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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExMIL criticising my income

64 replies

frillybiscuits · 07/12/2015 19:57

I'm 30 weeks pg and my exMIL has messaged me criticising the fact that I'm going to receive £50 income support a week which will be backdated from when I left work so will be around £500. I'll get the sure start maternity grant soon (£500) for my remaining baby things. I'll also get a fair amount of money from family members for baby (not requested but have been told I'll be given it). So I'll have a lump sum of £2000 come after Christmas. I mentioned it to exOH, we're on good enough terms. I imagine it he told her about it.

She said I should be providing for my own child instead of using the government and family members, and that I should be ashamed of myself. I left full time work at 22 weeks pg due to illness, it being a zero hour contract and health and safety. I can't get maternity leave pay due to that. I'll be going back to work full time when baby is a year old since I'll be a single mother. This woman hasn't bought anything for what is going to be her first grandchild and generally just doesn't care about me or my unborn daughter. Her good for nothing son hasn't bought a damn thing either so I don't know how she expects me to get everything for my child. AIBU to think she doesn't have the right to criticise me?

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 07/12/2015 20:34

Your child's father - her son needs to providing for his child. Block and disengage.Once baby is here start the CSM process.

CassieBearRawr · 07/12/2015 20:34

"I just wish I didn't draw the short straw when it comes to PIL's"

You drew the short straw when it came to partners too, don't deflect his shitty behaviour onto them just because they also behave in a shitty manner. Be glad he's an ex, the whole lot sound awful.

Focus on you and your daughter and stop including them. Keep the avenues of communication and contact open for your daughter's sake, for sure, but that doesn't mean including them in a damn thing otherwise.

JapaneseSlipper · 07/12/2015 20:35

Honestly, I'm stunned at some of the stuff I read on here.

Of course she doesn't have a right to criticise you. This child will be wonderful but will also seriously affect your ability to earn an income. What a ridiculous thing of her to say - you were right to block her, should refuse to see her ever again, and she is the one who should be ashamed.

FanFuckingTastic · 07/12/2015 20:37

The two most important things to say to her about this right now? Fuck and Off!

Or maybe a politer - I don't see how my income is of any business to you, perhaps a closer look at your son's behaviour would be more appropriate.

And flip the bird behind her back.

Baconyum · 07/12/2015 20:38

Good you blocked her! Also if I were in your position I'd be speaking to cms asap to find out the earliest you can start claim and yes let him pay for paternity test cheeky bastard!

FanFuckingTastic · 07/12/2015 20:43

And to reassure you: I couldn't work due to illness with my daughter, whose father also left and made life difficult. I'd just lost my Granny and the job I'd managed finally to get because I was pregnant, and was moving home with only myself, my mother and my toddler to help.

And even though it was difficult, and I was angry at him for letting her down, those next couple of years were absolutely the best of my life so far. There is a lot of nice stuff when you parent alone, so it sort of balances out the shitty stuff.

Lynnm63 · 07/12/2015 20:50

Tell her if your son was paying his way I wouldn't need income support but he's not so you do.
Or more succinctly if you'd wanted her opinion you'd have asked for it so tell her to jog on and go stir her cauldron.

BonitaFangita · 07/12/2015 21:11

Well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree there does it? WTF is it to do with her, if she was any kind of a mother and had raise a man instead of a mummy's boy then you would need benefits to pay for her grandchild's care.
Sorry to sound so harsh, I was raised by a single mother and feckless fathers piss me off more than anything.
Good luck Frilly. I hope he sees sense and becomes the father your child deserves. But if you need to, you can do this without him and your child will love you all the more for it Flowers

Babyroobs · 07/12/2015 21:36

It has nothing to do with her. Your ex should be providing for his child.

intothebreach · 07/12/2015 21:46

Just concentrate on what you have to do to build a happy life for you and your child.

This will probably include ignoring everything your ex-MIL says and does Flowers

Dipankrispaneven · 07/12/2015 21:49

Tell her she should be thoroughly ashamed of herself for having raised a son who hasn't got the decency to pay for his own child.

Iggi999 · 07/12/2015 22:06

Congratulations on your pg Flowers

Damselindestress · 07/12/2015 22:06

I'd be tempted to tell her that the reason you need help from the state and family members is that her son isn't contributing anything and ask why doesn't the advice to support your own child apply to him too? What a sexist double standard! Don't tell your ex anything personal again, especially about finances. It might make him think he doesn't need to pull his finger out and pay his share.

HermioneWeasley · 07/12/2015 22:09

Block and ignore.

And tell your exDP to do one too.

MammaTJ · 07/12/2015 22:20

I would unblock her for long enough to tell her that her son should be providing for the baby and would be if it weren't for her stirring and him being stupid and gullible enough to believe her! Hope she's proud of herself.

Then block her before she can reply to piss her right off!

TheTigerIsOut · 07/12/2015 22:32

Ok... from a practical point of view, you have two options:

  • Bit the bullet and let these arse and his mother move out (permanently) from your life and that of your child. If they really are that bad, you will be much better off if they bugger off.
  • You don't need to pay for a paternity test, the only thing you need to do is to contact CMO (previously CSA) and apply for Child Maintenance. If he says the baby is not his, they will ask him to do a DNA test, if he refuses, they will assume the baby is his.

Personally, if the guy doesn't earn much (you will only get a maximum of 15% of his net salary), I would let him go away in exchange of being allowed to raise my child on my own, in peace and without an abusive figure in the background.

BalloonSlayer · 07/12/2015 22:49

"Yes you're right, I shouldn't be relying on the state and family members. I should be relying on the baby's father. Oh wait, that's your wonderful son isn't it? The one who hasn't contributed a single penny towards his own child? What a Prince. Why don't you have a go at him that he has made me need to rely on the state?"

PoppyAutumnScarlettRuby · 07/12/2015 23:04

Your ex is an enmeshed mummy boy who needs to grow up and accept responsibility. Mummy is clearly pulling all the strings and he is nothing more than her puppet.

Is he likely to want to rekindle the relationship once it is proven to be his child? It seems so odd that a man in a relationship and actively trying to conceive would then do a u turn on the say so of mummy.

You are clearly better off alone and so is your child.

Good luck

ChippyOikInTinsel · 09/12/2015 10:53

Yes, agree with balloon slayer's comment. my x and his awful mother seemed to think that if I didn't willingly, happily (with dignity and pride) accept 100% of the financial responsibility, I was a grasping.

I do agree that if he doesn't earn very much, the freedom of not having him and his mother attempt to control your every decision is probably worth more than the pittance you'd be awarded. But it does depend on a lot of factors.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/12/2015 11:26

Ignore her. Not really a position many would choose to be in.

Dont pay for any test. He doubts it, he can pay for it.
Certainly dont let him go on the birth cerficate. If he grows up, he can go to court to get parental responsibility.

JessicasRabbit · 09/12/2015 11:27

It seems so odd that a man in a relationship and actively trying to conceive would then do a u turn on the say so of mummy.

Not that odd - it happened to me. We were ttc and the wedding was 7 weeks away. She just kept upping the ante until he gave in to her. I am well rid of her and her poison, as well as being free from a man-child who couldn't say no to mummy.

OP, I agree with others that if your ex doesn't earn much and you have family to help you with practicalities (like babysitting so you can have some nights out etc) you might be much better off long term without these people in your life.

Original poster
frillybiscuits · 09/12/2015 11:28

Thank you for the responses. I'm not having her in my life if he is eventually going to be. Her partner died of cancer suddenly recently and I think she is using it to guilt trip him to stay with her. It sounds horrible but she made a scene about him dying before they could get married because then she can't get his pension. Really really awful woman. She is very controlling and has done so many batshit things. My partner accidentally overdosed on prescription medication and ended up in hospital in a coma for 3 weeks. His mum didn't tell me anything about this and just ignored me. I was 12 weeks pg at the time, I believed he was dead and was close to aborting our daughter because of it. She took him back to hers after he was discharged and wouldn't let him out. He was begging me to help him so I had to get the police involved in the end to go round and talk to her and get him home

He came to visit me yesterday to talk about things and she followed him. He had to lie to her about where he was going so she'd let him out of the house. He is an adult and it's a truly fucked up situation. I'm thinking an injunction may be in order Sad

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/12/2015 11:37

WTF does it hsvd to do with thatnosy bat . You damn well claim what you need to for your baby. I despise benefit bashers. Also she has the front and audacity to critique your income and you're on here saying. "You'll have to go down the CSA route because her precious son will not contribute voluntary to the baby. I think she needs to aim her contempt in a different direction. Perhaps if he put his hand in his pocket to support the child he's helped to create. You wouldn't need to be claiming these benefits, shes so against.
Oh congratulations

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/12/2015 11:41

Fucking hell. She followed him?

Love, seriously fucking run and never look back. If your baby turned out to be a boy, I imagine she'd be so much worse.

Does she have other kids.

Original poster
frillybiscuits · 09/12/2015 11:49

She has a daughter that's bit older who has step children (can't have kids of her own). They don't have much contact. Her and her husband have full custody of his kids. ExMIL said that she hates them and when I suggested to my ex that they move in with her after her partner died as she has a big house he said she wouldn't be able to cope because they 'annoy her'. They're 5 and 7 year old boys ffsHmm

OP posts:
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