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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my friend her new boyfriend and pregnancy

29 replies

emilybrontescorset · 06/12/2015 19:15

I'm a long time lurker.

I have a friend I'll call her Amy.

We get on well and tell each other most things.

Met up with her yesterday and was shocked about what she told me.

She has a son who is 1. Her and the dad split up. I like him and am still friends/acuainted with him through another long time friend.
She is expecting again and the dad and her are not together.
She has a (very) new partner she is very early on in her pregnancy.

Now I know she has introduced her new man lets call him Alan, to her child fair enough.
I was a bit cats bum mouth when she told me he was sleeping over but what has shocked me is that the name she had chosen for her unborn child is Alan as a middles name. She said it would be in respect of him because he will be bringing the baby up as his own.

If it's a girl then the middle name will be the same as Alan's mum.
She then said her mum was upset because she would prefer the baby to gave either her name or my friends dads.
My friend said I know their not happy, they weren't happy when her first child was named after her now ex and his dad.

The child is no longer in contact with his dad yet carries his fist name, dads name and surname.
Sorry thus is long.

I just feel she is making a mistake.
To add perspective she can have a tendency to jump straight in as far as men go.
She was engaged in the summer to a different guy. He left her accusing her of cheating which even though she denied it Im not too sure.

I know it's not my business but surely it's not right to name a child after someone you've just met who is not the dad.

I really like her mum and dad so maybe I feel it's wrong on their behalf.

Aibu

OP posts:
rainydaygrey · 06/12/2015 19:17

She can name her baby what she likes though.

I agree there seem to be some issues there but it's her decision.

Goingtobeawesome · 06/12/2015 19:18

YANBU but you will be told to keep your nose out and it is none of your business.

I think it sounds like she's desperate for a man to stick around and thinks Alan will if the baby is named after him.

Osolea · 06/12/2015 19:20

Sounds like she's just desperate to form an attachment with one man or another and is hoping that by naming children after her current man that he'll also feel attached and then stick around. I'd feel sorry for her in your position.

Wagglebees · 06/12/2015 19:20

Maybe Alan will have gone by the time the baby is here.

Wagglebees · 06/12/2015 19:22

I hope he hasn't obviously! I just mean it's not something to be concerned about at this early stage. She might change her mind. It's her choice though and the baby having the name of someone who might not be around isn't really that bad is it?

winterswan · 06/12/2015 19:23

I think the names are the least of the problems.

Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 06/12/2015 19:24

Yes I know it's really worrying me but I know it's her choice.

The thing is she was laughing when she revealed the girls middle name because it is so obviously named after someone, if you get my drift and this woman , who can barley know my friend is no relation to the child.

I just think if your going to name a child after someone rather than pick a name you like, which by her laughing and nodding her head, I know she is doing , then at least ensure it is actually a relative and someone who the child will know.

She had also chosen another girls name, before she met this new man and when I asked her why not that name, she said because Alan doesn't like that name.

OP posts:
AliceInUnderpants · 06/12/2015 19:29

I guess I should be grateful that I don't know people like this, other than what I've seen on JK.

Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 06/12/2015 19:29

I haven't met the new guy so maybe will feel more at ease when I do and yes there is no guarantee he will stick around. Just feel she might regret her choices if he doesn't stick around.

Her parents will be her parents forever.

I'm still her friend and don't usually make any comment other than aw that's nice when someone tells me their baby's name.

Hope my face didn't give too much away, the girls name is not one I would choose neither would she in other circumstances but hey ho.

OP posts:
gobbin · 06/12/2015 20:30

Hey ho indeed, there's nothing much else you can do or say.
She sounds like she's got a very poor grip on action/consequence in any case, so any wise words given on your part would probably be wasted.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/12/2015 20:40

She sounds like a twat but it's her funeral.

girlguide123 · 06/12/2015 21:38

I agree with winterswan - the new baby's middle name is the least of her problems.

Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 06/12/2015 21:56

Ok thanks for all your replies.

Wasn't sure if this was quite normal, glad to find out I'm not being ridiculous.

Should I say anything or just agree and be supportive.

OP posts:
FatimaLovesBread · 06/12/2015 22:02

I'm confused, who is the dad? Obvs both Alan. Is it the dad of the one year old who doesn't see them anymore? Even though she was engaged to someone else in the summer?

Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 06/12/2015 22:33

Fatima- she split with the father of her 1 year old and he doesn't have anything to do with her.

She is pregnant again but isn't with the dad of this child.

Inbetweeners this she was engaged to a different man.

Now she is with Alan. Alan is not the father but she has introduced Alan to her 1 year old and it appears that he will be acting as a father.
This is what she has said.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 06/12/2015 22:50

She is a lovely person, I'm just not too sure if she should be involving Alan like this or am I being overcausious?

OP posts:
ExBallerina · 06/12/2015 22:55

It doesn't sound great, but unfortunately there's little you could do/say.

Fratelli · 07/12/2015 07:19

Oh ffs who does this? Yes it's her business but yanbu at all to be shocked! It's the baby I feel sorry for too. Imagine being named after a fling! Tbh I would give my opinion once only and leave it at that. Hopefully he'll have gone before the birth!

MrRobot · 07/12/2015 07:45

It sounds like a car crash waiting to happen.

livvylongpants · 07/12/2015 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 07/12/2015 10:20

does Alan actually know he is not the father?

Damselindestress · 07/12/2015 10:22

I think it's a lot of pressure to put on a very new partner to introduce him so early and expect him to be a father to her children, he might be in the first flush of love and not thinking through the long term implications. Then if/when the relationship falls through it will be disruptive and distressing for the children. You could try advising her to slow things down but she probably wouldn't listen. It seems like she's desperately looking for 'the one' or a father figure for her children and doesn't realise rushing the relationship won't work out. I feel a bit sorry for her but worse for the children. Unfortunately criticism in this situation is more likely to make her feel that it's her and Alan against the world. I would be worried too but not sure what you can do.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 07/12/2015 10:30

I hope it works out for her and Alan will be around for a very long time.

My corcern is that potentially these 2 children are going to grow up with many poor father figures in which once the relationship with mum is over then all that trust children have in parents vanishes

AskingForAPal · 07/12/2015 11:16

So am I getting the timeline right?

Around 2 years ago - in a relationship with Man1 (1stdad) and gets pregnant
Around 18 months ago - Engaged to Man2
Gives birth around same time to 1stchild
Around 3 months ago gets pregnant by Man 3 (2nddad)
Around 1-2 months ago meets Man4 - Alan

She is now planning to raise both her children including the one she's giving birth to in 6 months or so with Alan, a guy she's basically just met, as the dad. And she plans to cement this in by naming her new baby after either him or his mum? Even though she tried this before with 1stdad and he still fucked off despite also having a biological tie.

I feel really sorry for this woman. Clearly she feels undeserving of love and respect for herself and has unfortunately extrapolated that feeling out to her kids as well. Why would a man raise them unless he shares a name (or all the names) with them, seems to be her thinking. How bloody sad.

I'm not sure what she needs, but somehow she needs help to come round to the idea that her babies are worthy of love, care, respect and sustained relationships just because they are in themselves. Not because some dude is "tied" (although not really) to them by name. TBH I would probably gently try to say this to her. Point out how this plan didn't work very well in the case of 1stdad and to think of the child's whole future - maybe 100 years - with names its mum didn't even really want to call it in the first place.

And then leave it, I guess. :(

OTheHugeManatee · 07/12/2015 12:29

I think this woman needs a good talking to. And a packet of condoms. If she wants to skip from relationship to relationship that's her lookout but it's incredibly irresponsible and wrong to keep bringing child after child into this sort of setup.

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