To call it a day and LTB

[BlackEyed]

I am so ready to end my relationship and just don't know what to do.

DP is just ridiculously last, selfish, irresponsible and I can't cope anymore. We've had issues over and over and millions of false promises that never last and I'm starting to feel like it's got to the end of the line.

I have told DP how I felt a few days ago, I'm a full time student and she is a SAHM. I've recently failed a test due to having no revision time as there is always something that needs doing.

The kids miss medical appointments left, right and centre and end up being kicked off, childcare fees haven't been paid in 3 months because she forgot so that's a huge bill before Xmas, I had to get Christmas presents as she hadn't done any shopping at all, it's just constant.

At the same time I'm desperately trying to catch up on my uni work, complete my almost due assignments and actually pass this course! I started this to give us a future as its vocational and leads to a job. Preciously we were both long term unemployed. I need to pass this course to give the kids a decent future.

She says she's supportive but then doesn't realise I have to pick up the slack constantly for what she doesn't do and that's massively affecting my ability to study.

She is a SAHM by choice as she doesn't want to work (never really has) and has 3 children. 2 are in their teens and make their own way to school and back and 1 is a toddler who goes nursery 3 days a week. That gives her 3 full days child free and as the older children see their dad another 3 days a week with just one child to deal with. It isn't like she's being asked to do a lot.

She seemed to understand this when we spoke last week and we've had a lovely few days. Today has been final straw for me though.

I said I was working all day Monday and Tuesday, which means sat in my room distraction free to get my assignments done. That was all fine. Tuesday she decides to go shopping, also fine little one is in nursery.

But then she forgot to order the shopping delivery so we have no food at all, haven't been able to eat all day. I'll go when I get back she says, fine.

5pm comes and little one needs collecting from nursery so I have to stop working and do that. They decided to go for food after shopping. Then tea needs sorting and usual tidying up etc. Bedtime comes around and I have that to sort, youngest sobbing because mummy isn't here and she wants to show her the present Santa gave her today.

At least then I can get back to work now kids are in bed. She finally swans in at half 9 wondering why I'm so annoyed. I told her I needed to work, she knows I'm failing, she knows how important this is and yet she didn't think to get back and take over child duties so I could work as planned. She didn't even need to go shopping she just got dragged along and normally hates shopping ffs!

I'm literally ready to end it. I can't do this course with her living her and nothing's ever going to change. If something doesn't matter to her then she forgets it or ignores it. Feeling so hurt and angry.

OP that sounds like a nightmare.

I'm about to embark on a vocational degree and I 100% need my partners support or it won't be doable.

I just couldn't deal with everything you are.

I expect they get most.of their nursery fees paid by student loans in the form of a grant.

I expect they get most.of their nursery fees paid by student loans in the form of a grant.

But it's not free money is it? It needs to be paid back and that money could be spent elsewhere or saved.

So I can just check ? You've been together for , what , 16 years and you have three kids together . All this time you've both been on benefits and have never worked.

Now you have decided to become a FT student ( so you get a student loan ) and your partner is doing all the housework / child care to enable you to do this. Except for the three days a week when you toddler is in nursery .

Have I got this right ?

I think that you have to leave, this is not going to get better, but worse. But you need to leave when you are ready, and if at this time, you don't have anybody else to help you raise that child (if you are the birth mother) it may be a good idea to keep there until you work out your next steps and make some time for study:

Go to your classes, but never ever expect to be able to work while the children awake. This the way I did it (ds was born in the middle of my degree):

• always get out of the house to study, if you stay you will end up doing housework
• i studied at home from 8pm to 4 am, it helped that exh dealt with DS from 7 to 9 so I could have more sleep. No study could be done effectively while DS was up, i couldn't concentrate and just was getting myself massively stressed.
• I wouldn't cut the nursery sessions completely, because as entitled as she seems to be, things will get worse if she has no time away of the baby at all, but reduce by a day or two (unless is difficult to get that sessions back after you split).

If the vbaby would be staying with her after the split, she will get enough benefits supports to survive on her own. You just need to keep the things civil in order to facilitat contact (you may want to add the book "Putting children first" to your reading list, which is a fantastic guide to help you set up good arrangements to parent separately).

If you will be keeping the baby with you... I just need to say that it would be difficult to study BUT, not as difficult as studying, taking care of the baby and a woman who can't be arsed to help. Make an appointment with the Student Welfare Advisor to find out what extra support you can get to raise your child after split.

Good luck!

PS. it may be that she is not lazy, but used to such sahm arrangement. I have friends who do not work or plan to work and still have au pairs, nannies and people to assist at home. But that's what they are used for, the difference here is that you don't have the means to keep her in that style so, she either faces reality and starts being more proactive or leaves.

Used to, not used for..

The older teens are not from this relationship
I don't know how you will manage it but you need to ltb somehow. At least then you can claim extra help as a lone parent tpwsrds the childcare (maybe not while you are studying, depends on the course)

Pp saying she will get her childcare paid by a grant - no. Even if she gets a grant there won't be a childcare element as she has a dp at home. You only get that if you're a lone parent or your dp works but earns very little

Well, your toddler is both your responsibility. After studying/working all day you then carry on with childcare - it shouldn't just be her 'duty'. It's yours as well. As is ordering the food shop.

That said, she doesn't sound like she's doing her share. In life, people vary as to how much they give or take from others. Some just don't bat an eyelid at taking much more than they give. Benefits are there to help when the chips are down. Choosing it as a main source of income whilst paying out for nursery is taking from the pot that is there to help people in times of need. Making you do all the giving whilst she does all the taking seems to be the way she wants to live. You can't change this fundamental aspect of her personality - this is how she is. You would probably find life easier and less frustrating living separately, now that you see the imbalance not just how she treats you but how she sees her place in society.

You have been together long enough to know her and people rarely change. So can you picture life in this relationship in another 10, 20, 30 years from now? Would it make you happy, content? Would it be fun? What when you are considerably older, with the physical and other constraints that can bring?

You can really love someone, but they just aren't 'relationship' material iykwim? I have a 'partner' a bit like that. I'm not willing to take things any further than I have (def won't live with him). But I do love him.

If your DP really can't work towards a more equal partnership, then I think you will resent it more and more as time passes and life, as the cliche goes, really is too short.

I have nothing against a SAHP having childcare, I think it's good for everybody to have a break, but three full days and not using that time for anything else but a "break" is excessive.

As somebody else said, being a student doesn't exclude you form household responsibilities, but it sounds like your DP isn't doing their fair share. DH and I don't have children yet, he is a mature student and I work part time, we are pretty even in terms of housework and pet care though he does slightly more usually as he's more of a neat freak. When he has busy periods I do more and it's the same in reverse. I couldn't live with somebody who didn't pitch in and do their fair share without being pressed to do it.

enroljass if it's a grant, it wont need to be paid back. I'm a mature student and used to qualify for a small percentage of our childcare fees. My student loan needs to be paid back, but my grants don't. But actually my post wasn't right anyway, turns out obsidian is correct and at least one resident parent needs to be working to qualify. So I guess it isn't free money is it? Christ that's a lot of cash to be wasting!

YANBU. LTB.

Thanks everyone, yes I've posted before and thought some may recognise the issues. It's the same thing continuously. Last time we were arguing about reducing the nursery hours down, which ended up being increased, in the end and now it's the failure to understand that if I'm studying I need to be studying and just because I'm technically at home I can't be childcare / run to asda / clean up while studying etc.

I have made my mind up that enough is enough but feel so trapped as I need her to watch the kids while I go placement. The little one could increase her nursery hours but what do I do for early starts and finishes? Or night shifts even?

I'm a single parent to 3 children and a fulltime student. I manage to study.
She does sound utterly useless but you can't blame your failing on her either.

By the way I should point out that it isn't that she does NOTHING, she does do the housework and gets the kids off to school, gives them tea, looks after them etc. when I'm not here.

The problem is a) she's bloody lazy so usually does the bare minimum or only what I've told her to do b) she's forgetful, so if one of the children has an appointment it ends up being missed or if a bill arrives it's put away and forgot about. I have to literally tell her what to do, remind her when it's time to do, tell her how to do it and then check she's done it. I might as well have done it my fucking self!

She says she understands when I raise these issues but it never changes anything, at least not for more than a few days. Last argument I told her she needs to get a job and that the little one can increase her nursery hours so she can work days, doubt that's ever going to happen.

Great - so how do you find time to study when you've worked 4 days at placement, spent 1 full day catching up all the cleaning because the house is in a state and the other 2 days you have to do the usual kids appointments, post letters, get shopping etc. where is the time?

Can you go study elsewhere (library? Parents house? Cafe? At college?) so that you're removed from the equasion. Then tell her you will be out if the house 9-9 on monday/Wednesday/Friday each week so she will need to be 100% responsible on those days. You will have to turn your phone on silent to concentrate.

Is she dyslexic?

It's worth telling her to put any appointments on google calendar immediately. The second they are made.

Evenings once the kids are in bed and weekends. Any free periods are spent in the library. I get one weekend a month when the kids are at their dads, so that's also spent working. Its not easy, I don't sleep a great deal, but it has to be that way cos I don't have a choice.
I'm not saying you are wrong to be fed up of the situation, but you also have to take some responsibility for your own study.

Vadger (vagina + lodger).

OP, as someone here has said: you are moving on - your partner will not want you to succeed. I also think you'll need to leave. Is there anyone else (e.g. family, your parents or siblings) you could rely on for some childminding? But in any case, there have been many examples on Mumsnet of single mums of several children studying full time, so I presume it's doable.

Btw I don't understand why nothing changes after your "talks" - e.g. why don't appointments get put into her phone/on a board in the kitchen, etc., in other words why hasn't all this been translated into practical measures? (My hunch is: because she does not really want anything to change.)

Finally: when you want to study, instead of being at home go in to the uni/library.

I'd fear leaving because of how she'd raise the toddler, or not. Can you boot her out? how feasible is that?

So legally the toddler is yours - you have joint custody -is that right? And biologically? And which of you will be the resident parent? And who will pay how much child maintenance? What does your DP want to do re custody of child.

The decision to leave has been made. It is a waste of time posting on here for validation. You need to sort the practicalities.

Surely when you have early starts/late finishes she would have the toddler on account of not having anything else to do?