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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want anything to do with exH family anymore

28 replies

Shouldknowbetter2015 · 17/12/2015 22:11

Long story short: exH convicted of an unforgivable crime. I knew nothing about his secret life. I left him immediately & my family helped pick up the pieces of my & my two DCs lives. We had to move & they supported all this. At first my I laws were shocked & supportive, but as time went on & we moved away they have become less & less involved in mine & my DCs lives. I always encouraged visits, contact etc., but they never seemed bothered. I've had a hard time, but thanks to my parents' & family's loving support, both emotional & financial, I've rebuilt our lives, my dc are settled & happy & I've got a new career. Haven't seen ex inlaws in over a year, they've never offered any help for the devastation their son caused me. But they want to see the dc (not me, I hasten to add - request was specifically to see 'the children') over Christmas. I want to tell them to Foff - they have done f all to support me and my dc. They have no idea how hard my life is at times & have never bothered to ask me how I am. Their loyalty is with their criminal son. And my oldest doesn't want to see them either. Do I tell them outright I don't want anything to do with them? Or just keep ignoring them? Advice please!

OP posts:

Themodernuriahheep · 17/12/2015 22:29

Gosh, what an awful thing. Poor you and well done for surviving do well

Completely understand, but it's a shame not to gave contact with the grandchildren , for them and for the DCs. And if I were in their shoes I would put the dc's down as the major reason for seeing them, I' might feel awkward about mentioning you. Or they aren't good with words.

I can imagine they are torn. You don't stop loving someone and indeed feeling really guilty about the upbringing. Perhaps your DCs could help to heal the gap? And give you support?

Though Completely understand you want nothing to do with exh, nit your DCs, and you should make that plain.

HortonWho · 17/12/2015 22:35

Well if the kids aren't old enough to be seen without your assistance, then they're not really asking but requesting you do as they ask. And since for the last year they've not out your children's interests in the forefront and try to keep communication open with you through this - they can fuck right off. Do you have any proof that they didn't know all along and weren't in on the deception? Most people would be shocked and would have reached out to you to let you know they also didn't know and to not let it affect the relationship with their grandchildren.

Themodernuriahheep · 17/12/2015 22:36

And, I suppose, I would say something like,

This year has been really hard for us all, on every level. I don't want to disturb the DCs ' equilibrium. How would it be to give it a pause this year- I'm still pretty shattered- and see how things go? But glad you want to be in touch with them. Of course you will understand I don't want them to be in contact with their father at the moment.

cailindana · 17/12/2015 22:39

YANBU. You tried to keep up a relationship with them and they didn't reciprocate. They can't now waltz back into your life and expect you to jump. You've had enough to deal with. Tell them to get lost.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 17/12/2015 22:42

Do you believe it will cause them more upheaval to see them after such a long period of time, when they are connected to their father, and when your eldest is saying he doesn't want to see them?

You and your DC have been through a lot of trauma, you protect them as best you see fit.

tanukiton · 17/12/2015 22:44

Did they used to see the children without you before ? How old are the children ? would they be encouraging contact with your ex? There are many factors here.
I do as the modern says and say glad your back in touch but it has been a hell of a year so let's get Christmas over first and see what the new year brings, will pass on any messages to the kids etc.

UmbongoUnchained · 17/12/2015 22:46

They'll give in, your children obviously aren't important to them. My ex's family saw my daughter once after we split and haven't seen her since. Ex hasn't seen her at all. This was 9 months ago.

Jux · 17/12/2015 22:56

Your eldest doesn't want to see them. Leave it for now.

Morecheesegrommet · 17/12/2015 23:01

Your priority should be to make sure the kids are kept away from all the crap caused by their dad. Do you think they are initiating contact to try and create/maintain a link between exDH and the DC?
Only consider what is best for the DC , nothing else. If your gut says 'no', trust your gut.

Original poster

Shouldknowbetter2015 · 18/12/2015 06:30

Thanks for all your posts. It actually happened nearly 4 yrs ago & in that time the ex ILs have only seen kids a few times, and at the start i actively encouraged it. However, they have nit made any effort to be part of our lives, apart from the odd text & birthday & Christmas presents (for kids, not for me). Don't want to give dcs ages, but dc1old enough to understand & make own decision & dc2 was so young when it happened they don't know their dad. I think it's lip service tbh, the ex ILs want the nice bits (ie to see the kids) when it suits them, but don't want to have to face the consequences of what their son did. They are totally not interested in me, how i feel & how difficult my life is.

OP posts:

financialwizard · 18/12/2015 06:34

My answer would be a firm no under the circumstances and I doubt I'd elaborate.

redcaryellowcar · 18/12/2015 06:51

Before you said it was four years ago, I was going to suggest that you say 'we are a bit busy leading up to Christmas, can we put something in the diary for the new year?'
But if they've been apathetic for four years, I wouldn't be rushing about. Nice for your children to have a relationship with them, but they need to help that.
So sorry to hear why this is all an issue op, hope you are ok?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/12/2015 06:58

I'd say no to them and leave it at that.

lunar1 · 18/12/2015 07:09

If they don't acknowledge what their son did there is no way I'd let them see your children. They could try and defend their son. Or even attempt to reconnect your children with him.

mommy2ash · 18/12/2015 07:11

I would allow them to see the children but they have to do the travelling and you are present. I think you need to separate your feelings about how they treat you. I don't necessarily think it is their job to support you after what their son did you have your family for that.

Original poster

Shouldknowbetter2015 · 18/12/2015 07:11

Thanks ladies & redcar - I'm fine thanks. I just wish they would leave me be! I'm a very 'nice' person & telling people to f* off isn't in my nature!!! HOWEVER when i think of the damage their son has done to me, my kids & my family it makes me soooooo angry that they brush everything under the carpet & don't want to deal with the fallout. Still, it's over a year since we've seen them, so should be easier than if i saw them regularly. I really appreciate your advice.

OP posts:

WeirdCatLadyIsFeelingFestive · 18/12/2015 09:19

If you wanted to, you could send them an email to say that you are happy to facilitate contact as long as it is regular and consistent. Say the run up to Christmas is already a very busy time but if they wish to start regular contact then this can be discussed in the new year. I doubt very much that they'd bother.

Personally I don't think you'd be wrong to tell them to fuck right off and that if they can't be arsed to spend time with their grandchildren through the tough times, they don't get to swan in once a year and play doting grandparents.

Well done you for rebuilding your life and I hope you all have a lovely Christmas x

tanukiton · 19/12/2015 22:27

If it has been rubbish for 4 years, just leave it they will lose interest again.

timelytess · 19/12/2015 22:41

After a year or so of no contact, they can't suddenly demand to have grandchildren for Christmas! Take no notice.

Mmmmcake123 · 19/12/2015 22:42

I would be worried that they may underhandedly allow their son to have contact, it's not unknown. He may even have asked or they could be thinking that if he had a visit it might make him think on about his behaviour.
It wouldn't be my normal advice but have you thought about just ignoring them?

PresidentUnderwood · 19/12/2015 23:19

They've got no right to see DC & your oldest doesn't want to meet them so it would be an unequivocal 'No' if it was me.

The only people you have to please if you and your kids.

DontMindMe1 · 19/12/2015 23:55

i'd ignore them. They don't actually give a shit about your dc, their request would set alarm bells ringing for me. Who's really behind their sudden interest? what is their motivation? Do they think that because 'time has gone by' you will have 'calmed down'? they have no relationship with your dc -esp the youngest - so why the sudden interest?

No way would i allow my dc - if i had any-to visit people who don't give a shit about them, especially unsupervised. They can't be trusted, your ex-dh definitely can't be trusted. They can refuse to face his actions all they like but it would be a cold day in hell before i allowed them to expose my dc to that kind of stuff. Ex-dh could have applied for access to his dc and they could have seen them on his contact time.

Another thing, right now they have no relationship with your dc. I would be wary of giving them any contact in case they use it to then apply for regular contact through the courts, on the basis that as contact has now been initiated and 'bonds created/developed' (even if it was only the one visit).

nah. ignore them completely. just like they have been doing with you and your dc all this time. if they want contact then their son can apply for contact and they can see them on those occasions.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/12/2015 00:16

I agree with DontMindMe - to want the DCs for Christmas after not bothering for so long would make me wonder what's behind it, and worry about the possibility of them being exposed to your ex. No doubt it would all be terribly innocent - "oh we didn't know he was popping in" - but it's not a risk I'd be prepared to take

Why not just tell them your/the DC's Christmas plan are already made, but insist that you'd love them to come to yours in the new year? You know they won't bother of course, but at least that way you can never be accused of preventing them from seeing the children

amarmai · 20/12/2015 02:16

I imagine your ex cd apply to the court for access, but his parents have little chance of succeeding if they did. Any response cd be used in court. I'd ignore and say nowt.

VimFuego101 · 20/12/2015 02:40

I agree with WeirdCatLady. Your kids don't need upheaval at Christmas after everything they've been through.

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