To think OH has an unrealistic expectation of parenting

[Charlespock]

OH and I got into an argument about daytime/nighttime parenting. We are expecting our first very soon and I don't think his view of parenting is realistic.

He has crazy shift patterns which vary week to week (no regular schedule, finds out a few days before what he'll be working that week). He often works nights (10-6) and mornings (6-2) but also sometimes works 2-10s which is the entire day. He said when he has got morning shifts or is working nights he will not care for the baby and will have to wear earplugs or stay at his mums whilst doing these shifts.

So if he works 3 mornings in a row I will not get a rest during the night because he has to be up early. The same with night shifts as well because he then sleeps until 4/5 in the afternoon. He does not work a taxing job (McDonalds). I know since I used to work there myself. I think this is very unfair on me whilst we have a newborn and the fact he said he will have to go stay at his mums just hurts. He also refuses to change his working availability to only day time shifts on certain days because he prefers nights and also refuses to arrange shared parental leave to make it easier.

Is there anyway I can get through to him about what parenting actually means?

I always did all the nights with babies because my DH was working and I was on maternity leave. It makes sense. Hopefully he'll be able to give you a bit of a break on his days off.

Yabu.
I think whoever is the person staying at home should do all the night stuff. The person working ooh gets a full nights sleep (well at least 6 hours straight) IMO.

Yes because staying at home with a baby on top of recovering physically is basically a holiday

Let's also remember that this bloke is electing to continue with the nights at work, presumably because it's quieter.

If you don't want your life to change completely, don't have a baby.

He is saying he is going to sleep at his mums !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am speechless

Does he want a child ?

I think I would just wait and see op.
Don't worry about it.
Some babies really are a doddle to look after (mine both were).
And some, according to mn, are really difficult.
No value in worrying till you know which type you've got.

Going to his mom is the thing that would worry me really. He knew what fatherhood means. Being there for your family at least physically. I know the argument that he is earning blah blah. But that does not mean he should not at least be in the house. As for the sleeping problems if he stays with you and baby, well, few months are crazy but it gets easier later. Besides, that's the time and those months are really when parents bond with babies as they change and develop so fast every week. I hope you two work it out.

I agree not to worry about it till baby gets here. You never know how things are going to be.

I don't think it's unreasonable of him to say that he won't be dealing with baby is he's been on a night shift or has to get up in the morning. It's a little unreasonable for him to refuse to change his shift pattern if that option is available to him.

Even if OP were to ebf straight from the tap only, if she has a section she might not actually be able to lift baby herself after 2 weeks. He may have to be up at least a little bit whether he likes it or not.

It's very hard to know what things will be like when you've had the baby.
For the whole time I bf (much longer than I expected, as it happened) I was broadly happy to do all the night wakings (including long after I had gone back to work full time) as I had the magic sleep bullet, which dh didn't - bf! If you bf,learning to do it lying down early doors is a God-send, IMHO. If you don't want to co-sleep, it's easy enough to stay slightly awake, and just bung (or gently place!) the baby in the Moses basket by your bed when it's fully asleep - at least you have been lying down resting. I also think (with no evidence apart from my own experience) that bf produces hormones which make you vastly more able to stay awake during the night than you would otherwise be.
However (and this is a big however), I agree that your partner should not be assuming he'll be free to swan off for the night to his mum's whenever he fancies - it's his baby too!

If he likes the night shift can he not request that, then takes over the baby care in the am so you can sleep and go to bed at lunchtime, after making you both lunch to eat together of course?

I think you have to wait until the baby arrives - at that point when you both see what it's actually like, you can start having realistic conversations. We've found that things change all the time, and sleep requirements for work change all the time too. I did all night stuff until I stopped breastfeeding at 8 months and was still on mat leave - he was good during the day with other stuff (mostly looking after me). At that point I'd had enough and was going back to work in 6 weeks so needed to sort out my sleep deprivation. He was slightly taken aback at the suggestion, but really stepped up... he ended up getting a new job that allowed flexi working, so I'm off on Monday, he's off on Friday, he does all nursery drop offs, I do pick ups, when sleep is bad we share the wake ups alternately (or it fits around who is off the next day). I do better on wrecked sleep, but tough luck, just because I can do without doesn't mean I should all of the time.

I don't think he imagined it like this a year ago when our baby arrived, but he loves having his day a week with her now on their own (and he takes her to proper baby 'stuff'), and it works really well for us.

I work full time and do nights as some of my shifts. I have three young children age 6 and under. DH is SAHD, it has been this way since youngest was a baby.

When I work 7pm-7.30am I will get home do school run then go to bed until 4pm having woken to breastfeed ds before his nap in the afternoon. When I get up I will spend time with the children, do reading with the eldest, change nappies, help prepare dinner etc. before I go to work again.

I work long days 7-7.30pm too and get up at 5.30am, on those days I come home and help put the children to bed. If I work an early 7-1.30pm I will do school run, Homework, maybe cook dinner, bath the children, help tidy. I still get up in the night to feed ds even if I work a long day.

He is unreasonable to expect that on his 6-2 early days that he does nothing at all, he would have had sleep the night before so could let you rest/help when he gets home. On his late days he could help in the morning. Nights are hard and very tiring, but he could still give the baby a cuddle in the morning while you get a shower or in the afternoon when he wakes so you can get things done.