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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is my sister a massive pita

63 replies

breezydoesit · 14/12/2015 21:19

I have a 20 month old dd, I work full time and husband works away for about two weeks at a time...works in oil sector. My dd spends a day with DM and a day with MIL then three days with a lovely childminder whom my dd adores. She's also very close to dm and MIL too. I'm ttc and will go part time after second baby. I had 15 months MAT leave as well so only back a few months.

Anyway, sister has decided to tell me that my childcare arrangements are shit and I'm clearly not interested in my daughter,s well being since she's with child minder. She thinks that she should be at nursery instead. My DD is a healthy, happy, bright and loving little girl who (I think) has thrived in her surroundings but I just feel incredibly shit and I'm starting to wonder if I've made the wrong choice. It keeps me awake worried that I've done the wrong thing by my daughter. AIBU to be really fucked off with my sister or have I made a massive mistake with childcare arrangements? Help!

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 14/12/2015 22:22

Formal educational type stuff is actively damaging at that age. They need love, and a stimulating, interesting environment with a nice reliable routine. As long as they have those, they are fine.

Educational, my arse. The most academically successful countries don't start any formal learning until 6 or 7, because babies and small kids learn best, and grow up happier and more confident people, if they learn via play.

Hihohoho1 · 14/12/2015 22:30

Seriously your sister is a massive dick head.

I am a cm and today my little friend and I went swimming.

Tomorrow it's a bigger tribe and we are having a hot Christmas picnic in our local woods.

Wed a cms Christmas party with santa.

Thursday it's snowmen DVD after we have made cinema cup cakes and they don't know yet but my older kids have altered the outdoor lights so the garden is lit up and there are 'presents and messages from The garden fairies that watch over the children.

It's not money that kids need it's time.

Original poster

breezydoesit · 14/12/2015 22:36

All the CMs on here sound lovely i think nurseries sound great too but it just suited us to go with CM and when we met her I just thought she was a perfect fit for us and DD. That bond they have puts my mind at rest when I'm at work.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 14/12/2015 22:40

So...baby is happy. You are happy. What's not to like? I've always done combo of nursery and childminder and both are awesome if you choose well (which I'm sure you have). In hindsight I'd even say childminder maybe a teensy bit better than nursery when very young because they get so tired and nursery can be a bit harder to wind down from, if you have a "busy" baby!
If my mum and mil had been on board I'd have happily roped them in too.
YANBU OP and Merry Christmas too. X

BlueJug · 14/12/2015 22:40

CM for both of mine. The CMs became friends of mine. My kids loved, loved, loved their CMs. (We had 4 over a period of many years).

Small groups, other kids, trips to library, advice on friendship issues, "responsibility" for younger kids as they grew, home setting, trips to the park in the summer, a walk everyday - I can't sa how much good it did my kids.

I also valued CM's experience and asked each of them for advice. I was a new mum and this was particularly helpful regarding my DS who, (we now know), is dyspraxic.

If you and your kids are happy it is the best thing you can do.

Holidayrash · 14/12/2015 22:46

I've done both and you'll be delighted to hear my thorough research shows there's no difference.

Current young dc is in nursery and I'm happy with that - she loves it. Interestingly, most people I know who've worked in a nursery say they wouldn't put their own child in one.

WiIdfire · 14/12/2015 22:49

My childminder looked after me for the first 16 years of my life. We called her 'grandma'. I saw her on Saturday to catch up and introduce her to my new baby. She counts as family.

BTW Im a surgeon, so the lack of 'educational stimulation' didn't seem to cause much of a problem academically...

Whoami24601 · 14/12/2015 22:50

My mum was a childminder. It was great! There was always someone to play with and trips out in the holidays, and as we got older we helped her out by being extra 'adults' and looking after the little ones. It was just like having a massive family, which is exactly why we chose a CM for DD. In fact, she gave up childminding over 10 years ago, and we're still trying to shake some of them off

steppemum · 14/12/2015 22:53

The primary need for a child under 3 is emotional attachment, not educational stimulation.

I think that often gets lost in the childcare debate.

It is why nurseries and playgroups for years took children from 3.

With the best will in the world, a nursery can rarely provide as much stable one to one attachment as a good childminder.

Your dd sounds very happy where she is.

MrsGradyOldLady · 14/12/2015 22:58

breezy you're going to have to develop a thicker skin as your sister is the first of many people who will have an opinion on this. All the disapproving views will be directed towards you (as their mother) rather than their father so be prepared for that too. And all the scorn will come from other mothers.

My eldest 2 are 15 now so I've stopped giving a shit what other people think but it did bother me at the time. The worst was a bloody nurse telling me I wasn't "a natural mother " as I wasn't breastfeeding. She decided to tell me this when my daughter was hooked up to a nebuliser and I was worried sick.

By the way, there's nothing wrong with using a childminder. I used a nursery for my twins (as I didn't know any childminders and felt a bit paranoid about strangers) but for my youngest we used a childminder who was a family friend. I much preferred the childminder and I wish I'd done that for the twins - even if it meant looking around more.

Your sister, is indeed an arse.

bittapitta · 15/12/2015 05:58

steppemum makes an excellent point which should not be overlooked. Under 3s need emotional bonds. That forms the foundation for stability later on.

Be confident in your decision OP and know that sister's comments are about her insecurities and where she's at now wth deciding the future for her baby, not a reflection on you.

Original poster

breezydoesit · 15/12/2015 09:05

I feel better about my choice for DD now. I think I'll be having it out with my sister if she mentions it again

OP posts:

Kaytee1987 · 15/12/2015 19:31

I will definitely be going with a local child minder that bump can stay with through primary school (pick ups etc) I went to a child minder and absolutely no issues with education, reading & writing ahead of my age group from the beginning of school. I agree that very young children need love and security rather than education. I loved my child minder and would still refer to her as Aunty.

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