To HATE "isn't he good"

[Blarblarblar]

Drives me nuts. Mr Bla is a fantastic man, I'll give him that. We share chores, childcare etc 50/50 but to me that's just right, fair it does not make him special.
I hear it so many times from friends, or on mumsnet to describe their OH "Ooh but he's really good he does the......" Insert bins, washing etc. Well why the fuck shouldn't he! Usually in conjunction with him not pulling his weight at all.
Everytime I hear "he's very good" I actually want to scream!

"I only really hear this from the older generations. It seems most men and women my age (34) realise that the children are the responsibility of both."

I disagree. How many threads do we see on here, where (young) women complain about their other halves doing sod all? I do wonder how many

My parents are in their 80s, and my dad has always done pretty much most of the clearing away/washing up/dishwasher-loading, along with hoovering and helping to change sheets and so forth. He's pretty rubbish at cooking, but is willing to have a go at his limited repertoire when my mum is out-of-the-loop for whatever reason. I do acknowledge that this isn't particularly common for men of his generation though.

I remember once, many years ago, we were at his childhood friend's house for lunch, and the wife had cooked a massive (and cordon bleu standard) meal for 10 of us. She'd clearly done the house, the table, all the cooking and was just finishing all the clearing away and washing up (pre-dishwasher days), helped by my mum, when this bloke got up from his armchair, popped his head round the kitchen door and said, "Any chance of a cup of tea, darling?" My dad was appalled (although I don't recall him helping with the washing up at the time either) at how he could possibly think that was OK.

Trills - when we decided to TTC, DP and I had many conversations about bringing up dc, responsibilities etc. I was very clear throughout that I wanted to be a "dad". I think that with current attitudes, in order to end up with a 50:50 share of parenting you have to aim for somewhere around 60-75% is the father's responsibility, because everybody around you will be pushing the other way.

My step mother-in-law (met her partner, OH's father, in their 70s) confided to me that he was always clean and took care of his own personal hygiene, and wasn't that A Good Thing. So perhaps we have come on a way. :s

It's a class and locality divide as well in my experience.

I think it actually makes sense without being something that's judgemental.

ie wc mums who live in small towns (rather than those who have moved to cities) are more likely to have been able to access social housing close to their extended families so they have lots of other female relatives to help with childcare. Compare this to couples who have moved away and just have each other for childcare- they are more likely to be co operative, in my experience.

Also stats show than there is more of an income disparity between 'mens' wc jobs than 'womens' eg compare the hourly rate of a plumber to a carer. So wc women are less likely to have wages high enough to cover childcare and the jobs they do are more similar to 'at home' work (cleaning/cooking/caring). Therefore it creates a culture where this work is women's work regardless of its paid or unpaid.

A pp said about her FIL not holding his dc i know someone who's d.p has only changed one nappy their child is two I was so shocked.

It really gets my goat too, it's patronising to men.

I also detest the phrase "He's a wonderful/fantastic dad" usually applied to a man who is just, you know, being a dad. But apparently that makes him Fantastic!!!!

Women are never called fantastic, or wonderful of course.

FIL was on his stupid rant about 'looking after my man' because he goes out to work. He said I should have DH's dinner on the table (taps table for emphasis) as soon as he walks through the door.

DH said he'd prefer his dinner on a plate. But since I also go out to work, work longer hours, earn more and get in at least 2 hours after he does it would be a bit impractical for me to put dinner on the table. Oh, and it's also 2015. Would he like a calendar for Christmas.

I get this all the time from my mum. She also says "poor DH" a lot if he so much as makes us all a cuppa. Drives me mad!

Ugh, I have a friend who's husband calls it 'daddy day care' when he's looking after the kids without her. No mate, you're parenting.

I'm chronically ill so DH does more than me probably (though we don't have children) and my Grandmother delights in telling me how lazy I am, how lucky I am to have him, how easy everything comes to me etc etc

I thought it was just me who got wound up by this. I can almost feel the steam coming from my ears when people say it.

Although it us predominantly older people - my mother/MIL I also hear it from relatives of our generation.

Seethe.

Yep. I hear you.

When DS was born I had from my own..... avowedly leftwing and feminist parents..... 'It's good DH is such a support to you'.

Yeah right. Supporting me by doing some of the night feeds for his own son.

And more recently when I was away for four fucking days for work, I got the 'Isn't he good' because DH worked from home at that time.

DS is 5. DH has worked mostly abroad since DS was 6 months old... coming home every second or third weekend for 3 years. I did it all on my own, and no-one said anything. While I was away for 4 days, our neighbours had DH and S in for dinner so he was supported. I have never been there even for a cup of coffee.

I am mad mad mad.

Oh this gives me The Rage! I don't get people say it me directly but they do say it to DH. He takes them to soft play and gets sick of hearing "it's so nice you do this with them..." What? Drink coffee at a play cafe? My neighbour even put a long message on Facebook about how heart warming it is to see a Dad being "so hands on blah blah blah". MORTIFIED is not a strong enough word to describe how he felt. Someone upthread hit the nail on the head, it's damn condescending.

I don't hear it that much but have noticed if I am away my parents and other people fuss round dh and invite him for tea etc. When I am on my own with the dc I am left to it.

I turn up at school with shop bought cake for DCs birthday "ohhh didn't you have time to bake?"

Mr.P turns up at school with shop bought cake whilst I'm on another continent for meetings and I actually get bloody text messages to tell me how "lucky" I am and what a "wonderful father" he is.

At same time despite having arrived home at 3am off random flight and trying to juggle a 7am conference call and a report review at 10am I feel utterly crap about said shop bought cake whilst in parallel world DH feels heroic for remembering there was any sort of noteworthy event

And if as a man you become the RP after a split the Vatican gets in touch to start the beatification process because you are a real life Saint!

This happened to my cousin.

It was that thread lottie that got me upset. Poor woman.
I don't think it's entirely generational I've got friends my age (39) and much younger who do EVERYTHING and if partner even does one thing it's ooh I shouldn't complain really he's quite good he looked after DC all day the other day etc
Love the thought of the pope getting involved because he allways takes out the bins.
I work away occasionally and wow the kudos DH gets from school, nursery staff, you'd think he'd single handedly solved world hunger.

I was born in 1945 and remember my Dad playing with my sister and I and hoovering, dusting, washing up etc so I don't think age has anything to do with it.

What I don't understand is why women marry these useless lumps. The majority probably lived together and I can't believe all the men only morphed into laziness after marriage. They then go on and have a/multiple child/ren and are shocked that the man does nothing. From what I read on here, it's like having another child to look after which I would find really unattractive and a huge turn-off.

What I don't understand is why women marry these useless lumps

Then have a child then go on to have more children, come on Mumsnet and moan about how little the men do. When they are questioned about why they went on keep having more children, they say that it is not the point

It's definitely not generational. I live in an area where there are lots of farmers and it's like the 1950s round here. There are men who are actually proud never to have changed a nappy and laugh at stories like the one time The Wife went away for the weekend and they had to have a takeaway for every meal because they forgot how to use the toaster. At a wedding I was told by one specimen that he brought home the money so he didn't expect to do any house/baby work (his wife also worked btw) as if that was some sort of fair division of labour. I asked if they knew where I could apply to get my own house elf that does all the cleaning and washing and tidying and cooking - or do you only get one of those if you have a penis, FFS? Depressingly there are a lot of women who go along with it - and then express surprise when my DP does the dishes. Ooooh The RAGE...

It makes me irritated when I see women, no matter what age, do everything for their husbands/OH. Doing all the cooking, cleaning, ironing, remembering his friends birthdays, anniversaries, baking treats for husband's work etc. Most of these women work full time as well. it's just such a strange thing, as if men are somehow overgrown children unable to function in a domestic environment.

I think it's very sad that any decent, kind and caring man is 'good'.

It's not good. If you love and care for your family, why wouldn't you share chores and stay at home with the kids when your partner goes out?
I find it so depressing reading the threads where the dp seems not to care about the partner at all and does nothing at home even when the woman is suffering with illness and exhaustion.
That's not normal.

I have friends who admit that if they refused to do a vastly bigger share of childcare and the domestic crap their relationships would be likely to collapse!

They are with knobheads IMO.