AIBU to do nothing about this BULLYING incident?

[RoastedParsnip]

dd is nearly 14.
yesterday at school a boy told a group of very intimidating, notorious girls that dd had been 'bitching' about them. dd is terrified of these girls. they spend most of their time in detention and are into all sorts of risky behaviours. they parade round the school in a pack, giving everyone filthy looks. anyway, you get the picture- every comp has a group like this, i imagine.

anyway, one of the girls cornered dd in the toilets and slammed the door in her face. dd calmly denied the accusation and walked away.

at lunch, the whole group pursued dd and she was surrounded by many, many onlookers in what sounded like a lynch mob. the language and level of intimidation sound horrendous. somehow dd remained calm and composed and stated her innocence in a civil, articulate manner. then said she was walking away. eventually, a few people in the crowd who had been with dd in class when the supposed bitching occurred came forward and said it was untrue. it sounds like the tide turned on the nasty girls and gradually they realised that they have have been misinformed. unlikely as it sounds, dd then got a grudging apology.

for the rest of the day people were coming up to dd, some older who she doesn't even know, congratulating her on her handling of the situation.

dd seemed weirdly calm reporting this to me, as was buoyed up by the support she got.

this morning we were discussing it in front of dh, who was at that point not aware of the events of yesterday. dd had a real melt down, sobbing her heart out at the thought of dh reporting it to the school. we had to promise we would do nothing without talking to dd first, and agreed to treat this as a one off, as there was a 'good' outcome for dd.

AIBU or foolish to not report this to the school and respond to any future incidents/ fall out as it occurs? is is ever the right thing not to act with bullying like this? dd seems terrified and i don't blame her. i would be scared of these girls too.

finally, a related question...how 'normal' do you think this is for a secondary? should i questioning the culture at school where this can happen? (we are new around here and questioning school choice)

I appreciate this does not solve the problem of bullying but at both my daughters’ secondary schools (one private, one huge comp) large groups of kids are not allowed precisely because they can appear (or actually be) mob-like and intimidating. Groups of more than 5 or 6 are broken up whenever they are seen. I was really surprised when I first heard this and thought it sounded rather draconian (freedom of association and all!) but I’ve come to see it as a very good thing.

If you did want to talk to school, perhaps your conversation could focus on how intimidating large groups of students can be and if the school has any ways of tackling the impact this can have on other students, rather than the particular incident involving your DD. I do however appreciate that a group of six can still be very intimidating!

toomany, i asked dd if there was no one on duty. she said that there was but she was in an out of bounds area as she was trying to hide after the toilet incident. interesting about your dc's school.

I would see how it develops (if at all) before deciding whether to report, I agree that having DD's trust is more important at this stage. Hopefully the impressive way she dealt with it will mean the bullies will leave her alone in future but she needs to feel she can tell you if anything else happens. There's no reason you can't still report it in a day or two or even next week if necessary and I would have thought if the bullies we're going to make another move it will be soon. Make a note of the date and details as pp suggested just in case and keep a close eye on DD for signs things aren't as rosy as she's painting them, any worries then and you have a ready made case to put to the school. I hate bullying with a passion but there's no point making your DD a target by reporting something she dealt with effectively, time will tell whether her approach has worked as well as it appeared to.

This thread is from 2015. The OP's daughter would be an adult now.

What is it with the 10 year old thread’s being resurrected the past few days?! 🤔

Given that the DD will now be about 23, I doubt this dilemma is still an issue.