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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Met up with old friend, was shit!

57 replies

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 11:29

Met up with old friend yest evening who I lived with for a year at university. She had a mental health condition which meant she could go between extreme highs and extreme lows, and proved to be quite difficult to live with. She's always had an intense personality and that really became obvious during our period living together. She rarely asked my housemates and me about our lives, instead telling us the minutiae of hers and ranting on for hours. Things came to a head when she made a huge deal of a personal event she was having, insisting on five days of celebrations in her honour. This was the culmination of months of accusations from her about us being "terrible friends" and in the end we sought to distance ourselves from her.

Anyway bumped into her recently and she seemed stable and more mature (this all happened three years ago) so decided to go for a drink with her and former housemate. She was unbelievably irritating!!! Was OBSESSED with housemate, directing all questions at her, barely looking at me, not even waiting for a reaction to her annoying stories before pressing on with the next one. She complimented my friend on her looks, asked about her love life and asked me one question in two hours! To be fair she barely asked my friend any questions either. It was absolutely terrible. She has zero self awareness.

Worst bit was when she brought up events from university and how "left out" she had felt! I don't condone having distanced her from the group but equally she was IMPOSSIBLE to live with and it was the only way we could protect our own sanity. She demanded answers, told us how hurt she'd been, and started shit-stirring about previous group gossip. I couldn't beloev

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Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 11:31

Sorry unfinished post...

That should say "I couldn't believe how self-obsessed she was. Aib to delete her number and never have anything to do with her again?"

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MuttonWasAGoose · 03/12/2015 11:31

You're well rid of her!

I wonder if these people are unhappy or just blissfully unaware.

Pepperpot123 · 03/12/2015 11:31

She's hard work. Leave her in the past where she belongs! You've satisfied your curiosity by meeting her but yanbu to leave it there.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 03/12/2015 11:33

Well that's a lesson learnt then. Chalk it up to experience and cut her out for good now. Sounds like you didn't like her much to start with!

BadLad · 03/12/2015 11:34

It's not unusual. I met up with one of my best friends from university a couple of years ago. After about half an hour I realised I now hated him, so we just parted and didn't bother getting in touch again.

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 11:35

Thanks. It did strike me that perhaps she had very few "true" friends. The kinds of things she was talking about were all things you would tell people who were very close to you, certainly not people who you hadn't spoken to for three years! She was unbelievable. Funnily enough she cornered a v good friend of mine the other week and started a similar monologue at her (they barely know each other!) which suggests she just needs an outlet, a generic person, she doesn't actually care who she is talking to or whether she even knows them/they like her!! She is very charismatic and gives a good first impression but there is no substance behind the facade

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Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 11:37

badlybehaved - I did like her at first, that's why I lived with her! But she showed her true colours early on and I have her second chance after second chance. Decided to meet up for casual drink thinking we could catch up but she just really showed how rude she was

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KeepOnMoving1 · 03/12/2015 11:38

Good riddance I say. Some people are just not worth the time. Shame though, as it seems like this is what he life will be. Can't see many people sticking for the long term.

ovenchips · 03/12/2015 11:38

Well, now you know she hasn't changed, and you have the luxury of not living with her so not forced to be around her. Delete

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 11:44

Ta everyone. Sorry for rant! Just needed to offload. It's so hard to know how much of it is her and how much of it is her condition, but I do honestly think it's her. Having lived with her full time and seen her behaviour with my own ways, I think she's just very rude and very self-obsessed

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Justaboy · 03/12/2015 11:56

Poor girl. Sounds very much like she's suffering from bipolar illness:-(

Try to tolerate her, understand her, emphasise with her, but please don't despise her.

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 11:59

Justaboy - please don't misunderstand me, I absolutely have tried to understand and empathise with her. I certainly don't despise her. She is just very rude indeed unfortunately and treated me badly for the umpteenth time yesterday. She just sat and stared at my friend for hours, barely looked at or talked to me, and went on and on for hours. Would it have killed her to asked about my life or my news? Or at least waited for a reaction to her stories? It wasnt just tiring, it was plain rude

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Justaboy · 03/12/2015 12:02

OK Feline that wasn't a criticism as such, they are very difficult to live with and understand. On another tread here a poor woman is burdened with a husband like that who is fine one day and not the next, same condition.

Yes it is very sometimes impossibly difficult, my first wife had that affliction and in the end ended it all:-(

MuttonWasAGoose · 03/12/2015 12:02

I don't think we should feel obligated to tolerate people who behave badly due to mental illness. Obviously, we can feel sympathy for them but why should we put ourselves in their company?

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:05

I 100% feel sympathy for her and would never knowingly hurt her by using her condition against her. I politely tolerated her company yesterday but never want to see her again. I just feel like I owe her nothing!

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ricketytickety · 03/12/2015 12:06

She sounded like she wanted answers about what had happened at university whilst she was having mental health issues. What did you tell her?

Justaboy · 03/12/2015 12:06

Don't then, you don't have to, but as asked try to tolerate them, after all would you feel the same way about someone who had say a cancer of some sort that's an illness too?.

As to their behaviour this quote sums it up well.

"forgive them; for they know not what they do"

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:09

Rickety - yes she probably did but as it happened three years ago I didn't see the point in bringing things up again. It was my first time living away from home with friends, she was incredibly difficult at times - would demand I went to her work to see her there, demand that I went to events she was performing at, then kick off if her every expectation wasn't met - and I just had to let go a bit. What should I have said? That she was extremely aggressive and demanding, and couldn't appreciate how her own actions hurt people? I just vaguely mentioned how people do grow apart but how I was glad we were able to meet up civilly again.

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littlemermaid80 · 03/12/2015 12:09

She has mental health issues and clearly isn't on the same page as most people. She sounds a nightmare but as someone else said you aren't obligated to associate with someone who makes you unhappy.

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:11

Justaboy - I have forgiven her. If she was a nice person with a mental illness I would probably be a lot more forgiving. But she is not a nice person and whilst I empathise with the difficulties of her condition, I certainly don't empathise with her nastiness as a person.

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Fatherwishmas · 03/12/2015 12:11

I have found that in life people don't really change. don't look back,

TheSecondViola · 03/12/2015 12:14

I don't think we should feel obligated to tolerate people who behave badly due to mental illness. Obviously, we can feel sympathy for them but why should we put ourselves in their company?

You don't have to be in their company if you don't want to. But neither do you have to be a dick by complaining about them on here and inviting the whole of aibu to be a dick about the mentally ill "friend"

Justaboy · 03/12/2015 12:18

FelineGood, Yes that's understandable, its all part of the illness and sometimes people can suffer from that and are hardly realise that they are!.

It can be treated sometimes but getting people to realise there're ill is hard work in itself;(

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:22

TheSecondViola you're not quoting me there, what makes you think I believe that? In what way am I inviting the whole of aibu to "be a dick about the mentally ill"?

Justaboy - thanks, good to know. I really don't want to get into a debate about bipolar as I know it is understandably close to the hearts of many posters and am not educated enough about it to know exactly how sufferers are affected. What I do know, is that my ex-housemate was incredibly difficult to live with and I made so many concessions for this, happily. I just found it unbelievably offensive when she didn't talk to me ONCE and just spent the whole night gazing at my friend and leaving me out. It was so rude.

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Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:24

Anyway will just leave it here. Thank you to those who have offered advice. She is better off without me I'm sure and I feel like I have nothing of substance to add to her life. I absolutely wish her well.

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