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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is part of being a parent.

56 replies

Cutecat78 · 09/12/2015 18:45

DD is 16, she has two jobs (as well as 6th form) and tonight is one of those jobs Christmas Meal. They are paying for it, she's quite looking forward to it and I am quite proud of how hard she works.

She normally gets the bus to work as its a 20 min drive (1 hour bus journey) and in the middle of nowhere.

She asked me a few days ago if I would collect her from the meal at 10.30 tonight and she would get the bus there, which I agreed as would prefer to drive her as its late and dark and in a country village.

I texted OH (working away not DDs dad) having a bit of a moan about having to go out and get her later and he said tell her to get a cab or give you petrol money. I was a bit HmmShock as I figure while I might grumble about it giving lifts like this occasionally is part and parcel of being a parent.

I think my pissed offness is compounded by the fact that he is currently banned from driving and I have been spending a considerable amount of my time driving him around so he can see his DDs Angry

OP posts:
BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 09/12/2015 19:23

When I was 16 my parents would never of made me take the bus at all in those circumstances. I think they thought that as they sent me to the Catholic school that was a bit further away, they'd drive me about to certain things.

But you did complain so maybe he was trying to offer a solution?

CatMilkMan · 09/12/2015 19:27

I would definitely pick her up as she seems hard working and you should be proud.
I wouldn't be annoyed with someone trying to offer a solution to something I moaned about.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 09/12/2015 19:34

I think you sound like a brilliant mum and are doing the right thing by picking her up on the way back.

But I struggling to understand why you are annoyed at his reaction.
When I first read your OP I thought he was going to have said, unsolicited, that you shouldn't collect her, or whatever, but it was said in response to you moaning. DH always tries to come up with practical solutions to things I moan about, so I don't think it was mean of him.

Is your frustration at him not currently driving (and making you do more as a result) affecting your reaction in this situation?

Anyway well done, your DD is a credit to you!

NewLife4Me · 09/12/2015 19:36

I can see both sides tbh and never ran around after our teenage children.
They worked locally and had to walk or bus and I would never had agreed for them to work in a place they needed lifts.

On the other hand she is working hard and your oh shouldn't expect her to pay for the lift.
I suppose if it's a one off then your oh is BU, but was wrongly trying to sort out your problem of not wanting to go.

Spilose · 09/12/2015 19:42

YABU. You text him morning and he gave you some solutions.

Spilose · 09/12/2015 19:43

Moaning, sorry.

I don't think there's anything wrong with picking her up but don't say yes to just moan about it.

XiCi · 09/12/2015 19:51

I would have driven her both ways tbh, a 20 min drive is nothing so I have no idea why you would be moaning to your Dh about having to do it, it's something I'd do without a second thought.
His reaction, although disgusting, is in response to your moaning so you can't really complain.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/12/2015 19:53

My text said "had long day at work have to go out again later to pick DD up from her work do at 10.30 Sad am so tired xxx"

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 09/12/2015 19:55

You moaned about it!!! He just suggested an alternative or something to make you mind less. If you moan about your dd you can't get all defensive about it when he responds.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/12/2015 19:58

Charging her petrol was not a solution to feeling tired....

OP posts:
GasLIghtShining · 09/12/2015 19:59

NewLife Not sure if I am wrong but I have read the post as she gets herself to and from work but this is the Christmas meal and is different and presumably later than normal work hours.

At 16/17 I would pick my DD up from work a few nights a week at 10pm as I preferred her not to be hanging around waiting for buses. To be honest even when she passed her test I still did it as the walk to the car was worse than waiting for a bus. I used to have a whinge sometimes but it was my decision and part of being a parent

She is 20 now and work shifts now so she drives herself!!

I would have been very tempted to ask him if you should be charging him. Especially since getting banned from driving is self inflicted

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/12/2015 20:04

In my defence I didn't moan to her and she was going to get two buses there but I drove her to the first Grin

I had to go to the other side of town after that to collect 13 yr old DS2.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/12/2015 20:04

Second bus sorry!

OP posts:
NewLife4Me · 09/12/2015 20:11

Gas

My apologies if I came out bit hard, was posting in a rush Thanks

I thought I'd said it was different as a one off.

OP, this is how my dh would be if he thought perhaps I was moaning about something he could easily solve and also because he cares.
We have 2 grown up dc now and he was like this with them a bit because he knew how much we did for them anyway. If that makes sense.
I don't blame you for being mad, I used to but dh assured me he had my best interests at heart.

FWIW my dh is their dad if this makes any difference.

thickgit · 09/12/2015 20:12

Of course you would pick her up.

squiggleirl1 · 09/12/2015 20:19

What an asshole your OH is.

Your daughter is 16. Rather than leaving her get a bus one her own late at night, you were driving to collect her.

Yes you had a moan about being tired and having to go out, but it takes a first class asshole to think a solution to this would be to charge her petrol money. The implication is if she had to pay, she wouldn't ask you to do it, and that all she is doing is just taking advantage of you.

Maybe he should start taking responsibility for how tired you are, given you have to ferry him around to see his children.

The idea that your daughter's safety can just be bought off, along with the fact he's off the road because of penalty points, shows what little regard he has for other people's safety. 1st class asshole.

AyeAmarok · 09/12/2015 20:24

Why can't your OH drive OP?

Of course you should pick your DD up from her Christmas night out if you can, it doesn't sound like she takes the piss with lifts, so stop moaning to your DP and baiting him to say she should get the bus.

On the off chance your DP has been banned from driving for drinking/speeding/dangerous driving etc, then YABVVVU to ferry him about in your car. The point of a ban (in those circumstances) is to be a punishment to the person who committed the crime. Not you. So he should be walking, cycling, or public transport. And all the inconvenience that goes along with it. Not you baling him out.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 09/12/2015 20:25

If I had written that text, I would have been wanting a soothing reply about how tired I was, not alternatives to picking up my child. I think the issue here is communication styles and expectations rather than what either of you wrote, so neither of you wbu, just sightly misunderstood.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 09/12/2015 20:38

My DDad ferried me about all over the place when I was a teen, day and night. Dad's taxi! When he was past being able to drive I ferried him about all over the place day and night, DD's Taxi! I loved my Dad and he loved me. It would not have occurred to either of us to not do it or not want to do it. I would chew my own leg off to pick him up and yak about his day just one more time but he has been gone since 2006. It's part of being a family in my view.

DinosaursRoar · 09/12/2015 20:41

OP - I remember going on one of those management training courses a million years ago and they said that some people - particularly men - when they hear someone else talk about a problem, they instantly start looking for solutions to that problem, assuming that by talking about it, you are looking for a solution. However, many people are aware of all possible options to 'solve' their problem, don't want to do any of them for other reasons, and are often talking about the problem to just have a moan or looking for sympathy/someone to listen. This seemed obvious to me, but all the men treated this like a massive revelation, that you sometimes just listened and said sympathetic things, not offer a solution.

If you are the OP I think you are I remember from another thread, your DP is in the military, so perhaps is even more prone to "looking for a solution to a problem" rather than "tea and sympathy".

You brought him a problem. He gave you a solution. He's missed that what you wanted was a "that's shit, but I'm sure she'll have a great time." or "you're a great mum!" not "this is how you fix this." You might need to spell it out to him that you don't always want a solution if you're having a whinge.

BirdsInMyPants · 09/12/2015 20:43

Hang on a minute - You whinged to him about having to collect DD at 10.30, so he suggested an alternative and now he is being unreasonable?

Fuck me OP you must be bored.

itsmeohlord · 09/12/2015 20:49

I would have definitely got my 16 year olds in your situation without batting an eyelid. My Dad was a fantastic taxi to me and my mates back in the day. 10:30 is not that late and its not like your DD is doing this every week.

A certain amount of taxi service does (IMO) go with the the territory.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/12/2015 21:01

*Today 20:43 BirdsInMyPants

Hang on a minute - You whinged to him about having to collect DD at 10.30, so he suggested an alternative and now he is being unreasonable?

Fuck me OP you must be bored.*

Are you my OH? Smile

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 09/12/2015 21:03

BirdsInMyPants
&
Cutecat78

Could actually work as a partnership if you think about it?
Cats do like chasing birds, whether they're in pants or not Grin

SettlinginNicely · 09/12/2015 21:09

YANBU. Of course you should get your DD. She sounds like a great kid.