To think i'm right, or should i relent?

[Skullyton]

DH mentioned he'd like to take 9yo DS somewhere tomorrow.

Its a show, crowds, noise, lots of people, long drive as part of the motorway is shut for maintenance all weekend, then a bus trip from the carparks to the arena. Its somewhere we usually go as a family, but i just do NOT want to go this year, and have told DH he's not taking DS either.

My reason is this.

DS has autism, adhd, sensory processing issues and is rather volatile at the moment with frequent meltdowns. He physically attacked me earlier this week during one.

DH does NOT have good history with coping with DS during a meltdown, even less so in public. Its usually me who deals with it while DH walks away as he finds them embarrassing and gets annoyed, whereas DS needs calm and comfort to help bring him down, especially when people stare/comment (which is what DH struggles with)

We have never been to this show without DS having a meltdown.

Considering this, i am NOT willing to let DH take DS by himself, nor am i willing to relent on my decision not to go (i have hip/back problems and walking around all day is not an option atm)

I've told DH if he wants to go he can take DD, but he feels that's unfair to DS, so i told him he could always go by himself, but he doesn't want to as its more fun with other people.

So now DH is sulking about it a little, but i don't think IABU, it's not about whether they'll have fun, its about DH knowing he doesn't know how to deal with DS during a public meltdown.

I'd say the h here needs to work towards a full day out. Because until he handles a melt down close to home and manages it without walking off and being ashamed, he can't possibly take the boy ON HIS OWN on a day out the boy has never yet been able to cope with even when both parents are present.

Yes I agree he ought to step up and be a functional parent, and share the job equally with the op, but throwing the boy into a situation where he will suffer, and the only adult in a position to be able to manage the situation, won't, it's just not worth it.

Exactly hissy.

The needs of the child need to be taken into account and he doesn't need to be thrown into an already stressful situation with an adult who can't cope as a way of teaching that adult a lesson.

The needs of the child need to be taken into account and he doesn't need to be thrown into an already stressful situation with an adult who can't cope as a way of teaching that adult a lesson.

I feel quite ill at the thought of this.

exactly.

the fact is DH works very long hours and because of his job, doesn't spend a lot of time with DS

He is struggling, and does acknowledge that he knows he doesn't cope very well with his public meltdowns, and he is trying to be better with him, but just like i have had to learn, it takes time!

We are teaching DH how to deal with them better, but its not to a point where i am comfortable allowing the two of them to go somewhere like that for a whole day without me being there to step in should i need to!

They do go and do stuff together, DH takes him out at the weekend quite a lot, just not ALL day to somewhere like that. I think its trying to run before he can walk considering DS's currently frame of mind.

Its not about parental responsibility or one having the right to veto the other, its about what is best for DS.

OP, from one mum to another I think you have been fabulous at explaining why this cant happen for now.

It really is about your boy and no one else and thats just the way it should be.

Thanks Sansoora.

And for those who asked, DH completely accepts my reasons for saying i didnt want DS to go, but yes, he was a little put out/sulky about it.

DH loves the bike show, and so do the kids, we go most years and have done since before we had the children, we've missed 2 in the last 12 years, one when i was pregnant with DD and this years because i'm not physically well enough to walk around all day.

Is it his child or a step son

Has your DS tried ear defenders? They are a godsend for my DC in these types of situations.

If your dh copes during mini trips at the weekend, why can he not be trusted to judge whether he can cope with the bike show?

Your position makes perfect sense to me.
This isn't about your DH's needs it's about your DS's.
If your DH takes DS out and it goes wrong, that will make it harder for next time because DH will lose confidence in himself and DS will be more anxious as he knows his dad can't give him the support he needs.
Throwing him in at the deep end it not fair on either of them. DH needs to learn one step at a time and DS needs to build trust in him.