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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I never really "click" with people?

34 replies

GlitteryRollers · 03/12/2015 19:54

Probably a bit of a woe is me post, but I can't help but notice that I hardly ever seem to click with people. Even with people ive known for a while theres always slight awkwardness, probably on my part. I can't remember the last time I felt a strong click with someone where you immediately feel relaxed and at ease in their company. People do seem to like me, but I just don't feel any connection with them.

I feel like I don't belong in most places, apart from with my family. I don't feel like anyone ever really gets me or understand me properly.

Recently I've been wondering if I'm possibly a bit autistic. I've worked with children on the spectrum and Ive noticed I share some of their traits. I hate routine change, struggle with eye contact, am often a bit slow to get when someone is joking with me or not. I may be wrong, but I don't feel like I belong, anywhere.

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 03/12/2015 20:23

You could just be an introvert. There are a lot of us about!

Outfoxed · 03/12/2015 20:27

I'm the same. Luckily I also find almost all social interaction Excruciating so it really doesn't bother me at all!

M48294Y · 03/12/2015 20:28

Yanbu

Original poster
GlitteryRollers · 03/12/2015 20:28

Possibly. But would be an introvert make it hard for you know what to say in social situations? I hate the sound of my own voice, I think it sounds stupid.

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 03/12/2015 20:30

would be an introvert make it hard for you know what to say in social situations?

Yes, definitely.

LadyMaryofDownt0n · 03/12/2015 20:33

Yep sounds just like me & I hate interacting with others & feel akward especially when there are several groups if people.

Are you working? I find it very hard to fit in at work, I feel like I just don't get people.

beardsrock · 03/12/2015 20:34

' introvert make it hard for you know what to say in social situations'

Yes from me too.

Original poster
GlitteryRollers · 03/12/2015 20:36

I do work, yes. I used to work in an office and that was like torture for me. Thankfully no more.

OP posts:
Hopelass · 03/12/2015 20:37

Me too! I could have written your post!

EatDessertFirst · 03/12/2015 20:39

Sounds like me too. I think I may come across as standoffish sometimes, but I can't bring myself to laugh at someones husbands' crap jokes or join in with moaning about stuff that doesn't really bother/affect me unlike most other mums at my DC school who are determined to be annoyed by everything the school does. I am fiercely loyal to the few real friends I have, and would do anything for them, which they know.

Brokenwardrobe · 03/12/2015 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrimsonPleb · 03/12/2015 20:45

I can do chatting (after years of practice) and meet ups and drinks and dinners but anything more involved than that I find uncomfortable and intrusive. I used to really crave closer friendships but now I know it's just not me at all and I've made peace with that.

It reads like you have clicked with people in the past so maybe you will again. In the meantime go easy on yourself.

invisiblegorilla · 03/12/2015 20:46

I'm the same. I always feel like I'm putting on a bit of an act- a lot of what I say is just rehearsed from watching other people in certain situations. No idea if that's normal. I look back and cringe at the times before I 'learned' how to fit in...but deep down, there isn't really that click with others either. Maybe it's because it's such hard, calculated work to talk to people, except for a very few old friends.

It makes me very sad at times.

Tina39tina · 03/12/2015 21:02

Same. 1-1 I am confident and chatty , in a group or even just 2 people I feel awkward and just end up being very quiet or cancelling!

hollieberrie · 03/12/2015 21:03

I'm the same. I can fake it pretty well and im sure people wouldnt guess how awkward i feel, but i secretly just want to get away and be on my own! Even when i see my friends, after an hour or 2 i always feel the need to leave and be alone in the quiet.

I think its just the way us introverts are. I'm also an HSP - highly sensitive person - noise, crowds etc really stress me. It sounds like waffly crap i know but reading about HSPs really struck a chord with me. You could have a look:
www.hsperson.com

Gwenhwyfar · 03/12/2015 21:18

"1-1 I am confident and chatty , in a group or even just 2 people I feel awkward and just end up being very quiet or cancelling!"

Shy people are often advised to go for one-to-one conversations, but I find those much harder. There's more eye contact and more pressure to come up with things to say. I'm happier in groups of 3 or 4.
I don't like big groups just because it's only the very noise people who get heard in big groups.

Jw35 · 03/12/2015 21:42

I'm an introvert, possibly in the spectrum.

I'm ok one on one but not in groups. I hate prolonged eye contact it feels like my eyes are burning! I can't cope with crowds, busy places, shopping centres etc. I don't like bright light, only lava lamps and the like. I only have a couple of close friends and I hate it when they visit even though I love them to bits! I don't do casual friends or friends just for coffee. I hate small talk. TV annoys me unless it's a specific type of programme/film. I hate suspense, I'm anxious and obsessive. I don't fit in with most people yet I'm not unfriendly!

SouthernShepherdess · 03/12/2015 21:42

Ah welcome to my world!! Thought I was the only one! Actually, I find making eye contact really hard with strangers. Has got worse in recent years. You aren't the only one who feels like a misfit.

NoMoreGrimble · 03/12/2015 21:45

Another introvert here. Unfortunately I think I am also raising one too. My DD (10) is very similar to me and I worry for her future :(

BrandNewAndImproved · 03/12/2015 21:48

I'm really good in groups, have excellent leadership skills and I love giving presentations and talks.

I'm shit at small talk and gelling with people. I had a similar thread not to long ago and someone said I sound autistic. I did an online test and came out borderline.

I'd love to be effortlessly chatty and social but I'm not. I find it really hard to know when the cue is for my turn to shut up/reply/talk. If it's something I have experience in I love to give my two penny worths but normal social talk I just don't get.

I also say inappropriate things at the wrong time, not a lot of people get my dry sardonic sense of humour.

Branleuse · 03/12/2015 21:54

maybe you are aspie. Its not particularly rare.

Original poster
GlitteryRollers · 03/12/2015 21:55

I talk over people a lot as well. I'm terrified of offending people or sounding rude.

OP posts:
ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 03/12/2015 22:00

I think it's quite common for people to incorrectly use introvert and shyness/social anxiety interchangeably. It's even happened already by quite a few posters on this thread.

They're actually not the same thing. There are introverts who are outgoing and chatty as well as introverts who are more reserved and shy. Being an introvert simply means you need to have a fair bit of time alone and need that alone time to recharge. Being with other people drains you however that does not equal being shy, quiet, etc.

So no, being an introvert would have no bearing on whether you know what to talk about. However shyness or social anxiety might. Likewise being ASD may also cause this.

melonribena · 03/12/2015 22:01

I'm the same. Everyone else seems to click with others and conversation flows naturally. It never happens for me

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 03/12/2015 22:05

Fwiw I'm autistic and I never really click with people either. I also struggle to know what yo talk about.

If you have a lot of traits then it might be worth getting assessed.