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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to actually celebrate christmas?

71 replies

LyonRoar · 07/12/2015 15:49

To cut a long story short, my 15yo BIL (who lives with us) hates christmas. In previous years we have kept it relatively low key - presents not wrapped, tiny tree, no christmas dinner, nothing in December etc.

However, this year my eldest is 4. He is at school so is more and more away of what christmas should be like and is really excited about it this year and so I want to do a 'proper' christmas day, with dinner, wrapped presents, a big tree, lots of decorations, christmas songs etc. DP doesn't and thinks IABU as he thinks it will upset BIL. I think BIL is old enough to be told that while we know he won't enjoy it, its for one day, and for the boys, and he doesn't have to join in.

We have been doing stuff so far in December that we would not normally do anyway (advent calendars, christmas markets etc) and while BIL hasn't joined in, he hasn't been too upset about the whole thing either, so I think he will be OK on the day.

So IABU for wanting christmas for my boys?

OP posts:
Asheth · 07/12/2015 16:48

Sounds like your BIL has had a tough time and it's lovely that you've given him a home and are sensitive to his feelings. I think you need to talk to him about which bits of Christmas he's comfortable with and which not.

For example Christmas dinner is just a fancy roast dinner, so no reason why it should be a problem. He doesn't have to wear a silly hat or pull a cracker if he doesn't want to, but perhaps he'd be happy to take photos of your DC.

With presents you can wrap them up for your DC, but ask him if he wants his wrapped up.

Let him know it's ok to escape Christmas by going for a walk or going to his room, but that you'll be really pleased when he does want to join you.

manamanah · 07/12/2015 16:55

YANBU, but very good for altering your plans in previous years. Is he someone you can talk to? Perhaps explain that you want your son to have happy Christmas memories? He probably also needs to learn that the rest of the world won't pander to this and he has a lifetime of people sending cards/arranging parties etc.

RabbitSaysWoof · 07/12/2015 16:59

Have you spoke to the BIL about how he feels? It sounds like he is quietly observing or avoiding, but your dp is treating him like he is made of glass.
I actually think it's dp you need to speak with more. Maybe BIL has an ok attitude, as you say he hasn't shown upset. Is DP being over sensitive on he's behalf?

LagunaBubbles · 07/12/2015 17:05

I dont think a 15 year old is "ruling the roost", I think this is about your DHs reaction to. And his apparent willingness to put his brothers feelings above his own childrens. Your BIL is still a child to - and as much as he associates Christmas with trauma and horrible memories, this is the past and not his present. But for him to have experienced it so bad in the past that he now doesnt live with his Mum it must seem like the memories are still in the present.

He has to "relearn" about what being part of a "normal" family means, he clearly has difficulties with the boundaries of normal attachments based on his experiences growing up in the family he did. I feel so sorry for him but yet also understand your position OP to. I find the lack of understanding from some posters here towards what he must have went through as child depressing. without justifying his behaviour at all - although the OP hasnt actually said he is doing any "bad" behaviour so where posters get "grumpy stroppy teen" from Im not sure!

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/12/2015 17:07

YANBU at all. Celebrate Christmas and enjoy everything that goes with it. Your bil is still very young, a child still really. He had a bad experience...he deserves the loving, secure Christmas he never had as a little boy. Be sure to treat him as you treat your children and include him in the planning and goings on. Maybe he can see that things don't always have to continue being bad. The only good way out of this is to build up good Christmas memories and other experiences, let him have a bit of second young childhood to make up for the horrible one he had. Good luck xoxo

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/12/2015 17:07

YANBU at all. Celebrate Christmas and enjoy everything that goes with it. Your bil is still very young, a child still really. He had a bad experience...he deserves the loving, secure Christmas he never had as a little boy. Be sure to treat him as you treat your children and include him in the planning and goings on. Maybe he can see that things don't always have to continue being bad. The only good way out of this is to build up good Christmas memories and other experiences, let him have a bit of second young childhood to make up for the horrible one he had. Good luck xoxo

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/12/2015 17:07

YANBU at all. Celebrate Christmas and enjoy everything that goes with it. Your bil is still very young, a child still really. He had a bad experience...he deserves the loving, secure Christmas he never had as a little boy. Be sure to treat him as you treat your children and include him in the planning and goings on. Maybe he can see that things don't always have to continue being bad. The only good way out of this is to build up good Christmas memories and other experiences, let him have a bit of second young childhood to make up for the horrible one he had. Good luck xoxo

LagunaBubbles · 07/12/2015 17:07

I dont think a 15 year old is "ruling the roost", I think this is about your DHs reaction to. And his apparent willingness to put his brothers feelings above his own childrens. Your BIL is still a child to - and as much as he associates Christmas with trauma and horrible memories, this is the past and not his present. But for him to have experienced it so bad in the past that he now doesnt live with his Mum it must seem like the memories are still in the present.

He has to "relearn" about what being part of a "normal" family means, he clearly has difficulties with the boundaries of normal attachments based on his experiences growing up in the family he did. I feel so sorry for him but yet also understand your position OP to. I find the lack of understanding from some posters here towards what he must have went through as child depressing. without justifying his behaviour at all - although the OP hasnt actually said he is doing any "bad" behaviour so where posters get "grumpy stroppy teen" from Im not sure!

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/12/2015 17:09

YANBU at all. Celebrate Christmas and enjoy everything that goes with it. Your bil is still very young, a child still really. He had a bad experience...he deserves the loving, secure Christmas he never had as a little boy. Be sure to treat him as you treat your children and include him in the planning and goings on. Maybe he can see that things don't always have to continue being bad. The only good way out of this is to build up good Christmas memories and other experiences, let him have a bit of second young childhood to make up for the horrible one he had. Good luck xoxo

lessthanBeau · 07/12/2015 17:12

Ffs, so you haven't tried giving him nice Xmas memories from the age of 10 or 11, as you say previous years you've kept it low key for him! So he's been ruling the roost and ruining everyones Xmas as long as he's lived with you? You should have nipped this in the bud years ago when he first arrived. I'm assuming here he doesn't have special needs or anything? I m blaming you for not dealing with this sooner, and yanbu to start celebrating this year for your boys. Have a lovely day opGrin, and before anyone gets on my case for writing Xmas, don't bother I couldn't give a flying one! Xmas Grin

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/12/2015 17:15

sorry for the many postings! didn't mean to.

SauvignonBlanche · 07/12/2015 17:38

Poor kid Xmas Sad
Have you tried talking to him about it?

diddl · 07/12/2015 17:40

If his mum didn't "do" Christmas it does seem odd that he has wanted to carry on in that vein.

Perhaps he is worried that it will be a disappointment & I think he is of the age where it could well be if it is built up too much for him.

GoEasyPudding · 07/12/2015 18:21

You could explain to him that Christmas happens no matter what and he is also not alone in not being keen on it but the magic trick is making it your own.

The new Star Wars film is out before Christmas- that's an example of a Christmas outing/treat that many grown ups will be counting in as a special thing to do this year.

Just help him work out what he might like about it. Loads of sweets in his stocking? Chocolate log for pudding instead of xmas pud? and so on. Trendy wrapping paper instead of kiddi themed santa stuff....

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2015 01:41

a 15 year old ruling the roost in some else's house? Not really his fault he doesn't have a home and has to live in someone else's house. Sad Poor kid. And 'obscene' really is over-egging the pudding.

Make some new traditions with him.

Senpai · 08/12/2015 02:58

I think I remember the backstory to him from a previous thread.

If I remember correctly he also has PTSD or something along those lines, which if you're the same OP as the other thread changes this just a bit.

Give him a heads up, and give him the option to not participate. If he doesn't want to unwrap gifts, just leave his unwrapped. But at 15, that's old enough to learn how to make compromises and to figure out how to walk away if he's upset.

sashh · 08/12/2015 05:00

So IABU for wanting christmas for my boys?

YANBU not unreasonable at all.

I don't do Xmas - but I don't inflict my non celebration on others (except on here when atheists are accused of celebrating Xmas).

If I was in your house I would suck it up, in fact with young children I would probably be buying presents.

Although my liking to teach 'equality and diversity' would entail them having their shoes filled at Nicklaus and getting more presents for Orthodox Xmas in January and an explanation of Hanukkah (complete with small gifts or money).

Bloody hell I'm a nightmare

Enjolrass · 08/12/2015 05:12

I feel for your BIL, he hasn't a good start.

But, that's no reason to not have Christmas. It is not fair that your kids miss out (as BIL did) because BIL doesn't like it.

He can't escape Christmas. It will be everywhere, especially as he gets older.

It's also good for him to start celebrating Christmas. Start giving him good memories and hopefully eventually this time of year will hold happy memories not bad.

Your DH is bu and really unfair on your children. I understand he is worried about BIL though.

I would tell dh this can't carry on. Him and BIL can't avoid everything and effect other people forever.

Speak to BIL and tell him what you are doing. You do to have to go all out this year. Slowly build it up.

I really can't see that BIL would want his nephew to grow up without Christmas like he did, for his own benefit.

TooSassy · 08/12/2015 05:24

I agree with all the posters that he needs to face this now and get coping mecanisms in place.

Whatever has gone on in the past is not going to miraculously disappear from his life so he kind of needs to deal with it (with family support) so it isn't this huge issue in his life.

Talk to him gently. Does he adore your DC? (I imagine he does), then just explain that he has a chance to help create wonderful Christmas memories for a future generation....including himself.

YANBU OP and how lovely that you've given this child a home.

MTWTFSS · 08/12/2015 05:53

Couldn't you find a compromise...

Instead of decorating the entire house, just decorate one room.
Instead of wrapping all the gifts, just wrap gifts for DS.
Instead of a big tree, why not have one 3ft? etc

My DS is 4 this year and we are doing much more than we did last year so YANBU to want the same for your son.

DoreenLethal · 08/12/2015 06:41

I have to say if you don't nip this in the bud now, and try and give him some good memories, he will just inflict this on his own family for the rest of his life.

Dawndonnaagain · 08/12/2015 07:01

how you can let a 15 year old grump dictate how christmas is spent in your house is beyond me.
sorry he's had a hard time, but he needs a good kick up the arse. so does your DH.
i realise i sound harsh, but i really hate horseshit like this.
I think you're being unfair. I hated Christmas until I had children of my own. It was the worst day of the year. It was the day she'd cook, about the only one really, which put her in a worse mood than usual because it had to be perfect. I knew that my hands would be sore and bloody by the end of the day after all the washing, cleaning, scrubbing I had to do, midwinter and psoriasis, not fun. Have you any idea what it's like to watch everyone else open their presents knowing you're going to get fuck all? Watching everyone else eat their Christmas dinner knowing how much trouble you're going to get into if you have too many potatoes but not knowing how many is too many so that you're hungry, but scared to eat much? Hearing everyone else play the boardgames whilst you do all the cleaning and preparing for the later food? I was ten ffs. It went on until I was sixteen and had left. Oh, and then I was told I could go home for Christmas if I wanted to, providing I came after dinner and helped with the washing up. So, your horseshit is hell for somebody else.

Dawndonnaagain · 08/12/2015 07:02

Having said all that, Lyon, I do think that many posters are right and that discussing things and getting some good and positive memories in place is a good thing.

winterswan · 08/12/2015 07:08

I agree with Dawndonna and I think some of these posts are very short sighted and overlook how painful this time of year can be to some. Even without further detail from the OP, did it take a genius to work out that a fifteen year old living with his older brother and his family might just be there for a reason, and that reason was almost certainly traumatic?

OPs children are potentially missing out on one day: this child (and fifteen is very much a child) is missing out on a lot more, I can assure you!

That said, I agree the trick here is to get him on side and make him part of making it a special day - but if he still decides to opt out, let him.

Mehitabel6 · 08/12/2015 07:13

I think it was handled wrongly with BIL in the first place.
I would involve him in the preparations and get him on side to make it lovely for his nephew.