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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have argued with DH over presents...

36 replies

redcarrot1 · 17/12/2015 23:28

Just had a blazing row with DH over present buying for his family. He is under the impression it's ok for his mum in her 70s to get the presents for his siblings/their OHs on behalf of us and presumably wrap them and sign them off from us? In the past we've done some of it ourselves (except stuff he's got collaboratively with his 3 brothers) but I draw a line at being left out of the process completely. I want to know what I'm supposedly giving, plus I want to actually write on the tag 'from him, me & dd' like it means something and we're an actual fucking family. Christ I can't fucking see what the problem is with calling up your brother to ask what he and his wife want directly rather than deferring to his mother. Fucking child!
Aibu?
Vent over.

OP posts:

Passthecake30 · 18/12/2015 07:02

Can she do mine too? I
I think it's strange, but I would just let her carry on, maybe add a token present to everyone if you want to add a personal touch?

Helmetbymidnight · 18/12/2015 07:03

She is doing your dhs job for him. (Lazy arse or family tradition or both - who knows?!)

There's no way I'd want to get involved! Let em get on with it.

Original poster

redcarrot1 · 18/12/2015 07:19

I think it's a family tradition that he defers to his mum in many situations. Whenever it's time to get something for someone he's always, 'well I'LL see what Mum thinks'. He's very poor at communicating directly with siblings.

I wish I'd just left it now. I happen to be someone who likes to be in control so we clash in these senarios.

OP posts:

Dipankrispaneven · 18/12/2015 07:21

I hate buying presents for DH's family, I'm not that sold on buying them for my own, to be honest. If someone would take that on for me, I'd be delighted.

whois · 18/12/2015 08:48

Um, I'd have quite liked that system!

FinallyHere · 18/12/2015 09:12

I can see that it might feel that she is doing it to try and dominate you, as she does her children, but really, do you care what they do? I'm really agreeing with those who say pick your battles and there may be other more important ones. Christmas and gifts is so wrapped up in emotion, that i would say this is a difficult place to start asserting your own rule over your own family.

Or are you a tiny bit jealous that she has them so well under control?

I'd leave her to it, honestly but make sure you do the things that do matter to you. The big stuff: parent your children together with your partner, instil values, get them to know right from wrong, make the most of their opportunities and be kind to others less fortunate than themselves or anyone who is struggling with their life. Christmas presents for adult family members, not so much.

Thymeout · 18/12/2015 09:13

It's like the whole day is for the grandmother's benefit.

Oh - so it's not because it's a woman in her 70's being put upon after all.

It's a MIL thread.

And you've just had a blazing row about this?

BadLad · 18/12/2015 09:21

I'd roll my eyes if my wife did this, and then let them get on with it. It seems very odd to be so highly-strung that it causes a "blazing row".

Enjolrass · 18/12/2015 11:37

It's clear that this about your mil and your dhs relationship with her.

If there are issues there. Then deal with them. Having a blazing row about how he goes about getting his siblings presents if for him to sort.

If he was buying it or rang them to ask what they wanted, why would you have anymore control over it?

Why do you need control over what he buys his siblings?

neverputasockinatoaster · 18/12/2015 12:54

It has taken me the best part fo 20 years to get my head around how my ILs 'do' Christmas.
I was brought up in a family where we had a tree up from the last day of term, presents wrapped and put under it, we chose presents for each other and were responsible for wrapping them. Presnts handed out one at a time and the person thanked there and then. I LOVED Christmas.

DH's family have a weird take on Christmas as fas as I am concerned. No tree. No Father Christmas. Presnts are handed to each person in sacks and unwrapping is a free for all. When I tried to buy little gifts for everyone it was obvious they were not appreciated as they were not 'from the list'. When I asked what I should get people the year DH and I married I was told 'Oh, you're buying X this book' etc and when I said OK I'd get that and post it up I was told 'OH no, I've got it already, it's wrapped and in their bag.'

They never ever ever ever ever buy anything remotely frivolous. All gifts are things people need. If you are really really lucky you might get a book or DVD. This year my eldest BIL decided he wanted to buy me a gift. As he has ASD and doesn't work so has very limited funds I was deeply appreciative. I asked for a pair of embroidayr scissors, specifically the ones that look like a bird. They cost about £5 in Wilkos and I was told my gift limit was £5. I'm not gettign them. I'm getting a different pair because they are less fancy than the bird ones. They aren't any cheaper though......

So, to get to my point....... I'd leave them to it. Any time I have gone 'off list' I have been subjected to huff and disapproval. Just sigh deeply and focus your attention on getting gifts for others.

Topseyt · 18/12/2015 13:07

You wish you had just left it, so apologise for causing a needless blazing row with your DH and then actually do just leave them all to get on with things as they wish.

If your MIL is unhappy then presumably she is capable of saying so, but so far she hasn't.

Why do you need to control it? She is taking pressure off you, surely? Count yourself lucky. I am not looking forward to the mountain of wrapping I need to do this weekend while DH and the DDs are all out on various jaunts.

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