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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to speak to DS's friend's mum and the teacher about this?

72 replies

RainWildsGirl · 09/12/2015 17:19

DS is in Y1, about to turn 6yo. He has been best friends with 'Henry' since reception. I get on well with Henry's mum and the boys have had plenty of 'playdates' (hate that term but it does work!) and get on well. both boys have their boisterous moments but I have never had an issue that worried me when I've had them at mine and Henry's mum has never said there has been a problem at their house either.

a new boy 'Josh' started in September. this boy has an awful lot of issues (no SN as far as I know), there have been many incidents of bad behaviour from Josh, swearing, inappropriate games/gestures and he has exposed himself to classmates.

DS said he doesn't play with Josh because, in his words 'he is naughty and does bad things and I don't like him' but it seems Josh has now befriended Henry so by association DS now plays with Josh because, again DS's words 'I want to play with Henry and Henry plays with Josh so I have to play with Josh'. DS has also told me of a couple of occasions of 'Henry was in trouble because Josh told him to do xxxx and he did'.

DS's behaviour has taken a turn at home, rude, aggressive at times. I queried with his teacher at parents evening and she assured me his behaviour in class hasn't altered and he is very good in class. However today I have been called in because DS said 'fuck' in the lunch room. DS says that he was with Henry and Josh and Henry told him to say it so he did. DS has no idea what the word means, it is not in our household vocab, even when the DC and not in earshot, in fact I cant think of anyone the DC spend time with that use the term so I know he cant have picked it up anywhere else. Teacher was fine about it and said that she knew it was completely out of character for him to say something like that and confirmed that when asked DS didn't know what the word meant.

So to the point:

  1. do I speak with Henry's mum and explain what happened so she is aware and can speak with Henry about it? not in an accusatory way as I'm fairly sure the origin of the word will be with Josh, but so she can try and nip this behaviour in the bud.

  2. do I speak to DS's teacher and ask for him to be separated from Josh? I know they are only young but I do not want DS being influenced in this way. DS is very intelligent (that's not just me, he is overachieving on his levels etc) and I don't want him thinking school is for messing about and bad behaviour.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Original poster
RainWildsGirl · 09/12/2015 20:23

fusion I am not demonising him at all. simply stating the facts. I would be less concerned if there hadn't been so many incidents with Josh within the class of behaviour that no 5 year old should be exhibiting. I don't think its unreasonable to be concerned about the impact/effect on DS when he seems to be spending a lot of time with Josh and the change in behaviour and now this incident have been since he started spending time with Josh.

no I don't expect the school to separate them forever, but I was wondering about getting them to monitor them more closely and separate if necessary. they cant be expected to work it all out for themselves ages 5 can they?

anna I appreciate that and have spoken to DS about exactly that this evening.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/12/2015 20:26

I agree. Your son will meet kids with challenging behaviour wherever he goes. How will you save him from them all OP...HOW?!

Original poster
RainWildsGirl · 09/12/2015 20:27

and I'm not dripfeeding. his homelife was only mentioned after other posters mentioned safeguarding concerns - I mentioned it purely to explain that the school are aware of issues at home as well as at school. I didn't mention it in the OP as I wanted thoughts on the actual situation at hand - my feelings about it would be no different if he came from the most 'perfect' family set up going.

OP posts:
needastrongone · 09/12/2015 20:29

Honestly OP, you sound terribly middle class Smile

It's like all the naice kids are not encouraged to play with the naughty ones. How about empathy and friendship and being kind? There would seem to be a lot of issues going on in the poor kids life, I would be encouraging my kids to be kind and inclusive, while understanding that they don't have to behave in the same manner.

sofiahelin · 09/12/2015 20:31

Perfect family set up, what's that?
C'mon they're 5!!!

Domino777 · 09/12/2015 20:32

I think you need to teach your son not to follow silly instructions. He needs to learn to behave well in the face of peer pressure. It's a life skill, a mix of knowing your own mind and having the balls to be different from the crowd. Or he can choose to be a sheep and mindlessly follow the crowd.

needastrongone · 09/12/2015 20:33

You know what, I thought of something as I typed. My niece has befriended the 'naughty' kid in the class, the kid that has witnessed and been subjected to terrible domestic violence and the death of his father and his mum trying her best but somewhat unreliable with a chaotic life. She's just kind to him, she doesn't behave like him.

needastrongone · 09/12/2015 20:34

She's 5, btw.

Domino777 · 09/12/2015 20:36

He will encounter badly behaved people in his journey through life. It's this boy now but it will be someone else in the future. Teach your son to follow his convictions and not to be afraid of being different.

starry0ne · 09/12/2015 20:36

I never go to parents..I always go to the teacher if necessary..It only makes problems

I remember my Ds having swimming lessons with a boy who would mess about and not listen..My Ds would start the lesson well behaved and then deteriorate.. I thought about moving him lessons but I thought it was important my DS learnt it doesn't matter how any other child behaves it is your behaviour that matters.

You also seem to know a lot about what trouble this boy gets in at school..I discourage any of that talk from my DS.. He uses it as a way to make him look better.

Another lesson I taught my DS if it feels wrong it proabably is..

Narp · 09/12/2015 20:36

I agree with many others here. Your son has the supportive homelife to make him able to develop self control, self esteem, and decide for himself what is and is not acceptable behaviour. If it's as bad as you say, then he will work out for himself at some stage whether a friendship with Josh is more trouble than it's worth.

honkinghaddock · 09/12/2015 20:36

The teacher will not separate them unless there is bullying going on.

Narp · 09/12/2015 20:37

'You also seem to know a lot about what trouble this boy gets in at school..I discourage any of that talk from my DS.. He uses it as a way to make him look better'

I agree with that

DixieNormas · 09/12/2015 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RainWildsGirl · 09/12/2015 20:43

Thank you. I will continue to reinforce to DS that he needs to make his own choices about what is good behaviour and what is bad behaviour. and certainly never to repeat things if he doesn't even know what they mean.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/12/2015 20:54

There you go OP. As far as you are concerned, it's not about what Josh is like, it's about what your son did.

Josh didn't say fuck in the lunch room, your son did. That's it. End of incident. Nothing to do with Josh...he didn't say fuck.

Josh (or his persuasion) will pop up again and again. You can't control what the Joshes do or say and nor can you (or should you) hope to keep them away from your son. You've got to teach your son that he alone is responsible for what comes out of his mouth.

eloquent · 09/12/2015 20:59

I'm with fusionconfusion here. Poor kid.

Which is what this little boy is, a child. I think making your son and possibly others stay from this little boy may cause more problems for the kid. He doesn't deserve to be pushed out. Maybe talk to your kid about helping him be kind etc.

I despise this type of thing.

LittleBeautyBelle · 09/12/2015 21:09

OP, Flowers

I think your post was very reasonable. The time to address this little boy's behavior is now before it becomes a worse problem for him, for his own sake as well as the other 5-year-olds in the class.

AnnaMarlowe · 09/12/2015 21:33

But the point Beauty is that it's not for the OP to address 'Josh's' issues.

Her job is to address her son's issues.

Good luck OP, I'm sure your wee boy will be grand.

ShortcutButton · 09/12/2015 21:53

How on earth do you know anything about Josh's home life?

cherrypez · 09/12/2015 23:04

My DS is 11, in Year 6. His best friend, since nursery, is extremely naughty at times. Let's call him Tommy. He can be rude, disruptive and occasionally aggressive. DS is an angel child. He has never been in trouble, not even once, despite being with Tommy constantly. As other posters have pointed out, children need to make their own decisions and choose who to emulate. My DS has done this since the age of 2...yours will too (tbh it sounds like he already is, apart from this incident) and Josh's 'influence' will wane alongside the realisation that his behaviour has consequences your DS doesn't want to experience.
Oh, and in my case, Tommy is the Headteacher's nephew, from a 2 child family, mum and dad happily married, older brother an exemplary student. Doesn't always figure that chaotic home life=badly behaved children. I teach secondary, and it is the kids who can make their own choices rather than run with the pack who keep out of trouble, not the ones with 'desirable' upbringings.

soimpressed · 09/12/2015 23:18

I have seen a similar situation in the school where I work. One mother has told her son not to play with 'the naughty child' but son actually gets on with this child and enjoys playing with him. The child then feels double the guilt if he gets in trouble when playing with 'the naughty child' because his mum has told him not to play with him!

Also, have you any idea how hard it is to stop children playing with each other when they are in the same class? They are in a room with that other child all day and they probably have mutual friends. In my experience telling a child not to play with another one never works.

I think you need to back off a bit and let him learn to sort things out for himself.

tomatotoad · 09/12/2015 23:52

Perhaps josh is actually a lovely kid. Henry certainly seems to like him.
Why are you keeping tabs on how many times his parents are spoken to by the teacher?

kawliga · 10/12/2015 03:35

I feel sorry for Josh :(

I agree with the pp who talked about empathy and compassion and kindness, not teaching your dc to stay away from the troubled child. They are too young to be written off. Would be different if they were teenagers.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 10/12/2015 04:16

The thing is OP I DO understand but you CAN'T expect school to "guard" your DS from "Josh" 100% of the time. At playtime, the staff have all the others to watch too....and yes, you can't expect ALL the children your DC meet to have been brought up with the same moral code as you.

So yes...your DS will have to learn not to say things because other kids tell him to. He'll have to learn to manage situations himself. Even at 5.