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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Jealous Mum or just a copy-cat?

49 replies

rockinstroller66 · 15/12/2015 15:28

My husband says my mum is jealous of me but I said Mums can't be jealous of their daughters? To put tings into perspective I'm 37 with a young family and my sister 32yr stills lives at home with Mum. So it wasn't uncommon for us to for example maybe get the same scarf because to a degree we have similar tastes.
However over the last few yrs it has become more frequent and annoying. If I get something my mum will just go buy it for my sister or herself. Now as soon as I buy something she can't even go "Oh that's lovely" but straight to "Oh that's more your sister where'd you get that?"
Now I know how silly and school girly it sounds but it is starting to bother me in the sense that it feels like my mum wants my sister to have these things more than me?!
With my last baby I got a charm bracelet with letters and charms for each of the kids. Next week my mum got herself n sis one and never said until we were all out for dinner together. Now I can brush over the same clothes bags etc but it annoyed me cos this was something that represented a sentimental thing to me and I just wanted it to be unique. It even bugs my husband now and we started having a laugh about it. For example mum came to my house to see what colour scheme I was having for xmas and then went home and did the exact same? AIBU? I wouldn't hurt her for the world but I am sick of seeing the same nail varnish, hair etc on all 3 of us?

OP posts:

Cardboxed · 15/12/2015 15:30

You have a colour scheme for Xmas?

LemonBreeland · 15/12/2015 15:30

I think I would have to say something. I'm not sure how to put it but that would really irritate me.

steppedonlego · 15/12/2015 15:31

YANBU, this would irritate me too, but rather than do an outright confrontation I'd just keep saying things along the line of "oh goodness, you're going to turn into me at this rate." Or "well imitation is the most sincere form of flattery." Going for airy and breezy.

Alternatively, purposefully decorate/wear the most ugly things you can buy

goodnightdarthvader1 · 15/12/2015 15:31

Yes, mums can certainly be jealous of their daughters. You're a younger, more attractive version of your mother with your whole life to live over again. For some women, that's too much.

Dipankrispaneven · 15/12/2015 15:32

In your shoes I'd be so tempted to mess with her and change my Christmas colour scheme; also to tell her that you've just bought/been given all sorts of outrageous things to see if they turn up in your mother's house.

More seriously, I suppose it might be that your mother feels that your sister misses out as she isn't in a relationship and in her own home?

yankeecandle4 · 15/12/2015 15:36

Annoying, yes. But YABU to get her up over it. Take it as a compliment! Sorry but the charm bracelet issue makes you sound a bit precious and special snowflake. They are not exclusively for giving birth. What colour is your Xmas scheme out of interest?

yankeecandle4 · 15/12/2015 15:37

To get het up

yankeecandle4 · 15/12/2015 15:41

You're a younger, more attractive version of your mother

Unless you have seen both the OP and her unattractive mother then that is a bit presumptuous.

Original poster

rockinstroller66 · 15/12/2015 15:46

Dipankrispaneven this is so what I thought! However my sister has been in a relationship for 3 yrs just hasn't moved out. But it gets a wee bit more annoying I'm crazy about coats and whenever I find a really nice one I buy it even though I've too many. Now Mum scars the land for unusual ones and then gets them for my sis even though it isn't particularly her thing so to speak?
Also 2 weeks ago was at mums house and sis says "you want to see the thing tht mum got the other week" Okay show me then? Sis says "Mum wants to keep it hidden cos she knows you would just love it and would feel really awful not given you it but she loves it so much herself" Now a week later I go to her house and seen a lamp now holy mother of god if there was ever anything made in my style this was it! It was totally out of place in my Mums room and she looked a little sheepish. I commented and said it was lovely but when I got into the car I seriously wanted to cry not over an object but just the sheer fact that when you know some1 so well and something they would love to a tee and yet she got on like this. I was ready to cry but my husband said it wasn't maliscous he just thinks maybe she admires my style and although she didn't maybe like those things before but now that it is on her radar she does and hence liked that item too and couldn't resist buying it. Listen I know writing this it seems so shallow it isn't just about the objects I promise! lol

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 15/12/2015 15:47

You're a younger, more attractive version of your mother with your whole life to live over again

Whilst I do agree that Mums can be jealous of daughters (jealousy is an emotion all humans can experience in relationships) you cant possibly state it is because the OP is more "attractive" than her Mum, younger yes.

mouldycheesefan · 15/12/2015 15:52

Mislead her, I am thinking of getting all my hair cut/ discovered great black nail varnish/changing home to neon pink colour scheme etc
When she asks where you got something tell her the wrong shop.
Or just say, mum I am flattered but stop copying me!

yankeecandle4 · 15/12/2015 15:59

OP it sounds like your Mum feels like you have it all and she needs to compensate your sister, as well as settle her insecurities. Did she have money for luxuries when she was younger?

Also is there a history of her giving you and your sister unequal treatment?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/12/2015 16:01

Love the way Cardboxed jumped on that one

Original poster

rockinstroller66 · 15/12/2015 16:02

mouldycheesefan I tried this a little. What I did was when I got something new I ddin't go " oh what you think of this new dress" etc I would leave it a while and then when asked go oh I just picked it up in the sale but then I got caught out once or twice and this is since shes become so much more cunning. As i'm writing this I'm amazed and how funny it all sounds but basically it's like everyone knows this is going on but no one is saying out right. The only time I cracked was when I did up my ensuite a random colour scheme that believe me not many ppl would like and next time went into her home she got the exact same accessories. She seen my face it was more of the single white female look of alarm to be honest. she protested oh just with it being a plain white bathroom it's the only colour I could go for. "White I said you can do any bloody colour under the sun!" She looked a bit embarrassed and I felt bloody dreadful after. I shouldn't be pissed of it's my mum but flipping hell it's annoying!!

OP posts:

elf0508 · 15/12/2015 16:03

My mum does this! I used to make home made gifts for my boyfriend and she would ask me to make one for her boyfriend

littlewoollypervert · 15/12/2015 16:04

My mum does this to a degree but it's out of insecurity - she has never trusted her own taste and would never just try something in her house to see if it works - she will only copy something she's seen elsewhere.

I've learnt not to tell her about any redecorations to my house as she will copy them (sometimes before I do it!)

Although in recent years I've suggested changes to her house (not out of the blue, only when she's mentioned she fancies changing the colour of a particular room etc and we've been having a conversation about it) and she won't take any advice! I bite my tongue lots...

In your situation I'd start suggesting that you are getting things that are totally outside of her taste and see what happens (like Mouldy and Dipank said above).

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2015 16:04

Not wanting her to copy is one thing. Going to her house and wanting to cry because she got a lamp you would like is quite another.

Sounds like you are all very close. Possibly She (or you two) are just a little too enmeshed in each others lives.

Just decorate your house disgustingly next year.

ItchyArmpits · 15/12/2015 16:07

Is it possible to accept it as a compliment to your taste? (I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm really asking)

FundraisingPTABitch · 15/12/2015 16:14

My mother is like this.

I have a brother who is (for the lack of better words) a dumb-fuck.

Whatever I have, my parents go out of their way to make sure my brother and his wife and dc have the same.

If I've bought a car, or post a picture of myself smiling on Instagram his very next post will be of the same car in his driveway or of him smiling with the same background.

It gets a bit worse for me, because if I don't share on a regular basis my brother thinks I'm having a difficult time, so he ups the posting of things he think will make me jealous. Like a vacation, or he'll put his dc or wife in some label/designer he thinks I've always wanted and flaunt it. Only to be brought down until my next post of whatever it is--not because I'm about flaunting, but because I'm happy with whatever I have.

When he heard my DS had SEN, he was over the moon because he thought I'd never be happy again. Cue his meltdown in the summer when he realised that I'm happy and so are my kids.

Some people just have issues, and some parents just want their kids to be happy. Things don't make anyone happy. We make ourselves happy.

Original poster

rockinstroller66 · 15/12/2015 16:14

Itchyarmpits at first yes I thought awk she just likes the same things trying to be young. Loves when ppl say oh you 3 sisters etc! but the annoying thing is she seems unhappy when I get something now. Like I work crazy hours etc and do shop a lot for fashion and home but I sacrifice holidays. Mum and my sis go on really expensive holidays 3 times a year I could only dream about. I'm not one bit jealous good luck too them. Mum said "Oh your always buying if only I could afford that" I pointed out well I'd love to holiday the way you do but she couldn't see the point?! Some spend ££ on clothes others cigarettes. As far as i'm concerned if your earning spend as you please no need to justify to anyone!

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/12/2015 16:19

Ok. Your second post makes you sound petty tbh.

Enjolrass · 15/12/2015 16:21

I get what you are saying OP

But the lamp thing is strange. She didn't copy you she saw it and wanted it. Yes it was something you would like, but she also likes it.

Afternoon your second post I do wonder wether you are blowing this out of proportion

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2015 16:22

Jealousy wouldn't have entered my head

She sounds like she just lacks imagination

ItchyArmpits · 15/12/2015 16:25

Yeah, sorry, just re-read.

Your second post... makes it sound as though you don't think your mother is allowed to have nice things.

NoahVale · 15/12/2015 16:30

Absolutely, you are blowing this out of proportion.
you are all very materialistic.
do you have too much money? not enough to do?

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