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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do nothing about this BULLYING incident?

58 replies

RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 11:31

dd is nearly 14.
yesterday at school a boy told a group of very intimidating, notorious girls that dd had been 'bitching' about them. dd is terrified of these girls. they spend most of their time in detention and are into all sorts of risky behaviours. they parade round the school in a pack, giving everyone filthy looks. anyway, you get the picture- every comp has a group like this, i imagine.

anyway, one of the girls cornered dd in the toilets and slammed the door in her face. dd calmly denied the accusation and walked away.

at lunch, the whole group pursued dd and she was surrounded by many, many onlookers in what sounded like a lynch mob. the language and level of intimidation sound horrendous. somehow dd remained calm and composed and stated her innocence in a civil, articulate manner. then said she was walking away. eventually, a few people in the crowd who had been with dd in class when the supposed bitching occurred came forward and said it was untrue. it sounds like the tide turned on the nasty girls and gradually they realised that they have have been misinformed. unlikely as it sounds, dd then got a grudging apology.

for the rest of the day people were coming up to dd, some older who she doesn't even know, congratulating her on her handling of the situation.

dd seemed weirdly calm reporting this to me, as was buoyed up by the support she got.

this morning we were discussing it in front of dh, who was at that point not aware of the events of yesterday. dd had a real melt down, sobbing her heart out at the thought of dh reporting it to the school. we had to promise we would do nothing without talking to dd first, and agreed to treat this as a one off, as there was a 'good' outcome for dd.

AIBU or foolish to not report this to the school and respond to any future incidents/ fall out as it occurs? is is ever the right thing not to act with bullying like this? dd seems terrified and i don't blame her. i would be scared of these girls too.

finally, a related question...how 'normal' do you think this is for a secondary? should i questioning the culture at school where this can happen? (we are new around here and questioning school choice)

OP posts:
Anotherusername1 · 17/12/2015 12:20

I think the key point in this story is this:

a few people in the crowd who had been with dd in class when the supposed bitching occurred came forward and said it was untrue.

If they had not, if they'd just gone along with the bullying, there would have been a much bigger problem.

I would make sure you have logged the incident personally, and watch out for future incidents. If you have promised your daughter you won't tell the school, (a) you can break your promise, (b) not tell, or (c) try to persuade her that it's a good idea to tell them after all. I'd go with (b) but keep an eye on things.

badtime · 17/12/2015 12:21

I just mean that I was bullied a lot at school, so I recognise it immediately, and have an absolute zero tolerance approach when I see the first probings (e.g. comments that could be taken more that one way where someone is 'only joking' or it's 'just banter' Hmm ).
The bully moves on, and looks for someone else, or possibly has a long hard look at themselves. Hopefully, the girl who apologised to your daughter will do the latter.

IndridCold · 17/12/2015 12:24

No, you should not break your promise to your DD.

However, I would keep a record of the events, and if there is a repetition of events you will have all relevant information to hand. It wouldn't surprise me if your DDs cool-headed reaction means that there will be no need. It's interesting how often bullies will back down when people stand up to them, so fingers crossed.

Well done your DD!

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:24

yes, auntie, i didn't mean to minimise low level stuff, what i meant was that i felt a one off incident could still be a bullying incident, because of the intimidation. i was just querying how sustained it had to be.

dd is furious with this boy. and rightly so. but he will get off scot free. what more can we do? she says she will deal with him in her own way. as i say, she can be feisty but these girls are just on a whole different level!

OP posts:
Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:29

badtime, i remember another poster saying that in adulthood they too had developed a way to squash that kind of behaviour and were able to reverse how people used to interact with them.

my dd is not an obvious target for a bully. i think they saw her as a possible threat/ fair game as she is vivacious, bright, pretty. almost testing her in some way. plus she is 'new'. she is not a wall flower type. she is kind, very mature but has a big personality.

indrid, another...more good advise, thanks.

OP posts:
Unreasonablebetty · 17/12/2015 12:34

I've not read the whole thread so this may have been said a few times over, just keep a written note of what happened, the date etc. don't take it any further at the moment though, because it sounds like your DD held her own wonderfully.
Now she's stood up to them and told them her side, they believe her and this boys proved himself to be a shit stirrer, they aren't going to see her as a target and it's quite unlikely that she will have any problems again, but keep the details of the first time, just in case it does happen you have some kind of documentation to show that this isnt a one off.
Having exact dates and details is much better than vague details.

Katastrophe13 · 17/12/2015 12:37

Bullying and intimidation like this was rife at my school, but it was notoriously bad, so not sure if that is normal.
Your daughter handled the situation brilliantly. She has stood up for herself and they have backed down. I very much doubt this will happen again, now that she has made a stand. if I were you, I would leave it now and see if anything else happens and then contact the school. Were you to contact them and they took action, your DD would then be a grass and this would much more likely cause her problems. You could contact the school and ask them to just keep an eye, but take no action, but only if your DD is happy with this, as it already sounds like she is really stressed. it's hard to not do anything and it feels wrong, but sadly I think doing nothing in this case is in her best interests. On a positive note, she has learnt early on the best way to defend herself and i hope she takes this lesson through life with her because she is sure to grow into a confident young woman :)

Katastrophe13 · 17/12/2015 12:38

I cross posted with Betty, but that sounds like very good advice.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:41

betty, Kat. thanks. excellent advice. i think i just needed reassurance that we weren't giving in to the bullies, somehow. i feel more confident in the stance we have taken.

OP posts:
KitZacJak · 17/12/2015 12:42

Sounds like she dealt with it well. I doubt the bullies will bother her again as they would rather bother people that don't stand up for themselves.

However, I think you should report the incident to the school so they have their eyes on these girls for future bullying (not just of your daughter but of others) but say you don't want your daughters name brought up.

Enjolrass · 17/12/2015 12:43

I am on the fence.

Dd suffered bullying for years. At first we wrote it off as small incidents and didn't report it.

When we did report it all previous incidents weren't dealt with as far as the school was concerned they never happened.

Even when we started reporting them they tried to pretend they weren't aware of previous incidents.

It wasn't until they realised we had records of everything that they actually did something.

If I were you I would be telling school but making it clear it's only so they know, that you don't want anything doing. So it's reported.

Because if it does happen again the school the school will treat this as the first incident.

The problem is that you promised not too. Which is why I am on fence.

It may be best that you leave it.

As long as you know she is telling the truth and not covering up and making it seem like she handled it well, leave it.

diddl · 17/12/2015 12:46

"diddl, do you mean tell or not tell? bit confused"

Me too, my post doesn't make sense, does it?Blush

I think that the school should be told so that there is a record of it tbh.

Tbh it escalated pretty much just on the one day.

Cornered by one girl in the morning & then surrounded by a group at lunchtime?

What if they had decided not to believe her or the girls sticking up for her?

She's going to be treading on eggshells incase she says the wrong thing to the wrong person or looks at someone the wrong way.

You say that she is already terrified of them as it is-before they had done anything.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:51

kitz i totally agree. i would love to see these girls get their come tuppence and to try to protect others. i just can't do it right now.

enjolrass, my dd seemed almost on a high telling me about it, which was odd and unexpected but unlikely to be covering up for what actually happened. i think it was the adrenaline or something! although i accept it may have caused her upset reflecting on it today. what i mean is, i think she is telling me an accurate version of events, but perhaps not being honest about how much it upset her.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 12:53

x post. didl, i agree there are a lot of what ifs. but I'm also I'm thinking that just maybe the most frightening thing has already happened and that this might make the girls less mysterious/ intimidating in a weird way. i mean, she has faced a fear, hasn't she?

OP posts:
Moonax · 17/12/2015 12:55

I think I'd want to report it as these girls may well be using the same tactics on other students. Would your dd be prepared to accept you reporting the incident in the interests of preventing the same thing happening to someone else less able to deal with is?

DelphiBlue · 17/12/2015 12:55

Agree that you should follow DD's lead on this one, provided it remains an isolated incident. Your DD sounds like a fantastic girl you must be so proud Smile

Moonax · 17/12/2015 12:56

Just to add, your dd sounds amazing. She showed a phenomenal amount of maturity in that situation.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 17/12/2015 13:01

Your dd sounds great! I wouldn't tell the school - I think that it's more important that she trusts you than that they're informed as a one off. As she trusts you, if anything happens again I'd imagine she'll tell you straightaway; and in that case I think you have to go straight to the school.

I'd also record it; stick it in an email to your husband or something that you can forward to the school if anything escalates. Just in case.

wasonthelist · 17/12/2015 13:07

Op wish I'd had your DDs approach.

One poster above referred to "these days" but I find it profoundly depressing that the same stuff used to happen when I was at school 40 years ago. With that said, I moved house and changed schools at the time (1970s) and amazingly - no bullies and mob rule. My first secondary school was a milder version of how I imagine prison would be - the hard kids ran the school and the teachers weren't too worried and certainly didn't like having to deal with bullying.

NicoleWatterson · 17/12/2015 13:12

It's done it's over, it's handled. Don't report it, it will bring the situation back up and make it into an issue /excuse to have another go.

I had a near identical experience, I also calmly explained i hadn't said anything. How the fuck I did when I'm a mouse that hates confrontation I still don't know. But for the next few years we ignored each other and all was 'fine'.

Original poster
RoastedParsnip · 17/12/2015 13:26

ah, thanks everyone. a universally helpful and supportive AIBU thread. this must be a first! I'm so grateful for all the advice which has given me some much needed perspective.

wasonthelist, its so sad, isn't it? my dd has moved from a small school and I'm starting to really regret the move.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 17/12/2015 13:34

In your shoes I would respect dd's wishes, this time and not report.

Another factor is, if she cannot trust you to follow her lead, then she may not tell you next time.

The girls sounds awful and if it happens again I would report but I would not promise to not report if I felt there was a chance I may wish to report it.

My dd goes up to secondary school this coming academic year so no idea if this normal. But whether it is not it should not be considered normal and this sort of shit should be dealt with in school. If she is relevantly new and you are not happy and there is another option I would consider it, and would make sure if I took dd out that I told them why. I can't believe the school are oblivious to this and if they are not and do nothing they deserve to lose all their pupils except a bunch of bitchy girls and one bitchy boy!

Ilisten2thesoundofdrums · 17/12/2015 13:51

I hate that whole "Just banter" thing.
Watch this

and see if it changes your mind.

Jux · 17/12/2015 13:51

You've made a promise to your daughter. You can't break it.

I suspect she will be left alone now but the situation changes if they do anything again, at which point you can renegotiate.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 17/12/2015 15:02

as others have said, make a note of exactly what happened, including names, dates and what was said, if your daughter will tell you.

Then sit on it, but if other incidents occur you will have a firm record of this and of who was involved and how your daughter reacted and your promise to her.

And bravo to her!