Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Jealous Mum or just a copy-cat?

49 replies

rockinstroller66 · 15/12/2015 15:28

My husband says my mum is jealous of me but I said Mums can't be jealous of their daughters? To put tings into perspective I'm 37 with a young family and my sister 32yr stills lives at home with Mum. So it wasn't uncommon for us to for example maybe get the same scarf because to a degree we have similar tastes.
However over the last few yrs it has become more frequent and annoying. If I get something my mum will just go buy it for my sister or herself. Now as soon as I buy something she can't even go "Oh that's lovely" but straight to "Oh that's more your sister where'd you get that?"
Now I know how silly and school girly it sounds but it is starting to bother me in the sense that it feels like my mum wants my sister to have these things more than me?!
With my last baby I got a charm bracelet with letters and charms for each of the kids. Next week my mum got herself n sis one and never said until we were all out for dinner together. Now I can brush over the same clothes bags etc but it annoyed me cos this was something that represented a sentimental thing to me and I just wanted it to be unique. It even bugs my husband now and we started having a laugh about it. For example mum came to my house to see what colour scheme I was having for xmas and then went home and did the exact same? AIBU? I wouldn't hurt her for the world but I am sick of seeing the same nail varnish, hair etc on all 3 of us?

OP posts:

AskingForAPal · 15/12/2015 16:43

I would just tell her I got everything in Argos, totally straight faced, even if it's something they would never sell in a million years. Then when she hassles you about it (hopefully later having checked in the catalogue) you can just say "let's not talk about shopping, there are so many more important things in life."

NoahVale · 15/12/2015 16:47

are you better off financially? perhaps that it why, instead of keeping up with the Jones, she is keeping up with you

IsItMeOr · 15/12/2015 17:00

I do not begrudge anybody spending their money on nice things that they love.

It does sound like your family takes acquisition of stuff waaaayyyyy too seriously though.

I just don't get the idea that something is more one person than another. While the buying identical stuff is a bit weird, that's even weirder to me.

BerylStreep · 15/12/2015 17:06

You do all seem to be a bit fixated on material things.

Sansoora · 15/12/2015 17:06

I think they probably look at you and think Rockinstroller has a great life and is well sorted so if I buy what she has and copy her colour choices etc it will mean Im well sorted as well.

I think your mum is more to be pitied, or perhaps that should be looked up kindly, than anything else.

And I get what you mean about the lamp.

reni2 · 15/12/2015 17:07

Ooo the temptation to buy a turquoise wig from the poundshop and rock up wearing it and zebra print leggings just to see if they follow must be all-consuming .

Sansoora · 15/12/2015 17:08

And I dont think your fixated on material things. It could be that you buy something nice twice a year and it gets copied. You dont have to be out there buying up the shops every weekend.

Oldraver · 15/12/2015 17:08

Oy yes this is another MN 'my Mum does this'

My Mum used to go and buy the same clothes as me...many years ago I was a lot bigger and could only really get plus size stuff from Etam or Evans so not a lot of choice, so it was easier for her to 'copy'. I was in my late twenties and my Mum was buyingf the same clothes.

She has moved onto house stuff and bought the exact same bedding, then copied my living room colour and went and bought the curtains she knew I wanted to get. She has recently seen my newly decorated bedroom and judging by the OMG's I dont think she will be copying

Its tiring. On the whole she is snidey about anything I buy (so I tend to keep schtum about my stuff..but when she started raving about my garden chairs ....Oh I WANT them... I just changed the subject

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 17:12

Unfortunately you don't get to own styles of lamp, a penchant for coats, a particular taste in scarves, colour schemes or the concept of charm bracelets.

I can see how it might be annoying to feel you're being copied, but it's ultimately harmless. Saying something about it will just make you look a bit precious to your mum & sis - - or if you think they are doing it on purpose to wind you up (which would be a pretty elaborate and expensive wind-up!) - - it would presumably give them pleasure to know they've succeeded.

Live your life & they can live theirs, and you & your dh can continue to have a laugh about it, which seems the best thing for everyone.

Other possibilities to consider, apart from that they are deliberately trying to undermine your individuality out of jealousy and spite: do they feel a bit left out by you & DH? Do they look up to you? Could this be a way of trying to stay close to you / keep things in common with you? Could this be a way for them to gain your acceptance, or prove to you that they have good taste too since fashion seems quite important to you (not saying that snarkily at all, btw)? Possibly a long shot, but could be an explanation.

People have all sorts of reasons for behaving in deeply annoying ways - often if they knew how annoying it was they'd be utterly mortified.

sugar21 · 15/12/2015 17:13

You're all very materialistic, what would you do if you all had no money to spare. You have a colour scheme for Christmas?
This afternoon I made up a parcel and took it to the Church so it could be passed on to refugees, they don't have the option of a colour scheme but they sure do need a coat.

iklboo · 15/12/2015 17:14

When I was 18 (way, way back in the 80s) my mum met me off the bus wearing the exact same outfit that I'd gone to work in and had had her hair cut in the same style.

Whenever we buy a new gadget, my mum runs out & buys the same things - whether they need it or not, or if they'll ever even use it. I got a Tassimo coffee machine from DH last Christmas, on Boxing Day she went and bought one. They've used it less than a dozen times (I've asked my dad).

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 15/12/2015 17:16

Reminds me of that Frasier episode when the young, rich but clueless station owner copies everything Frasier does, says, wears and ends up with the spitting image of his apartment.

He is furious at first but then explains it away that he is a "trendsetter" and that "copying is the highest form of flattery"

I know where you come from OP, once I bought a pair of boots that I found after weeks of searching. My MIL went and bought the exact same thing 2 days later after I stupidly told her where I bought them from. It felt like a kick in the heart.
I learnt not to don't indulge anyone of details of special purchases.

I would do the green neon wig and zebra leotard combo as pp suggested.

I feel for you. Sorry you are upset.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 15/12/2015 17:17

Oops a bit of double negative there.
I mean I learnt no to indulge etc...

StDogolphin · 15/12/2015 17:19

Tell them about your amazing charity shop finds, that will keep them busy!

Original poster

rockinstroller66 · 15/12/2015 17:24

Hey all so interesting to get other takes on it. I am certainly not materialistic but I have always really taken pride in my possessions and looked after them as a wee girl. I don't like waste and would rather have something I really love than a few crappy things. Hence maybe a more expensive handbag I use all year than a selection. Priorities in my life our kids hubby then me. So if we have money left over I will spend on home or fashion but not all the time. For instance birthdays or xmas most ppl know I collect a certain china or crystal for example I will get those rather than presents I would tire of. So to my Mum it could look like oh she has 4 different matching dinner sets but I may have collected a plate a week or something. I'm not frivolous I always think about a purchase. Like I said she spends nearly all her disposable income on holidays. So trying to match what I have to my sister seems strange as I don't see her booking me flights to even up the inequality!lol

OP posts:

Sansoora · 15/12/2015 17:27

You now absolutely nothing about the OP's charitable donations and support of others. People are also allowed to enjoy life even if others are facing great hardship.

They're also allowed to have a colour scheme for Christmas and judging by the amount of references to it here at MN an awful lot of people do.

Oh and you may want to think on this:-

But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

lizzydrippingsghost · 15/12/2015 17:30

what does your sister say about all this

Original poster

rockinstroller66 · 15/12/2015 17:33

Sugar21 if I was you I would've kept that parcel so you could stand on it and preach how mazing and altruistic you are. Don't judge I do several things for childrens charities for personal reasons. You can spend and be a good giving person. do you live in a shack and eat a tin of beans everyday? I'm sure not if you have some spare cash is there something you spend on, dinners out, bottle of wine perhaps?

OP posts:

MacFox · 15/12/2015 17:39

not jealousy, she is envious that you have a better 'eye' for spotting things that look good.

Your H being a stirrer labelling her 'jealous'

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 15/12/2015 17:42

Your second post sounds pathetic. Honestly, you cried because she bought herself a lamp you would like (but had never seen before) and think she should've bought it for you?!

The rest I kinda get. If it makes you laugh, my (jealous of all her daughter's and grandaughter,in various ways) rather small chested 'mother' once decided to buy herself bras the same size as mine. I'm a J cup!!!!!!!!!!! She looked bloody ridiculous wearing something so huge under her clothes.

You do all sound very materialistic though and as if you spend way too much time shopping!

Original poster

rockinstroller66 · 15/12/2015 17:43

Sansoora so much more eloquently put than myself towards sugar21.
My sister copies too but definitely of late she has seemed embarrassed about it and stopped directly copying but happily receives the gifts my mother gives her. Believe me there are bigger things in life to be worrying about it's just I'm intrigued as to the reasoning behind it all, you know. I cant get my head round it. The lamp example I gave you well I'll put it into perspective shall I. I'm very into interior design (wish I'd taken that career route instead) and have sourced many things in my home from online other countries to fit into a specific scheme I have in my master bedroom/dressing room area. Well this lamp had the same colours and a lampshade that matched my wallpaper I got from America. it was really uncanny she got it in tk maxx randomly. So when I say it was just made for my room it was and was so at odds in her livingroom so for her to hide the purchase from me was silliy and the fact that my sister found it necessary to tell me the backstory to it made it all the more stranger. Like this is materialistic but have you even seen say a pair of shoes not bought them went back to get them and they were gone and you still remember them lol that lamp would have that effect on me. (no it wasn't aladdins lamp by the way I'm bloddy describing it!) lol

OP posts:

Original poster

rockinstroller66 · 15/12/2015 17:49

Ha triptrap that bra thing is so funny bet you didn't know where to look!lol Yeh i'm a bit of a shopper but I'm not really in2 sport or other hobbies. Is it worse for me to like shopping opposed to sewing? Does that make me the most vacuous person on the planet. Judging by the queues in john lewis yday theres a lot of us airheads running around!lol
Okay so if she is envious of me having a supposed better eye for shopping then what's the buying my sister all the things about. Do you think just a case of trying to level up what we both have rather than favouring one over the other. That is worry that she has a favourite above everything else.

OP posts:

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 15/12/2015 17:59

I would say it's levelling up rather than your original thought tbh.

As for the shopping, different strokes for different folks. Perhaps it's the way you've written it as it almost comes across as if it's a pretty constant thing, rather than something that happens occasionally? Therefore it looks like you all spend your whole lives shopping and comparing purchases

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 15/12/2015 17:59

Oh and yeah, even my dad nearly wet himself

Flip

1 2