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Original poster

To think OH has an unrealistic expectation of parenting

62 replies

Charlespock · 17/12/2015 15:57

OH and I got into an argument about daytime/nighttime parenting. We are expecting our first very soon and I don't think his view of parenting is realistic.

He has crazy shift patterns which vary week to week (no regular schedule, finds out a few days before what he'll be working that week). He often works nights (10-6) and mornings (6-2) but also sometimes works 2-10s which is the entire day. He said when he has got morning shifts or is working nights he will not care for the baby and will have to wear earplugs or stay at his mums whilst doing these shifts.

So if he works 3 mornings in a row I will not get a rest during the night because he has to be up early. The same with night shifts as well because he then sleeps until 4/5 in the afternoon. He does not work a taxing job (McDonalds). I know since I used to work there myself. I think this is very unfair on me whilst we have a newborn and the fact he said he will have to go stay at his mums just hurts. He also refuses to change his working availability to only day time shifts on certain days because he prefers nights and also refuses to arrange shared parental leave to make it easier.

Is there anyway I can get through to him about what parenting actually means?

OP posts:
Narp · 17/12/2015 18:40

Wilderness

She's not the only one who can feed the baby.

Duckdeamon · 17/12/2015 19:07

Doesn't bode well. Is he generally selfish, or is this a new development? Have you explained that you disagree strongly with his suggested arrangements? And that it's not OK for him to put his needs above yours and his child's?

Could he seek another job with better hours?

Jux · 17/12/2015 19:17

Say he worked standard hours, 9 to 5, home at 6, bed at 12, up at 7.

So, 6 hours available once home. An hour available before work, too. Can't he do something like that? Apply that pattern with a bit of jiggling.

He may be setting things up so you do everything because he has to work and it's the most important thing, with everything revolving round his need to rest so that he can work. I've known several men do this. They're just lazy selfish bastards. So don't let him do that.

M48294Y · 17/12/2015 19:22

Narp

How do you know she's not the only one who can feed the baby? I haven't seen a post about how they plan to feed? Or have I missed it?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 17/12/2015 19:33

The bit that is jumping out to me is him bitching saying what he plans to do, whilst also saying he won't be altering his hours because he prefers nights. That isn't unrealistic, it is, as PP put it, selfish as fuck.

You need to have a serious, serious chat with him, and also with yourself, because it looks like - whether you'll be living with him or not - you may well be doing all of this by yourself.

Narp · 17/12/2015 19:37

M4294Y

Because it's true - not everyone can or chooses to breastfeed, or she might express, or mixed-feed.

I have not seen a post about how she plans to feed, either . So it's simply inaccurate to say that she is the only one who can feed the baby.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 17/12/2015 19:39

Unless he's taking extended paternity leave, he'll presumably be back at work two weeks after the birth. Bit longer if he gets to tag some annual leave on. It's by no means certain that you'll be fully recovered enough from the birth to be physically able to do all the nights in the way he wants you to OP. I don't mean to scare you, but of my two, I was fine 50/50ing it after a couple of weeks with one, but with the other (EMCS, very tough) I simply couldn't manage it. DH had to step in. Hopefully won't be the case, but if you have a particularly bad time of it then you doing all the nights may not actually be an option.

Dontunderstand01 · 17/12/2015 19:46

I get that working shifts is hard- I really do. But he is being completely unrealistic.

Being a parent is a partnership. The first few weeks can be overwhelming, and wonderful. Communicating with each other and being honest and supportive are vital to getting through it. My and my dh had a couple huge rows in those first few months. We barely ever argue and our ds was very wanted. Lack of sleep, worry and hormones are quite a mix!

I think you need to try and have some more conversations with your oh and try to get him to see sense.

I would be

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 17/12/2015 19:47

narp, I think the point M42 was making was that your response that 'she isn't' the only one who can feed the baby' makes as many assumptions as Wilderness saying only she can feed the baby.

If she makes certain feeding choices, she may be the only one who can feed the baby.

If she makes others, she won't be.

We can't make a factual statement either way in the absence of information.

Dontunderstand01 · 17/12/2015 19:47

Sorry, I meant to add, I would be trying to talk to him first, but ultimately he may need telling!

Narp · 17/12/2015 19:54

Libraries

OK

The point I am making is that there's one scenario which would lead to only her being able to feed the baby, that is true. There are several that would lead to it being not true.

Anyway, I suspect this is boring everyone.

M48294Y · 17/12/2015 20:01

Yes, exactly Libraries.

If you don't want to bore everyone, Narp, then don't make inaccurate statements that some pedant like me will want to clarify.

JapaneseSlipper · 17/12/2015 20:04

generalisation alert men sometimes fail to think things through to their logical conclusion - in this case, he may be thinking "I can't cope with that" without making the further leap that "if I don't, Charlespock will have to".

Point out that you will be unable to manage on your own as he suggests, and ask what he plans to do about that. Hire a nanny, perhaps?

Seriously, ask him what his plan is. Idiot.

Moomintroll85 · 17/12/2015 20:10

He works night shifts, he needs a certain amount of rest, appreciated, but looking after a newborn day in day out is hard work too! You will have to compromise and help each other out, sleep deprivation can be horrendous. Nap when the baby naps ha! Love that one Grin

You don't know what your recovery from giving birth will be like either, you could end up needing a fair amount of help (I did).

He can't just wear earplugs and expect his life not to change at all. The comment about going to his mum's is completely ridiculous and if he were to actually do that it would be extremely selfish.

I hope once the baby is here he'll realise that it requires a bit more teamwork than he's currently suggesting.

attheendoftheday · 17/12/2015 20:10

Well, he sounds like a selfish arse, but I suppose he might just be hugely naive.

Surely all you can say is "We'll see how the baby sleeps and then divide what rest there is as fairly as possible between us".

Definitely raise this now, though. It's a really working attitude, and not how decent dads behave IMO.

DixieNormas · 17/12/2015 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

attheendoftheday · 17/12/2015 20:13

Worrying attitude, that should have said.

Skullyton · 17/12/2015 20:15

i haven't read anyone elses, but my DH used to work rotating shifts. He word 6-2 for a week, then 10-6 the next week and 2-10.

The shift rotation near enough killed him.

That being said, he NEVER shirked on helping with the kids when they were babies.

If he worked 6-2 he would let me go back to bed between 4-6 and then wake me up with dinner!

If he worked 10-6 he would immediately take over from 6.30am and get me up when he needed to come to bed, so usually about 9ish, with a cup of tea!

On the 2-10 shift he would again, take over for a couple of hours once he woke up, so 11-1.

The only thing i insisted was that i did the nights because he did a dangerous physically demanding job and he NEEDED as much sleep as possible.

vichill · 17/12/2015 20:17

I too have done all night duties for my two when babies. There's a lot of variables here that need to be known to form an opinion. E.g If breastfeeding and co sleeping I can't see what help dh could offer at night.

Narp · 17/12/2015 20:19

M48etc

Okey doke

slightlyglitterpaned · 17/12/2015 20:35

vichill I breastfed and co-slept - DP did night time nappy changes, which let me get back to sleep a bit earlier.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 17/12/2015 20:39

Someone needs to kick your OH up the arse. And if I was his mother and he told me he was going to be sleeping at mine while his DP was home with a newborn, I can guarantee you that someone would be ME!!

slightlyglitterpaned · 17/12/2015 20:45

Have talked about the early baby stage with a few blokes now who were quite misty eyed about doing the late night feed for their babies so that their wives could get an uninterrupted stretch of sleep. They saw it as a lovely time to bond with their tiny new babies, and a privilege, not some kind of imposition.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2015 21:10

When I had DS my DH was brilliant. I was BF'ing but every time DS was up (2-3 hourly) my DH would get up too and do nappy changes. When DS was cluster feeding from about 11pm until 1-2am my DH would sit up with me and tell me we were in it together.

According to MN I think I'm quite a bad mom though as when I returned to work (also doing shifts) when DS was 11 months old, if I worked two days in a row I would sleep at my mom's house the night between them so I could have some good sleep Grin

DS is 21 months now (is usually up a minimum of once a night) and I still spend at least one night a week at my mom's if I work two days in a row Smile

Domino777 · 17/12/2015 21:14

I can see he will need to sleep for 8 hours after a night shift. However the morning shift is day time and doesn't require him to sleep elsewhere.

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