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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I really screwed up here? (Be kind please(

81 replies

Motherinferior78 · 10/12/2015 00:11

My dd and my friend's dd (both 3) both attend a weekly activity. In advance of the last class before Christmas (today) parents were offered a chance to purchase an achievement award for a couple of quid to be presented to their child during today's session. If you didn't pay, your child would leave the session slightly early so they wouldn't see the presentation and know they were missing out.

Me and my mum took my friend's dd today as my friend was working and her child was not called out of the class early so I assumed they'd paid for the award. They had a lovely ceremony - the parents didn't go though which was a shame so we couldn't clap them or take photos, we just watched through the window.

My dd was so excited when she came out but my friend's dd was nearly in tears because she had watched the others get an award and she hadn't got one. The staff had made a mistake - she should have left the session early as her mum hadn't paid for the award. I felt so sorry for her that I asked the staff if I could pay for her to have one. They allowed this and presented her with it and we clapped her as the other children had all left.

Dd watched this and burst into tears because we hadn't clapped her. She was literally sobbing. My mum had a go at me saying I shouldn't have done it - it wasn't my child who missed out so wasn't my problem. She made me feel dreadful and reduced me to tears. I think I have now made my daughter understand what happened and that we are very proud of her but I know I ruined her moment. I really didn't mean to, I just acted out of kindness in the moment, but ended up upsetting my own child by trying to compensate another. I feel sick to my stomach but I can't turn the clock back now.

Was this a huge screw up? (Be kind please)

OP posts:
PoorFannyRobin · 10/12/2015 00:57

What you did was lovely! So sorry your daughter was upset, but you still did the right thing -- not many would have done what you did. (And what an unbelievably stupid way to manage a ceremony on the part of the organizers!)

Sortedforcheeseandwizz · 10/12/2015 00:58

Oh my goodness, no way OP! You definitely didn't screw up. You acted out of kindness and I think what you did for your friend's DD was lovely. I would be livid at the club, what a ridiculous way to finish the term!

There was no way you could have foreseen how that was going to go, please don't beat yourself up about it any more!

Rainbunny · 10/12/2015 01:29

OP you made a lovely gesture to a little girl who was the only child without an award due to error. The poor little girl must have felt awful and I'm sure you dd will calm down quickly about it. I must say though I think this club is terrible to be selling off "achievement awards" for paying parents. It's the complete opposite of what an achievment award is supposed to represent and an error such as occurred was foreseeable IMO.

mathanxiety · 10/12/2015 01:40

The whole event sounds dreadful. I am gobsmacked at the concept.
The staff/management sound horrible to have thought up such a thing in the first place, and then to have managed it so badly.

You did not screw up. You did a really kind thing.
Your mum must have been having a bad day, or maybe she is in the habit of second guessing you and making you feel small for reasons of her own.

You can make it up to DD maybe make a big deal of taking a picture of her with her 'award' and stick it on the fridge or something like that but you should also explain about her friend's feelings at being left out, and your intentions, and you really should tell her the business of buying awards is phony and utterly wrong, especially when some children are left out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/12/2015 01:43

Another one adding to the chorus of "you did the right thing under the badly-organised circumstances".

DSs both do an activity that has an end of year show, and the organiser does ask us to pay for their trophies - but I've never yet seen a child left out, so I assume she covers the cost for those who don't/can't pay. I think that's what the organisers of your thing should have done too - or if they simply can't afford to do that, then they shouldn't do it at all.

LittleBeautyBelle · 10/12/2015 02:08

You did nothing wrong, OP. In fact, you did the right thing in the face of a badly done ceremony all around. All the children should have gotten the certificate and the parents should have been allowed in the same room to clap, how ridiculous of the people in charge of this charade!! Your mother too was totally in the wrong. Always, always, treat all children with kindness and fairness, because that's the right thing to do and we'd all want our children to be treated kindly this way by others as well. This child's mother will surely be thankful to you for your kindness. You seem to have been the only adult with her head screwed on properly. Hugs!

kawliga · 10/12/2015 03:09

OMG you need to find a sane place for your dc to do their activity.

Sending the poor children home early while the rich children stay behind to receive an award their parents paid for is just beyond stupid. It was a disaster waiting to happen. I'm surprised only two dc ended up in tears, it could have been much more as 3 year olds are not stupid and they might have noticed something was going on, separating them that way.

JoandMax · 10/12/2015 03:24

Ignoring the ridiculous paying setup I definitely think you did the right thing!

If you hadn't got an award for your friends DD she'd have been upset so either way one of them would of been. And much as I wouldn't want my own DC to be upset at least she had her mum and her grandma to comfort her.....

Isetan · 10/12/2015 04:39

Send your Mum over to MN, we'll sort her out (we'll be firm but fair, I promise we won't go all gangsta on her).

Senpai · 10/12/2015 04:58

I would say it's easier to get over not getting clapped for than it is to be blatantly excluded like that. The club never should have allowed that to happen, or make you pay for awards though it does teach a poignant life lesson.

As for your mother... She was upset because a three year old started crying? Those guys cry for getting a green cup instead of the blue one! She needs to grow up and stop functioning at the same emotional level as your toddler.

Make a huge deal about DD's award, put it on the fridge, show the next person that walks in the room. She'll have forgotten about the clapping by tomorrow. :)

Starface · 10/12/2015 05:14

Yikes. Talk about teaching the lessons of inequality early. You are told you achieved something because you were born into a family that could pay. And you aren't told that if you weren't. That is just horrific. Even if you segregate rich and poor by sending the poor kids home early, who knows, rich and poor kids might actually talk to/visit one another and the comparison be made that way, e.g. by seeing the "achievement" award pinned up. All of the children involved were impoverished by this extra curricular activity.

Sorry, no comment on you OP, you were in a tricky situation doing your best.

But re the activity coordinators? Complain, vociferously. Consider removing your child and explain why. Consider a more public approach if the response isn't satisfactory.

RealityCheque · 10/12/2015 05:24

Wow. A unanimous YANBU. Well done, OP - a rare beast!

Of course you did nothing wrong. Well done you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/12/2015 05:35

"She needs to grow up and stop functioning at the same emotional level as your toddler."

Yes, absolutely.
I remember being at a friend's house when her then 3yo had a total tantrum because he was given the wrong cup - friend's MIL was all concerned and "oh look, those are real tears, he must be really upset" - uh no, those are crocodile tears of rage and frustration because he's not getting his own way!

Senpai · 10/12/2015 05:51

"oh look, those are real tears, he must be really upset"

Grin Bless her heart.

2yo DD can lay it on pretty thick too. Although, by now I've already established that my no is unwavering, so when she starts up I just kneel down and tell her "I know you're upset, but the answer is still no". That tends to stop her in her tracks. That was a lie. She puts on a cute grin and acts silly to make me laugh before doing the thing again and running off

greenfolder · 10/12/2015 06:17

A prime example of not being able to do right for doing wrong. Surely a brisk "you've both got an award, well done and pull yourself together DD, or lay down and strop your choice" followed by moving on would have covered it. I can't help pondering 2 grown adults being reduced to tears is an inevitable conclusion tbh. When my older dds used to swim, they had this nonsense. As if life wasn't hard enough, it was every 6 weeks, please put £1.95 in exact change in an envelope with your child's name and the code number of their swimming cohort. I swear once I put a £2 coin in and it was returned as it was the wrong amount. Why not just include it in the sodding fees? Have you ever met a child that doesn't want a certificate? 😒

Enjolrass · 10/12/2015 06:36

There is so much wrong with this OP and none of its anything you have done.

Firstly I wouldn't be happy with an activity where you have to buy an effort achievement.

It's just teaching kids that you don't have to actually put effort in because your parents can just buy it. But I see why you paid.

The mother should have told you she hadn't paid and if that meant her dd was upset then its her fault. Of course if she didn't want to be upset she should have arranged someone to pick her dd up early or paid. Even if she disagreed with it in principle.

You did something lovely and ended up dealing with 2 upset young girls.

I don't like the idea of sending the children home early who haven't paid. If the awards were fair then they wouldn't have had to do this.

But I just don't like the 'you all have to go so we can give awards to the children whose family paid for one'

The kids are three but someone of them will have clocked what was going on. My ds would have been oblivious at 3, but dd would have known at that age.

OP you honestly did not do anything wrong you handled it in the best way. The mum is probably mad at herself deep down.

differentnameforthis · 10/12/2015 06:36

Have to add that the whole thing was badly managed and they should have simply photocopied a certificate and given them for free with a sticker to ALL the DC! I'd complain actually. Spot on. I probably wouldn't have wanted to pay for something that was massed produced to be honest, although I would have for dd's sake.

But yeah...a couple of quid for something made on a pc, is a rip off imo. You can get a ream of paper for less!

Pythonesque · 10/12/2015 06:48

I'm also guessing this was a swimming class because I can't think of anything else that would do the same thing. Personally I think, especially at this age, they should be giving some sort of achievement certificate to every child in the class, including the badge and external certificate alongside this for those who have paid the extra fee.

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 10/12/2015 07:09

Did you try to help?

Then you did what seemed right at the time. It may not have worked. But you tried. I think it shows you to be a decent person.

SanityClause · 10/12/2015 07:11

If this is swimming, I have to say, I think the swimming awards system in the UK is utter shit.

When I was a child, we were given a booklet, which explained what we needed to achieve to get the next award. Our swimming teacher would assess when we were ready to be tested, and the swimming supervisor would then come and test that we could fulfil the criteria. (There was a test day, every so often.)

In the UK, my DC were given random badges at random intervals, and I was never able to discover what the criteria were for receiving the badge, until after they had received it. I have 3 DC, and over the years, we used 5 different swimming pools, so while I appreciate that I can't answer for all pools within the whole of the U.K., it's not just one "bad egg", either.

Little ones don't need a badge, as others have said. A certificate and a sticker will usually fill their hearts with joy. Badges for older DC don't need to be given all the time, either. Approximately once a year would do, similar to dance and music awards.

rollonthesummer · 10/12/2015 07:13

You tried to help. Your mum doesn't sound terribly helpful, tbh!

Enjolrass · 10/12/2015 07:14

sanity that's sounds bonkers.

When I learnt to swim, we got tested at certain intervals and got a badge and certificate if we passed.

My kids didn't do swimming lessons, they can swim, but we didn't go down the lesson route.

That's sounds so odd I didn't realise it had changed so much.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 10/12/2015 07:18

Yanbu at all OP.

Your mum sounds very unhelpful in a (mini) crisis actually. Annoying.

Also I would complain to nursery that they mismanaged something that was a stupid idea in the first place. Either give out awards or don't, don't create a divide by giving parents the option to buy them. If they do buy them, let the parents in to watch. If they don't buy them, make sure you get the right children out of class beforehand. Bunch of eejits they sound.

MidniteScribbler · 10/12/2015 07:30

I'd be absolutely furious with the school! Charging for an award is ridiculous.

Clearoutre · 10/12/2015 07:42

If your dd was old enough to understand I'm sure she'd be proud that you stepped in. I'm surprised the nursery staff didn't have the brains and sensitivity to notice and sort this themselves. I've never heard of paying to win an award (except may be in professional sports :)) Surely this effectively feeds off parents worry that their child will feel excluded if they don't pay??