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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExMIL criticising my income

64 replies

frillybiscuits · 07/12/2015 19:57

I'm 30 weeks pg and my exMIL has messaged me criticising the fact that I'm going to receive £50 income support a week which will be backdated from when I left work so will be around £500. I'll get the sure start maternity grant soon (£500) for my remaining baby things. I'll also get a fair amount of money from family members for baby (not requested but have been told I'll be given it). So I'll have a lump sum of £2000 come after Christmas. I mentioned it to exOH, we're on good enough terms. I imagine it he told her about it.

She said I should be providing for my own child instead of using the government and family members, and that I should be ashamed of myself. I left full time work at 22 weeks pg due to illness, it being a zero hour contract and health and safety. I can't get maternity leave pay due to that. I'll be going back to work full time when baby is a year old since I'll be a single mother. This woman hasn't bought anything for what is going to be her first grandchild and generally just doesn't care about me or my unborn daughter. Her good for nothing son hasn't bought a damn thing either so I don't know how she expects me to get everything for my child. AIBU to think she doesn't have the right to criticise me?

OP posts:

Original poster

frillybiscuits · 09/12/2015 11:52

I've been at her house in the past where she has shown us drawings that they made for her, acted disgusted and thrown them in the bin. She's only 50 as well. She acts like she's 90 and can't do anything for herself most of the time

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/12/2015 11:52

She's toxic.

Original poster

frillybiscuits · 09/12/2015 11:58

Her behaviour has deeply affected me to the point where I am considering person centred therapy just so I can get everything off of my chest. I fear she has NPD and has trapped her son in a web of emotional incest. Everything was brilliant before we got engaged and her partner died. He kept her at a distance and we were happy together. Now she's lost her boyfriend (who happens to be the man that she cheated on exFIL) my ex is the only one she can use to wait on her hand and foot and financially provide for her, leaving me struggling by myself in a home I can barely afford because we went into the tenancy together

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 09/12/2015 12:04

She said I should be providing for my own child instead of using the government and family members, and that I should be ashamed of myself.

Her SON should provide for HIS own child instead of using the government and YOUR family members. HE should be ashamed of himself.

I mean, really. What an asshole.

CakeMountain · 09/12/2015 12:04

Sounds like the text message is the least of your problems OP.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/12/2015 12:27

That says alot about her. She holds your ex up some pedestal because he's a male and casts away her daughter. I'm guessing since hes the youngest, she still sees him as a baby.

She practically held him hostage. I wouldnt want this nutter in the same county as me and my baby.

JessicasRabbit · 09/12/2015 12:49

my ex is the only one she can use to wait on her hand and foot and financially provide for her, leaving me struggling by myself in a home I can barely afford because we went into the tenancy together

OP, he lets her use him. He is making the choices. As you say, he is an adult. If he wanted you and your baby to be the priority he would make you the priority. He is an absolute scumbag to prioritise his mother while leaving his partner and unborn child to rely on state help.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/12/2015 13:01

My friend had a 10 year relationship with a utter mummies boy. He literally could not make a decision without his mummies opinion.

I said to her, "What will he do when she dies?"

What will your ex do when his mum dies? He'll be probably much lost and lonely and that'd be his choice.

Leelu6 · 09/12/2015 13:15

Your exMIL is out of order. But I still don't understand why you would tell your ex you've got £2k coming to you when you know you'll have difficulty getting him to pay CSA? Surely he's going to think frillybiscuits is sorted.

biggles50 · 09/12/2015 18:07

Forward her msg to your ex, keep a copy of it. What a vile woman, give her a wide berth and have nothing to do with her. Give the baby your surname and try to keep communications going with ex. Am sorry you're going through this.

ChippyOikInTinsel · 09/12/2015 18:16

My xmil was like this. She genuinely believed that anything I did that my x didn't want me to do was awkwardness, badness, selfishness, weirdness, greediness, laziness. She just didn't grasp that I wasn't put on this earth to accommodate all of her son's needs. It was bizarre. Plenty of MILs like her though I think. Thank God she's an xmil

NameChange30 · 09/12/2015 18:31

"I fear she has NPD and has trapped her son in a web of emotional incest. Everything was brilliant before we got engaged and her partner died. He kept her at a distance and we were happy together."

I completely agree with JessicasRabbit. He is making these choices now. If he kept her at a distance before, he is capable of it - he's just choosing not to now. Obviously it's difficult to deal with a toxic, abusive parent, but that's what he's got to do. Unless he cuts her out of his life, I think you and your DD are better off without him.

Is it possible to apply to CMO for child maintenance from the father even if he's not on the birth certificate? Either way I would be tempted not to put him on the birth certificate - as a PP said he can always apply for parental rights later, if (and it's a be if!) he proves himself to be a willing and responsible parent.

OP are you planning to give the baby your surname? Please say you are!

OneMoreCasualty · 09/12/2015 18:40

OP can't put her ex on the birth certificate unless they register the birth together, which i would advise against. So that's easily solved.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/12/2015 18:55

Maybe if her son stepped up to his responsibilities and provided for the mother of his child while you can't work, and for the baby, then you wouldn't have to resort to government funding.
I'd be spelling that out to her clearly. Not very politely.
Some people really do take one's breath away- what a nasty woman she is.

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