Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my Mum not to smoke in her own house?

42 replies

bluebellforest · 02/12/2015 15:53

Dons flame proof suit and hat Xmas Grin

My Mum has invited myself and my family round on boxing day, for a nice get together and buffet.
I had asked her if she and my sister's family wanted to come to mine for Christmas Day, but she said she would stay at home, so she could have my sister's family around.
The reason being, we have no stair gates and we wouldn't be able to relax, as my sisters children are in to everything, and will wreck the place ( my mums words) which is true, but I wouldn't have minded.
Christmas day is very busy for me, and I really enjoy a chilled out boxing day.
I would love to go round my Mum's. But she smokes. My sister smokes too, but goes outside.
It really annoys me, she smokes in front of my children, my sisters children and all over the bloody buffet.
I really can't stand the smoke, it really hurts my eyes and chest the next day.
So, wibu to ask her to smoke outside too?
Thanks!

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 02/12/2015 15:54

Ooh its tricky isn't it. You can ask I suppose. She might get shirty. It's not an unreasonable request if it is delivered without expectation and in a decent manner.

RubberDicky · 02/12/2015 15:56

I'd just politely decline her invitation, explain that you're worried about your children breathing in the smoke, reiterate the invitation to your house.

gamerchick · 02/12/2015 15:57

Well you can try as I did but lost that particular battle.

Even if she agrees it's likely that after an hour or so she'll do it absent minded while you're there anyway.

Good luck though.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 02/12/2015 16:02

I'm a smoker but I don't think your request is unreasonable. She may well say no, maybe even get shirty, but in that case I'd just decline the invite and explain why...that you don't agree with people smoking indoors around children.

spritefairy · 02/12/2015 16:08

What about a compromise?

I don't smoke and never have done. I hate it. My family know this. When I am around they smoke in the kitchen or dining room. Not perfect but I can sit in the living room out of the way.

course I was then left out as they chain smoked and therefore spent hours in said smoking room

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 02/12/2015 16:09

Decline.

Even if she doesn't smoke while you're there the house will still stink, your clothes will still stink after brushing up against stuff, you'll get nicotine on your fingers from touching plates/mugs/lightswitches/etc and there will be particles in the air.

It makes me ill too. Am totally sympathetic.

Original poster
bluebellforest · 02/12/2015 16:27

Thanks everyone.
I think I may have to decline. I do love spending time with everyone, but I don't really want to compromise while I'm there.
I want to spend time with my family.
When she is here, she has to smoke outside Xmas Smile

OP posts:
squoosh · 02/12/2015 16:27

Of course it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask! She's your Mother. I never understand tiptoeing around close family members. You can ask and she can yes, or she can say no.

squoosh · 02/12/2015 16:29

But why decline without first finding out if she's open to the idea of smoking outside? You really want to go so it seems a bit silly to decline when your wishes may well be met if you just have a chat with her.

Original poster
bluebellforest · 14/12/2015 22:04

Just a quick update:
My Mum is not prepared to not smoke in front of us, so we are not going, which is a shame.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 14/12/2015 22:12

That is a shame but you're doing the right thing. I wouldn't let my children be in a smoky room.

Candleabras · 14/12/2015 22:15

I am quite shocked by your mums response, but I agree with you. Dh smoked outside until he managed to give up when dd was 3. Shame though.

selsigfach · 14/12/2015 22:17

How very sad that she is putting smoking before her grandchildren. Even if she thought you were being precious, which you're not, you'd think she'd agree to do so in order to see you all at Christmas. Well done for declining to go.

Destinysdaughter · 14/12/2015 22:22

Get her an e cig for Xmas?

Potatoface2 · 14/12/2015 22:24

my husband smoked.....recently we became grandparents, my son is very anti smoking and doesnt want his child in our house ....so i said to my husband 'we will never have the grandchildren here then'....well what do you know ..he stopped smoking!!!....im amazed ...its great !!!

PoppieD · 14/12/2015 22:25

Please don't feel guilty- am not a smoker so had not expected the carbon monoxide test to affect me when i went to midwife but I scored a 6!! Really think she didn't believe me- but only when I advised had been on a home visit prior to my appt and the patient was a heavy smoker, despite not actually smoking while I was there, I've now learned about 'third hand smoking' where the toxic chemicals are still lingering in the air, so you have done the right thing.

nutellacrumpet · 14/12/2015 22:30

YANBU. What kind of person really still smokes around children? It is disgusting and surely bordering on abuse?

Original poster
bluebellforest · 14/12/2015 22:51

Nutella: I do find it disgusting. She smokes when she has my sister's youngest on her lap. Sorry for the language, but it really pisses me off Angry
She has bloody COPD as well.
I love my Mum, but she's so bloody selfish.
She's said that she has to do as she's told around mine, so I have to do the same at hers Shock Confused

OP posts:
wowfudge · 14/12/2015 22:54

Well she may change her tune when she realises she doesn't get to see her grandchildren.

Original poster
bluebellforest · 14/12/2015 22:54

Poppie: that's shocking Shock

OP posts:
Notimefortossers · 14/12/2015 23:11

Get her a vaping starter kit for xmas :) I don't think you can ask her not to smoke in her own home, but you are perfectly within your rights to explain your reasons for not wanting to come and if she offers to not smoke indoors that day then that'd be nice

Oysterbabe · 14/12/2015 23:17

I'm amazed your sister allows that.

Moomintroll85 · 14/12/2015 23:27

Yanbu. Yes it's her house so she can 'do what she wants' but I would have thought that most people would take it outside when there are kids visiting, either of their own accord or with some gentle prodding.

My in laws all smoke like bloody chimneys but when we visit with our toddler they all smoke outside. We asked and they agreed.

PoppieD · 14/12/2015 23:48

I know Bluebell- it's not something that had ever crossed my mind- have looked it up now and quite shocked at how dangerous it can still be!

ConesOfDunshire · 15/12/2015 00:33

we have no stair gates and we wouldn't be able to relax

Could you perhaps borrow or buy a pressure-fit stair gate (they're forever coming up on our local second-hand pages) and fit temporarily to facilitate a visit for the next family occasion?

Sorry that your mum made a hurtful choice, OP. Hope you have a lovely Christmas regardless.

Swipe left for the next trending thread