to not let 12 year old eat supper?

[Jw35]

My 12 year old dd is a little overweight. She's not fat and she's growing but she's in age 14-15 clothes.

I also have an almost one year old. I get up at 5.30 most mornings and by the time baby goes to bed at 7pm in shattered (I'm also pregnant so more tired than usual).

Kids have dinner at 5pm. Always a biggish meal, dd is always full afterwards. She wants more to eat around 8pm-usually a sandwich. By this time I'm tired and want peace and quiet. I've introduced 'quiet time' between 8-9pm so she goes upstairs and reads or whatever then comes down to say goodnight at 9pm

I said she can have supper at 7.30pm but my sister has said to me (while she visited last weekend) she shouldn't need anything else and I'm over feeding her. (Not in front of her) Is she right? Does she need supper at all? How should I handle this? She doesn't snack much just 3 meals a day and supper

I dunno Dr I suppose I know that they don't need a couple of sweet biscuits when they've had their tea an hour earlier. You're right though and as it's something we did when younger, the habit has stuck.

DS1 can give or take sweet food (loves crisps though!) but DS2 does have a sweet tooth so I know it's something I need to watch as he might not stsy a skinny minny forever.

I'd let her have supper, but 5pm is no mealtime for a non-baby, breakfast, lunch, apple at 5, supper should cover it. She does have one more meal than most.

I think by the age of 12, 'allowing' is the wrong word for food consumption in your house. She should be developing a sense of her own hunger and when it's appropriate to eat, not have you monitor it and 'not allow' supper, unless you want her to start bingeing in her room when you are not looking! By 16, she could be living elsewhere, so independence around eating and knowing your own body is extremely important- and I think it's fine for children at this age to know if they need another snack, especially as it is completely plausible she is hungry eating at 5pm! But then my children are awake til about 10 most nights, so that would be 5 hours after eating so naturally they would feel hungry.

I don't see anything wrong with steering her towards a sensible calorie option, toast and apple and a drink, or having healthy food in the house, but I think the days of not allowing a 12 year old to eat after 5 pm in your house really have to be over very soon, this type of monitoring will make her hugely weight conscious (she may be going through a grown spurt) as well as confused about why she can't eat when she is hungry.

As for the weight issue, it is difficult, one of mine eats tonnes and is slim (but not cakes/calorific things), the other eats about the same and is chubbier. My approach has been to allow the chubbier one to eat what she likes, but for her to start making the connection between eating healthier food and feeling better, both in terms of energy/body feeling and in terms of weight. If she's going to manage her own weight for the rest of her life, it won't be achieved by restricting food in her teens I don't think, simply because she will then break free and eat what she liked (as I did when I was allowed dinner money and ate two chocolate bars for about two years!) It is partly a body shape thing though, I ate crap at that age but was exceptionally skinny, she eats ok with some crap and is really rather stocky, we are not all the same.

5pm would be far too early for my 13y Dd to eat and then nothing more il breakfast. We tend to eat around 7-7:30pm, after Dh is home from work.

She will sometimes have a small snack on getting in from school, but not always.

If she ate at 5pm she would be hungry again before bedtime.

Sorry but I really think 5pm is too early, I'd be starving by bedtime if I had dinner at 5.

I would never stop a hungry child from eating - that only stores up problems for the future. However, junk shouldn't be freely available. I don't see anything wrong with a sandwich if she's hungry (but I'm visualising a couple of slices of bread with something like peanut butter inside, not a massive big subway!). I would keep the kitchen stocked up with bread, peanut butter, low sugar cereal (like muesli), bananas etc and let her help herself to these things whenever she likes. These things don't encourage binging, and no child ever got fat from eating too a sandwich. The only things I would limit would be things like biscuits, but then I'd limit them for myself too. The fat kids (and adults) are those who eat sugary junk too often, not those who eat proper food.

I think its almost impossible to know without seeing portions. My kids are slim and just don't eat much I serve small portions with the option of more. My sister's kids have always been served much larger portions and they're fatter. I take the view that kids know if they're hungry. But I also know that they need help with knowing what to eat and when to stop. If there is chocolate spread available DS1 would have 5 slices of toast for breakfast rather than his usual 2. Obviously we don't let him.

I would look at your daughter's diet work out calories and take it from there. Be honest about portion size and what constitutes a portion of chips or rice or pasta etc.

Personally the kitchen in this house 'shuts' a genuinely hungry child might get a banana or yoghurt but that's very rare.

Unless her other meals are unusually small you are probably overfeeding her though. It is hard, but a 12 year old shouldn't live by a baby's schedule, if she ate breakfast at 4am or lunch at 10am she would of course eat a second lunch. Same with eating dinner at non-meal time.

I don't think the food is the problem at all. I have 3 skinny kids who all eat early tea and then supper most of the time-a sandwich is fine for supper. The huge problem is the no exercise, that needs fixing or she's going to have problems. Can she do more incidental exercise eg walk to school (my 3 have 30 minutes each way) and walk to shops etc at weekends. School must offer afterschool and probably lunchtime sports activities. I know it's difficult with a baby but evening activity lifts can be shared with other parents and my 12 year old gets himself to some local things. If money is an issue then stuff like scouts is cheap and active, even drama is active, there are very cheap swimming clubs at the weekends at my leisure centre-voluntary run ones rather than the centre. My dd took ages to find her exercise she liked-she did so many free taster sessions of things like karate etc but eventually settled on school netball and tag rugby, then skating and (free) kids park run outside of school. We also go swimming and cycling as a family every week.
Or tea is early because of the sport etc that we all have most nights.

I'd stop worrying, if I were you, OP - and, believe me; I know how easy it is to worry.

If your 12 year old daughter is 5'5"... then she's taller than me, and I'm a size 12 (which is a bigger size than the clothes your DD's wearing!) and comfortably within my BMI. If her only noticable weight gain is a "slight double chin", then you're worrying over nothing and she'll be picking up on that. A "slight double chin" is perfectly normal. Depends on a person's posture. If your DD tucks her chin downwards, for whatever reason... she'll have a double chin.

My DD (19) and my DS (11) eat when they're hungry. My DD is 5'3", my Ds is 4'9" and their only noticable weight gain is... a slight double chin. Actually, in our case (and you may find that it's the same in yours), that's got a lot to do with there being a weak chin gene on my mother's side - my DD, in particular, has a chin, until she looks down. Genetics are weird things.

What I'm trying to say, OP is that you're not doing either yourself or your DD any favours by worrying about her weight at this age. There are all sorts of consequences for young girls being made to feel as though they're "fat" - eating disorders, infertility, and so on. You sound like a loving mother who feels - or has been made to feel - that you're using food as a substitute for something. You're not. Depriving your daughter of the food which she needs whilst she's still growing, isn't going to do her any favours.

She eats lunch at 1 (so 1.30 when finishes?) then dinner at 5? Only 3.5hrs later? No wonder she's not that hungry.

You seem a bit approximate with everything, if you are worried about things you need to run a tighter ship.

If you won't change your daily timings (which, I agree with PPs, would be best for everyone), let your 12yo eat at 6.30. Plate up her food and put it in fridge to reheat when she's ready.

At 5pm a 12yo should be doing homework or an activity. Not eating their last meal of the day when they're not even hungry. She's telling you loud and clear this doesn't work for her. She's not a 1yo.

My teens have an after school snack if we are eating late (biscuit or apple). If we eat early because they are going to scouts/youth club, they often want a snack when they get in at 9ish. Something like a glass of milk and an apple for DD1 or a hot chocolate for DD2. A sandwich sounds a bit substantial for a snack, may be better with just a slice of toast or piece of fruit.

If I look back at photos of dd a year ago she had a chubby face and a bit extra padding. She is no nearly 5'8" and adult size 10, slim face and has hips and boobs now. And boy can she eat. She couldn't go all night without supper.

If she isn't really hungry at 5pm can't she eat later? My usual rule is fruit and yogurt if you are hungry in the evening after you meal (both DC like them). I'd make an exception on days when they have been very active e.g. A rugby tournament - DS2 is 8 and ate a bigger meal than me after his last tournament. DS1 is 12 and has days when he has to be chased away from the fridge.

Thank you for all your help and suggestions! You've really helped me understand things better

I will do one meal as usual but make things easy to reheat or keep warm (casseroles in the slow cooker etc) I think the problem is going by the baby's timing which is obviously wrong for her.

If supper is still needed (which I doubt) I will do as others have said and offer low carb and high protein such as low fat Greek yoghurt.

Thanks for all the reassurances on her size. I agree she's at a funny age and hopefully won't put on too much over her teen years.

I will also see if I can get her into some sports and take her swimming more often. Thank you all so much, very helpful!

If she's hungry then she needs to be able to eat. Not being able to eat when hungry because of an early tea sounds awful. If she knows there will be food when she needs it then she shouldn't panic eat and can learn to regulate her appetite. Can't believe the person who said she should be able to cope on breakfast, school lunch and apple then supper! At what point in that regime does the child get a proper meal?? Fill fat yoghurt would probably fill her more and be better for her as well.

What's wrong with breakfast, lunch and supper, Stripyhoglets? 3 meals, that is what most people eat, surely? Supper does not have to be a cucumber, just a normal meal, but clearly not at 5. Eating too early means slotting in an extra meal because she's hungry.

I assumed that it meant a supper sized meal - like a snack - so no proper meal. 3 meals a day and 2 snacks helps keep blood sugar levels balanced. I couldn't just eat 3 times a day - I'd be miserable and grumpy by the time meal time round and probably eat too much in one go.

Supper, like tea, can be a meal including pudding or a light snack.

Tea is usually early evening and supper is usually late evening, but the words mean different things to different people. (Although there is no such thing as a cup of supper with milk and sugar ).

Everyone is difference. I would be hungry by bedtime if I ate dinner at 5pm (i used to live in Spain and to m 5pm is late lunch, not dinner!). If all her meals are healthy with sufficient protein and veg then I'd let her carry on. She wouldn't eat it if she wasn't hungry. At 12 I was skinny but ate like a horse (I was pretty active).
I'd work on encouraging her to exercise though!

My dd is 11 and I was a bit concerned about her weight over the summer. However, now she is at comp she is walking to and from school (nearly 2 miles each way) probably 7/10. I collect her a couple of nights due to activities or aftee school clubs. She has slimmed down considerably.

I would suggest increasing her excercise first and foremost. I could take her to and from school but have used toddler ds and an excuse not to.

Do you take her in or does she walk? Could you get her to do a physical hobby maybe or just increase as a family what activity you do at a weekend maybe?

Is she using supper as a stalling technique not to go to bed maybe? So call her at 8.30 and say if she wants anything.else she needs to come and get it now or go without.

Snack before bed here is a glass of milk and a banana.

Do you take her in or does she walk?

Her school is 2.5 miles away, it feels a little far

My parents still have their main meal at 5.30 - I grew up having tea and supper too. There's nothing inherently wrong with having tea at 5 but yes, she will likely be hungry again before bed.

Rather than fixing on her food, as you said in your pp, I'd focus on upping the exercise.

We now eat at 8 at the earliest, apart from 2x a week where it's 7 to fit in with DS. My DPs think we are most odd...

Could you perhaps take her part of the way, then she walks the rest? Mine both walk rather over a mile, on top of daily sport / dance, but I agree that 2.5 full miles, especially as it is dark in the mornings at the moment, may be a little far as a starting point.