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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to actually celebrate christmas?

71 replies

LyonRoar · 07/12/2015 15:49

To cut a long story short, my 15yo BIL (who lives with us) hates christmas. In previous years we have kept it relatively low key - presents not wrapped, tiny tree, no christmas dinner, nothing in December etc.

However, this year my eldest is 4. He is at school so is more and more away of what christmas should be like and is really excited about it this year and so I want to do a 'proper' christmas day, with dinner, wrapped presents, a big tree, lots of decorations, christmas songs etc. DP doesn't and thinks IABU as he thinks it will upset BIL. I think BIL is old enough to be told that while we know he won't enjoy it, its for one day, and for the boys, and he doesn't have to join in.

We have been doing stuff so far in December that we would not normally do anyway (advent calendars, christmas markets etc) and while BIL hasn't joined in, he hasn't been too upset about the whole thing either, so I think he will be OK on the day.

So IABU for wanting christmas for my boys?

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 08/12/2015 07:22

OPs kids aren't missing out on one day.

Firstly it's Christmas Day. Not just an average day. It's something their friends at school celebrate. Not being a part of it, especially for kids, is very difficult.

And Christmas really isn't one day is it? It's the lead up to the actual day that many many people enjoy. The decoratations, cards and wrapping presents, Christmas days out.

Yes the BIL has missed out on much more, or course he has. But why does that have to impact the children. How does it actually make anyone feel better, in the long run?

What if the BIL is still there in five years? And the children resent him for not being able to have a proper Christmas?

winterswan · 08/12/2015 07:25

That's why I agree it needs addressing. It was some of the comments about a fifteen year old who appears to have lost more in his life than many will lose in a lifetime.

Christmas isn't just presents and excitement: dawns post illustrates it is also about what you haven't got

BlueMoonRising · 08/12/2015 07:36

Sometimes, therapy for older kids that have had a poor start involves doing things with then that they missed out on when they were younger, even if it seems childish and far too young for them.

Done sensitively, this could be really good for him. Try and get him involved with everything - in the same way that your 4yo is. Get him making Christmas decorations, make sure he has a stocking and wrapped gifts. If he doesn't want to partake, that's OK, don't force it, don't get upset because you've 'don't this for him' - this probably won't be easy for him. Be gentle and kind and recreate Christmas for your family.

That's my feelings on the matter anyway.

josephwrightofderby · 08/12/2015 07:45

I can see both sides of this. My mother has grave issues over Christmas, and will often sit staring at the wall and refusing to speak to anyone for days at a time. This goes back to traumatic memories she had as a child. I think it is a time of year that can provoke very, very strong reactions.

I would sit your BIL down and explain to him that you'd like to give the children a bit more of a Christmassy time this year. Tell him that he's free to participate, or not to participate, as he wishes, and that he's very welcome to join in but you understand if he doesn't want to. Maybe encourage him to get involved with your child's excitement, and do a few child-like things for him too (I like the idea of a stocking) but also arrange something alternative for him - a lot of cinemas are now open Christmas day, and if he has a friend who wants to get out of their family Christmas for a while (and for a 15 year old, this may sound like manna from heaven) you could pay for them both to catch a movie.

BlackeyedSusan · 08/12/2015 07:47

My dad hated christmas due to his difficult upbringing. result: I hated christmas because he was grumpy and cross. it has taken celebrating christmas with my dcs to help with the bad memories. I think it will help him to do a celebration in a different house and star overwriting some of th memories. he is perpetuating the bad christmases by not celebrating. now.

chillycurtains · 08/12/2015 07:53

That's a sad situation that his own childhood was spoilt. I would talk to him about the fact that you are going to make Christmas special for your younger children but that you understand it's hard for him. I would also ask for his help in doing this so that he feels part of it. Be mindful of him feeling like he is excluded as he has issues with his past. I would imagine it will stir up sad memories of what he felt he missed out on in his own childhood when watching your DC. That is no reason to not do it but just ask him to help out.

wannabestressfree · 08/12/2015 07:56

My cousin was killed on Christmas eve aged 2 and I still celebrate Christmas.
My father was an abusive man who lurched between mania and aggression from December the 1st onwards but we still celebrate.
I just do my own quiet thing with my children. Pretending its not happening is not the way forward and damaging to your own children. I agree with the sitting down with him thing and make your own memories....

Djelibeyb · 08/12/2015 08:05

Talk to him. He is old enough to understand. Tell him why you want to do Christmas. Let him talk to you about his past Christmas if he needs. Involve him and focus on how you as a family (which includes him) can make things special for the kids. Shift the focus onto them.

fuzzpig · 08/12/2015 08:12

Poor thing :( I agree with those who've said it could be good for him to start seeing Christmas as a positive thing.

I would definitely discuss it with him in advance, and just say that he can join in with what he wants. I guess it could sound patronising, but maybe there is some special job he could have to help make it magical for his little nephews. He may be happier if it's just doing something for them.

Lottapianos · 08/12/2015 08:25

Dawn Donna, that's a heartbreaking post. Christmas is an utterly miserable time of year for some, and its clearly something that OP's BIL is struggling with.

That said, you should absolutely do Christmas for your children. Discuss your plans with BIL and give him some choices about what he gets involved in. Try to include some things that you know he will enjoy. It will take time of course but hopefully you can help to build some positive Christmas memories for him. I really feel for him - he must be feeling very lonely and isolated at this time of year.

Krampus · 08/12/2015 08:26

My eldest is nearly 15 and whilst he looks and acts maturely most of the time, he's still a tangled ball of toddler / child / adult inside. I couldn't imagine him having to cope with ptsd, your por bil.

Having said that he is old enough to reason with and discuss how you can all deal with Christmas. Would it help if he's given some level of responsibility and control over the festive period.

We always do a big cinema trip on Christmas eve folowed by a meal out. It's a none Christmas movie like The Hobbit, this year Star Wars. I like the idea of seeing if the cinema is open on Christmas Day. Our local ice skating rink has free sessions on Christmas Day, it may be worth looking if you have a dry ski slope or rink near by. An activity that involves being a little active and getting out of the house but is still slightly festive.

scarlets · 08/12/2015 08:35

I think that you should celebrate it, but discuss your reasons with him first. At 15, he's old enough to empathise with his young siblings. Tell him that if he feels low at any point he can talk to you or DH about it. Ask him if there's anything specific he'd like to do over the festive period (cinema, bowling, having a mate/girlfriend over for takeaway etc) and facilitate it.

You sound lovely, btw. Merry Christmas!

Russellgroupserf · 08/12/2015 08:48

YANBU wanting to celebrate Christmas but this poor child needs therapy and whilst hiding from the things that scare or traumatise us reinforces them DC like this need professional help.

I think you need to discuss it with him but give him the option of going to his room when he needs to on Christmas Day so he can get away from it when he feels overwhelmed. That is just my idea I'm no professional.

I was at a birthday party with DS when he was about six and the birthday girl had an absolute melt down. She was fostered and the birthday candles on the cake caused it as her Mother had deliberately burnt her with candles. Her foster Mother felt awful but this little girl had never told her specifically about this. This child is now a teenager and doing quite well, she always says hello to me when out walking her dog. The foster carer ended up adopting her.

Maybe call Young Minds for advice? They are a children's mental health charity.

ohtheholidays · 08/12/2015 09:04

I thought you were going to say that your BIL had special needs,we have 5DC,2 of our DC are autistic.I know it's hard but honestly if our 2DC didn't want to celebrate Christmas we'd have to find away of still celebrating as it wouldn't be fair on they're 3 siblings that aren't disabled.

I do understand,Christmas when I was growing up was always the one day I was sure to spend crying my little heart out and the build up towards was just as bad as well.Christmas just seemed to bring out the worst in my parents sadly.

But I do love Christmas,despite what my childhood was like I've worked really hard to make sure Christmas is never the same for my children.I started to enjoy Christmas when I was 18 and I'd moved out,I didn't have any children then either so not that much older than your BIL.

Another thing that would worry me is your children are growing up and the non Christmas could affect your children's relationships in the future with they're Uncle,your BIL.If he moves out when he's 21 that's another 6 years of no Christmasses.Your oldest would be 10.It would be such a shame for them to not have a great relationship when they're older because what's a big part of alot of Childrens lifes Christmas would never have been allowed to happen in your childrens young childhood.

The thing is if you let this carry on Christmas will never be able to be an enjoyable time for your BIL,it's not only now if this carrys on it could affect any future relationships he has,any children he goes onto have.He might meet someone and fall in love and that person might be able to deal with the not celebrating Christmas with the one they love the most but a few years down the line and they've had children then that could become a deal braker for them and your poor BIL could end up loosing a marriage/serious relationship and his children.

That would be a great shame,the rest of his life could become dictated by the childhood he had.I know how that feels it's soul destroying,deep inside there's still a part of me that's still that lonely,frightened,abused and neglected little girl but that little girl has got a lot stronger and happier over the years.
You need to help your BIL so that he can help himself.
Otherwise the not having Christmas for your children could throw up some of the same problems in the future for your children that your BIL went through in the past.

OSETmum · 08/12/2015 09:49

I think, with the age of your children, now is a great time to start gently building up to a 'normal' Christmas. Sometimes, when children have missed out on a milestone in their childhood, it can help to have that opportunity later than usual. I'm not saying you should treat him like your 4 year old but things like doing him a stocking (obviously he'd know it was from you) and encouraging him to 'help' the younger dcs with the odd activity might help make some good memories for him. Also, if you get his favourite foods and drinks in he'd be hard pushed not consume them!

I agree that by just ignoring Christmas you would be setting him up for future problems when he has his own family.

TeaFathers · 08/12/2015 10:09

Dawndonnaagain - I think you're being unfair.

they can't even have a christmas dinner! and "nothing in december". the other kids are not allowed unwrap presents!
would you be happy with that Dawn and winterswan? really? can you honestly put your hand on your heart and say you would be willing to accommodate a no christmas every year?
clearly the OP is not happy with this imposed omerta otherwise she'd not have posted.
this child needs to learn about compromise and consideration for others.

winterswan · 08/12/2015 13:48

I didn't state that I would be having a no Christmas every year; and neither did Dawndonna - we both said the opposite but from a point that sympathised with rather than scored the teenagers position.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 08/12/2015 14:08

Op I thought there would be a back story, I can see why it might have such negative connotations for him, if he has been hurt and let down.

i would ease him into it, build up his trust. go gently....do small things, and build up from there.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 08/12/2015 14:10

I think some of these posts are very short sighted and overlook how painful this time of year can be to some.

^ understatement of year.

whats wrong with people!

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2015 14:22

this child needs to learn about compromise and consideration for others. And the best way to teach that is through modelling.

Not one person has said, 'carry on with no Christmas'. It's how you start celebrating that is important.

Dawndonnaagain · 08/12/2015 14:25

they can't even have a christmas dinner! and "nothing in december". the other kids are not allowed unwrap presents!
would you be happy with that Dawn and winterswan? really? can you honestly put your hand on your heart and say you would be willing to accommodate a no christmas every year?
Do try reading the thread properly. I didn't suggest that at all.

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