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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if most people are drawn to their 'own kind?'

64 replies

Spamfaced · 11/12/2015 16:47

Im not talking about marriage or even close friendships. Im talking about generally.

Grew upon in London and now live out in the sticks where its mainly white. Im obviously mixed heritage but very gregarious. My close friendships have been nurtured over many years and are from different races and backgrounds.

However ive noticed that in a newish group most people have closer friendships with those of the same race. Ive noticed that though many of the people in this area socialise with me, they are never really close to me. If someone new moves into area of same race as them I notice that they seem more comfortable in each others company than with me. There are a couple of exceptions.

It doesn't really bother me as everyone is perfectly nice and accepting and I don't feel isolated... but it has made me think...

Is this in my mind or am I instinctually less preferable until you get to know me?

Or maybe I reek of B.O!!

OP posts:

Blu · 11/12/2015 18:38

TheGiddyLimit: yes, there is a wide range of class and socio-economic diversity . There are m/c mortgage holders, newer ones have huge mortgages, incomes and Volvos, there are non wealthy ones who moved in ages ago because as a deeply unfashionable area it was all that could be afforded. There are rental properties, some subdivided into small flats, some owned by a HA, etc. within a few houses distance there is a large family run by a single mum , doctor , barrister , electrician , pizza delivery HQ (a multiple occupancy property where they all have delivery mopeds). This is normal in London, or everywhere I have lived, anyway. All races , religions , nationalities. And we do know each other because we have lots of communal events. School even more so. A mix of private houses and a big LA estate each form about half of the catchment, all cheek by jowl . School events and subsequent social groupings very mixed.

TempsPerdu · 11/12/2015 18:39

I was thinking along similar lines earlier today. I live in a very ethnically diverse area of outer London, so the rural element other posters have mentioned doesn't apply. But driving past two local secondary schools at the end of the school day it struck me how the students seemed to have pretty much self-segregated by race, with most of the gaggles of children walking along being made up of one identifiable ethnic group. I found this a bit depressing, but maybe it's fairly natural? I noticed a similar thing (although less pronounced) in primary-aged children when I used to work as a teacher.

Also agree with thegiddylimit - I've noticed that the metropolitan middle-class types I know often have a broader range of friends in terms of ethnicity, but they tend to be extremely homogenous when it comes to class (e.g. they pride themselves on knowing plenty of 'refugees', but these all seem to be Iranian émigré writers or Chinese political dissidents!). They seem to bond though their similar politics, education and jobs in media/academia/NGOs etc.

Lucy61 · 11/12/2015 18:43

Totally get what you are saying, OP. I have moved out of London to a smaller city. It is diverse in some areas but I live in the white Middle-class end of town. I often feel as an outsider; no matter how great a conversation I've had with someone or how many times we've chatted, it's difficult to to get to the stage where we are inviting one another for a coffee/ playdate etc. I have made friends and they tend to be ex-Londoners or people who have a partner who is from
an ethnic minority etc. When I was younger, I used to think that I ought to make more of an effort and maybe I'm not so good socially, but now that I am aware of 'unconscious bias' I'm a lot more easy going and have realised that I much prefer the company of people who feel comfortable with me, whatever their ethnicity or background.

Lucy61 · 11/12/2015 18:45

Oh, and I do have lovely friends.

ouryve · 11/12/2015 18:46

I'm not even sure I have an "own kind".

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 11/12/2015 18:50

I think people definitely prefer people more like them, but for me that tends to be bookish hippyish people with a preference for indie music, rather than anything class / race based - that being said I'm originally from Birmingham and my school was multicultural so maybe people from the white enclaves think differently...

WowOoo · 11/12/2015 18:50

I lived abroad and was drawn to people that shared my language. It was a huge culture shock for a start.

I made good friends with all sorts of people, but it just took longer with the natives as we had less - i.e. a language that we both spoke very well and a shared culture - in common initially. Give it time.
You sound like a great person by the way. I love spending time with non Brits It's a whole different outlook, perspective... And the food. It's a whole new cooking experience!

Pipbin · 11/12/2015 18:51

It is interesting op. I teach reception and I tend to see this with groups of children meeting each other for the first time. I only have two black boys in my class and they became friends on the first day. Both are uk born so it's not a cultural or language thing.
I think that we look for people who look like our family.

Blu · 11/12/2015 18:57

TheGiddyLimit: and to clarify , what I particularly meant was 'no one is in a minority or majority' . I have just done a quick run down of the primary school class and there was not one grouping with more than 3 kids. At least 11 nationalities, at least 4 religions, 2 with SEN, one with mobility disability, at least 5 'first languages '.

Everything to do with rubbing along with life in a less exalted area of S London and very little to do with poncjng around being a Metropolitan! (I do that at work, sometimes)

ouryve · 11/12/2015 19:01

Blu - similar mix in my village, too, bar the Barrister (that I know of). We have teachers and teaching assistants, social workers, a vet, computer programmers, former steelworkers, retired miners, joiners & carpenters, lorry drivers & delivery people, musicians and musical instrument makers.... No one incredibly wealthy (that I know of) but still a wide mix.

Original poster

Spamfaced · 11/12/2015 19:02

Aw thanks woo

OP posts:

ouryve · 11/12/2015 19:04

We don't have the wide racial mix, mind!

Original poster

Spamfaced · 11/12/2015 19:05

Pipbin, good point about the family connection.

My 'other' parent comes from a very traditional, strict society and I often feel I need to be on my best behaviour whenever I meet those in this race. However once I get over this it is nice to be with someone who had a similar upbringing to me.

OP posts:

Debbriana1 · 11/12/2015 19:20

To be honest, I think what your asking is very tricky. There is a TVs show called "blackish". In one of the episode they deal with integration. What I found interesting was the fact that black men have a signal that they give each other a sign of acknowledgement that they see you and they know you are around.

What they didn't explain was what women did.
In areas where there are a few black people, when two black people are approaching one another they tend to look at you and smile or say hello. I have experienced this on so many occasions. Other people don't and it's not expected.
I have had someone run up to me in the park. She had seen me through her window and wanted to have a chat with. She had only moved to the area.

Maybe this applies to other races too. It's more about what is common.

Have you tried asking them instead of the other way round?

I also know that I tried once and the woman at the baby group turned to me and said that my phone number was not needed.

Original poster

Spamfaced · 11/12/2015 19:38

Deb, welcome to the discussion. I do not ask. Not because I am shy, I am not, but because what I observe is subtle. Its the magnetic drawing together and natural ease they have with each other, almost like 'hey, we the same! We connect!'

I prob sound completely bonkers but that is my interpretation.

OP posts:

Kennington · 11/12/2015 19:52

while I have a mix of friends and acquaintances
I notice I gravitate to a certain type and many of my close friends have all have studied similar subjects. Very similar tastes in clothes, other halves and politics and type of upbringing.....I am comforted by this but could not tell you why!
But one reason why is when we talk we don't have to explain certain decisions nor reasoning because the others immediately understand. Plus unspoken cues too.

StealthPolarBear · 11/12/2015 19:58

There was an experiment trying to remember details. Subject had to read up about other people. They rigged it so one of them shared the subjects birthday that was all it took for the subject to 'prefer ' them.
Interesting topic op...but what's thay funny whiff? ;)

StealthPolarBear · 11/12/2015 20:00

I thibk there's a nostalgia thing too. Ever noticed how people like to talk about popular culture from their youth (music and cartoons in particular). Rightly or wrongly you probably feel like the more someone is like you, the more chance they had the same experiences.

Original poster

Spamfaced · 11/12/2015 20:03

Its my crystals im using, stealth

OP posts:

Original poster

Spamfaced · 11/12/2015 20:04

but I had these experiences, albeit in a London village

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 11/12/2015 20:05

Yes I agree but there's a stereotyping thing isn't there?
Out of curiosity what is a London village?

Original poster

Spamfaced · 11/12/2015 20:23

You know, like the various stops. So Clapham or finsbury pk can be called a village, tongue in cheek of course

OP posts:

Debbriana1 · 12/12/2015 00:46

To be honest, the best you can do is be yourself, try your best and hope that someone will agree to go out for coffee. You can't force people to be your friend. You are already coming across as someone who is making the effort.

thornrose · 12/12/2015 01:03

I'm white and moved from London (my village was Brixton!) to West Sussex. I can totally relate to what you're saying about people gravitating towards their like.

I'm quite the opposite though. I had a black partner for years and my dd is mixed race. I had mainly black and mixed race friends in London.

I tend to be drawn to people who are clearly non racist!

TopHat33 · 12/12/2015 01:34

Op you talk about noticing a real difference between were you lived before and where you are now so it doesn't seem anything you are doing has made the difference. You're doing the right things - just keep on doing them!

I've been left out of a group of friends where I am - we all started out on the same project, I'm the only white person and have wondered the same when they meet as a group without me. But - I'm still close friends with two people in that group and I focus on those friendships. So maybe it's about cultivating individual friendships first? I'm sure you do that - you sound lovely. But maybe it just takes a little longer to break down perceived boundaries. I think you're right - people do gravitate to the familiar, whether background, school,interests, whatever - it's not intentional but also not good! For you...it might just be cos youre from london! I'm sorry, I don't have any real advice but I think what you say is true and I also think that you will make good and close friends where you are. It may take longer and that's crap. But focus on the people you do get on well with. It's tough moving to a new area as well.

Ps - I'm deffo sure you don't have BO but just in cases have some fragrant

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