Being treated unfairly by accomodation staff.

[mamapoppins23]

I wasn't sure where to put this, but I would really like some advise on my current situation. I'm very tempted to put in a letter of complaint to the organisation that runs my supported accommodation about the staff. To explain my situation further, here we go. Last year I suffered a nervous breakdown, due to family problems and poor mental health. My breakdown resulted in a house fire, and I was housed suitably in supported accommodation. Gradually with time, I started to get a lot better and more confident and have come on milestones in terms of recovery.

Staff at first needed to encourage me to just get out of bed and leave the property, but now I feel like they are being pedantic and petty. It is a shared house, however I don't feel like I'm being treated fairly by my 'carers' (said in inverted commas for sarcasm).
Fast forward to now, I still live in the property, but have moved on considerably. Although I am not working, I am in full-time education studying for a foundation degree, and volunteering on a weekly basis at a local woman's refuge. As well as this, I am very happily in a stable relationship, have gained many new friends in the last year, and 10 weeks pregnant. I still suffer sometimes with anxiety but I deal much better now.

Staff have recognised this, and I doubt very much I would be where I am now without their initial support, but they are getting ridiculous.
They know how horribly busy I am, (you know having a life) and are picking at me for the pettiest of things.
Most recent example, my support worker this morning drove me to tears
"I could of throttled you on Saturday because I had to deal with your laundry"
Saturday, she instructed me to sort out my washing (I am 23 not a child), did so, knowing that I was leaving to visit my boyfriend on the weekend. Because I left the laundry in the tumble dryer or washing machine, apparently she had to sort it out. I've lived communally before, and usually the next person just takes it out. I thought it was just common sense.

Guaranteed, completely unprofessional and am very confused about how that comes under supporting me. I usually like this worker, so I was very upset about what she said to me this morning. I understand I share this accommodation, but they pick on me for the littlest of things, and can be very intrusive. I've been late for my lectures because they've asked me to wash dishes, when they know I have to leave in five minutes.

I do understand how to do chores, and how to not live like a pig, but they expect unreasonable standards constantly.
I generally keep quite well on top of my room, and it's gotten to the point now where I just stay in my room in the week and avoid going home. I have no privacy.

Other clear examples were just blatantly treating me like a child. I was cooking a meal for me and friend, staff were leaving. As I was dishing out the food for me and my friend, very very partronisingly said to me a member of staff piped up:
"And you're going to wash all the dishes up like a GOOD GIRL now, aren't you H?" My friend struggled not to say something to this woman.

I can think of a hundred of other examples.

Before I got pregnant, when they found out I was in a relationship, they immediately started asking if we were using contraception. They even wrote down in their house diary of when my period was due and invited themselves to my doctors appointments. I found this really uncomfortable and inappropriate.

I know I'm fairly early in my pregnancy, and my hormones are not helping. It's stressing me out where I'm living, and despite the staff tell me I'm ready to move on, are doing next to nothing to speed up the process. The worst bit is when they comment on how hard it's going to be to have a baby. Like no shit, Sherlock. As if I wasn't aware of how hard it was going to be. It's a learning curve for anyone.

Apparently I'm eligible for a council house, but they only get serious after I'm about 20 weeks, and usually it takes longer than that. My partner and I are looking at houses privately, but they're so much more expensive, especially when we're both in work.

AIBU to write a complaint letter about the staff? And if I'm not, am unsure how to go about it.

Thanks for reading,
H

I think this may be real. The OP has posted other threads that are consistent with her post.

I think yabu to complain, they are only doing their job.

You should think really carefully before you are leaving though, are you quite sure you no longer need the support? Maybe staff aren't doing anything to speed up your moving out because they a a bit tentative about it, you seem a bit angry about them, I'm sure that would raise an alarm. They are there to make sure you and baby are safe and well.

I don't think you are unreasonable OP. I lived in 8 shared flats/houses over 10 years, partially at uni, then with friends then with random young professionals who became friends when I moved to London.

Someone leaving dishes in the sink or forgetting washing in the machine sounds like a perfectly normal part of flat sharing to me. Not ideal but definitely not something to get upset about. I would put the dishes to one side and pop the laundry on a chair so I could use the machine. Job done.

If you have a busy life and are coping, and are now resenting the intrusion, I would start looking to move out on your own. Good luck with the baby!

YABU.

It's commonsense to sort out your own laundry and not assume the next person will do it.

Same with dishes. Do them before leaving the house for the day.

Someone pointing this out to you is not treating you unfairly: in fact, the only persons that are being treated unfairly are those who have to face your mess. No brainer, this one.

The Op can't move out As she isn't deemed capable of living unsupported.
Does rather beg the question as to how in earth she will manage with a baby it's rather a depressing situation no doubt the staff are worried about the op, her situation in having a child in these circumstances with a short term partner and her ability to care for herself and a child given all her issues and the setting fire to her home previously. So the tumble dryer etc doesn't seem to be the key issue here!

She can't move out? Can somebody be forced to live in supported accommodation?

It sounds like the type of clashes that occur in any household where a child (in OP's case, dependant) is ready to leave home but doesn't have the opportunity yet. The staff are the 'mum', wanting her to behave in the way they think is best for the 'family' as a whole.

OP, bite your tongue and keep on top of your chores... it will be over soon, I assume!

It doesn't sound like OP can't move out at all. In fact she's actively looking to move out.

She hasn't been back didn't like the answers so I doubt she will clarify.

Is this the same OP as the thread deleted earlier? Very similar

If you were my flat mate and you left your laundry in the machine for me to empty before I could do mine, I'd say I wanted to throttle you too. If the point of the unit is to act 'normally' with people, then I'd say it's normal to use that expression.
It's certain perfectly reasonable to expect you to be more considerate in shared accommodation.

I'd be worried about you (as a support worker) even without your MH background getting pregnant in a short term relationship (no matter how stable) part way through uni, to a boyfriend that doesn't work, without you're own home.

As for being told babies are hard... I'm sure if you're on the pregnancy board you'll hear everyone saying they get told this little gem. It's just what people say.

i,m an Rmn So worked in various mental health settings is this a rehab type place i say type as they closed many down in the the trust i used to work for but still had the privatley run ones and are you obliged to be there if yes then you will have to abide by certain rules.

I think the support staff are just really worried about you. A breakdown leading to a house fire and now you will have a baby whilst being unsupported (and a boyfriend without a job who lives far away is not adequate support). Let them help and stick to their rules.

If OP is subject to a MH community treatment order (CTO) and that is possible given her 'breakdown resulted in a fire' then where she resides could be part of that agreement.

If she decided to leave however, then it's a complicated process of potentially recalling her to hospital but only if she meets certain criteria and there are procedural hoops for MH teams to jump through.

So essentially, no she can't be 'forced' to stay there so could leave. Even people under criminal justice probation orders can't be 'forced' to reside somewhere but they run the risk of being recalled to prison if they break the terms of their probation.

You have done very well so congratulations and keep the momentum going but on this issue YABU. It is not unreasonable to ask someone to wash their things after they use them and look after their washing etc. They are trying to teach you that you cannot expect others to pick up after you.

Good luck.

In this day and age people don't reside in long term supported mental health accommodation without a significant need. The OP is possibly subject to some legal requirements of the mental health act which she is choosing not to share. As soon as there are no concerns there will undoubtedly be moves to help her live independently, there will be lots of people needing her space.

I don't think you are being untreated fairly. You are in shared living quarters and it is supported living. Even in shared accommodation, leaving laundry in the machine is poor etiquette. People aren't given supported living accommodation lightly, so I assume your needs were that you needed this. Perhaps you need to sit down with a manager or social worker, if you have one, and outline a new care and support plan.

I work in a similar setting. There will be house meetings/reviews/ manager meetings regularly. In your shoes I'd write a list of your concerns and air them in a formal non emotional way at a meeting with the manager. Don't aim just to complain, aim to improve communication. Explain you feel patronised by staff at times and explain how you would prefer to be talked to. Give examples. Also raise the GP appointment, although there might be sone kind of duty of care that had to be fulfilled. In regards to communal areas, you need to aim for considerately tidy/clean. Your room however is your personal space and how you keep it is your choice. Do bear in mind though that self care and house care can be linked into state of mind. Staff will be encouraging you to get into a good routine

I'm guessing it's the job of your support workers to ensure that you are able to function in day to day life and take good care of yourself - and that includes laundry and washing dishes and attending medical appointments. I can imagine they were very concerned at the prospect of an unplanned pregnancy (I'm guessing you didn't plan to get pregnant whilst living in supported accommodation for people with MH problems) and so your pregnancy has created some additional concerns for you in terms of how you're going to cope during the pregnancy and care for the baby.

You've obviously been there for a long time and that must grind you down, but as dottycat mentioned, you wouldn't still be there unless you were seen to have a real need to remain there.

You're young still, and it does seem like to lack insight a little, when it comes to your situation. I don't think they're being unprofessional, but the nature of their job means its going to sound like they're nagging you when, in fact, it's not cool to leave your washing and dishes around, and they must have concerns about how you'll cope with a demanding baby as well as all the boring household stuff.

I feel pregnant when under a lot a stress. So it was a big shock when we found out that we was expecting. Myself and my partner have been together for almost 2 years now and I'm 7months pregnant. He wanted me to have a abortion but I could not bring myself to do physically or mentally so I made the decision that was right for me. He has been a little supportive but TBH not a lot, he has said he didn't want this baby and I'm concerned that he will not love her the way I will. We both have children with ex partner but he dose not see his childern not by his own choice. He has not been affectionate towards me or the little girl growning inside me and we don't see each other very often once or twice a week and on his day off work he would rather be else where then spend time with me. I have the feeling when our daughter is born I will be doing it alone or am I over thinking it ???

You’ve stated you’re not working so how do you intend to look after your child?

Eligible for a council house but you and your partner are looking for a house, however it’s expensive?

Cool.

I'm guessing the child is over 3 years old now so I'm sure she knows how she's going to look after the child.

Why are so many old threads popping up tonight?!

@MamaChels you would be best starting a new post. this thread is 4 years old and chances are nobody is going to spot your issue tagged onto it.

Treated you like a child because they asked if you were using contraception?
And now you have an unplanned pregnancy and from what you have written, few resources to support a child.
Have you considered that the staff don't treat you as an adult because you do not behave in a particularly adult way?