all to Mum. I wonder would she have done all this choosing, buying and wrapping if they were daughters?

I remember many years ago when a (single male) colleague in his late 20s announced how he had Christmas sorted because his Mum bought and wrapped all the presents he needed to get and then billed him for them. He looked quite shocked when I told him he should be ashamed of himself!

I think there is this old-fashioned belief that sorting out presents is "women's work" so some men will be averse to doing it themselves and some mothers who wouldn't dream of doing this for their daughters will nevertheless do it for their sons.

Morganly · 18/12/2015 00:37

It is utterly pathetic for a grown man to let his mum buy and wrap presents for his siblings.

However, your objection is that you are left out/not consulted/something I don't understand about your child. I think you are being a little self obsessed here.

I suppose you could take on this task if you wanted to but why would you want to? It's his responsibility and would just be adding to your workload.

Does he buy and wrap presents for you? Your children if you have any? This should matter more to you than what is going on in the wider family.

He does sound useless, lazy, selfish and thoughtless but Christmas presents for his siblings is probably not the issue to make a big deal out of.

Topseyt · 18/12/2015 03:14

Maybe his mother enjoys doing this and sees it as a "tradition" in which she feels she continues to play a valued role.

I am another who would be seriously relieved at someone wanting to take on some any of my wrapping. Worth their weight in gold.

I'd honestly just let it slide. Is it really such a big deal?

Enjolrass · 18/12/2015 06:52

Why does that bother you?

It's his family, unless mil is complaining it's too hard to do, I can't see why you are getting involved. In which case you would be annoyed at your dh for letting his mother do it when he is capable of doing it himself.

It's gifts for his family, let him do it the way he wants.

I really really don't see why this has got you so worked up.

We aren't getting mil anything this year. She bought herself something and told dh to not give her the money. He is to buy himself something from her and fil and leave it at that. She isn't buying him anything.

I think it's odd that we aren't giving her a present and she is giving dh anything. But they seem happy with it and it's between them.

Krampus · 18/12/2015 06:55

It does sound wierd, if it were my husband I would have laughed at him several times by now and asked him what the fuck is going on. Then shrugged my shoulders and let them all get on with it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/12/2015 07:00

Does your mil buy and wrap your husband's gifts to you?!

This situation is weird and infantile but I
Would keep out of it as long as it's confined to the in laws and doesn't extend to presents for you and your child.

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