Religious discrimination grievance? AIBU

[Namechangedforthisdrama1]

So a colleague of mine is a lovely woman, we often go out for lunch together and are very close. she is however, very very religious and pushy of her religion, I had my dd out of wedlock and she continued to tell me throughout my pregnancy that I must get married and the baby will grow up with no morals ect..

Anyway the other day we were discussing her marriage, she had an arranged marriage which meant that She had to give up uni (years into a medicine degree) to bring her husband to the UK and and then had To work at a part time job at my work, she always talks about this but says it's her path to take ect.

She has lost 12 babies and I have been there for her throughout, she has openly admitted it's due to 'genetic' issues as her husband is her first cousin, I went to see her when her son tragically passed a few months ago in hospital and she was destroyed, but her husband has forced her to keep tying (she gets pregnant usually a month after mc)

I was talking to her about this but she has told me that in her religion you must have many children or you are a failure, I said to her that it was not her fault - and not her fault that she has been made to be with a first cousin and have children with him.

She then told me about her sister who has been getting abused by her husband for 20 years, I asked her why her sister hadn't left this man, she was horrified at the idea and said you can't leave a marriage that is terrible why would I suggest this etc..

Then I asked what her parents thought of this, she said 'they are trying to keep the peace and they can't let her leave him as they would be looked down on by the community' she said this was the plan for her sister and she had to deal with it as that was the man that had been chosen for her.

This made me angry, I have been in an abusive relationship and when my dad found out I'm pretty sure he wanted to kill the man. I also thought of my daughter being forced to put up with an abuser from the age of 17 scared I would disown her if She left.

I told her that her parents were idiots if they thought that and if that's what there religion is about then in my opinion, I can't see why anyone would want to be a part of it. I said that to watch her sister be abused for 20 years is horrendous and her parents should be protecting her above there 'rules'

Anyway I have since found out that she has put a complaint in against me to HR and said I discriminated against her and her religion.
We have since continued at lunch and being friends and I am shocked to find out she has done this.

So WIBU? I have no issue against her religion, just against what was going on. I don't know what to say to her or to HR.

So you think expressing an opinion on religion is the same as making a leery, sexist remark?

Nice.

I didn't say that. I illustrated that simply expressing an honest opinion can be oppressive, that "honesty" is not some magic quality that makes what is said OK. Similarly, just expressing an honest opinion about religion can be unprofessional.

The OP didn't simply say "I really disagree with putting the marriage as an institution above the individuals in that marriage." or "I think physical abuse sullies the honour of the family and individual much more than divorce does". She called her colleague's parents idiots. That's pretty belittling. If this belittling of the values she lives by happens constantly in the work environment, that can make it hostile.

So your friend is of Pakistani origin?

You have actually criticized her culture not her faith.

Nothing wrong with that when the culture actively oppresses people.

OP, you have expressed differences of opinion. what does she mean by discriminated?

You probably have the meeting at work because this is a formality after having received a grievance. I wound not worry. she hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Why do we have to keep understanding the cultures of (some) people who do not agree with the culture of the country they have chosen to live in?

All this squirming around. If you called the pope an idiot, or far worse, on MN and some Catholics had the temerity to object, they would be slapped down.

Why is Islam so different?

If this woman told you that her sister has been abused for 20 years then she is complicit in a crime isn't she? Maybe you should contact the police, OP, and inform them of this, or at least inform HR that having reflected you now realise that this person has been allowing criminal activity to continue and you feel you need to act as a matter of conscience. That'll shut her up.

Calling people 'idiots' is not a crime. Abusing women for years and years certainly is a crime so your so called 'friend' needs a new perspective. Perhaps you could send her google links to the case of Shafilia Ahmed and the many other women who have been raped and murdered by their on families for not accepting a life of abuse.

This being mumsnet where everyone is so terribly honest, I am sure that this a real incident that definitely happened and not a way to try to 'prove' that Muslims are barbarians and white people are victims. If I wasn't so sure of mnetters' honesty I might have my suspicions.

Boom

I didn't say that. I illustrated that simply expressing an honest opinion can be oppressive, that "honesty" is not some magic quality that makes what is said OK. Similarly, just expressing an honest opinion about religion can be unprofessional.

It's implicit in the context of this discussion.

But if that answer isn't good enough for you, then I'd say that a man (except a very stupid one) who makes a comment on his colleague's breasts is certainly not just 'expressing an honest opinon'. He is throwing his weight around.

An alternative answer would be to qualify my comment by saying "honesty is best as long as you and anything you say may be taken down and used as evidence against you if you inadvertantly hurt your colleague's feelings". Which is basically an instruction on staff not to say anything at all unless it necessarily and only relates to work. Which is basically a blanket denial of the natural human instinct to get to know one's colleagues and converse with them on matters other than work.

She called her colleague's parents idiots.

Unless it was delivered as a put-down, it was fair comment albeit in strong language.

If this woman told you that her sister has been abused for 20 years then she is complicit in a crime isn't she? Maybe you should contact the police,

Good point... As a society we've finally stood up to FGM, and accepted that just because it's part of a particular culture it shouldn't be accepted, shouldn't we do the same about culturally driven domestic abuse?... And refuse to be fobbed-off by those who respond they we're being islamophobic or the such like (of course I'm not equating this 'culture' with Islam, which can iandnis practiced in all manner of ways)

Maybe hr will advise the police? I hope they are not the lily libered 'mustn't upset people' types.

All this squirming around. If you called the pope an idiot, or far worse, on MN and some Catholics had the temerity to object, they would be slapped down.

Actually, I don't think it is true. Look, here, I am going to try it out:

Calling the pope an idiot (or worse) is rude and contributes nothing valuable to a debate about religious values.

Let's see if I get slapped.

@NeedAScarf: There's a difference between rational understanding and understanding because you feel the same.

I understand that OP's "friend" acts like this because of societal stockholm syndrome, and similar psychological phenomena I read about.

However, I too, hope I will never get into a situation wherein I would let a man force miscarriage after miscarriage on me, and then file a complaint against a dear friend for telling me that I should not let myself be treated like this.