Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off and upset with DH for being unsupportive re my job?

72 replies

grumbletime · 04/12/2015 15:53

I have been having a crazily busy time at work recently and DH has been unbelievably unsupportive.

To give some context, I used to work in an industry notorious for long hours. My hours weren't actually that bad but I knew it wasn't maintainable. I really enjoyed it but wanted a job with a good life balance, and whilst we don’t have children yet, one that was compatible with family life. So we discussed it and I moved to a job which isn’t as fulfilling but 90% of the time is a 9.30-5.30/6pm.

Dh has a very stressful, tiring job and sometimes has to work long hours and weekends, which I just accept. In terms of DH's career I have been ridiculously supportive. Giving up weekends and evenings to help him prepare for exams & write job applications, coach him through job interviews and even a couple of times write essays for courses he's had to go on. I don't mind doing it as I see us as a partnership and my involvement has helped him be more successful, which is beneficial to me, not only financially but also (because of his job) the better he is the more likely he is to get jobs in the location where I want to live (which is very competitive).

Sorry for all the waffle, but it feels kind of relevant to what is happening now. Which is that I have had a very high profile project on at work, which is very important and also good for my career if I do well on it. Because of this I was a bit stressed about it last week, and had to work on Sunday. I also ended up not getting home from work til 11pm on Tuesday and again last night (he likes to be in bed going to sleep at 11). I haven't asked him to help me out at all, other than spend 20 minutes listening to me rehearse my presentation. I also haven't even asked him to do things like think about whether there's anything for me to eat when I get home late without having had dinner.

But he has been so pissed off and moany this week, ringing me at work and complaining in quite a nasty way about me staying late. And also going on about how tired he is and how it's impacted his sleep because (twice!) we've gone to bed 20 minutes than normal (he says he can't sleep if we don't go to bed together). Last night I got home at 11pm and he had gone up to bed and didn't reply when I called up to say hello. I went and had a bowl of cereal (hadn't eaten since 12pm) and he came downstairs to rant at how inconsiderate I was being, how badly I was impacting on his sleep, and how I was just sitting there 'gorging' and then 'banished' me to the spare room so I didn’t disturb him and stormed back upstairs.

Sorry this has ended up very long, but I am so hurt and pissed off at how supportive I am over his career, and yet when I have an important but difficult time at work even just for a week all he can do is complain about how it's having a negative impact on him (which it's really not!). He doesn’t seem to think he’s done anything wrong – just texting ‘love you’ today and ignoring my pissed off texts.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 04/12/2015 17:37

Please don't have children with someone who can't cope with a twenty mons late bedtime and one that thinks getting up at 6 is a huge hardship. Just don't.
And of course the lack of support for you - I'd spell that out for him.

GreenTomatoJam · 04/12/2015 17:41

Good God, DP is pretty self-absorbed, but when I've had to work some long hours and come to bed late he's been worried and helpful, not angry!

DP also likes going to bed together, but if one of us can't then we can't it's no big thing (I'm not some comfort teddy bear that he can't sleep without!)

He's being ridiculous. Don't have kids with this bloke. He will not cope.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 04/12/2015 17:49

I wouldn't have shouted up to him when you got in late, that's inconsiderate, but otherwise definitely yanbu. He's not being remotely supportive and I'd be hurt.

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/12/2015 17:57

A grown man who can't go to sleep on his own?

Sounds like someone's feeling threatened by your career success...

whois · 04/12/2015 18:16

If he's going to bed at 11 and getting up at 6 he's getting a minimum amount of sleep, I can see why he doesn't like having his routine messed with.

Then the adult thing to do is to send a text to your partner saying "sorry your working so hard this week :-( ready meal in the fridge for you. Please can you sleep in the spare room if you're going to be later than 11? Thanks. Love you."

StealthPolarBear · 04/12/2015 18:17

7 hours of presumably unbroken sleep every night is pretty good.

MrsLupo · 04/12/2015 18:20

Agree with posters who are advising you to think twice about having kids with him. He really doesn't sound like he's going to cope with that particular life change, to put it mildly. And if you're pulling all the weight when it's just you two, then multiply that by a zillion once there's a baby to factor in, never mind 2 or 3. The impact on your career is going to be huge, you'll drown in all the shitwork (unless you pay someone to do it), and you'll end up hating him for it. I think you need to have a full and frank discussion sooner rather than later, OP.

Oh, and, I know this is missing the point of the thread spectacularly, but isn't getting your wife to write your essays...um...cheating? Hmm

LineyReborn · 04/12/2015 18:21

Don't have children with this one. Just don't.

He sounds so like my ExH. Utterly selfish.

Mermaid36 · 04/12/2015 18:23

YANBU

My DH works long hours at work, including lots of travelling (whilst I have an office based 9-5 job). Even if he isn't going to be back until stupid o'clock, I make sure there is something for him to eat (crumpets, ready meal, whatever) and I'd never fuss about us needing to go to bed at the same time!

He needs to get a grip and start supporting you properly!

TendonQueen · 04/12/2015 18:34

You've really been the victim of your own success here. He thinks career support is a one-way street in his direction.

And I thought the same as MrsLupo about the essays. Proofreading them, yes. Writing them for him is dishonest and goes beyond 'supporting' him.

Justaboy · 04/12/2015 18:36

Yes children, I read that thread and I thought thank god that they weren't involved. You need to sort this relationship out now as when they come on the scene you will be really stressed;!.

HPsauciness · 04/12/2015 18:39

Thank goodness you have found out now what he really believes- which is that he and his career are more important than you and your career, and your duty is to support him but not the other way around. There are lots of men like this around, unfortunately (I know quite a few women married to one) but you only usually get to find out once you have a baby and you start recreating the 1950's in your very own home.

PennyHasNoSurname · 04/12/2015 18:48

To the poster who said he is getting the minimum amount of sleep - he is choosing this. He doesnt go to bed unless she is there - he is quite welcome to go whenever suits! He chooses not to. He chooses to wait for her and insist she comes to bed at the same time.

I often work til 11pm, home for 11.30, and it really is almost impossible to get to sleep straight away without at least a little downtime after a shift.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/12/2015 19:00

Stop babying him. Don't write his bloody essays for him and don't allow his career to become the dominant topic. He clearly doesn't see any need to support you.

SevenSeconds · 04/12/2015 19:38

I would be so furious about this! He sounds like he is taking you for granted and can't bear to be the one giving, rather than taking, for a change. Please don't let him get away without a proper apology OP.

echt · 04/12/2015 19:57

Another one who is HmmHmm, and thinking about those people who didn't get on those courses because they had no-one to write essays for them. Yes, it is cheating.

He's a petulant man-child.

Duckdeamon · 04/12/2015 20:25

What do you mean "his normal excuse" for being a dick? Is he often "grumpy" and rude?

Wonder if other things about him and his actions bother you too, perhaps been brushed aside in your mind.

There are a lot of things that sound bad.

His use of the term "gorging" about your eating - cereal!

That you used to have a demanding job and moved to a less satisfying one with shorter hours in preparation for marriage and DC; whereas he still does his chosen career with no adjustments to his working life, and has had a very high - probably too high - level of support from you. Which he doesn't reciprocate when you are busy. (Suggest sheryl sandburg's "lean in" about the topic of women making career limiting choices for relationships even before DC - and re choice of a supportive partner m!)

His expectation that you should go to bed with him and not stay up later. Would he get arsey if you refused sometimes?

He really doesn't sound like someone who would adjust well to life with DC. Would he expect you to go PT or stop work, or to do your job and all the childcare? Sounds like things are lines up for you to be in that situation - "makes sense for You to do it, my job is higher paid and more demanding".

redexpat · 04/12/2015 20:29

I understand the sleep thing. I cant sleep if DH is in the house, but not in bed. I know he will didturb me when he comes in. If he is on cub camp I sleep fine because I know he wont come in and disturb me. Our comprimise is that when he is on call he sleeps in the spare room so Im not disturbed by him coming and going. Having said all that 20 minutes isnt that much of a big deal is it?

Duckdeamon · 04/12/2015 20:30

You wanted a better work/life balance: apparently he wants to carry on with his long hours and perhaps being top career dog and master of the house?

Did that "balance" you envisaged involve lots of time caring for DC while your H works?

ImperialBlether · 04/12/2015 20:33

Oh I really wanted to kick you when you said you'd given up a job you loved for one that was less fulfilling! Why did you do that, ffs! Bad enough to do it when you have to, eg if you have a baby, but when you didn't have to?

And then to live with that selfish man. You deserve so much more than that, you know.

dontrunwithscissors · 04/12/2015 20:39

Oh boy, if this is his attitude toward you putting in extra hours without children, you better be prepared to give up your career (much, much more than you already have) if you have kids.

Duckdeamon · 04/12/2015 20:43

If you haven't previously discussed the nitty gritty of how you will manage parenthood together

Wonder if his assumption is that he will continue as now and you will take the career back seat to him, perhaps WoH, but do far, far more of the childcare and domestics . That deal works for some people, but don't go into it blind.

violetbunny · 05/12/2015 01:35

Is he often this selfish?

I also struggle to sleep without my partner there, but he often has to work late evenings and I would never berate him for being home late from work.

Your DP needs it spelled out to him that this extremely selfish behaviour is not on.

PoorFannyRobin · 05/12/2015 06:09

OP, this behavior sends up lots of red flags. You're being punished for not thinking of him first, last, and always. This rigidity in his setting the household bedtime, anger and casting aspersions at your breaking of his rules (eating at the wrong time), banishing you to the guest room (not letting you sleep in your own bed) he doesn't care about your project or about fairness and reciprocity or about how his behavior has impacted your ability to function. You just aren't supposed to make any decisions about your own time because, again, this means that you aren't considering the minutiae of his desires every second of the day (and night). My guess is that he is going to continue to punish you, upset you, make you ill whenever you deviate from what he wants. I'm pretty sure that he thinks that you should KNOW at all times what he expects and probably feels that you are on some level purposefully failing to live up to his expectations and desires because what he does is always done on purpose. He doesn't intend on changing his behavior and will continue, I'm afraid, teaching you a lesson when he feels you need it. He wants your mental attention at all times -- and, to him, bad attention will work as well as good attention. OP, I would really look at your overall relationship and agree with the other posters that having children with this man will bring all kinds of misery.

bittapitta · 05/12/2015 06:16

Red flags, alarm bells, great replies here but the most important thing is please do not have children with him!

It's okay to leave. He's hardly making your life easier.

Swipe left for the next trending thread