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AIBU?

Was it unreasonable to trick her to go to school?

137 replies

Unreasonablebetty · 02/12/2015 09:56

I feel awful. Really. Really awful.
My little girl has been complaining of a few mystery illness symptoms over the past almost week.
She tried to tell me she had a throat infection, and told me symptoms that added up to a urinary tract infection- both of these things we've had more than a few times, so I took her off to the drs, she had a a tummy ache before these symptoms and has complained since of a tummy ache.

So yesterday she was off of school, she said it felt like a punch before she needed to poo, so I thought that doesn't sound too far from normal, but she then complained of a tummy ache but looked quite sickly last night before bed.

She woke up this morning complaining of a tummy ache again, which seemed to disappear when she was told she didn't need to go to school.
I then thought, if she's that unwell she's not gonna want to do anything.
How about bowling today I say? Yes perfect idea she says, or will it hurt your tummy?
No mummy that's a perfect idea.
I then gave her e clothes off the radiator and told her to put them on cos they were really warm.

We then got in the car, she had completely perked up and was acting like a normal happy unwell excited child, until she realised that we were turning onto the school road.

I was t trying to be horrible to her, but what I was trying to do was see if she stayed quite content with the idea of doing more in the day, because In my view, if you are happy enough to go bowling and what else you are well enough for school. And this way I could rest assured that she is infact ok, and I've not sent an ill child to school.

I just feel it was so bad to be so deceptive to her, and I'm still worrying that maybe there is something wrong.

I explained this to the ladies in the office, who assured me that they'll look into the situation with the teachers and find out if there's any reason for her to not want to be at school.

OP posts:

Report

CheesyNachos · 02/12/2015 12:41

And that is why the OP has already identified ways in which to try and 'rescue' the situation... rescue is not really the word I want, but you know what I mean. She knows she has fucked up and she wants to make it up to her DD. Apologising will go a long way to do that.

(I grew up with a mother I could never trust either. She always told the truth, but she was a violent moody cow and you never knew what would tip her over the edge.)

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/12/2015 12:43

Unreasonablebetty It sounds as though you have already explained to your DD a bit, and you've promised her bowling tonight. Don't beat yourself up over this. It was misguided but sometimes it is difficult to know if they are ill or not

Unreasonablebetty · 02/12/2015 12:45

Thanks everyone for he supportive messages, I have made some plans for us that facilitate us bein able to talk this evening when she gets out of school. I'm going to pick her up with a hot chocolate in hand- or she might refuse to get in the car... I'm raiding the house for craft stuff so I can make her a card which I think will really warm her up to the idea of talking to me.
Then we will sit and talk, then we have bowling, after having a quick bowl we have a film to watch followed by Pizza Hut, so we have lots of time to talk this evening, and I'm hoping I can convey to her that I am trustworthy, and I acted like an idiot but I won't be doing it again, and if there is something wrong I can either deal with it, or we can move schools or even do home schooling, these are all opportunities that have been put to DD in the past. Obviously I did deal with it, and it all ended quite well.
From my understanding, and this is just understanding, this year the only problem she has was one child had hit her, I went into the school, the teacher was not aware, the teacher asked both of them what happened, girl apologised and they were friendly with one another, but this year we have seen the amount of friends Dd has go up quite significantly, maybe i should plan something for her to do out of school with a few friends.

She's also wanted to increase the amount of time she actually spends within school with breakfast and after school club... These two things have made me believe all is ok, but of course we will discuss this tonight.

OP posts:

CheesyNachos · 02/12/2015 12:52

See I think that is a brilliant plan OP. I think children do need to know that adults fuck up too sometimes, and it is how you deal with the fuckup that matters.

shazzarooney99 · 02/12/2015 12:52

I have a son with sen and for the past 3 weeks its been really hard getting him in, ive tried bribery it does not work, so i say get ready and go to school or you lose your xbox for the night, if that doesnt work i say if you dont get ready and go to school you are not going to football, if that doesnt work, i will pick up my mobile and pretend to send a message to football and it does work.

G1veMeStrength · 02/12/2015 12:53

Well, you told her she is going bowling AFTER school, I don't think its the worst thing ever. I agree with having a chat about it like wannabe says.

InTheBox · 02/12/2015 12:58

Andro I absolutely get where your coming from. And yes it's a major error in judgement but I just don't think it's worth making OP feel worse than she already does. She said her dd is nearly 8 which means it's not something that can be quietly swept under the carpet but I do think the advice should be more forthcoming than 'Yabu and she will never trust you again' sort of thing.

TimeToMuskUp · 02/12/2015 12:59

I think that in the grand scheme of things, this is not something that will go down in the Twat Hall of Fame. Not even close. Don't beat yourself up, you sound lovely and supportive and you simply made an error of judgement. Everyone does; I don't know any parent that hasn't sat there after the fact and thought "Shit a brick, what did I do there?" I do it often.

Your plans for the evening sound great, enjoy your time together.

Dameshazaba · 02/12/2015 13:00

Sorry I just don't get this- you lied and now you feel bad? So don't lie in future? Treat your child like an actual human being? If you did that to me, no, I would t forgive you. You would have broken my trust and put me in a situation I was not expecting. Now you are taking a hot chocolate, making her a card, going bowling and to watch a film and to pizza Hut all after school? And then plenty of time to to talk? I think you are on cloud cuckoo, op.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 02/12/2015 13:12

Sending her to school was fine - if she is well enough to go bowling, then she's well enough for school.

But lying about it until you actually got to the school wasn't on. You should have made her get dressed then when in the car, and before leaving the drive way told her she is clearly well enough to be at school, and you're very disappointed in her lying to you. Then have told her you were taking her to school since she was obviously well enough, and you would be talking about this more later on.

Unreasonablebetty · 02/12/2015 13:14

Thanks all, I think it'll be ok, I just need to show her how sorry I am.

Sorry dame, but cloud cuckoo? No, I am taking a hot chocolate and card to her, which will be made/bought on the way to school, I will pick her up and take her bowling for 4pm, as there are three of us bowling will take 20 minutes max, there's a 4:45 showing of a film she wants to see, after this we will go to Pizza Hut, all in the same complex. We will walk 30 seconds from the bowling alley, to the cinemas, from the cinemas approx 30 seconds to Pizza Hut.
The only time we cannot talk this evening is kind of the film, we could talk but there wouldn't be much point.
It might be a lot to fit in, but I don't do things by halves. I both fuck up and make up in epic proportions.

OP posts:

Unreasonablebetty · 02/12/2015 13:14

Goodness gracious- I get where I went wrong. I really do.

OP posts:

Fizrim · 02/12/2015 13:28

So your daughter was bullied in school, has been hit fairly recently (this academic year) but rather than make her feel safe and secure at home you thought you'd lie and leave her feeling insecure in both places? Poor girl. No 'epic proportions' are going to help you here, she'll enjoy her afternoon and evening but it won't fix things. You'll have to listen to her to do that.

TimeToMuskUp · 02/12/2015 13:32

Wow, op, you're going to keep on getting kicked for this one!

Dame the OP has already acknowledged the mistake, has openly accepted the whole YWBU thing and you're still berating her? Where's the support and sisterhood? People screw up at times, people handle things badly or in a way you perhaps might not have done. Doesn't mean you have the right to put the boot in.

LoTeQuiero · 02/12/2015 13:37

I think that's dreadful. She trusted you and you absolutely broke her trust. You're the adult - decide whether she's well enough to go to school or she isn't and tell her. If you're unsure, she goes and either she'll be sent home or she'll be fine. But you can't trick her into going to school!! What confusion for the poor child?!

LoTeQuiero · 02/12/2015 13:40

I also don't agree with the dramatic making up - you'll make her feel insecure because she'll be able to see that you regret what you did and therefore that you don't have confidence in your decisions - so neither will she.

Anyway, I'm sure it will be forgotten about soon enough.

ljny · 02/12/2015 13:47

It does sound like an epic make-up Lucky kid.

I think you made the wrong choice this morning, but I understand your reasons. Kids do need to trust us but it doesn't hurt them to learn that parents aren't perfect, either.

If she was bullied last year, she's likely still super-sensitive. Or she may be worried about schoolwork (you said she's barely caught up) or your change in circumstances (you didn't specify, but even good change can be unsettling).

Good luck getting to the bottom of it. Some of the reactions here were way over the top.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2015 13:50

Sounds lovely op, ignore the pearl clutches on here. Make it up to dd, she needs to see your human and we all make mistakes. Have a lovely adpfternoin, hopefully she might be in the position of opening up to you.

TempusEedjit · 02/12/2015 14:16

I think you're going way OTT with the making up. She's getting bowling, movie, pizza, hot chocolate and card just because you made an error of judgement on how you dealt with her trying to skive off school.

The bowling you promised plus a Pizza Hut is more than adequate otherwise you're shifting the balance too much in her favour - the fact she was deceitful here shouldn't be lost amongst the grand gestures (not saying she should be punished for it though).

DotForShort · 02/12/2015 14:22

Well, obviously YWBU but you clearly know that now. I think an apology to your DD would be appropriate, as well as going bowling since you did promise to do that. But I think the rest of the plans sound OTT. No need to go to such lengths IMO. A sincere apology, followed by a low-key discussion about how everything is going at school would be the way I would approach it.

And why would your DD refuse to get in the car if you don't bring her a hot chocolate?

manana21 · 02/12/2015 14:23

agree, the opprobrium & over-reaction is a bit silly. I'd never met so many perfect parents until I started on mumsnet - at least there are still a few real people on here as well.

MsMargaretCarter · 02/12/2015 14:35

"I think that in the grand scheme of things, this is not something that will go down in the Twat Hall of Fame. Not even close. Don't beat yourself up, you sound lovely and supportive and you simply made an error of judgement. Everyone does; I don't know any parent that hasn't sat there after the fact and thought "Shit a brick, what did I do there?" I do it often.

Your plans for the evening sound great, enjoy your time together."

Totally agree with this. It was a mistake you can move on from. Hope you have a lovely afternoon.

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pasanda · 02/12/2015 14:58

I think you are doing a little bit too much making up tbh. She doesn't really need all that to know you are sorry….however

My dc see a child psychotherapist about various issues. I also go and see him from time to time. He always, always says that even if a situation/comment/thing happens to upset the dc, it is the way the grown ups deal with it afterwards that counts. They need to be able to see that you acknowledge your mistakes, apologise and talk about it.

Which you are going to do.

So good on you and have a great evening

Unreasonablebetty · 02/12/2015 19:30

i just wanted to say thank you to all of the posters who gave supportive messages with ideas of how to make things better.
I dont really have anyone in real life that I can turn to for advice, so it really means a lot to get other peoples perspectives.

She came out of school really quite happily, and very excited that we were going bowling, she got in the car and told me all about her day being wonderful. she got a sensibility award today- they apparently give this out once every few weeks, she said not many people clapped (when they usually do) but we discussed it, and two of her closer friends clapped, and a few others from the class also did, but then another of her friends was in the toilet so didnt see, and another had the hump that she didnt get it- so i dont think its all as bad as it initially seemed.

weve discussed that if there was anything wrong at school i would sort it out, just as i did before. I said to her that i promise i wouldnt embarass her. but I wouldnt stand for anyone making her unhappy, and I was an idiot this morning, and it would mean a lot if she could forgive me.

we have discussed what is going on in school to make her so sad to go, she said theres nothing, shes happy there, but when her dad is home she doesnt want to go to school.... her dad has just finished one job, and is waiting for a start date on another so he is currently at home, we are used to him having left the house by about 5;30-6;00am. so its rare she sees him before school, and doesnt often get more than an hour with him when it comes to the evening.

This all makes a lot more sense now....

She was also quizzed by her form tutor who wanted to know why she wasnt in yesterday and why she was late to school today, she told him that she had a tummy ache, and it was gone, and she came to school. He asked if she was having problem with anyone, she said no. He asked if she has friends to play with, she said yes, gave him a list of 3 or 4 friends and said she planned on going to choir at lunch time.

i will take her to the Drs if this seems to carry on with tummy issues though, as i really started to worry about a blockage.

and we are taking a few girls bowling in a few weeks, just to try and strengthen friendships a bit more, which can only make school easier to deal with.
But all in all, this problem seems sorted, and im really thankful to those who supported me.

OP posts:

Crabbitface · 02/12/2015 19:55

Hurrah! Glad you're all feeling more positive!

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