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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of DH disengaging at weekends?

61 replies

LovingLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:40

DH has always been a bit lazy with the DCs and around the house but I swear he's getting worse. I feel like a single parent and actually quite lonely and down at weekends as he's here but just disengages.

He's either watching TV, playing on the Xbox, on the computer, playing on his phone, or napping!

Today we went out for the day and he was in a bad mood because he was 'tired', and just wouldn't engage in any conversation. I drove home and he was either snoozing or on his phone the whole time. He doesn't really engage with the kids in any way. All he wants to do is please himself. And needless to say, all chores, childcare and everything else is left to me!

Then tonight he fell asleep in front of the TV really early.

It's like I never have any adult company, and it is getting me down.

We both work full time all week as I'm sure that will crop up at some point in this thread.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 00:02

Another lazy fecker ?

You could do a lot better than him, op

Original poster

LovingLiberty · 06/12/2015 00:02

I work just as hard as he does, Seeyou.

I've tried striking, it doesn't work.

He wont' discuss it, as I've said many a time on this thread, and he has taken no notice of previous rotas I've made.

OP posts:

BlueJug · 06/12/2015 00:02

I know that you are exhausted - that's not fair on anyone. As everyone says you and he need to have a conversation. I remember that exhaustion and it is horrible for everyone. If he really is doing and say nothing at all then there si more of a problem than just the tiredness.

It is so hard though. It is relentless. I was the "lazier" of the two of us. I used to get crippling migraines - it was so hard. I resented DH badgering me to do stuff - his standards were higher than mine

Good luck. I hope that you can sort it out.

Original poster

LovingLiberty · 06/12/2015 00:03

Anyfucker, I am thinking along those lines I have to say....

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 06/12/2015 00:04

How can you not? I cannot imagine a conversation that ended with the conclusion that he is the only one who gets to relax at the weekend, that he doesn't have to do any housework or childcare or shopping or cooking.

How can that possibly be the sum total of an adult conversation?

Go back to him and tell him that he has a choice; live as a married man with family commitments or live as a single man with only himself to think of.

Do not be fobbed off by him, do not accept that your needs take second place to his. Don't be a mug OP.

Original poster

LovingLiberty · 06/12/2015 00:04

BlueJug, as I have said, he will not discuss it. And I know it is relentless, as I do everything!

I get migraines too. And I do not 'badger' DH. I would just like him to occasionally speak to and acknowledge the DCs and I.

OP posts:

Original poster

LovingLiberty · 06/12/2015 00:05

Oh I won't be accepting it for much longer, that's for sure.

He wont' discuss things. He just turns the tv up or won't answer me. That' why I am so frustrated.

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 06/12/2015 00:05

How can I force him to discuss it properly when he won't?
Saturday morning, leave, come back Sunday evening and give him no warning, just say "Bye"
He'll want to discuss it pretty quick.
That may be extreme though.

Without knowing the ins and outs of your relationship it's hard to suggest what to do. I would suggest splitting weekday evenings, you find a hobby Tuesday and Thursday, he'll have to sort things etc.
Split sat and sun, but you'll miss family time of you keep splitting.

It's all dependant on you n him and your dynamic. If he really is as awful as he seems then the ultimatum of shape up or fuck off is always there.

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 00:06

I am sure that by the time you post on here, you have already tried the "just talk to him" shizzle

And he ignores you

Stand off

Carry on as you are and get what you always have

Or give him some ultimatums

You have to mean them though...if you don't follow through they weaken you further in his eyes

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 06/12/2015 00:06

OP, being a single parent is easier than having someone who is there but not there.

The reason he doesn't pull his weight is because he knows you're there to pick up the slack.

Fairenuff · 06/12/2015 00:07

I've tried striking, it doesn't work.

So what happened then? He just kept wearing the same old stinky clothes? Or did he manage to find the washing machine?

Katiekatiekatiekay · 06/12/2015 00:08

Please don't compare having a lazy partner to being a single parent

Well if I was to compare id say life is much easier, happier & relaxed alone than with a lazy partner. Still lots of work (& increased £ worries) but without that ginormous anchor round my neck

BlueJug · 06/12/2015 00:10

I wasn't suggesting you badgered him. I said my DH badgered me.

It sounds as if you have tried everything and that you are further along than it initially seemed at the beginning of the thread. Sorry to hear this OP. Hope it works out soon.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 06/12/2015 00:12

But why should she have to strike?

If he is grown up to do all the stuff that comes with begetting a kid then he is grow up enough to realise that kids need looking after . Why the hell is it up to OP to point this out?

Seeyounearertime · 06/12/2015 00:14

Oh I won't be accepting it for much longer, that's for sure.

He wont' discuss things. He just turns the tv up or won't answer me. That' why I am so frustrated

That's just petty and childish. Is this guy a typical manchild fuckwit?

Box his console up, put it in a bag, leave it on the table and tell him to stick it in his car a fuck off

Leelu6 · 06/12/2015 00:14

I feel like a single parent

It sounds like you are.

trufflehunterthebadger · 06/12/2015 00:15

If he is sleeping a lot it would suggest he is tired unles he has a medical issue which causes him to sleep.

or he's just fucking lazy and believes that "i'm tired" is some magic get-out clause of any involvement so he can lie around in bed instead.

dh would stay in bed or lie on the sofa watching tv all day long if he could get away with it. he's not depressed or ill or anything, just bone idle if he can get away with it.

i have been known to take the remote control to work with me when very fed up with it

lorelei9 · 06/12/2015 00:16

OP, you went on strike in what way? It needs to go on for a while, no cooking or washing etc for him....

Fairenuff · 06/12/2015 00:17

But why should she have to strike?

Well, she has limited options because she says he ignores her so:

Carry on as she is doing everything, him doing nothing
Stop doing his washing and cooking, just sort out herself and kids
Separate

I think option 1) is most likely but option 2) (striking) would ease her burden a bit.

Option 3) least likely.

Leelu6 · 06/12/2015 00:18

Please don't compare having a lazy partner to being a single parent

Why not, alltheworld? Sounds like sometimes being a single parent is the better option. It must be incredibly frustrating to have to deal with the negative presence of a deadweight of a partner, as well as cleaning for them and after them.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 06/12/2015 00:24

Gather all his gadgets and put them out of reach...(out of the house)let's see what happens then...

alltheworld · 06/12/2015 00:30

if you feel like a single parent then try it. It is nothing like having a lazy partner

MistressoftheYoniverse · 06/12/2015 00:35

alltheworld no I'm sure it's not the same at all..but sometimes it can feel like having a giant man shaped cushion that farts, is opinionated, wants feeding and always has the remote ...sometimes the cushion being there is an added pressure ...

OneMoreCasualty · 06/12/2015 00:45

"He wont' discuss things. He just turns the tv up or won't answer me. That' why I am so frustrated."

OP, you appear to have married an 8 year old, how did that happen?

Seriously, what a man child.

Advocate going out and leaving him to it.

mathanxiety · 06/12/2015 00:46

You have choices to make.

Tell him it's Relate or solicitors. And if there isn't a 100% change then solicitors it is. Ask him if he thinks you should even bother with Relate.

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