AIBU to be pissed off and upset with DH for being unsupportive re my job?

[grumbletime]

I have been having a crazily busy time at work recently and DH has been unbelievably unsupportive.

To give some context, I used to work in an industry notorious for long hours. My hours weren't actually that bad but I knew it wasn't maintainable. I really enjoyed it but wanted a job with a good life balance, and whilst we don’t have children yet, one that was compatible with family life. So we discussed it and I moved to a job which isn’t as fulfilling but 90% of the time is a 9.30-5.30/6pm.

Dh has a very stressful, tiring job and sometimes has to work long hours and weekends, which I just accept. In terms of DH's career I have been ridiculously supportive. Giving up weekends and evenings to help him prepare for exams & write job applications, coach him through job interviews and even a couple of times write essays for courses he's had to go on. I don't mind doing it as I see us as a partnership and my involvement has helped him be more successful, which is beneficial to me, not only financially but also (because of his job) the better he is the more likely he is to get jobs in the location where I want to live (which is very competitive).

Sorry for all the waffle, but it feels kind of relevant to what is happening now. Which is that I have had a very high profile project on at work, which is very important and also good for my career if I do well on it. Because of this I was a bit stressed about it last week, and had to work on Sunday. I also ended up not getting home from work til 11pm on Tuesday and again last night (he likes to be in bed going to sleep at 11). I haven't asked him to help me out at all, other than spend 20 minutes listening to me rehearse my presentation. I also haven't even asked him to do things like think about whether there's anything for me to eat when I get home late without having had dinner.

But he has been so pissed off and moany this week, ringing me at work and complaining in quite a nasty way about me staying late. And also going on about how tired he is and how it's impacted his sleep because (twice!) we've gone to bed 20 minutes than normal (he says he can't sleep if we don't go to bed together). Last night I got home at 11pm and he had gone up to bed and didn't reply when I called up to say hello. I went and had a bowl of cereal (hadn't eaten since 12pm) and he came downstairs to rant at how inconsiderate I was being, how badly I was impacting on his sleep, and how I was just sitting there 'gorging' and then 'banished' me to the spare room so I didn’t disturb him and stormed back upstairs.

Sorry this has ended up very long, but I am so hurt and pissed off at how supportive I am over his career, and yet when I have an important but difficult time at work even just for a week all he can do is complain about how it's having a negative impact on him (which it's really not!). He doesn’t seem to think he’s done anything wrong – just texting ‘love you’ today and ignoring my pissed off texts.

He's being a petulant, manipulative brat. Your needs and wants are equal to his, and he doesn't seem to be coping with not being the epicentre.

'he says he can't sleep if we don't go to bed together'
Get him a nightlight and a cuddly toy.

Could be wrong, of course, but I don't think that the essential issue here is about career but is actually about to whom the OP's time belongs -- which is a huge, huge issue.

'you better be prepared to give up your career (much, much more than you already have)'

And much more than that. Your sense of individuality and self-worth will atrophy over the years and you won't even spot it dying off.
He needs to change, if he loves you he will. If his love is conditional on you prioritising him constantly, the relationship won't work out well for you.

He sounds very rigid.

It's hard to get a full night's sleep when you've got to be up early for work (I get up at 5am). Life gets in the way and you have to live a little, and if that means staying up longer than you ideally want, so be it.

He sounds very selfish and I suspect a little jealous/threatened by the role reversal.

Why on earth did you give up a job for a less fulfilling one ?

You seem to have prioritised his job as the one that will give you the warning power , and maybe he is interpreting this to mean that he deserves actual power within your relationship.

Drop the pissed off texts and have a proper direct conversation about this. But keep alert: harassing you for a few late nights, bring rigid about bed times, shouting at you and using language like 'gorging ' when you are eating cereal , it isn't healthy behaviour .

Earning power

He sounds horrible and selfish and possibly most importantly, sexist.

It's all about him and his job and his routine.

Be wary of having children with him because he sounds like the sort who will expect his life to change as little as possible and will expect you to do it all. Family life will have to revolve around him and only him.

He needs to apologise, understand that his nasty sexist selfishness must change and then change. Will he though? People generally don't.

Another one at the cheating, and both your and his apparent lack of all awareness that there was anything wrong with it. I'm afraid that bit sounded rather 'we don't care with how little integrity we behave as long as we get what we want'. Perhaps another reason to not have kids - those ethical 'standards' don't quite make for the best role model.

That aside, YANBU. Sounds like diddums' nose is out of joint because wifey isn't revolving around him. I agree with the others that that does not bode at all well for dc.

Dh and I both work in fairly demanding (different) fields and earn roughly the same pro rata. He works longer hours in a higher-responsibility, more important job (not in terms of earnings or power but in terms of its contribution to society and effect on people's lives). I prioritise his job above mine in most situations. He, though, doesn't - mine, to his mind, is equally important. He would be more than happy to take on some of the child sick days although I mostly WFH so it makes a great deal more sense for me to do it. He deals with the dc when I have to go away for work once in a while and more than pulls his weight with them and the housework when he's home. And this, for him, is normal - is the only way he would ever consider doing it. I'm lucky to have him - and he's lucky to have me. It seems to me, having been a parent for a decade now, that that 'team' attitude is one of the things that makes the early child years bearable if not easy. (And even we struggled at times). This behaviour really does not bode well. And honestly, the bedtime thing

I think about ten posters have now said this, it is becoming the theme of the thread and there is a very good reason for that - do not have children with this man.

I would worry that with children he would resent them taking the focus away from him. Based on what you have said so far, I wouldn't rule out him being jealous of a baby.

Thanks everyone for your replies. We have had a talk about it. Initially he did what I thought he would - which would be to blame it on being grumpy and tired after two particularly draining weeks at work for him. When I pushed him more on why he was so childish about me having to work late (separate from the sleep issue) he said it's because often the one thing he looks forward to when he's having a stressful time is coming home and seeing me and having dinner together. But whilst it's fine for him to be sad about that and miss me, it's not fine to be pissed off at me for it! The sleep issue is a difficult one, think we're just going to have to have a spare bedroom policy in the future.

I changed jobs mainly for me, yes the fact that we want to start a family was a consideration, but even if I didn't have children I wouldn't want to be in a job where your work was always expected to come first and your life outside work didn't matter.

I think we are going to have to have some longer, deeper discussions though, particularly about his and my expectations of how our lives are going to change when it comes to children.

Also I do recognise the ethical dubiousness of the coursework writing. It has only happened twice and was part of those 'Continual Professional Development' type things that were recognised to be a load of bollocks by everyone but were mandatory so people would just bash them out. The problem with DH is he's a perfectionist so would take an entire weekend writing them when I could do it in a couple of hours and we could have the rest of the weekend to ourselves. So they didn't actually give him any 'career advantage' so to speak but I recognise a lot of people will think it's wrong!

Well, I hope he has full empathy over what it was like for YOU coming home at 11 to a shouting DH and no dinner, since coming home to a stress free home is so important to HIM.

And that he gives some thought to how you might feel when he is working late and at weekends.

If he wanted to be married to a 1950s housewife he should have been born decades ago.

Keep your eyes open OP.

I would love to come home from work - and to bed - to my DH with a smile, but adult life ain't like that very often! Even in the 50s women got pissed off with that kind of shit.

grumble, you can discuss things all you want but don't make any move to start a family until he's acted like an adult, ideally for a long time.

I can tell you that when you earn 10x what your husband does (as I did) the power is all with you - feminism rules! Don't under estimate how much better life is when you earn a lot even if that means less time changing endless nappies.

Perhaps ask him if he'd give up his job to stay at home with the children for starters and see what he says.

Duckdeamon Reminds me of my mum in the late 50'ds if my dad criticised anything she made for him she'd whip the plate back scrape off what was on it in the dogs bowl, an then throw the plate at him!

She had a really good Irish temper!

OP - he sounds like he needs everything to be very much exactly as he wants, without any flexibility.

Often (but not always) people like that are either gearing up to become quite controlling, or they are someone on the spectrum who hasn't been diagnosed.

OR he could just be an immature man-child who will grow up once he's swallowed a few home truths.

But - if during the talking, and over the next few months, he can't see how unfair he's been. If he still thinks that his needs are more important than yours, then you need to have a really good hard think about how you want your life to pan out. Because if he genuinely believes that he comes before you, then that is how he will live for the rest of his days.

It reads to me as though he pictures himself in a starring role in your household, with you as little more than one of the props.

He sees you as being there to make his life more comfortable but seems to not even think about what might make your life better.

What is he like when you're ill? Is he caring and attentive or does he grump around the house making you feel worse? My XH acted like your DH when I had to stay at work late (I could hardly say no if I had an urgent home visit!!) and he also didn't like going to bed without me. I didn't recognise the behaviour until it was too late and resentment had already crept in.

If 'everyone' agrees that the CPD essays are a load of bollocks for bashing out, and yet your 'perfectionist' DH would still have spent an unreasonable amount of time getting them just right, then I suspect still more that having kids with him will turn out to be a bit of a nightmare. Family life is quite stressful enough all by itself, without a controlling perfectionist flipping out angrily in the background. Sorry, I know this probably isn't what you're wanting to hear. Good luck with it all, OP.

Please don't have children with this man. He behaviour will be 1000 worse if you have children.

I agree that if you had children it would be very hard. Actually any life change. Children, loss of jobs, illness, parents getting old and ill, how is he going to cope with all these things?
He sounds very rigid. Also he sounds resentful to me even so you said that he is proud of your career. Maybe deep down he doesn't like it that you are doing well?

But tbh you both sound dependant. Couples dont have to always sleep and eat together.
Why did you not eat since 12? that's not his fault. Either buy lunch and dinner or if money is tight take packed homemade food at work.