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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To HATE "isn't he good"

77 replies

Blarblarblar · 13/12/2015 10:09

Drives me nuts. Mr Bla is a fantastic man, I'll give him that. We share chores, childcare etc 50/50 but to me that's just right, fair it does not make him special.
I hear it so many times from friends, or on mumsnet to describe their OH "Ooh but he's really good he does the......" Insert bins, washing etc. Well why the fuck shouldn't he! Usually in conjunction with him not pulling his weight at all.
Everytime I hear "he's very good" I actually want to scream!

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 13/12/2015 15:00

You've just done the thing you're complaining about, OP.

You said 'Mr Bla is a fantastic man' - that's just the same as saying 'he's very good'.

Original poster
Blarblarblar · 13/12/2015 15:08

No it's not. He is a fantastic man a wonderful human being nothing to do with house work etc. He's not fantastic because he does shit he's fantastic because he is.

OP posts:
Chrisinthemorning · 13/12/2015 15:12

I say this about DH because despite working full time (I do 3.5 days) he does far more than I do. He's just a more energetic type of person, I'm a bit lazy. I do a fair amount but he does more, because he likes to make my life easier/ me happier and not stressed.

DixieNormas · 13/12/2015 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shutupandshop · 13/12/2015 15:37

When ds1 was a baby and dh took all 4 dcs out, I'd get oh poor dh. Wtf?

sillyrockers · 13/12/2015 15:46

People never say that about DH, who does 90% of chores and child-related activities when he's home. My family just breathe a sigh of relief and say thank goodness he's good at housework, because I certainly am not! Grin I'm not bothered by mess, DH is, so he does the lion's share because he's the one who benefits from it. That doesn't make him good, or not good, it's just someone doing things that makes his own life easier.

FixItUpChappie · 13/12/2015 16:03

I still know a lot of people who have a very 1950s parenting arrangement - the wife doing all household, childcare duties - the husband indulging in hobbies and getting a fucking medal if he "babysit" Hmm

My husband and I both work full time and we split household/child-rearing tasks. Sometimes (gasp) he even does more than I do. My response? I can't imagine why I would tolerate any less.

freespiritsbadattitude · 13/12/2015 16:14

Everyone tells me DH is really good with the kids. I asked him recently if anyone ever tells him I am good with the kids? Nope.

See also: babysitting. If I go out I get "oh is your DH babysitting?" Or even worse, a surprised: "who is looking after the kids?!" When DH goes out no one asks him about the DCs.

Marynary · 13/12/2015 16:16

I know what you mean. I remember when an old friend of mine commented that DH was "really good" because he does his own ironing. I asked her why she didn't praise me as I "did my own ironing" despite working nearly full time. Perhaps I was a bit aggressive but I couldn't believe my ears.

Original poster
Blarblarblar · 13/12/2015 16:27

I think often it's a throw away comment but if not challenged no one questions it. It diminishes men and patronises them as well as continuing this idea of what is "woman's work"

OP posts:
Marynary · 13/12/2015 16:31

sillyrockers I assume that you work more hours than your DH. If not YABU unreasonable to only do 10% of housework and child related activities.

YourDaughterHasATattoo · 13/12/2015 16:43

To go against the grain a little I've never noticed this. My DH works a lot of long days and night shifts, our families rally around regularly for this and invite me and the children for dinner/day activities, whatever. He works very long hours so I pick up a lot of the childcare, but that's the way it is, he misses them and me, dreadfully. He's often viewed as "unlucky" for this, not fortunate to "get out of childcare".
Before our children came I used to clean the house from top to bottom every Friday night (I'm too knackered frankly don't give a shit for this now). All of DH's family told him he was a lucky git, as did most of his mates. Depends who you spend time with I guess

YourDaughterHasATattoo · 13/12/2015 16:47

My brother is also often told by friends and family that he is really fortunate to have a wife who is so fabulous with little children. That it'll be great when they have their own as she'll be such a good mum. They're not suggesting he therefore won't have to do anything, simply commenting that she has great skills with children, so I don't believe only "good dad's" are complimented on their parenting skills. My dad often says my mum was amazing with us as kids, that she has a real knack for activities to get the best out of us

Trills · 13/12/2015 19:03

If there is something that you only see on MN - BE GRATEFUL.

That means that MN is expanding your horizons beyond your own circle.

You now have a better understanding of the world, and that not everyone's life is like yours.

Remember that for other people, things that you think are perfectly ordinary are things that they "only see on MN".

Please do not talk about things you "only see on MN" as if they are not real. They are real. They are merely outside of your circle of experience.

splendide · 13/12/2015 19:30

I get this a bit. I work full time and my DH does three short days a week at home around the childcare.

I will say that I also get people being unimpressed that he doesn't really earn anything. I think on here he might be considered a cock lodger (disgusting phrase).

YourDaughterHasATattoo · 13/12/2015 19:39

I think my husband is fantastic for doing all the stuff he does, mainly because it means I don't then have to do it. I know he's also thinks I'm fantastic for all I do. Sometimes saying your partner is "good" is just an honest compliment. I think sometimes we forget it's important to thank each other for the little everyday tasks that make our lives easier. By saying it in public to a friend etc can be further validation of this gratitude iyswim

BeetlebumShesAGun · 13/12/2015 19:44

My grandma did this to my SIL the other day, it was brilliant. DB has lost a bit of weight and we were commenting on how good he looked. My grandma turned to my (eminent microbiologist, £1million scientific grant recipe over, is currently hiring research assistants and had 200 applications) SIL and said quite seriously "ooh you aren't starving him are you?" SIL blinked and said slowly "No-oooo...DB does all the cooking"

Grandma turned to DB "oh, poor you!"

BeetlebumShesAGun · 13/12/2015 19:45

recipient not recipe over!

Theoretician · 13/12/2015 20:05

I'm not bothered by mess, DH is, so he does the lion's share because he's the one who benefits from it. That doesn't make him good, or not good, it's just someone doing things that makes his own life easier.

I think the view one takes on that might depend on exactly whose mess he was tackling. I'd guess that where one partner is doing most of the tidying, because they care more, they are cleaning up after the one who doesn't care, rather than after themselves. People who care about mess take care not to make it in the first place.

Maybe Dadsnet can appoint an ambassador to reply with that argument in every thread here where a women is complaining about doing the lion's share. Women deserve no credit for doing most of the tidying, they're just benefiting themselves. Similarly, it was them that really wanted to have children, so it's only reasonable they do most of the work in relation to that. This idea of equality of contribution is just a feminist con based on a smuggled in false premise of equality of priorities.

[runs and hides]

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 13/12/2015 22:14

I totally agree OP. Dh and I both work ft and split chores 50/50. I like cooking, so do most of the meals. He prefers laundry, so does the majority of washing and ironing. And I get so angry when people hear he's done the ironing and say to me "aren't you lucky?".

No, I'm not lucky, I'm in a grown up relationship where we both accept responsibility for the housework. Because, you know, it's 2015 not 1955.

PrimeDirective · 13/12/2015 22:23

Little annoys me more than hearing women ask the father of their children if they can babysit their own children!!
Men who look after children and do housework are not heroes, they are just decent human beings, husbands and fathers.
It should be a basic expectation, not a bonus.

PiperChapstick · 13/12/2015 23:12

Oh god YANBU this is my pet hate and DH finds it offensive that people think he's ordinarily so feckless that he deserves a congratulations for 'looking after' his child. My nan (now dead) used to fawn over him because he would do the dishes and tell me how lucky I am. When I asked if she thinks DH is lucky when I do the dishes she did this face Hmm and said "no of course not you're the woman"

Now DH works one day a week more than me, I cook (cos he's shit at it) and he does most of cleaning. The way people go on you'd think he was saving lives. Even his sister (35) asks if he's "babysitting" when DDs not with me. I always say "no, he's at home with his daughter" cos I'm a bit of a twat

We were once on holiday for DSis wedding and her husbands brother and his wife were there. Their DD needed a nappy changing whilst we were all in a restaurant and the wife passed it to her husband who went off to change the nappy. Well the way my family bangs on about it you'd think she'd have sold her child into slavery. "Lazy bitch" got bandied about. I pointed out that no one at all would even notice if he'd passed her the nappies twats

Same guy also got showers of praise because he could plait his DDs hair. Never mind that the mum dressed them that morning, she had the nerve to not be subservient and marry a man who wasn't shit at everything, she doesn't deserve praise.

Bottom line: people should not get praise for not being shit at something

NotCitrus · 14/12/2015 09:31

I refer to me babysitting when I stay home in an evening while the kids are in bed - it's the same function as when the teenager next door does it and people use the word when DP does it, so I'm reclaiming it!

I get people (usually my mum) telling me how DP is 'so good' and reply that yes, he wouldn't have got to live with me if he wasn't!

I'm heartened by the fact that while my dad was unusually involved in childcare and housework, as my mum was ill, in my generation I only know one dad who didn't regularly change nappies and all his mates took the piss. And he's ended up as a SAHD and after reading manuals for appliances etc is doing it pretty well.

Anotherusername1 · 14/12/2015 11:06

It makes me irritated when I see women, no matter what age, do everything for their husbands/OH. Doing all the cooking, cleaning, ironing, remembering his friends birthdays, anniversaries, baking treats for husband's work etc.

This! Why do women write their husbands' Christmas and birthday cards for them? I think I'd be quite upset if my son didn't write me a birthday card when he is older and left it to his wife/girlfriend! I write the ones to my family and friends and husband does the ones to his family and friends.

People who care about mess take care not to make it in the first place.

And this.

My DH irons his own shirts because he doesn't like the way I do them!

PiperChapstick · 15/12/2015 17:01

Just seen something that reminded me of this thread.

Tom from McFly posted a video of him blowing dandelions whilst carrying his son on his back, and his son giggles. It's incredibly cute and I'm sure Tom McFly is a good bloke. However the hysteria over it being shared and "what an amazing dad!" And "wow his wife is so lucky to have a hands on dad" type comments Hmm fuck off! Man plays with son = what you're supposed to do. I imagine if the mum had posted this video of her blowing a dandelion she'd have been called a poser