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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing nappies/wiping bums

36 replies

Teenagecrisisagain · 04/12/2015 22:33

I'll start by saying I don't think IABU but I want to see what others think before taking this further

Using direct payments for disabled dc we employ a carer. Due to the agency being unable to provide the same carer each time we decided to employ a family member as dc have specific needs and training was needed so having different person from an agency at short notice would not have worked as they wouldn't have been trained

Anyway, today it was declared "dd has done a poo. I don't wipe shit off bums or change shitty nappies"

That's not on is it?
She was fully aware when accepting the job that two of dcs need help in this way and this was said in front of them

I am 99.9% sure it's completely unacceptable. Before getting rid I just wanted some opinions on this. I was completely taken aback by the comment. Luckily it happened just as I was on my way out so I could take over but what if this had happened when I wasn't there? Would dd just have been left?

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/12/2015 22:36

Of course it's not on if you made it clear this was part of the job! Sack her.

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2015 22:37

I don't know.

What did the family member say when you mentioned that this had all been explained to them?

Do you have anything in writing?

Original poster
Teenagecrisisagain · 04/12/2015 22:37

Yes she knew. Ds still in nappies and dd needs help with clothes and wiping

OP posts:
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 04/12/2015 22:39

So what is family member being paid for if not looking after dcs?

Looking after them includes making sure they are clean and comfortable.

MaisieDotes · 04/12/2015 22:39

No, of course it's not ok and the choice of language used was disrespectful to your DD imo.

Original poster
Teenagecrisisagain · 04/12/2015 22:41

Dd had needed help getting up the stairs and had been taken up. I was about to leave and was called with "she's done a poo and is asking for help" followed by the wiping shit off bums comment

I asked please could she help dd. complete refusal so I did it then had to go to my appt. dd was a little upset. Dh picked dcs up later on and I've yet to deal with it properly

There is no contract of employment but it Iam registered as an employer with hmrc and it's done through the LA. I would assume at any point I could just terminate the employment?

OP posts:
StackladysMorphicResonator · 04/12/2015 22:42

WTF?? Fire her immediately! Not at all acceptable!

pullofthemoon · 04/12/2015 22:44

Highly unpleasant way to talk about a child you are supposed to care for.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/12/2015 22:44

Wtf did she think the job entailed Confused

Maisy313 · 04/12/2015 22:46

Was her tone of voice annoyed? It sounds really unacceptable to me, a very unpleasant way to talk in front of your children. And if she can't carry out the duties of her job then she needs to leave the position - but even if she agreed how would you feel about her caring for them now? Flowers

Original poster
Teenagecrisisagain · 04/12/2015 22:50

Yes she sounded very annoyed. I was then in two minds about leaving but had an mri with contrast appt so had to go

She was fully aware of all needs when agreed to the job.

OP posts:
Samcro · 04/12/2015 22:50

that is wrong, its not a nice job but its part of being a carer.

Original poster
Teenagecrisisagain · 04/12/2015 22:52

The thing is I would expect, looking after dc of any age, disabled or not that occasionally accidents happen or help is needed? It's part of caring for children isn't it? It happens and you just change/wipe/clean up etc then wash your hands don't you ??!

OP posts:
BondJayneBond · 04/12/2015 22:53

YANBU.

If she's not willing to deal with changing nappies and wiping bums, she's got no place working as a carer for your DC.

Akire · 04/12/2015 22:54

Sack her yes! Putting aside the comments and way she said it which was disgraceful. You need someone who can do this, she can't fulfill the job requirements so off they go!

yorkshapudding · 04/12/2015 23:20

Does this person claim to have any previous experience of care work? If so I would be a bit suspicious as assistance in using the toilet, cleaning up after accidents etc is pretty standard even if you've only ever worked in adult care services.

Excited101 · 04/12/2015 23:42

Based on the lack of respect for a person's needs alone, she'd be out the door before she had chance to blink. That choice of language and attitude is absolutely disgraceful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2015 23:44

Saying "shitty" in front of the kids wouldn't be OK, never mind the refusal to do the job.

cruikshank · 04/12/2015 23:52

If she's refusing to carry out contractual duties then that's gross misconduct and she can be fired without notice. And that's before even getting onto the way in which the refusal was phrased, which is terrifically disrespectful and therefore jeopardises the employer/employee relationship.

So sorry you are having to deal with this and I don't quite know what to suggest in terms of a replacement. Ideally what you (and many others in your situation) need is a regular carer but for some reason it doesn't seem to be so simple to arrange. Are there any organisations near you that would help you to source a carer that you could come to a private contractual arrangement with?

Samcro · 04/12/2015 23:55

it will be hard as you "carer" is a family member, but comments like that are vile and you need to look at "real" carers.
(I know thats hard)

omri · 05/12/2015 00:00

Get rid of her. She has no respect for your dc. It was a horrible thing to say. She is clearly in the wrong job so you'd be doing her a favour... Imo. Hth.

VestalVirgin · 05/12/2015 00:07

The thing is I would expect, looking after dc of any age, disabled or not that occasionally accidents happen or help is needed? It's part of caring for children isn't it? It happens and you just change/wipe/clean up etc then wash your hands don't you ??!

Well, if you had just hired a teenager as babysitter for your six year old, and the child then suddenly wet the bed ... I would not be angry at a young teen for not knowing what to do/not wanting to touch the wet sheets. If you hire a teenager, it is pretty much expected that they'll call you when something out of the ordinary happens, and you handle difficult situations yourself.

However, I would see the situation differently with a professional - if a child had an icky accident in kindergarten, I would expect staff to handle it, and in the situation you describe, with someone hired as carer for disabled children ... yeah, you can expect that if you were honest about the extent of the disability in the first place.

FattyFishwife · 05/12/2015 01:34

And this is a family member? So I assume related to ds also? Shocking for any carer to act this way/say such things, but a family member to boot....that's horrible and very sad too :(

MyNewBearTotoro · 05/12/2015 02:14

I used to work as a carer for children with SN and yes I was absolutely expected to changed nappies and deal with accidents. It's part of the job and I can't see how anyone would expect to care for a child who wears nappies and also expect not to have to change them.

As an aside almost all of my employers did all provide disposable gloves to be worn when changing nappies. I think this is sensible (and in most care settings compulsory) for carers outside immediate family as as well as ensuring there's less risk of spreading illness etc it does take away the 'ick' factor a bit.

winewolfhowls · 05/12/2015 08:50

If I was babysitting for a friend and there was an accident with any age dc I would certainly clean them up. Regardless of employment it's common decency.