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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that insomnia is not the same as being sleep deprived with a baby?

44 replies

Lilipot15 · 05/12/2015 00:27

DH suffers from insomnia. I have a baby who wakes frequently and won't settle without a BF. I usually end up cosleeping. With a small age gap I haven't actually had a good nights sleep in well over 2 years.

Whilst I know it will pass, I find myself irrationally annoyed when I say that I'm exhausted and he says "I know how it feels"......he sleeps in a separate room most of the time so has nothing waking him!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 05/12/2015 00:34

'he sleeps in a separate room most of the time so has nothing waking him!'

Although he does, his insomnia.

Could it be that he's just trying to be sympathetic when he says he knows how it feels rather than trying to turn it into a competition?

I don't think it matters what stops you from sleeping, it's fucking torture and you both have my sympathy.

Potatoface2 · 05/12/2015 00:34

its not a competition.....i work nights....i am always tired but when i had my children i didnt mind being awake with them.....it was so lovely to be laying in my bed bfeeding my tiny baby....much more preferable than what i could have been doing at work ( incontinent dementia patients).....there are different types of tiredness....to suffer with insomnia and to never get a good nights sleep must be hard, but you feeling irrational about it is because you are sleep deprived

AfroPuffs · 05/12/2015 00:34

Absolutely! Not only are you not sleeping but you have the additional mental stress of dealing with a crying baby etc. Totally different in my view!

lighteningirl · 05/12/2015 00:35

He's a knob he lets you take full night time care of your joint dc and says he knows how it feels? My exdh did this until the gp on a home visit pointed out I had pneumonia and should be in hospital and if he (exdh) was not prepared to step up he (lovely elderly go) would call social services to take our dc and have me forcibly admitted to hospital.

ImogenTubbs · 05/12/2015 00:36

I had a very badly sleeping baby, so completely know how you feel (DD still rarely sleeps through and is 2!) but my DH also suffers from insomnia and it can be bloody torture for him. I think one thing that helped me massively when DD was tiny was the day I realised it wasn't a competition between us as to who was most tired. It was fine if he was tired too - we were just tired! It's no one's fault - just the way things can be with a young child. It sounds like he's just trying to empathise, maybe a little clumsily...? Are you getting support from him in other ways, if you're doing all the nights? Maybe if he has insomnia, he could kill two birds with one stone! DH used to do that sometimes, take DD into the spare room when he couldn't sleep, so at least I could get a few hours before she needed more boob.

AndNowItsSeven · 05/12/2015 00:38

No it's not the same , insomnia is worse.

Original poster

Lilipot15 · 05/12/2015 00:39

I know it's not a competition and I probably come across as totally unsympathetic to people with insomnia. The problem is that when he does sleep in our room it seems to me that he is asleep a lot more than he says he is!!

I think it's just the relentlessness of the present situation and the fact that she screams so angrily without the boob!! A situation of my own making.

And it is of course a much nicer reason for being awake than night shifts - I know from my own job,

OP posts:

Senpai · 05/12/2015 00:41

Insomnia like he's wide awake, or sleep apnea and he just isn't getting good sleep? If he has insomnia can't he take care of the crying baby whilst he is unable to sleep so he's at least doing something productive with his time? I mean, he's not sleeping anyway. It just seems like a more logical solution.

But that said, sleep deprivation is hard regardless of the reason.

AgentZigzag · 05/12/2015 00:43

'but you have the additional mental stress of dealing with a crying baby etc.'

The mental stresses of insomnia though mean you're railing about the sheer injustice of being cheated out of your sleep by your own bastard brain!

At least with a baby you can get a lovely squishy cuddle (not that it's a competition!)

Original poster

Lilipot15 · 05/12/2015 00:43

And he is very helpful when he's around, I think it is just him trying to sympathise but it makes me irrationally cross as I'm so tired. I know at the moment that this is how it is and I should probably stop myself from telling him I'm so tired so I don't hear it back from him!!

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 05/12/2015 00:44

I've experienced both and insomnia (as a symptom of depression) was worse. Part of something much more stressful, relentless and with no expectation of ending (though it did).

With a baby I became brilliant at making the most of the opportunities for sleep available, so going back to sleep after a night feed. I really appreciated and revelled in that ability, in such contrast to my earlier experience.

PerspicaciaTick · 05/12/2015 00:46

My DS was 3 yo before he slept through for more than an hour or two at night. So I was used to being very sleep deprived for a long period of time.
By the time he started sleeping better, my own sleep patterns were so mucked up that I have suffered from insomnia for the last 4 years.

Honestly, the insomnia is way worse and I've lost hope of sleeping properly ever again.

But to you and your DH and to you both getting through the night however the best you can.

Booyaka · 05/12/2015 00:46

Insomnia is worse. If you have it badly it never goes away or starts sleeping through. It sounds like you've been a bit unsympathetic towards him and are now getting the same back. You don't seem to take his insomnia very seriously. Do you think maybe he finds it a bit wearing you complaining you are tired and have had no sleep if he is used to getting short shrift from you about his insomnia?

Kampeki · 05/12/2015 00:48

Hmm, I had a baby who slept very badly (she used to wake at least once an hour, every hour, for several months), and it was very, very hard. I did end up co-sleeping because I was utterly exhausted, and in the end, that turned out to be the best solution. However, it was torture in those first few months.

However, I have also suffered from insomnia, and that is incredibly stressful too. It's hard to explain the frustration that being unable to sleep can cause. You can start to feel that you're on the verge of insanity after a while. And you can start to wonder if you'll ever be able to sleep again.

I'm not sure if either is worse, tbh, it's just different. And as others have said, it really isn't a competition.

If your DH is awake anyway, couldn't he deal with some of the nighttime wakings? Does your baby really need to bf in order to settle again, or is that just what works most quickly?

I feel for you both. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. :(

Original poster

Lilipot15 · 05/12/2015 00:48

The issue is that the baby actually settles quite quickly with the boob - it's more a comfort thing as she's 6 months rather than newborn frequent feeding. Although she wakes very often! So whilst he could take her at night I think I'd just hear her getting furious with him not having the means to settle her so quickly then he'd be even more tired than he is already!! And I'd wake anyway as she's not a quiet one, yadayadayada.

Didn't mean to upset true insomniacs, just need to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

randomcatname · 05/12/2015 00:49

The problem is that when he does sleep in our room it seems to me that he is asleep a lot more than he says he is!!

That's very telling. ;) Is it possible he's just not pulling his weight? I'm amazed at the number of women who take responsibility for everything and the husbands who are happy to kick back and let them.

It sounds as though you need to talk to him properly about how exhausted you are and get some sleep. It's torture otherwise. Well, it's torture anyway but you need to feel you're at least both in it together.

AgentZigzag · 05/12/2015 00:51

'Didn't mean to upset true insomniacs'

Is that saying you don't think he is?

RomComPhooey · 05/12/2015 00:51

No it's not the same , insomnia is worse.

I ebf DS1, who was a dreadful sleeper, until he was 7mo old and have another son. I've also had imnsomnia on and off since my teens. The insomnia is worse. At least with night feeds you are up for a reason. Insomnia is just awful - your mind goes to awful places in the wee small hours and you start to panic you're going to get yet another bad night on the trot. I've been to work (FT WOHM) on less than an hour's sleep because of my insomnia. I always managed more, even if disturbed/in chunks, with night feeds & toddler waking. That's not to say the sleep deprivation that comes with small kids is easy in any way, shape or form.

randomcatname · 05/12/2015 00:51

Oh OP, I remember it well. That feeling of it will never end. But it really does.

Kampeki · 05/12/2015 00:53

How about co-sleeping from when you go to bed, OP? That's what saved my sanity in the end. DD still woke up, but it seemed to happen less and it was easier when I didn't have to get up.

Asteria36 · 05/12/2015 00:53

When you are sleep deprived, for whatever reason, it is hell. Being woken up by a baby is very different to being unable to sleep though. Having had both I would take the baby over the insomnia any day. DH has had long-term insomnia and it is hell for him.

SaucyJack · 05/12/2015 00:54

The thing with being woken by a baby is at least you know why it's happening, and that when the baby moves out or goes to university you know it'll stop.

But then the thing with insomnia is if it's only your brain keeping you up, at least you can lie there and chill until you fall asleep or it's morning.

Neither are a barrel of laughs tbh.

Asteria36 · 05/12/2015 00:55

Co-sleeping would really help with your sleep. I ended up doing it for 2 years - feeding was barely registered and ds rarely cried at all in the night. We were both much happier

AgentZigzag · 05/12/2015 00:55

And does he think the same and that your sleep deprivation doesn't make you feel as bad as he does?

'it makes me irrationally cross as I'm so tired'

I think this is the crux of it, being tired makes you irrationally arsey and it's hard to reign it in, especially if you're both on exactly the same level of tiredness as each other

Booyaka · 05/12/2015 00:55

Senpai, insomnia doesn't work like that. It's not something you can plan around and say 'Oh you'll be awake, look after the baby'. You have to take sleep when you can get it.

The problem with insomnia and looking after a baby is that after you feed them, it takes you a few hours to get to sleep. So as soon as you manage to get to sleep, they wake up again! It can mean nights just getting 4 x 15 minute bursts of sleep a night.

This way they will both be getting some sleep. I'm an insomniac and my husband is a asleep as soon as his head's on the pillow type. The night's he got up with our baby he still had significantly more sleep than I would have in an uninterrupted night.

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