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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think i'm right, or should i relent?

35 replies

Skullyton · 04/12/2015 20:51

DH mentioned he'd like to take 9yo DS somewhere tomorrow.

Its a show, crowds, noise, lots of people, long drive as part of the motorway is shut for maintenance all weekend, then a bus trip from the carparks to the arena. Its somewhere we usually go as a family, but i just do NOT want to go this year, and have told DH he's not taking DS either.

My reason is this.

DS has autism, adhd, sensory processing issues and is rather volatile at the moment with frequent meltdowns. He physically attacked me earlier this week during one.

DH does NOT have good history with coping with DS during a meltdown, even less so in public. Its usually me who deals with it while DH walks away as he finds them embarrassing and gets annoyed, whereas DS needs calm and comfort to help bring him down, especially when people stare/comment (which is what DH struggles with)

We have never been to this show without DS having a meltdown.

Considering this, i am NOT willing to let DH take DS by himself, nor am i willing to relent on my decision not to go (i have hip/back problems and walking around all day is not an option atm)

I've told DH if he wants to go he can take DD, but he feels that's unfair to DS, so i told him he could always go by himself, but he doesn't want to as its more fun with other people.

So now DH is sulking about it a little, but i don't think IABU, it's not about whether they'll have fun, its about DH knowing he doesn't know how to deal with DS during a public meltdown.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 04/12/2015 20:54

Yanbu.

It sounds like it would be a recipe for disaster for your Ds to go st the moment.

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2015 20:55

This sounds like a really tough situation. I guess if you never let your dh deal with your ds on his own how will he ever get to know how to manage him? Do you think your ds is in danger with your dh? If it was just them surely he wouldn't walk off and leave him? I'm on the fence (not helpful I'm sorry).

febreeze · 04/12/2015 21:09

Do you live with your Dh? Does he have parental responsibility?

If the answer to the above is yes then it is not really for you to say no. Your views may differ. It doesn't make one right and one wrong.

givemushypeasachance · 04/12/2015 21:11

Does your DH acknowledge that he doesn't deal well with the meltdowns? Have you had a conversation with him about how he reacts and what he could do to improve the situation? If it's something he identifies that he doesn't respond to well but he's working on it then it seems unreasonable to basically say he can't look after his own son without 'supervision' when he is working on the problem. But if he thinks getting annoyed and storming off is a reasonable way to behave then I don't think you're being unfair to suggest that this wouldn't be a good idea.

missingmumxox · 04/12/2015 23:45

You know why he doesn't deal with the fall out?
Because you don't let him parent, you need to let go a bit, of cause he can take your son, I get your reasons my son has very similar special needs but because my dh has been allowed to get on with it he is capable of risk assessing and dealing with, and actually we have both found 1 to 1 very different to a family outing, totally different dynamic.

Also sound like you could do with a break from each other if your son is being challenging, and you Dh might find like I do that my son talks better in the car as he isn't looking at me, so maybe a "father son" chat could help.

I am not saying you are being unreasonable because we both know your fears are very real, but you do need to let your husband learn, and bond with his son

LaLyra · 04/12/2015 23:50

I think that unless you think your DS is genuinely unsafe with him then you should relent.

I don't think one parent should be allowed to veto another except on safety grounds, and if your DH has no option to walk away this time it might actually do him some good to realise what you have to deal with when his ideas are not good for your DS and he fucks off and leaves you to deal with the consequences.

I would ask him what his plans are to deal with the inevitable melt down and then go from there. He should be able to handle your DS because it shouldn't all land on your shoulders and if he can't then it's about time he learned.

AgentZigzag · 05/12/2015 00:11

'Does your DH acknowledge that he doesn't deal well with the meltdowns?'

That's what I wondered.

If he doesn't then it's not fair to test out how it'll go on your DS (or your DD).

In an ideal world both parents would be able to deal with each child and how they are in an effective and calm manner, but it's not an ideal world and the OP has to protect her DS if she can. (not that I'm suggesting he needs protecting from his dad in that way IYKWIM)

Birdsgottafly · 05/12/2015 01:38

It doesn't sound as if it would be a good day out for your DS and that's the deciding factor.

It would be nice for your youngest to have a day out with her Dad.

Also, in a crowd would he be able to keep both children safe whilst dealing with DS, on his own?

I have to two children with SN, now adults. My middle DD didn't and we would give her one to one time when we could.

I agree that you do need a conversation about his handling of the meltdowns and he needs to practice doing this at a less stressful time.

Mermaidhair1 · 05/12/2015 04:11

I think that if your dh wants to take his ds out for the day then he should be able to. It is his dc also. If you aren't their then he will have to manage. Does your ds want to go with him?

Brioche201 · 05/12/2015 04:28

It's not up to you to give permission.your dh has as much right to make decisions about your son as you have. How is he going to build the relationship needed to be able to cope with your DS if you are always hovering ready to swoop in?

OfficeGirl1969 · 05/12/2015 04:28

Might this be a really good opportunity for DH and DS to spend some fun time together, and maybe give DH a chance to learn to manage how DS reacts to circumstances that make him uncomfortable? If he's not good at handling his meltdowns, is it possibly because he just never really has to?(because you're always on hand) If so, I'd be tempted to let him take him, it may be enjoyable, and productive for then both (a well as giving you a break!)

At the end of the day unless you honestly believe DS would be in danger, I think it's going to be hard to "stop" him taking DS without undermining him as a parent.

Maybe give them a chance.....surely they can try, and if it becomes too much, simply leave early and come home?

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 04:52

It doesn't sound as if it would be a good day out for your DS and that's the deciding factor.

This Spot on.

As the mum of a young man who is very severely autistic amongst other (related) things I wouldn't consider a day out unless the situation was really favourable to DS needs and even then I'd have a few back up plans 'just in case'.

But its also relevant that you DH doesn't deal very well with a meltdown and a very stressful day out where it can all end in a horrific situation for you son isn't the time of place for you husband to be learning how to cope with things.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 05/12/2015 05:43

It does sound as if your DH is takingy our DS as an accessory and for company rather than giving him a day out for his own benefit. He sounds selfish and the DS is being experimented on a bit. I can see why you are pissed off about it but it might be worth letting them go together. It would settle it one way or another

P1nkP0ppy · 05/12/2015 06:39

If DH is so insistent then let them go, he'll have to manage DS on his own which might not be a bad thing.
DS might be perfectly ok, in which case they'll have a good time.

PennyHasNoSurname · 05/12/2015 06:47

Honestly OP you cannot stop him if he decides he is going ti take him. Whether its the right thing for him to do or not is another thing.

Maybe DH just wants the chance to parent ds? Sounds like you take charge and he doesnt get the chance.

If he always has meltdowns at this place then presumably he has gone a number of times before - knowing that he will have a meltdown. So how is this time any different?

Dipankrispaneven · 05/12/2015 06:58

I take it you pointed out the meltdown issue and that it wouldn't be possible for him to walk away? What was his response?

OneInEight · 05/12/2015 07:05

We have learnt the hard way never to take the ds's to public places when they are feeling volatile and certainly never with one parent with responsibility for both. Aside from violent meltdowns the risk of one or other (or on a really good day both) running off when they can't cope and getting lost is just too great. I guess this would be even more so if your dh is not good at deescalating the meltdowns. He does need to learn how to deal with meltdowns but pushing him into the deep end is only going to set the relationship backwards in my opinion.

Sirzy · 05/12/2015 07:32

Although i agree that he needs to learn how to deal with the meltdowns I don't agree that throwing a vulnerable child, who is already struggling, into an environment known to cause them sensory overload and as a result meltdowns is the way to do it!

JumpingJack56 · 05/12/2015 07:51

yanbu it's not about him being the other parent/having parental responsibility, it's about your sons needs which by the sound of it he struggles to deal with outside of the home.

I would never send my dc into a situation in which I know she will
struggle and with someone who doesn't know how to help her-luckily me and dp are on the same page. In the past it was me who dealt with her meltdowns as instinctively I just knew what to do, he struggled not because he didn't try but for some reason she came out of them easier with me. With that in mind if he took her out without me (and certainly if he took both children) he choose to take them to activities/places that he knew she could deal with (which I do myself, if we have an incline that a meltdown will occur we try to do those activities as a family, so that we have each other for support but also because if we have both children it's harder to deal with the meltdown and keep younger child safe if only one adult present).

He's already not thinking of your sons needs and until he can deal with meltdowns instinctively and in the correct manner then I wouldn't be sending my child with him into a situation that I know will require it.

Hissy · 05/12/2015 09:14

What about you OP? What would happen if YOU didn't cope? If you walked away from your son whenever he was overwhelmed?

This boils my blood. Your H has no right to walk away, to be annoyed or embarrassed. YOU do though. You have a right to be embarrassed about the inadequate father your son has. How dare he?

TELL him his fortune, that the trip won't be happening and why, because he can't and won't manage it and that you don't trust him. If he wants to change your perception he needs to step the fuck up and do whatever it takes to be able to care for his children. Courses, groups, or just getting his hands dirty and making the effort.

I'd lose all respect for a bloke who couldn't care for his children because he was ashamed or embarrassed about something beyond their control.

AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 09:28

Agree with Hissy. It's very sad that you are in this position and that your DH has just opted out of dealing with it.

I'd be tempted to let him go as a learning experience, but if your DH wouldn't or couldn't handle a meltdown, it wouldn't be fair on your DS.

Senpai · 05/12/2015 14:32

It doesn't sound as if it would be a good day out for your DS and that's the deciding factor.

Yes. Autistic kids have complex feelings too, and having a father get upset and frustrated over a melt down he can't help is going to leave him feeling like he's troublesome for his father. Kids pick up on those things surprisingly well.

DH needs to learn to deal with the meltdowns before he runs off with DS alone.

IguanaTail · 05/12/2015 14:44

I agree with Brioche

BlueJug · 05/12/2015 15:17

He wants to take him. He wants to parent his own child. Let him.
You are not the boss. You had to learn. He does it his way. How is he ever going to build a relationship with his child if you are always telling him he can't do it properly. Of course he won't be able to deal with a meltdown if you are there taking control and telling him he is useless. If he's on his own he'll have to deal with it - his way.

So because YOU don't want to go, nobody goes. Not fair.

If you don't let him parent his own children he will in the end give up. He'll be relegated to "supporting role only" and that's demoralising for everyone.

IguanaTail · 05/12/2015 15:23

I agree. Don't even put pressure on not going. Let him find out for himself. And maybe it will all go fine.

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