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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my Mum not to smoke in her own house?

42 replies

bluebellforest · 02/12/2015 15:53

Dons flame proof suit and hat Xmas Grin

My Mum has invited myself and my family round on boxing day, for a nice get together and buffet.
I had asked her if she and my sister's family wanted to come to mine for Christmas Day, but she said she would stay at home, so she could have my sister's family around.
The reason being, we have no stair gates and we wouldn't be able to relax, as my sisters children are in to everything, and will wreck the place ( my mums words) which is true, but I wouldn't have minded.
Christmas day is very busy for me, and I really enjoy a chilled out boxing day.
I would love to go round my Mum's. But she smokes. My sister smokes too, but goes outside.
It really annoys me, she smokes in front of my children, my sisters children and all over the bloody buffet.
I really can't stand the smoke, it really hurts my eyes and chest the next day.
So, wibu to ask her to smoke outside too?
Thanks!

OP posts:
safclass · 15/12/2015 00:51

My mam is a heavy smoker and always smoked around us (we must have stunk!!) Even when the grandkids go round. We recently started fostering and the children are NOT allowed to go to the house of smokers (in the house) . We had to have a similar discussion with my mam - wasnt easy but had to be done. We cant go for tea or anything but if we do pop in to drop something off she doesnt smoke but we only stay max of 5 mins because of the 'lingering' smoke.

kali110 · 15/12/2015 01:38

Dh and i lived with a smoker and we did not get nicotine on our hands from light switches, plates etc...
Never have done when at friends either.
Maybe you would if the smoker didn't clean things very well. Confused

Sorry it's hurt op, i do think yab a bit u though and i hate smoking.
I don't think you can tell someone what they can and can't do in their own home.
We lived with a smoker, as much as i hated it it weren't my house so i couldn't moan.
It maybe shocking that she smokes with the baby on her lap but she clearly doesn't see it as being wrong if your sister doesnt say anything.
What does she think about it?

LyndaNotLinda · 15/12/2015 04:24

In years to come it will be illegal to smoke in the house with children, like it is in cars. Your mum sound very selfish. Good on you for saying no

GreatFuckability · 15/12/2015 05:00

Kali....how do you know? You can't see it!

dontpokethebear · 15/12/2015 05:47

Even if you smoke outside, the chemicals you exhale are still on your breath for up to four hours after having a cigarette.
I smoked (outside) for years and I'm deeply ashamed that I let oldest dc be exposed to it Xmas Blush
They all sound a bit selfish tbh.
I hope you have a fabulous and unsmelly Christmas!

Domino777 · 15/12/2015 05:53

Kal - it's not ok for children to passive smoke.

Dipankrispaneven · 15/12/2015 07:44

Kali, you and DH will certainly have got smoking residue on your hands, clothes and everywhere else when you lived with a smoker: it's unavoidable. Cleaning doesn't help with stuff that gets absorbed into clothes and furnishings. You can't tell someone what to do in their own home, but you can certainly ask them not to do something that harms your children, and of course you can stop visiting if they refuse.

riverboat1 · 15/12/2015 07:59

Even if she agreed not to smoke inside on that day, her house/her would probably still smell very strongly of smoke anyway, so it might not have been a great solution, depending how much you hate the smoky smell. Would have been a nice gesture at least, though!

Frazzled2207 · 15/12/2015 08:27

That's such a shame. Her house her rules but sad that she won't not smoke in front of the kids.

tootyflooty · 15/12/2015 11:05

my mil and fil were both heavy smokers plus had two large unruly dogs, we never asked, but they said when we had the children not to visit them as they won't put the dogs out or smoke outside, so we never did, just saw them infrequently at ours, where she always made some comment about having to go outside to smoke. stand your ground where your children's health is involved. can't understand in this day and age, when the dangers of passive smoking are clearly acknowledged that a supposedly loving grandparent would consider it acceptable to smoke indoors around others.

50ShadesofNope · 15/12/2015 11:08

It's a shame but you're making the right choice.

My DFs sister and mother smoked in the house and he didn't realise qhite how much (they used to come to us instead and there were strict rules about going outside). He took me over once, we sat down for about 2 minutes, his Dsis lit up, he asked her if she'd mind going outside (I was about 7 at the time) and she refused so we left (politely, there was no flouncing!) and never went over again. We got back home and my DM could smell the stale smoke from the sofas on me as soon as a walked in the house, even though we'd been there for a max of five minutes in total.

They were welcome at ours but DF
wasn't willing to let them smoke near me, even though he still smoked at this point himself (outside and wouldn't let me near him if he had a cigarette in his hand).

Imnotaslimjim · 15/12/2015 11:13

This was battle I didn't win, and my DD is asthmatic! I now simply visit for an hour and leave again. And if they light up while we're there I make a big deal of sending DD out of the room (there is toys in the next room so I send her to play) I don't spend any significant time there anymore because of it.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/12/2015 11:19

I honestly don't understand people who can smoke indoors.
It's just gross.
And... I smoke by the way.
I would never ever smoke inside.

I most certainly would not want to be in a house where people smoke indoors. Yeuk!

dustarr73 · 15/12/2015 12:49

When i had my eldest 20 years ago,my mam went outside to smoke,washed her hands and brushed her teeth before she would handle ds again.I just dont understand how they would rather smoke than see their gc.

My sil lets everyone smoke in her house,she smokes herself and yet shes always complaining that her dc are sick.Well duh.In this day and age there is no exscuse for passive smoking.

Kaytee1987 · 15/12/2015 12:54

I don't think you're being unreasonable I wouldn't have children in a room full of smoke, I wouldn't want to be in a room full of smoke (especially as pg). I used to smoke 20 a day and quit a couple of years ago I would never have smoked around a child and think it's pretty horrible if people do.

LagunaBubbles · 15/12/2015 13:02

I don't think you can tell someone what they can and can't do in their own home

Kali and neither does the OP, which is why she is thinking of asking her Mum, not telling her.

YANBU OP.

kali110 · 15/12/2015 15:58

Yes she has a choice not to take her children there, or get her parents to visit at their house.
She can certainly say they can't smoke in her home, but it's up to her parents what they do in theirs.
It would be nice if they didn't smoke but people don't always do what we wish they would.
Domino777 i said the mil obviously sees no harm in smoking with the child on her lap nor does the daughter, ( not me).

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