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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU about this lie in?

54 replies

PinotAndPlaydough · 16/12/2015 08:25

Long term argument in this house-we have two children aged 4 and 2 both bad sleepers, the two year old still wakes during the night.
In 4 years of parenthood my husband has put the children to bed a handful of times, that's fine he works long shifts and is either not home to do it or has just walked through the door. He's also never got up in the night to settle them mainly because I breastfed them and because I'm a sahm but also because he's a miserable badtard when he's tired.

Every morning the kids wake at 6.30 the same time he gets up to get ready for work. He thinks I should get up at this time too and I think I should be able to get an extra half hour in bed as I've had to get up through the night. I don't understand why I need to be up if he is. He doesn't give them breakfast or anything just keeps an eye and ear out while they play, we live in a flat so it's not like he has to run down stairs to keep checking on them.

At the weekend he gets a long lie in on Saturday until about 10 and I'll sleep in until about 8-9 on Sunday (I let home sleep until he wakes naturally, he will come in and ask if I'm getting up).

Not sure if it's relevant but while he works hard once he's home he has the whole evening to relax, dinner is ready when he gets in, most of the housework is done (he might do a load of washing or a bit of washing up) and he doesn't have to do any childcare. He goes to bed early between 9-10 and sleeps the whole night.

So who is BU?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 16/12/2015 09:29

Please can I recommend what we did about weekends when ours were small? We divided each weekend day into 3x6 hour chunks of time. We were each entitled to one of those chunks of 6 hours completely child free. Nothing short of someone's leg falling off got in the way of the child free time. The rest of the time was family time or up for negotiation. But the free block was sacrosanct. It stopped us getting bitter and twisted with each other at a stroke. It meant that neither of us felt guilty if we wanted a long lie in or a night out.

rollonthesummer · 16/12/2015 09:34

What he will do is open the door and see I'm awake and then leave it open so the kids start coming in

Why does he do that?

I would A. Pretend to be asleep or if that didn't work, B. Tell him the door stays shut until 10am on Saturdays and Sundays and it's the parent on duty's responsibility to keep the kids away and quiet (breakfast and telly?!) till then.

I would also have the Saturday lie in so whatever he did to me on the Saturday, (send kids in/wake me up at 8am etc), I would do exactly the same to him the next morning.

Fizrim · 16/12/2015 09:40

I think he is being unreasonable about the weekends, but you are being unreasonable about the weekdays.

However, you seem to be going down the point-scoring road (he gets more free hours ...) which is often a sign of issues so I suspect this about something other than a poor sleeper (which I also had, so you do have my sympathy on that score!).

Bertrand so only a third of your weekend is spent with the family together? Out of an 18 hour day 12 hours are already spoken for?

Original poster

PinotAndPlaydough · 16/12/2015 09:43

When it wa just the oldest he would take her out for the day and I would have time to myself but he is very open about the fact he doesn't feel like he can cope with two of them on his own (2 year old is VERY hard work).

I am working on improving their sleep, the eldest sleeps through and although she takes ages to fall asleep she will stay in bed quietly. The youngest has gone from waking 5+ times a night to once or twice and while she screams at bed time it's slowly getting better.

If I didn't get up in the night I would probably be up at the same time during the week.

Unfortunately I can't afford to work, the eldest doesn't start school until September and we couldn't afford two in childcare.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinotAndPlaydough · 16/12/2015 09:48

It does feel like point scoring sometimes and it's something we've both agreed we need to stop.

OP posts:

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 16/12/2015 10:15

Yanbu in the slightest.

Scholes34 · 16/12/2015 10:16

My DC used to get into bed with me. A lie-in for everyone, with some books?

SummerNights1986 · 16/12/2015 10:25

IMO it's a bit of both.

You are bu. Mornings are a rush. I start at 8.30am so have to be up at 7. Dh's often doesn't start work until 11. It would piss me off no end if dh just stayed in bed because I 'have to be up anyway'. We all get up, we all pitch in with breakfast/ironing/getting kids washed/whatever.

I also think that if you are the SAHM it's reasonable that you do most of the night wakings. Yes, you have dc to look after and presumably housework and so on, but DH doesn't get to plop his boss in front of the TV whilst he sits and has an hours rest in the afternoon if he's tired.

At the weekend he gets a long lie in on Saturday until about 10 and I'll sleep in until about 8-9 on Sunday (I let home sleep until he wakes naturally, he will come in and ask if I'm getting up)

He is bu. Make this clear - agree a set getting up time for your lie in day, at which time you go in and wake the other if they're not up. The kids aren't allowed in until then.

mrsmugoo · 16/12/2015 10:29

Oh he's miserable when he's tired is he?

Poor lamb.

I presume you're perfectly happy when you're tired?

wowis · 16/12/2015 10:38

god this could be my lovely exh youre describing here. How is it you can cope with both dc and he can't? Grow some balls methinks... and i'm not underestimating how hard your 2 yr old is but my ex left me when I was still preganant and I managed with two dc and a newborn so my sympathy is in short supply!
Surely he needs to practice spending time with the 2 kids together not avoid it?!
And dead right he should leave you the fuck alone until 10am! on your lie in!

also just a warning that in the end my kids would ask for me because the ex was so wank with them when he got up. Nothing is less relaxing than trying to chill and hearing your children ask 'when is mummy getting up?' I want to see mummy etc so he needs to up his game. good luck op and

TracyBarlow · 16/12/2015 10:40

I have three very young children. I do the (multiple, frequent) night wakings and husband gets up with them at 6.30 while I lie in till7.30. MIL once asked when it was my 'turn' to do a morning. I told her it would be my turn on the same night it was my husband's turn to breastfeed a baby all night.

splendide · 16/12/2015 10:59

On days when I work and my husband doesn't he gets up literally 2 mins before I run out the door. I hand the baby over and go! I don't see why I would make him get up sooner really, he then has DS all day.

I do the night wakings as well though so I'm probably just a mug.

Lweji · 16/12/2015 11:00

I was working full time and getting up with DS in the night, as well as putting him to bed and feeding him in the morning.
Surely your OH can cope with half of that too. And that includes giving them their breakfast in the morning and giving you some rest in the morning.
You also have a difficult day job, where you have to concentrate taking care of two young children until after he's gone home. You need your rest too.

rollonthesummer · 16/12/2015 11:04

Hmm, I think you get the rough end of the wedge there!

We had a similar situation in that I'd do the night feeds and then DH would get up with DS and just plonk him in a baby seat in front of the telly (Baby Mozart video, I think-this was the days before Cbeebies!) whilst he got ready for work which would give me another hour in bed. It made a lot of difference to me when I was desperately tired and was no hardship for DH.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 16/12/2015 11:09

It's the opposite here, I'm chivvying DH to get up on his lie in days whereas he lets me sleep in.

However if he lets me sleep in till 1230 or 1 which I easily do, then I miss most of the day.

Not sure what my point is sorry.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/12/2015 13:37

It's exhausting missing out on quality sleep. If the mum is bf there is not much dad can do to help (somehow the nappy changes or sick/teething episodes are lumped in with feeds, "No point both of us being up") but once the bf is over surely it's not unreasonable to ask for the occasional hand at night.

When I had DC1 a friend who had sole responsibility for nights commented whatever time her DP got up, coincidentally their DC also woke. One up, all up! Subconsciously or not there's often resentment about the SAHP. She knew when DP was away or at weekends amazingly their DC slept through. She said one might almost think he clattered about on purpose.

Good luck OP I would tackle the weekend lie-in situation first.

Wobblystraddle · 16/12/2015 13:38

I think there is middle ground re the mornings: he gets up and gives them milk and puts the telly on, you get up at seven and take it from there.

The rest of the day you describe, I really think there needs to be more equality. The kids would benefit from quality time with their father, you would benefit from quiet time, you may in the fullness of time want to work, but a huge precident will have been set re who does what in the house. You may find yourself doing everything.

In my house I work pt and dh works ft. He leaves 6-6.30am; I drop the kids at breakfast club at 8:45am and barely make it to work on time. I can count on the fingers of one hand the times he has even so much as given them milk before he goes to work (they are usually up well before 6). I, on the other hand, make my lunch, do the dishwasher, often hang out the washing, sort their school bags (which dh never sorts despite picking them up from the childminder), get the kids ready. Fucking martyr I am.

harshbuttrue1980 · 16/12/2015 17:21

YABU. You seriously expect him to get up to get ready for work and get the children ready, while you lie in bed? Get up and pitch in - you don't have a job, so you can easily have a nap in the afternoon if you need to. You sound a bit lazy.

waterrat · 16/12/2015 17:40

It sounds like you are getting much less sleep and tme to yourself than him.

Lweji · 16/12/2015 17:44

so you can easily have a nap in the afternoon if you need to.

Sure. Easy with two young children who may or may not sleep at the same time.
I won't say what you sound like.

CwtchMeQuick · 16/12/2015 18:09

I'm a single parent so obviously have to get DS and myself ready in the mornings. However if I had a partner it would piss me off no end if he lay in bed while I did this. It's not just keeping an ear out. I tend to chuck some toast in front of DS and stick him in front of the tv, doesn't stop him coming in while I'm in the shower, or me having to turn the hair dryer off multiple times so he can talk to me. It's managable but I leave the house so much more stressed than I would do if I only had to think about myself in the mornings.

As for the weekends, I think you just need to set a time the bedroom door can be opened from that you both agree on.

Original poster

PinotAndPlaydough · 16/12/2015 18:26

I don't expect him to get up and give them breakfast or get the dressed just make sure they don't mess around.

I don't have a job but I work bloody hard at home, I do 99% of the house work I get 4 buses as day 3 times a week taking my eldest to preschool, I take my youngest to toddler groups and do lots of activities with them at home and trips to the park etc. I don't really know how I meant to have a nap in the afternoon seeing as the eldest certainly doesn't nap and the youngest rarely naps, maybe I should just gaffer tape them to the wall or lock them in a cupboard

OP posts:

Lweji · 16/12/2015 18:49

However if I had a partner it would piss me off no end if he lay in bed while I did this.

Would you still be pissed off if said partner had been awake during the night to feed/settle said children and you had slept soundly the whole time?

northern78 · 16/12/2015 18:55

Love the fact that you can just chill during the day with a 2 and 4 year old. Yanbu but I have similar. Dh used to get up before me to leave for work. I do all the night wakings and get up when dc do. We have 3 including a 3 year old. Now he gets up later but still has no input with dc. Even on the rare occasions I work I still deal with dc. Weekends he often stayed holed up in the bedroom until he hears me downstairs.
If you are doing night wakings it wouldn't kill him to supervise dc for 30 minutes maybe 3 times a week.
In a way though I have made a rod for my own back as dd3 still breastfeeds. This is apparently the reasonvwhy he can't settle her. It might have more to do with him hsving bugger all to do eith her in the 1st year of her life.
weekends should be equal too.

northern78 · 16/12/2015 18:57

Yes lweji.

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