To ask if I really screwed up here? (Be kind please(

[Motherinferior78]

My dd and my friend's dd (both 3) both attend a weekly activity. In advance of the last class before Christmas (today) parents were offered a chance to purchase an achievement award for a couple of quid to be presented to their child during today's session. If you didn't pay, your child would leave the session slightly early so they wouldn't see the presentation and know they were missing out.

Me and my mum took my friend's dd today as my friend was working and her child was not called out of the class early so I assumed they'd paid for the award. They had a lovely ceremony - the parents didn't go though which was a shame so we couldn't clap them or take photos, we just watched through the window.

My dd was so excited when she came out but my friend's dd was nearly in tears because she had watched the others get an award and she hadn't got one. The staff had made a mistake - she should have left the session early as her mum hadn't paid for the award. I felt so sorry for her that I asked the staff if I could pay for her to have one. They allowed this and presented her with it and we clapped her as the other children had all left.

Dd watched this and burst into tears because we hadn't clapped her. She was literally sobbing. My mum had a go at me saying I shouldn't have done it - it wasn't my child who missed out so wasn't my problem. She made me feel dreadful and reduced me to tears. I think I have now made my daughter understand what happened and that we are very proud of her but I know I ruined her moment. I really didn't mean to, I just acted out of kindness in the moment, but ended up upsetting my own child by trying to compensate another. I feel sick to my stomach but I can't turn the clock back now.

Was this a huge screw up? (Be kind please)

[missy81]

My DD (also 3) would have had exactly the same reaction. Could have a mini presentation with your DP/DH (if you have one) at home this evening, it might make her less upset?

FWIW I think you did the right thing.

[Motherinferior78]

She thanked me for letting her know. Apparently she had just forgotten to pay.

[Goingtobeawesome]

MotherInferior - what has your friend said about it all?

[Dipankrispaneven]

What was the award? Something tells me that they cost the club 50p and they have made a nice little profit. Surely one of the organisers realised that your friend's little girl was upset? Why did they not just give her an award anyway, given that it was their screw-up?

[UtterlyClueless]

You done a lovey thing well done! I assume lots of people would have done the same in your position.

YANBU

[BeanGirls]

You have done absolutely nothing wrong! The leaders of that group should be ashamed of themselves.

Can you not just explain to your dd that you did clap from outside but she couldn't hear you or similar

Or tell her you clapped for her friend as her mother wasn't there and it was a nice thing to do considering how upset she was.

Tbh she'll just have to get over it.

[MerryMarigold]

I don't know where you live, OP, but we have never been charged for achievement awards at ballet. At swimming you get to buy a badge if you want to when you pass certain levels (eg. 15m), but there is no presentation.

I think the whole idea is awful and the only thing you were unreasonable to do was to pay for the award in the first place and join in this ridiculosity. Next time tell them to shove their award! Dd will be none the wiser, her friend will be none the wiser and they get to wrangle less money out of you. Everyone's a winner!

[Boredofthinkingofnewnames]

Apart from anything else,let me get this right - you had to pay for an award to celebrate achievement even if a child may not have acheived anything, and you could have a child who did acheive and they don't get an award because the parents didn't pay for it? That is utterly bonkers.

Shit for you though OP, I think you did the right thing, the chool are in the wrong.

[Rachel0Greep]

OP, you did a really nice thing.

[Copperspider]

Motherinferior you did exactly the right thing. Organisers should have given your friend's DD an award, for free, when they realised they'd messed up, not charged you for it.

MsAdorabelle I think swimming is different as only some children will pass each stage; if you have a slow learner you would be subsidising everyone else's certificates.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

We have to pay for the awards at my dds swimming club. I've never really thought about it before. When they pass each level you have the option of buying the certificate and the sew-on badge for £3. I might ask them when we're next there why it isn't included in the course fees. It's all the dds have to show for passing, otherwise they'd be none the wiser.

Motherinferior78 you are lovely and your mother is a twat. I hope you told her so too.

[MrsEricBana]

Poor you. You were very kind indeed and it just backfired in an unfortunate way.

[Motherinferior78]

Yes it's a shame really because it's otherwise a very well run fun activity that both children enjoy.

[IndridCold]

Your DM is BVU. You acted for the best in a totally ridiculous situation (buying achievement awards, what sort of a screwed up idea is that? .)
Your DD will not be psychologically scarred for life by this bit of nonsense.

[Hygge]

That group sounds awful.

I think you did the right thing in paying for something when the other little girl was upset, but since it was their mistake they should have just given her an award and said "sorry X, we missed you but here's yours now" rather than leave her in tears and you to rectify their mistake.

I'm not sure I'd want my son to be part of a group this badly managed, who believe that achievement comes from buying a prize.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

You did a lovely thing. Both girls got an award. That's what matters. That is all they will care about now. Your mum was ridiculous. Don't let her make you feel bad.

[wheelofapps]

What a kind person you are to have 'rescued' your dd's little friend and helped her go home feeling good about herself.

Stupid that parents can only watch and clap from 'behind glass' for an award they have purchased.

Horrible that 'achievement awards' are in fact 'parent being organised / solvent enough' awards.

I once went on a school trip and the (toerag) child of local senior Police person was picked for ALL the questions and showered with stickers all day by the teacher. Even the Trip organisers were . I asked the teacher WTF and she said that his mother had paid for the stickers and supplied them. 'I could go to Tescos too if I wanted'. I was at that.
This is similar, to my mind.

Your 3 year old was just being an ordinary 3 year old at her Mum clapping her friend not her (entirely organisers fault).

Your Mum is just a bit soft about your Dd's tears

[MidniteScribbler]

I think the whole thing is crazy. I do end of year awards for my class (we call it the AcadeME Awards, we even have a red carpet). Everyone gets something. All it costs me is some laminating sheets and a couple hours communing with my laminator (and a wine or too), plus they get their end of year gift from me which I make. I couldn't possibly imagine ever considering that the parents would need some sort of input in to paying for it, and I could even less imagine that I'd exclude one child.

[Paintedhandprints]

Yabu to pay for an award! Surely these should be covered in course fees. Surely defeats the point of an award if you can just buy one.
Yanbu to try to fix the poorly managed (by the course group and friends mum) situation which left a 3yo out.
Your mum should mind her own business and get a grip to be honest. She sounds a bit too emotional. How on earth did she manage to raise you without getting upset every time you did?

[WhattodoSue]

You did the right thing, given the circumstances. Definetly. It would have been cruel of the friend to be the only child (in her mind) not to get one. The class organisers should have done it for free because it was their fuck up. And I agree, horrendous that they didn't do it for everyone.

[Nishky]

You are lovely. Your dd is lovely.

[diddl]

"I think my mum was upset because dd was crying. "

Apologies.

I'd misread this as your mum crying also

You did a lovely thing, shame it got spoiled in all the drama, but don't doubt yourself, you didn't screw up.

[Motherinferior78]

Diddl - my mum didn't cry just for the record! Yes I probably do need to get a grip but I was tired and reacted emotionally to bring told off by my mum. Goingtobeswesome I'm glad I'm not the only one - I never used to cry or feel so much guilt until I had children!!! Dd is fine - she was a little bit under the weather which didn't help and she understands now. In fairness she's only 3 and just misunderstood. Am thankful she doesn't do ballet - according to my neighbour, parents get charged far more for ballet rosettes!

[Sevendayweek]

What kind of message is this class giving to the kids???? FFS your 'achievement' is to have a solvent/together/whatever parent. And nothing else????

I'm quite astonished actually. Hardly your fault.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Fuck. I must be hormonal or something but I welled up at the end of your OP. You DID NOT screw up. Your child was upset but she's learnt a lesson (being spontaneously kind, fixing a problem, caring) and will be fine. The other child would have been more upset for longer and thought mummy didn't care if you'd done nothing. Your mum is wrong. You are lovely.