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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Met up with old friend, was shit!

57 replies

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 11:29

Met up with old friend yest evening who I lived with for a year at university. She had a mental health condition which meant she could go between extreme highs and extreme lows, and proved to be quite difficult to live with. She's always had an intense personality and that really became obvious during our period living together. She rarely asked my housemates and me about our lives, instead telling us the minutiae of hers and ranting on for hours. Things came to a head when she made a huge deal of a personal event she was having, insisting on five days of celebrations in her honour. This was the culmination of months of accusations from her about us being "terrible friends" and in the end we sought to distance ourselves from her.

Anyway bumped into her recently and she seemed stable and more mature (this all happened three years ago) so decided to go for a drink with her and former housemate. She was unbelievably irritating!!! Was OBSESSED with housemate, directing all questions at her, barely looking at me, not even waiting for a reaction to her annoying stories before pressing on with the next one. She complimented my friend on her looks, asked about her love life and asked me one question in two hours! To be fair she barely asked my friend any questions either. It was absolutely terrible. She has zero self awareness.

Worst bit was when she brought up events from university and how "left out" she had felt! I don't condone having distanced her from the group but equally she was IMPOSSIBLE to live with and it was the only way we could protect our own sanity. She demanded answers, told us how hurt she'd been, and started shit-stirring about previous group gossip. I couldn't beloev

OP posts:

Justaboy · 03/12/2015 12:25

TheSecondViola All understood and points taken, and yes I do understand very well that last sentence:-(

Justaboy · 03/12/2015 12:28

FelineGood Soz! wrong attribution!.

Never mind, it wasnt a pleasent experience, but in my book if it makes just one person try to understand her condition, then we have done something good in this world today:-)

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:32

No worries justaboy

I am very sorry to hear about your first wife. Thanks for your comments, they have been enlightening and you are right that her behaviour probably does stem from the condition, to a large extent. If I was living with her again I'm sure I would have tried hard to tolerate her and be a good friend to her. I certainly would not have (and indeed did not in the past) judge her for it. I just would prefer to not be in her company in the future. We are different people and while I do not dislike her, I think it is good to leave things as they are for now. Fwiw, I was extremely polite to her all evening.

OP posts:

schrodcat · 03/12/2015 12:35

Well, OP, she sounds like a bit of a socially awkward person in addition to / irrespective of being bipolar. I am a bit curious about why you are letting her / it annoy you? You don't have to be her friend. It sounds like you're not terribly well-suited, tbh. Do you feel guilty, and you feel irritated that you're being "made" to feel guilty because you're somehow not allowed to dislike the mentally ill? She probably suspects she can be a bit of an annoyance, and you may well be right that she has few friends - but that doesn't mean she needs your grudging friendship based on the accident of you having been thrown together in uni living quarters. Back off again and hopefully you will create space in her life for better-suited new friends to move in. With luck she should keep maturing and stabilising. She might surprise you next time you have a college reunion.

robinofsherwood · 03/12/2015 12:35

Someone's mental illness doesn't negate other people's experience. OP had a difficult meeting that she wanted to offload / process. Surely that's what this is for?

As someone who suffered significantly as a result of my father's mental health as a child (and he in turn was very damaged by his parents' illness) I find it very distressing when any reaction but 'they have a mental illness, give them 100% support and ignore your own needs, what if it was cancer' is so heavily criticised

schrodcat · 03/12/2015 12:37

Oh yeah, in brief YABU, but not massively so. You sound not long out of college yourself?

TheSecondViola · 03/12/2015 12:38

you're not quoting me there, what makes you think I believe that?
Do you think maybe I'm talking to the person who was quoted then?

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:39

schrodcat interesting points Well we chose to live together originally as we were friends. She is actually the opposite of socially awkward. She is normally very good at these things and very charismatic. I think I was just quite hurt and humiliated that she (a) brought up things that were firmly in the past and played the victim, which seemed like quite a manipulative thing to do in the circumstances and (b) didn't give me time of day but spoke to my friend the whole time instead. I was hoping for a nice catchup in which we could fill each other in on the last three years. She clearly couldn't have given two shits about me but contrastingly was hanging of my friend's every word.

OP posts:

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:41

TheSecondViola - hold the sarcasm please. Yes I did think that but your second sentence was a direct reference to me apparently "encouraging everyone to be a duck to the mentally ill" as the OP of this thread. Why so aggressive?

OP posts:

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:42

robinofisherwood - thank you

OP posts:

TheSecondViola · 03/12/2015 12:45

No aggression here. Just wondering why you posted about meeting an old friend (who clearly wasn't a friend) who you don't like, talking all about her mental illness and how awful she is, and how you didn't enjoy it. Of course you didn't, since you don't like her in anyway and have never done.

schrodcat · 03/12/2015 12:47

OP, are you worried the other friend will have been flattered by the attention and will invite her back into your lives? If so, you may have to suck it up or you could end up being the loser.

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 12:53

TheSecondViola because I wanted to offload and I was felt really strange about the meetup. I was expecting it to be a lot better. When I bumped into her a while ago it was great. I waa hoping we had both matured and could enjoy a catchup. Sadly she was rude and clearly couldn't have cared less about me

OP posts:

TheSecondViola · 03/12/2015 12:58

Fair enough. Perhaps relationships might have been a better bet for this.

TheoriginalLEM · 03/12/2015 12:58

I don't think there was any relevance in her "mental illness" it is like you used it to express just how irritating she was.

To sit there seething because she asked one of your other friends about her life and not you could be seen as being equally self absorbed.

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 13:03

I think perhaps my words are being misconstrued. That's not why I'm upset. I don't necessarily want to talk about my life. Just sat there like a lemon feeling left out of the conversation.

I wasn't using her mental illness as a weapon. I just mentioned it for context. Three of my close family have had depression and I've had bouts myself. None of my friends know about it. I'm not comparing the two or trying to martyr myself, just saying I do have (some, mild) experience of mental health and am not coming from a place of ignorance.

Perhaps aibu wasn't the best place for this.

People seem to be suggesting i am in the wrong. Not sure why though, for ranting? I would never say this to her face

OP posts:

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 03/12/2015 13:22

You don't have to be in their company if you don't want to. But neither do you have to be a dick by complaining about them on here and inviting the whole of aibu to be a dick about the mentally ill "friend"

Hear hear Viola

What a nasty hatchet job of a thread.

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 13:24

Have you read the thread strawberrytealeaf?????

OP posts:

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 03/12/2015 13:30

It's taking all my powers of self-control to not to respond with something epic and deeply sarcastic to that Feline.

Unfortunately I have read every word of it; all the little digs about her desire to chat being a sign that she has no friends and the analysis that directing questions more to one ex-flatmate than another indicates both 'obsession' with that ex-flatmate and deep nastiness as a person.

Why don't you just leave the poor woman alone? MH problems do sometimes entail atypical behaviours, you know. Not that you're describing anything outlandish.

Jibberjabberjooo · 03/12/2015 13:30

OP I think you're getting a hard time. I lived with someone at uni who sounds extremely similar (not the same person?) and it was very hard and made large parts of my university life unenjoyable. My housemate also had similar on going MH issues which she refused to get help with. Living with her was like walking on eggshells every day. You never knew where the next argument would come from or why, she would frequently stop talking to various friends for days on end for no reason and then suddenly she would be your best friend again. She called me every name under the sun. It's fine to say try and understand and have sympathy, I was 18, had just left home for the first time and had a housemate who randomly chose to hate or love me. There were times I often dreaded walking through my front door as I had know idea what mood she would be in. I gave sympathy and tried to help, eventually I moved out. I have no wish to see her now.

Original poster

FelineGood · 03/12/2015 13:36

jibberjabber I think we may have had the same housemate! I can 100% relate to everything that you said, the walking on eggshells, refusing to get help, not talking to someone on a whim and then becoming best mates with them. At best it was exhausting, at worst it was downright dreading come home (as you said yourself). I gladly gave her sympathy, was there for her, tried to be a good friend but she just pushed it far too far. I thought that this drink would be a low key opportunity for us to reminisce about the good memories we had of living together (of which there actually are a few!) and catch up. Obviously I was mistaken and will now draw a line under things.

I have a feeling many of you see me as naive, immature and unable to deal with the realities that MH problems bring. That really is not the case

OP posts:

Thecatisatwat · 03/12/2015 13:51

I didn't read it as OP coming on here to complain about a mentally ill friend. I read it as her asking was she being U to delete the friend's number and have nothing further to do with her (which implies that she feels sorry for the old friend but really doesn't enjoy her company and has actually cut the woman some slack in the past because of her MH issues). The mental health issues might be relevant but then again the ex friend might just be a dick.

OP, of course you're not BU. Life is too short to have friends who make you feel shit (and IMHO friendships can't just be built on pity).

CloakAndJagger · 03/12/2015 13:55

Delete and ignore. This happened to me once with a girl I used to live with. We crossed paths again via social media and I stupidly invited her to my hen night for old times sake. She picked a fight with one of the other guests who she accused of stealing her boyfriend....10 years earlier.

I blocked her and haven't spoken to her since.

CloakAndJagger · 03/12/2015 14:01

I've not read it as the OP having a go due to the ex housemate having a mental illness. More that the housemate is and was a complete and utter dick, regardless of what MH issues she may or may not have and that hasn't changed.

Being self-obsessed and treating people badly isn't pathology. She may just be a dick.

schrodcat · 03/12/2015 14:03

Not every single thing a person with MH difficulties does/says is a manifestation of their MH problem. And it's ok to find that person annoying. Hopefully, other people they meet might regard what you find annoying as an eccentricity or an idiosyncrasy (sp?) and befriend them nevertheless. It's ok to want to move on if you don't have the time/tolerance in your life to give anything more to that person - but I don't think you can expect people to say that you are 100% "right" or "in the right" to do so. It sounds like you have let her down a little bit, when you 'left her out' at university, but you were only 18 and things were intense, you say. I think at this stage, though, you should accept you can't be the sort of friend she needs and move on. Hopefully youhaven't got her hopes of a rapprochement up.

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