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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not allowed stbex to take the dc to school today?

51 replies

thinkingmakesitso · 17/12/2015 11:39

He still comes to mine when I go to work on a Monday and Tuesday as well as picking them up and bringing them back there on those days as well. He did this every day for a year after moving out, but I have now made my own arrangements for Weds, Thurs am and Fri to cut down on the amount of time he has to spend on my house (has nowhere suitable to take them) and to ensure he is not seen as primary carer for divorce- he was sahp before we split.

This morning he turned up as we were about to leave for CM, claiming he had forgotten. I think he meant it as he does forget stuff and he was really irritable - as if annoyed with himself. I told him to leave, he said to just text the CM but I was not prepared to do that - not fair on her or the dc to disrupt the routine.

Cue ds1 crying that he is so tired and doesn't want to rush out to the CM's. Ex told me it was my fault and it's not fair on the dc, and then he left. Ds continued to cry and I had to let the CM know and drop him off upset.

It was awful. Although they were basically fine before ex turned up, both dc had already been moaning about having to leave the house earlier on my days than ex's, with ds2 telling me he doesn't like me for this reason.

I feel shit now, and am questioning whether I did the right thing. Not only that, I am scared ex will use this in the divorce proceedings and claim they would be better off with him - though I know he doesn't want them full time, but I do think he will use it against me to upset me. I know I need to stop him coming to the house, but I am waiting for mediation in the NY to discuss it - it was bad enough last time I changed the arrangements and I don't want to do it on my own again.

I am dreading going home tonight as he will be there and considering staying in work late and not taking ds2 to ballet (the reason we both need to be around tonight ideally) . But that will also make me feel guilty, despite ds already saying he doesn't want to go this week anyway. Also dreading Christmas as ex will spend the day with us.

Anyway, WIBU not to let him take them?

OP posts:
Whendoigetadayoff · 17/12/2015 12:48

Sounds rotten. Hard seeing that with kids - my two moan about breakfast club all time but that's with both me and ex.
Don't give in. I was in similar situation and realised after year of similar he was going to keep my house as place to see kids unless I took action so told him he had to go buy or rent house or he wasn't going to see them so much. It took few months but he did it and it's so much better. All happy now and we spend Christmas and birthdays together as family and see kids in each other houses and we are each other's babysitters!
Only thing is if your ex is still paying mortgage? I felt I couldn't say anything until I'd taken over house and started paying mortgage and it was truly my house.
Either way it's rotten for all of you. Especially as you seem to have split due to infidelity and that must be tough seeing him around as normal. I was lucky no other people involved. I think you are being reasonable putting down parameters and letting him have half time and on days which are not his then you make alternate arrangements.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 17/12/2015 12:51

I get that people don't know the full story and I haven't given a huge amount of detail (on this thread) but I did say in the OP that he doesn't want them full time. So why are so many people questioning why he moved out and why I don't want him to be seen as the primary carer?

The thing that scares me is that he may, purely to get at me, play along with wanting them more and that it may actually work and he will not want to lose face by backing down and then, well I don't know, but I am scared of him messing me/them around like this .

I asked him on Tuesday when he wants them over the Christmas holiday, and he only wants 2 days one week and 3 the other because he is working (online marking, done from home.) I obviously fit my (inflexible - I'm a teacher) work around the dc, but he can't do that, despite it being the most flexible work ever that can be done any time of the day or night, and with dc around.

He doesn't want them, but I'm scared of him continuing to mess us around.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 17/12/2015 12:52

Sorry! Massive xpost with OP on my previous post. When posted i hadnt seen about the infidelity, his choice to leave the house and that he doesnt want the DC full time.

Although if he doesnt want them full time surely there is no need for you to stack the deck in your favour in that regard? Surely he wont be asking for them so you have no need to prove you have them more?

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 12:54

He will continue to mess you around and that's why you're absolutely right to create firm boundaries and stick to them.

RudeElf · 17/12/2015 12:54

And another xpost.

So he is threatening to say he wants them full time when it comes to court? Even though he has said he really doesnt?

Philoslothy · 17/12/2015 12:56

Add message | Report | Message poster Twinklestein Thu 17-Dec-15 12:46:07
Did your DH cheat on his ex? Philoslothy

They were both at fault, she cheated on him after he neglected their relationship.

Philoslothy · 17/12/2015 12:58

If he does not want them full time but is pretending to he is a twat of the highest order and can see why you are acting in a way that looks unreasonable to an outsider. I hope everything works out for you.

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 17/12/2015 12:59

Um, before you all start piling in having a go at him for not sorting out a house, he has one. The house the OP lives in is legally his. I think it's a bit much to criticism someone for their housing situation when that situation is a result of them not exercising their rights for the sake of their children.

OP, I thought you had a point when it was at the stage that he was coming around every weekend. But stopping him dropping them at school, when you won't even be in the house with him for more than a few minutes - and he owns the house, and packing them off to a childminder, is just plain mean. No wonder your kids are upset, they know they're being sent off to childcare when they could be with their Dad because they're in the middle of a power struggle.

Please don't carry on doing this, ultimately the people it will hurt most is your children. I know his affair was awful, but being this angry is going to destroy you and hurt your children.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 12:59

In general, amicable splits are hard where there's been infidelity.

So I don't think your husband's example is representative.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 13:01

It's the family house. That's why the family stayed in it.

Philoslothy · 17/12/2015 13:06

It is a difficult scenario, usually the children stay in the family home with their primary carer, it would appear this was actually the ex - although it now appears that he does not want to be the primary carer. The family home is for the children, not necessarily the mother. I am not saying that the OP should move out, this does see, to be particularly difficult situation.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/12/2015 13:09

So what are you saying booyaka, the ex should be in and out the house as much as he fancies and not having anywhere suitable to live (after a year!) is her fault?

RudeElf · 17/12/2015 13:12

He chose to leave, he doesnt want to be primary carer, he is working so he can get himself somewhere to live. I would insist on this. However, if he is reliable at turning up for DC, collecting them from school and doing homeworks, after school activities etc then i would let him do that and get rid of the childminder. But only if he is dependable an wont let you down all the time an only if he has his own place so he doesnt need to be in your home.

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 17/12/2015 13:12

He legally owns it, and had a pretty solid case he was the primary carer and could probably have stayed there with the children pretty easily if he'd tried. He didn't. I don't think being there for a little while in the morning when the OP is not there is too much to ask, not for his sake, but for the sake of the children seeing their Dad and not feeling like they're being stopped from seeing their Dad and packed off to a childminder because their Mum and Dad can't get on.

No, it's not easy to have an amicable split when there was unfaithfulness, but the split was 18 months ago, and there are still high levels of anger you would expect straight after a split. It can't be healthy for kids to live with this.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/12/2015 13:17

She owns it too- and it's not unreasonable to expect a parent to find accommodation in 18 months.

When people make a mistake with arrangements - as happened here- and happens a lot - the amicable parent will apologise and back off.

Iggi999 · 17/12/2015 13:24

He sounds very manipulative, though I am basing this on more info than is in this thread alone.
I am not sure that doing before and after school care makes you the primary carer, tbh, there is a lot more to looking after children than that. Did he do their homework, arrange all medical appointments, know when they needed shoes etc etc? Perhaps he did. He seems to be behaving like someone who wants to reconcile, in terms of hanging around the OP, or of someone not wanting the OP to have the chance to move on.
I don't think I've read any reason why he doesn't have a suitable place to take them?

NA200712 · 17/12/2015 13:31

He sounds awful!

I don't think he would have a chance of getting full custody. You would have to have done some pretty terrible things for a court to take kids away from their mother.

If I was you I would start communicating to him via text/email, that way everything he says regarding the kids and how often he wants to see them etc. is logged and its not his word against yours you will have proof in black and white!!

You really need to make alternate arrangements for him seeing them, he cant be coming into your home whenever he feels like it, you've split up and he chose to leave. This must be so confusing for your kids.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 13:46

He legally owns it

And so does she! And if you read the OP he doesn't want the children FT.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 13:50

Agree with NA that he can't be pitching up whenever he fancies.

And I think Christmas Day with him is way beyond the call of duty.

WMittens · 17/12/2015 14:01

if he was sahp, why should he not have the dc fifty fifty?

If he was SAHD, why should he not have prime custody? Is that not what happens when a mother was primary carer?

Helmetbymidnight
What kind of father can't sort himself out a home for his dc after one year?

A fabulous one!! (Not)

Maybe one who's not working so that every day for a year he can look after his kids? Where's his income to pay rent and bills?

WMittens · 17/12/2015 14:03

Twinklestein
And so does she! And if you read the OP he doesn't want the children FT.

No, the OP states that she "knows" her ex does want them full time, but she doesn't state that he has said that. We only have one piece of uncorroborated information.

KakiFruit · 17/12/2015 14:06

Maybe this has been answered and I missed it, but where does he live? Why can't the kids go there?

Gileswithachainsaw · 17/12/2015 14:08

I don't think.yabu actually.

he needs to sort himself out. you shouldn't have to house him.on his days to have the kids ffs

good childcare cab he hard to find. yku don't wanna go pissing the CM about if he "forgets"

and you don't want to have to rearrange everything at shirt notice should he find a job/different job/shift work etc

NA200712 · 17/12/2015 14:12

How can he have his children full time if he doesn't even have a stable home for them to live?

thinkingmakesitso is doing what all mums do, she's split from her partner and now has to continue with life, she's a working mum, why should she hand her kids over just because she's at work all day? That's what happens in the real world. Her kids are 6 and 8 so must be at school all day! So when he was being a "stay at home dad" all he was actually doing is getting the kids to school and picking them up, which is what she's doing now!

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 14:13

WMittens

The whole thread is uncorroborated if it comes to it. If you want to rewrite the OP why not start your own thread?

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