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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you say anything ?

62 replies

FlameProofBoots · 10/12/2015 19:05

It came up in conversation yesterday that my nephew will not be taking part in his school nativity because it's past his bedtime. He's seven years old. This came directly from SIL and at the time I made a goldfish face but was too flabbergasted to say what I wanted.

Should I push this with her? It just seems like she's setting him up for a lifetime of being others and ridiculed by his peers. I'm sure that one 9pm bedtime won't harm him fgs and the while rest of his class will be taking part.

More a wwyd than an AIBU I suppose, but do you think I should try and talk to her about this or just mind my own business?

OP posts:
Stasie · 10/12/2015 20:31

In that case, she has a reason, and it's her anxiety and that is a whole different ball game. I think it would have been better to say this in the OP as folk have been very judgmental.

Please let her be, it's her business, and she sounds like she could do with some support, not this. Does she read MN? If so then I think it might be kinder to get this deleted?

NurseRoscoe · 10/12/2015 20:31

I would say something before someone else does, someone who isn't as close to her and would say it in a much harsher way. Being too strict on the perfect parenting often doesn't work out well for the child.

Stasie · 10/12/2015 20:34

Are there other concerns for the wellbeing of the child?

If not then I think it best to stay out of it.

Cookingongas · 10/12/2015 20:36

I'd do same as your sil. Dd is currently being diagnosed with asd. A late bedtime and loss of routine will result in a whole weekend of meltdowns. Whereas her asd means she's entirely indifferent to peer pressure. Lesser of two evils to just keep her home.

Publicaly I would say - truthfully- she needs to be in bed by then. No further explanation needed. I'd be astounded to find it mn worthy.

x2boys · 10/12/2015 20:39

Whys the nativity so late? I wouldn't be happy being out so late either mine you ds 2 is autistic and goes to bed at 7 every night .

Original poster
FlameProofBoots · 10/12/2015 20:44

He is NT. I'll leave it though, thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 10/12/2015 21:22

When I worked in a primary school where the younger children did an evening performance, loads of them didn't come back after school. It was considered quite normal. Often there would be even younger siblings to be put to bed and it was just too difficult to get the 7 yr olds to and from school that late at night.

Christinax · 10/12/2015 22:14

You could maybe mention it but dont push if she says no then just chnage the subject. She is his mum end of the day

springydaffs · 10/12/2015 22:40

Don't get these replies tbh. Of course you could say something! It's such a small thing but large at the same time (for her ds).

If the subject comes up again, or even bring it up, then definitely say something. We all need a bit of feedback. We're not Totally Right About Everything.

AdjustableWench · 10/12/2015 23:11

I think it depends on your relationship generally. I'd be quite willing to listen to either of my sisters-in-law about something like this, but they're both usually quite tactful people. And I'd feel comfortable raising something like this tactfully as well. But if your SIL is quite anxious, I guess you know her reasons, and raising it might increase her anxiety...

GracefulSwanPaddlingLegs · 10/12/2015 23:20

In our school the kids don't get a stamp for passport day if they don't attend so patents are under immense pressure

GracefulSwanPaddlingLegs · 10/12/2015 23:21

*parents

Birdsgottafly · 10/12/2015 23:27

So he's really missing the play, because his Mum needs the structure of his routine to stay the same.

That's perfectly reasonable, it's what she needs to do, to cope.

Do you discuss her anxiety and is she getting help from anywhere?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 10/12/2015 23:45

Sorry, I completely disagree.

I think you should point out to her as gently and kindly as you can that she is depriving him of an important class event.

That's not reasonable.

Maryz · 10/12/2015 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 10/12/2015 23:56

Give me another ooh, 5 years, and I'll be brave enough to say what MaryZ said,

Like she said it.

SeoulSista · 11/12/2015 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nataleejah · 11/12/2015 07:36

Poor child. That woman needs help before she screws him up.
He's just 7 now, maybe not a big deal, but in years to come there will be serious fireworks.

Dipankrispaneven · 11/12/2015 07:42

In that case, she has a reason, and it's her anxiety and that is a whole different ball game. I think it would have been better to say this in the OP as folk have been very judgmental.

That is not an adequate reason. It is completely unfair on a child to prevent him from taking part in something which he would probably enjoy and which the rest of the class is doing, purely for his mother's benefit. I hate to think how he feels watching all his friends rehearsing and hearing them getting excited about something he is excluded from.

Blueandwhitelover · 11/12/2015 07:45

Does he have a big role in the play or is he not likely to be missed? An angel at the back of the row may not be missed but Joseph might be! It's a shame when children don't get brought back and you have a half empty stage.

cariadlet · 11/12/2015 07:49

I think it's a shame that he's missing out (assuming that he would have liked to take part), but can understand why your SIL feels anxious about a change or routine.

But the problem wouldn't have arisen if the school had thought about its timings a bit more carefully. I don't think it's sensible to have performances that finish late if young children are involved.

DeepBlueLake · 11/12/2015 08:06

I would say something. The child shouldn't have to miss out because of his mother's insecurities.

Stasie · 11/12/2015 08:14

I didn't say it was a particularly good reason, and I agree that it is sad if he misses out due to her concerns, however she may make up for it in other ways, you know, being great at certain things, as a parent - and mainly, I really don't think that saying something is likely to change the picture - iyswim?

It may even make her worse. So while the situation isn't ideal, perhaps. there isn't a lot you can reasonably do about it.

Stasie · 11/12/2015 08:15

What I meant was that people should take her issues into account when judging the situation, and not just assume that she is being ureasonable for no reason.

Nataleejah · 11/12/2015 08:23

But its not the kid's fault. Why does he have to suffer? Oh, your poor neurotic mother -- so suck it up! Seriously?